The Curse of Being Me

Summary: What if Eric remembered his time with Sookie? What if Sookie couldn't forget the horrors of her past? What if she couldn't live with the pain? Would Eric be in time to save her? Would their relationship pull them both through, or be their destruction in this world of constant danger? Set roughly after Rhodes but before From Dead to Worse, however I may mix up the order a bit and change things around. AU.

AN: Charlaine Harris takes full copyright for the Southern Vampire Mysteries, including the wonderful Eric Northman. Damn! I just can't resist playing with her wonderful creations.

The Curse of being Me

Chapter 1- Memories and Regret.

She had stood staring at him in shock. It had been such a simple thing, nothing out of the ordinary at all. She had merely asked him if he wanted a donor. The next thing she knew, he was on his knees in the middle of his office. His hands pressed to his head and a soft moan falling from his lips, as if he were in pain.

"Master?" She had cried before dashing to his side. "What is wrong?"

Looking up with glowing eyes and blood tears streaming down his face he gasped, "I remember. Oh gods, I remember everything!" His face was torn between a half smile and a grimace of outright terror.

"Master?" Pam's voice was softer now the panic had subsided, but she still remained on her knees beside him in confusion.

In a flash of vampire speed, Eric was on his feet and pacing the small room. Pam could feel the emotions tumbling around inside of him. It scared her a little, not that she would admit that to anyone. She had never seen him like this before. Abruptly, he stopped pacing and turned to face her.

"Why did no one tell me?" he demanded. His fangs had snapped down and his face was angry.

"Tell you what, master?" Pam asked carefully.

He began pacing again, "That I am completely in love with her. That I was happier than I have ever been in over a thousand years of life. Why didn't you tell me what I was losing?" Again he stood and glared at her.

"What would you have had me say? I warned you not to treat her badly and you ignored me. How would you have reacted if I had told you that you felt love for a human girl?"

Eric cringed as he considered the truth to Pam's words. He knew she was right. She had tried to warn him as he treated Sookie like trash. Had she told him he loved her it would have been dire.

Sinking into his wide leather chair he buried his head in his hands, "I have to get her back!" The desperation was clear, even in his whisper.

"I'll help you, Eric," Pam promised, feeling free to relax a little now.

Meanwhile, in the small town of Bon Temps, Sookie was sitting on her bedroom floor with her back against the door. The blade in her hand glinted in the low light. She ignored the hot tears as they rolled along her cheeks, instead savouring the sharp pain in her thighs. She could feel the sticky flow of blood from the two long cuts. It was a sweet relief from that other pain.

She felt oddly comforted. It had been a decade since she had last took out her penknife from the red box under her bed. She had promised Gran that she would never do this again, but tonight it had finally become too much for her.

Ever since Rhodes, Sookie had been fighting off depression. She had been plagued by the images of the victims in her mind. On top of which, she continued to hear the belittling and malicious thoughts of her neighbours. She had always tried to ignore the way people saw her. Gran had said she was better than them and they were jealous. It didn't stop it from hurting.

Every time she had to listen to the disgust and revolution she felt a little more alone. All she had ever wanted was a peaceful life where she could feel loved. Instead, she was constantly reminded that she was a freak- even her own brother wished she could be normal so he wouldn't have to be ashamed of her.

Then there was Eric. She had fought her feelings, burying them so she wouldn't have to deal with them, but she couldn't deny she loved him. No matter what had happened between them since he stayed with her, she still loved him. Sure, he scared her half to death sometimes and she dreaded what he might demand of her now he knew what she had done. She wasn't kidding herself. She knew there was never going to be anything between them, but that didn't stop her heart aching for him; nor did it stop her from mourning the gap in her life. The fact that they were now blood bonded was just a side note. He kept the bond muted, anyway, so she could rarely feel more than his energy signalling he was awake.

Sookie could hear Amelia upstairs, getting ready for bead no doubt. She didn't want to imagine what her roommate would do if she knew about her dark little problem. Sookie knew Amelia was worried about her, but she believed the lies that it was just a bad day, or not enough sleep...

As the pain began to numb into a dull ache, Sookie once again placed the blade at her thigh and began to cut. She gasped softly from the pain as blood flowed freely down her leg. She knew this would have to be the last tonight. She had done this enough times in her past to know exactly how much blood she could let fall before she passed out. She couldn't afford to risk being found like this.

The pain brought with it a short relief from all other thoughts. Sighing she dropped the knife to the floor and savoured the agony.