Summary: They are two completely different people and she wasn't supposed to fall in love with her. They are both scarred by their pasts. When their feelings begin to interfere with their lives, Olivia and Amanda must face what is happening between them. Olivia isn't ready but will her decision cost her the best thing she could ever have?

Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters. I just borrow them for my and your entertainment. I promise to put them back where I found them when I'm done.

Pairing: Olivia Benson/ Amanda Rollins.

Rating: T – for language.

Author's note: I used to write for SVU a long, long time ago but all those stories have since dissapeared from my profile. I've been a fan of the series since the beginning and after rewatching season thirteen over the last couple of days this idea came to me. I really like the idea of Olivia and Amanda together and although I have shipped Olivia with both Casey and Alex in the past (or any other female for that matter), I couldn't deny there was something going on between them. This story will contain a lot of angst and drama, which are two things I love to write but there will be plenty to smile about too. I'll try and make sure to get the Americanisms right but being a Brit I am sure to screw some stuff up somewhere.

Chapter 1

So I'll make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
~Christina Perri - Distance

Her first year in New York had changed her more than she could have imagined. Transferring to SVU had seemed like a good idea, an opportunity even, a way out of a place that was slowly suffocating her, but it had opened up some things Amanda Rollins didn't even know had been a part of her. The unfinished business back in Atlanta and her gambling addiction followed her here, settling into her new life almost unnoticed. They lurked in the shadows and she didn't even know they were there until they started sneaking up on her at moments when she didn't expect it until she could no longer deny that they were there, at her side.

She had been forced to face her demons on more than one occasion since moving to New York. They would find her when she sat in a bar, a lone bottle of beer her only friend, or when she lay in her bed at night, waiting for the hours on the clock to pass. But all things considered she was doing well. She was going to meetings and her addiction was under control. The unexpected flashbacks to what had happened in Atlanta had become less and less frequent. All in all Amanda had her demons under control but there was however one lingering demon that Amanda had not dared to face: Detective Olivia Benson.

She had read up on Olivia before coming to New York and she'd looked forward to meeting her. Olivia Benson was a little bit of a hero when it came to Sex Crimes and the amount of cases that she had solved was impressive. When Amanda first met Olivia she had been a bit cold and distant towards her, much to Amanda's disappointment, but as the weeks got on Olivia had warmed to Amanda and the other newbie in SVU, Nick Amaro. Now, little over a year later, they were a proper team.

Amanda was grateful for her partner Fin. He'd taken her under his wing when Olivia apparently rejected her and showed her the ropes. It was Fin she called when her bookie knocked her about and he was the first person she trusted enough to share her secret. He'd had her back when she spoke to Cragen and every now and again he'd check in to see if she was allright. He was the older brother she never had and he supported her through her counselling.

Unfortunately there was no counselling for her other problem. The big 'this-is-becoming-a-serious-issue' problem. She had fallen in love with Olivia Benson and this, this was a problem. Because Olivia was straight – as far as Amanda knew- and she had never shown any interest in the blonde detective other than friendship. To make matters worse, her feelings didn't just start to cause issues in her work but it also started to influence her life and that really was a problem.

It was a Wednesday night at the end of November and winter was beginning to tighten its grip on New York City. Amanda had gotten used to the cold last year and she had actually found it quite refreshing. Winter in New York was quite different from winter in Georgia but Amanda didn't mind. Some days she really clung to the fact that this place was nothing like the one where she'd come from.

The SVU squad were sitting in Malone's, a traditional Irish pub frequented by a lot of cops from the 1-6. The bartender knew almost all of them by name and those he didn't know yet he would soon. They had just wrapped up another case involving a teenage girl selling her body to older men. When they had tried to track down her pimp they'd been shocked to find that it was the girls' mother who was selling her. The woman would spend the next few years in Rikers and her daughter had been put into care.

They didn't speak about work when they were in here and they left the crap they saw every day at the door. Right now Amaro was giving an anecdote about his five year old and everyone laughed. In the echo of her friends' voice Amanda's throaty chuckle didn't sound as empty as she felt but her eyes were fixed on the grains cut into the wooden table surface. She swirled the content of her beer bottle around in her mouth before swallowing. There had been a time when the bitter aftertaste would have been enough to rearrange her thoughts but not anymore.

Olivia had been the last one to arrive and she'd effortlessly slipped into the only empty chair at the table, next to Amanda. She was halfway through her own beer and she looked relaxed, leaning back in her chair and her hand resting on Amanda's seat.

"Hey, you OK?"

Fin's voice snapped her out of her thoughts and Amanda looked up. He'd asked it quietly so as not to draw the attention from the others and he studied his partner's face, concern flickering in his eyes.

"Yeah," she answered. "Kinda got lost there."

"Seems to happen a lot lately. Everything allright?"

"Let it go, Fin."

He nodded in understanding and raised his hand to order another round of drinks. A silence had fallen around the group and for a while everyone was left to the company of their own thoughts.

Amanda dared to quickly glance at Olivia sitting beside her. The brunette's eyes had glazed over and she appeared to be miles away. Her fingers absentmindedly followed the shape of her beer bottle. Olivia had bound her hair back in a simple ponytail but a few strands had had managed to free themselves and framed her face. Once again Amanda was struck by the strong features of the older woman's face.

Amanda's eyes briefly dropped down to the other woman's neckline and her breath caught in the back of her throat, her mouth suddenly becoming dry. Olivia wore a white blouse and the colour complimented the olive colour of her skin and the sun kissed glow Olivia seemed to sport regardless of the time of year. The fine contrast of the golden pendants around her neck only added to it even more.

Fin put the full bottle of beer in front of her and Amanda shook her head. "I'll pass, thanks."

"Giving up already?" he grinned.

"Hush up," Amanda replied and smiled. "I just don't want to have a hangover in the morning."

"Well," Amaro said as he claimed Amanda's bottle as well as his own. "I do."

"You working with him tomorrow?" Munch asked Olivia as Amaro began to down his more.

Olivia laughed. "Not anymore."

Amanda slipped out of her seat and reached for her coat. She avoided making eye contact as she zipped it up. "I think I'm gonna call it a night."

"Partypooper," Munch said and Amaro nodded in agreement.

"Remind me of that when your head's pounding in the morning," the southern woman grinned. "I'm gonna go home and get some sleep."

"Someone waiting for you, Rollins?" Amaro teased.

Suddenly her blue eyes were blazing and the venom dripped from her words when she spoke. "Shut it, Amaro."

He shrugged. "Guess not."

"See you tomorrow," Amanda said and ignored Amaro as she made her way around the table. "Good night."

She walked across the pub to the front door and didn't immediately realise someone was following her until she heard them call for her.

"Hey Amanda, wait up!"

She turned around, one foot already out of the door and her eye on the street trying to spot a cab, when the sound of Olivia's voice reached her ears. The brunette was wrapping her scarf around her neck.

"I'll walk you out," she said.

"I think I know how to hail a cab, Olivia." Olivia blinked at the sudden sharpness and Amanda instantly regretted it. She averted her eyes. "Sorry."

"S'allright," Olivia said. They were now standing sidewalk and the bitter cold wind whipped around their faces, leaving their cheeks red and raw. Brown eyes searched and found blue. "You ok?"

"Fine," Amanda lied. Her stomach did one those horribly unexpected summersaults. "Why?"

"You just seemed a little off, that's all," Olivia answered. "Just wondered if the case got to you."

"No more than all the other shitty ones we see every day."

Olivia swallowed and the look in her eyes softened. "Some bother us more than others." The hint of sadness in her eyes didn't stay unnoticed. "They take us hostage if we let them."

Amanda chewed her lip. "Which ones bother you the most?"

"Always the kids."

"Yeah," Amanda sighed. She had to admit that the cases involving kids always tore at her heartstrings. The innocence of a child was something to be treasured and valued but somehow too many always ended up in the hands of monsters. "I guess it's the same for everyone." She glanced at the traffic racing past them. "Does it ever get easier?"

"No," Olivia admitted. "It doesn't and you don't ever get used to it either. I don't think you're supposed to."

Amanda sadly smiled. "I didn't think so."

Olivia studied the blonde detective's face. It hadn't taken her long to realise that Amanda Rollins was the type of person who kept her emotions to herself. She was a tough person to read and it was something that intrigued Olivia but at the same time it worried her. Keeping things bottled up, especially in their line of work, wasn't healthy and sooner or later it would find its way out. She had noticed Amanda's reaction to Amaro and she couldn't help but wonder what it was about.

"What was that with Amaro in there? You had a good go at him."

"He needs to keep his nose out of other people's business," Amanda groaned. "It didn't do him any good in his own life." She shook her head. "Just because his marriage fell apart and he isn't getting laid anymore doesn't mean it's allright to dig at others."

Olivia took a deep breath. "This job has ruined a lot of relationships."

"I think Amaro did a pretty good job on his own, to be honest."

Olivia looked at Amanda, not quite sure what to make of the sudden attack on their colleague. She thought about her answer for a little while before carefully phrasing her words. "Have you looked around the squad room recently? All of those guys are either divorced, on their second or third marriage or single because they struggle to keep a relationship going considering the nature of their job."

Amanda scoffed. "Wasn't it you that told me you still believe there are some good men left out there?"

"You just have to know where to look," Olivia smiled.

"Or want to look."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothin'. It's been a really long day and I just really like to go home," Amanda sighed and spotted the yellow cab coming towards her. She raised her hand to flag it down and it slowed, moving lanes to reach her.

"G'night," Olivia said softly and her hand briefly reached for Amanda's. Their fingers brushed against each other and Amanda could feel the heat flush her face. She pulled away from the older woman's hand, severing the contact, and climbed into the backseat of the taxi.

"Hey, do me a favour, will you?" Olivia asked as she went to close the door for Amanda.

"What?"

"Text me to let me know you got home safely, ok?"

"Sure," Amanda answered and then Olivia closed the door. Through the glass Amanda could see her face, its beautiful features illuminated by the yellow light from the streetlamp.

Olivia watched the taxi disappear in traffic, its red taillights soon disappearing in the dark, and contemplated hailing one for herself or going back inside. She looked down the street to see if another cab was coming but there wasn't one. The cold got the better off her and she turned on her heel and walked back into the pub.

Now that the brunette was out of sight Amanda let her head fall back against the headrest. It was only when she was alone that she could finally let her guard down. New York flashed by outside the cab window, its streets lively and its windows lit, but Amanda didn't pay attention. She was tired and all she really wanted was to go home, even though there was nothing waiting for her there.

It had been a year since she'd first walked into SVU, a year since she first saw Olivia. She hadn't fallen in love with her immediately. It wasn't the head-over-heels kind of thing. It probably hadn't even been something that had happened in the first few weeks but overtime something had changed. The feeling had gradually snuck up on her, settling in her chest like an old familiar friend.

The first time she noticed that her eyes were drawn to the older woman more and more she had silently chastised herself before brushing it off as meaningless but then she began to notice the sway in Olivia's hips when she walked, the way she used her hands when she talked and how she chewed on her pen whenever she was on the phone.

Suddenly she saw the curve along her waist and her eyes would trail up to Olivia's chest, lingering a little too long on the hint of cleavage she would show. After that she began to see the grace with which she held herself whilst also being strong and demanding respect from every person that shared the room with her. It was when she noticed the sun highlighting the golden undertones of her hair that Amanda knew she was way beyond saving. She had fallen for Olivia Benson and she'd fallen hard.

After paying the driver Amanda climbed the two flights of stairs to her apartment, preferring the exercise over the claustrophobic experience that was the elevator. She stuck the key in the lock and heaved a sigh in relief when it turned. The emptiness of her apartment greeted her and she closed the door behind her. Her hand padded along the wall for the light switch. The bulb came to life and exposed the layout of her home to her eyes. Even after a year she still hadn't properly moved in. About six or seven boxes still stood in the corner of the living room, waiting to be unpacked. She'd only gotten around to putting the curtains up last week.

It wasn't a bad little place. The kitchen had been refitted before she moved in and sported white units with silver handles and a wooden countertop. She'd set up a simple but nice solid wood round breakfast table with two matching chairs. From the kitchen the space extended into the living room, with wooden flooring throughout. She didn't own much furniture but what she had made for a cosy home. A corner couch in a delicate shade of cream with light blue pillows stood underneath one of the windows, a wooden sideboard that matched both the table and chairs in the kitchen as well as her TV unit occupied the opposite wall and a large plant that didn't need much water stood in the corner. The cream coloured curtains complimented her couch and a simple glass coffee table finished off the room. There boxes in the corner were full off pictures she had yet to put up.

There were two bedrooms, one relatively small one and a large one. The small one was where she kept her junk and boxes full of stuff she didn't think she was actually going to use. The door was permanently closed. The other was her bedroom and like the living room it had a view over the street. She didn't mind the road noise.

Amanda switched off the main light, leaving only a single light on in the kitchen, and walked through her apartment to her bedroom. She dug her cell phone out of her back pocket and typed a quick message to Olivia before hitting send. Just got home. See you tomorrow.

She stripped off her clothes and stepped into the bathroom. Showers were essential in this job. Amanda washed her hair and used her favourite shower gel. The water was warm and relaxed her muscles. She enjoyed the water pouring down on her head and she stayed in the cubicle for a good fifteen minutes before stepping out, wrapping a towel around herself and making her way back into the bedroom. She drew the curtains, switched on the light on the bedside table and took a clean pair of shorts and tank top from the drawer. Just as she pulled it over her head her cell phone vibrated and Olivia's name flashed across the screen, announcing a text message.

Just got home too. See you tomorrow. Goodnight.

Amanda picked up her phone and took into bed with her. She propped herself up against the pillow and her fingers hovered over the keyboard for a few seconds before typing a reply. Really needed a shower after today. Sorry about snapping at you earlier. Goodnight.

She waited for a reply but none came and she eventually fell asleep with her phone still in her hand.