I had wanted to talk to you for months now. The reason why I couldn't was more for your sake than mine. Please don't be mad at me. God knows how many times I had tried and failed. It's just that whenever you told me that you loved me, I stopped.
I couldn't hurt you anymore.
I didn't want to abuse you anymore.
And I didn't want to aggravate your fears anymore.
But with these, my own set of fears… I hurt you even more. So, what was I supposed to do? Was there an easy way out? Was there even a just way out when it was a lose-lose situation? That whatever I did, we were both bound to get hurt?
My silence haunted you with the unknown, while it slowly and painfully poisoned me from within. Yet, if I did decide to tell you, it would just confirm all your worries and it would kill me knowing that it was killing you. Tell me, what was I supposed to do?
I tried to hide it all by keeping my distance, acting cold even. I knew it hurt you that was why I tried to act apathetic.
At least one of us should act strong.
However, I couldn't keep this act for long. I couldn't if I wanted to keep my remaining sanity.
Yesterday, when we were together, I tried to keep my distance as much as possible so that I wouldn't have to take off my hand when you place yours on mine. So that I wouldn't see the frown that would form on your face when I did that.
So that I wouldn't have to pretend to be deaf whenever I hear you say 'I Love You'.
I tried to keep my distance because I couldn't bear being near you. It would just confuse me more.
If I had to make a decision to love you, I want to make it solely on my own. Not because of guilt, obligation and definitely not because of pity. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than me if I wasn't even sure of my feelings for you.
Then, as I walked you towards the door, as I should because of courtesy, you leaned over to give me a good night kiss just like what a loving couple would normally do. I didn't know what exactly came over me but I didn't want to feel your warm breath on my skin… your scent on my nose… your lips against mine. No, I didn't want any of those so I turned my head away that your lips landed on my cheeks.
I saw disappointment shadowing your face, like a moon covering the bright sun during a solar eclipse. Yes, that is right. You are a sun in a way. You are the center of this family. You are a bright light.
But then, I came and took all that light away.
That night, I couldn't sleep. I know you couldn't either for I can hear your soft sobs. It churned my heart into pieces but I couldn't do anything about it. I was the one who inflicted that pain on you and I couldn't cure it.
Not now.
Not when I still don't know the answer.
But what if my answer just aggravated it?
For the rest of the day, I avoided you by doing menial work. And, when I was through with the chores, I went to the lake to think. I wanted to be alone then. To sort out my feelings. To think of a better plan on how to tell you.
I knew I should have told you right away but I didn't know how. I even asked Sano about it and he said that when in doubt, I should just gear towards the lesser of the two evils, which was to keep quiet until I was sure.
But I couldn't take it anymore.
That was why I am knocking at your door. I wanted to talk.
You opened the door, smiling casually, but your puffed and red eyes spoke volumes. You had been crying. You sat on the futon, motioning me to sit beside you. "Do you have a problem?"
You're question was so direct that it surprised me but that was perfectly fine because at least you were direct about it and I didn't have to bring it up. Making the first move was always hard and I commend you for your strength… for consuming the remaining strength you had left.
How do you do it, Kaoru? How do you manage to keep yourself intact when you had given all your love to me? Do you know how much it hurts me knowing that I don't love you the way you deserved to be loved? The way it hurts me knowing that I don't deserve your love?
I sighed deeply. I guess now was the right time that I had been waiting for.
"Actually, I have," came my sullen and premeditated reply.
You gasped at what I said, not really because you were surprised at my answer. No, not that. You already knew that part. You were surprised at my honesty. "Is it about me?"
"No, not just you." Although it was blunt and tactless, I had no other alternative. The truth that I was about to reveal wasn't pretty. It was brutal and unforgiving. I didn't need to sugar coat it.
It would be desecrating its ends.
You kept quiet after that and I was thankful. At least I could explain everything to you without any interruption. I trained my eye to a certain spot near the window. I had to keep it away from you. I couldn't bear to look at your face. It would just crumble my resolve and I would be back to where I started. Devising another way to break it to you.
No. I couldn't prolong it anymore. I had been given this opportunity and I wouldn't waste it anymore. Delaying it would only kill us both.
"Do you know the feeling that you just want to be alone?" I began. "That you just want to go away some place to get to know yourself once again? To know what you really want with your life? To know who you really are?" I glanced at your forlorn expression, waiting for your response. When you didn't say anything, I continued, "I know it sounds ultimately selfish but that is how I feel right now. I want to be alone. I had been feeling this for a couple of months now and I had been meaning to tell you everything but I just couldn't find the right timing.
I just couldn't find the right words.
I just couldn't find the strength to tell you when I know I would only hurt you.
There were so many things I just couldn't do… things that were holding me back but I guess in the end, we both suffered. Yes, you and me both. I know it doesn't make sense to be hurting when I was only thinking about myself when I made this decision but please bear in mind that I also, not just once, considered what your reaction and feelings about this would be. I don't know. So there, I have said it. I want to rediscover myself. I want to …
"I just want to be alone… now," I finished, casting down my head as I fiddled with the edges of my hakama.
"So in other words, you just don't want to be with me anymore," you stated miserably.
I knew you would misunderstand me. I had expected it in a way. I mean, how could I expect you to understand me when I didn't even understand myself fully? Looking out at the window, I tried my best to explain it, "It's not that. I just want to be alone. To think."
Tears were now falling from her cheeks but I had to ignore it. It's better that way.
"Please don't get me wrong," I said, my voice firm.
"So what do you want now?"
"I don't know. That is what I want to find out."
A thick blanket of tension fell upon us and we were silent. I knew what you were thinking of right now. I know how deep the cut I had inflicted upon you. I knew how much I ruined you. But I was helpless. This was beyond my control now. We would be both unhappy no matter how it turned out.
"Don't you love me anymore?" you asked.
"It's not that… it's just that…"
"What?"
"I just want to… like I said…" I sighed deeply, asking myself how many times did I have to repeat what I had just said for you to understand. Maybe you just didn't. Or maybe you were in denial— that the words just didn't or wouldn't sink in. In any case, the least I could do was to answer your questions. "I want to know myself first. I want to know myself before I give myself to others." Staring at your glassy pools, I finished, "To you."
It wasn't that I was giving you any false hope. No. That would be too cruel for me. But a voice inside me is telling me that I still loved you. I still get butterflies in my stomach whenever I remember you looking at me so lovingly whenever I played with Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan? Or the way you caressed my scarred cheek and told me that there was no one else you would love. The way you followed me to Kyoto… the way you welcomed me into your home.
But the problem was I couldn't distinguish whether it was you that I love or the memories we had together. Both may have happened instantaneously but they were different essentially.
Loving you meant loving the whole package… loving our memories meant loving the feeling of being loved.
"Kenshin?" you asked, interrupting my trail of thoughts.
"Hmmm…"
"I want to tell you something but please don't be mad."
My heart sank. "No… don't tell me." I already knew what it was.
Your frown deepened as you choked back a sob. "Why don't you want me to tell you?" you asked, barely whispering.
It pained me, hearing you hold back your tears. I had always made you cry. Maybe this time, you didn't want to cry for me anymore. That you think you had shed enough tears for me. That's all right, beloved, hold it back, I am not worthy of your tears.
Not that I ever was.
You deserved better than me because I didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved. I didn't deserve you because… though I wanted to give the whole world to you, I couldn't because… I didn't even know where I was standing on.
Slowly, I replied to your answer, "I just don't want to. Please don't press it any further."
"Why don't you want to hear me say that I love you!?" you burst out, tears flowing freely from your eyes.
"Because I already know that and… it confuses me. It makes me more guilty."
"Guilty of what? I already told you that I don't care about your past."
No. That wasn't the issue I was talking about. This was more serious. I was… "Guilty of abusing you," I corrected her.
"But I don't take it like that. I willingly give you everything I have because I love you. I will never ever consider that as you abusing me," you exclaimed, voice desperate as you clung to the sleeves of my gi.
"I know you would never think that," I softly answered. "but I know for myself what I am doing to you. I can't measure up to your expectations. I can't love you the way you want me to." I bowed my head once again, not wanting to meet your eyes. "How can I love you when I don't even know myself yet."
"So now you are telling me straight… you don't love me."
"Please," I pleaded. "Just … don't talk anymore."
"Why?"
"Because if I do decide to stay, I would want to stay because I want to… not because you asked me to. Not because of guilt. But because I want to. Because I love you."
"But you just told me you didn't," you raised her eyebrows, confusion written all over your face.
Even I was getting confused. My emotions were so erratic, so unstable… so fickle. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. It seemed that my resolve was starting to crumble, my purpose dispersing into thin air. I didn't know what I wanted anymore.
"I said I didn't know!" I suddenly yelled. I didn't know what came over me but I felt as if I was on the verge of a breakdown… like I was standing over the cliff of my sanity. Taking deep shallow breaths to regain my composure, I replied, "I wasn't sure. All I said was I couldn't match the love you are giving me."
"Kenshin. Let me in. Let me help you with this."
"I have already let you in when I told you about my problem. But I can't let you help me. This is something I have to do on my own. And I want to do this on my own."
"Please, Kenshin," you begged on your knees.
"Please, understand that I have to do this on my own."
Then you paused. "What about me? What good am I if you don't need me anymore?" The bitterness of you tone pierced me.
Why were you depending her whole life on me? Why did you need me so much when you had managed on her own without me? What happened to this strong woman I used to admire? Why were you giving me the power to make and break you?
I didn't deserve that so I asked, "What if I can't stay with you anymore?"
"Then just kill me."
"Then I would die, too."
I stared out of the window, the boulder of rock I was carrying became heavier with each passing second. I never thought that the truth would not set me free. Standing up, I glanced over my shoulder to look at her for the last time. "I have to go."
She didn't stand up nor did she try to stop me. She just wept in her seat and whispered, "Kenshin, I love you."
I nodded in return. "Good night, Kaoru."
At that, I picked up my belongings and left.
Author's Notes:
Mids, thanks for the advice. Dementedchris and my treasured power puff girls- thank you for being my crutch. I could barely stand up now.
Here I am again with an angsty piece… this time its… well, angstier— if there is such a thing. I don't know if I should end it here or make it a happy ending. I don't know. So it is up to you, you know I am a sucker for happy ending so leave me a review and make this depressed angel happy again.
Style Notes: Thanks dementedchris for teaching me this writing style. I guess… it helps me unleash more emotions.
Don't worry about my other ficcies. I will update them all regularly. Finally, check out my two new fics, 'Be Still My Heart' and 'Crimson Skies'. Tell me what you think, okay?
Leave me a Review…Push that button…
Make me happy.