Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my very tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

Sorry for not doing reviews for the last two episodes, I was busy on study leave, revising for fun, fun, fun French exams (among other equally fascinating subjects). However, I HAVE RETURNED, and I am beginning this review now! Congratulations for surviving the apocalypse by the way, and welcome to.

Duh, duh DAH!

The last every two parter of Merlin. Ever.

EVER!

*Sobs*

I have been coping with my grief by writing a long Doctor Who/Merlin crossover and weeping copiously over my notebook with plans for 'For want of a Rope'. I cope well with grief. Yay.

Anyway, on with the show! (Special reference for a special reviewer!)

SPECIAL NEW UPDATE :D WRITTEN POST-EPISODE!– As Merlin is finishing soon (*blows nose loudly on napkin*) I decided to do some 'end of series' predictions for the episode. General things that I believe will happen before the end. And here are some things I've been pondering:

Gaius. I think he has a small chance of making it out of the show alive, but it is quite small. The Merlin writers are in a very 'Moffat-y' mood at the moment, and I have a suspicion that he'll be killed off either at the end of next episode or at the end of the first of the two partners. Perhaps just before/after the reveal.

Arthur. I think he will actually die, but as I've learnt from Supernatural, death is not very permanent in TV land. He'll either be brought back by some magic stuff, or they'll go by the legends. You know, 'to reawaken when England needs him once more'. Even though the show is set in Wales. I think (still not happy over the use of Glaciers and Deserts). Maybe they'll make it a reincarnation fic, seeing as they seem to have read quite a lot of fanfiction at the moment (Girl!Merlin, and a helluva lot of Merlin whump). The name 'Emrys' does mean immortal.

The other Knights. Sadly, I think at least one of them will be killed off. If it's Gwaine I'll scream. If it's Leon my head canon will be irrevocably destroyed. If it's Percival Ab will go and kill the BBC writers. I DON'T WANT THEM TO DIE!

Mordred. Merlin will kill/cause Arthur to kill his girlfriend/sister, and Mordred will be highly pissed off. Cue evil revenge. I'm still hoping for him to change his ways just after he kill Arthur, but that might not happen. He'll probably be killed by a pissed off Merlin.

Morgana. She's going to die. The question is whether she'll get a teensy bit of redemption before she goes. I'm hoping for some! OPTIMISM!

THE REVEAL! Merlin will say 'I'm sorry' then magic will occur. Arthur will be angry, but will eventually forgive Merlin. Then he'll die. Or maybe, if the BBC if feeling especially evil, Arthur could find out WHILE he's dying. Then I'll break something.

KILGARRAH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOO!

Aithusa better treated well, and she'd better be loved by EVERYONE or tonight's the night when BBC writers mysteriously die off…

Merlin. If Merlin dies well… well I'd kill the second set of writers in horrible ways. What happened to the first set you ask? NOTHING YOU CAN PROVE!

!

Guesswork over!

BREAKER

Last time – I cried. A lot. Need I go on?

Well, I probably should, otherwise this review will just be a 6000+ words on keyboard mashing out of irritation and/or feels. It's surprisingly hard to keep this thing staying coherently.

'In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name, MERLIN!'

'HUAH!'

And a door is pushed open. Because doors are cool, and it is the gateway to a whole new episode, while we shall drink and be angsty. Or maybe that's just me. Ok, that's just me then. I'll just go weep in the corner then.

I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS!

*Sobs*

Ok, random cry over, back to the episode. Creepy dude in a hooded cape (because all creepy people wear hoods, it's the fashion at the moment, if you don't then YOU AINT FASHIONABLE, GET OUT!) This guy is probably evil then, because that's another sub clause I need to add into the rules of Camelot somewhere – hoods are evil, and only evil people wear them. Pah, hoody scum…

Ooh! Morgana!

MORGANA – What a pleasure it is to see you again, Ari.

Yup, if Morgana thinks seeing them is a good thing, then they're probably evil.

The creepy dude withdraws his head-covery thing (Ok, the real word for that will come to me when I least expect it, and I will probably end up randomly shouting it (or whatever the writing equivalent to shouting is – capsing? I'm calling it that now, so deal with it.)

Ok, so Morgana invited the creepy dude to her creepy palace. Something tells me that this will not bode well for the creepy dude. RIP creepy dude, your short period on the show was valued. Anyhoo, Morgana says that she 'boasted of his powers'. Something tells me that this has something to do with the whole 'let's rid Merlin of his awesomeness!' part of the episode that I've been looking forward to/dreading for the past week.

HOOD!

THAT'S THE WORD! How the hell did I forget that word? I used it like a bazillion times just a couple of paragraphs ago! Seriously!

Anyway.

Morgana wishes to see creepy dude use magic. Creepy dude uses magic to put out flames. Morgana is impressed.

Morgana takes out box.

Creepy dude tries to escape.

Creepy dude begs.

Box contains creepy slug thing.

Creepy dude gets face-attacked by creepy slug thing.

Mordred is not amused.

Morgana sits down.

Why am I writing in short sentences?

I do not know.

Do you know?

I thought not.

I need help.

HxdasdgtkyjhgfWR3QWA

Ok, I broke out of that curse, which shall never again be mentioned as it looks really bad formatting wise. Anyway, back to the actual episode of Merlin. Ok, Mordred asks whether creepy dude is dead (aw, Mordred. Even when you're evil, you're not even that evil at all. Look at you, trying to make sure the creepy dude isn't dead! Aw! I thought there was a reason I wanted to hug you and punch Merlin quite thoroughly throughout the last couple of episodes. Oh, who am I kidding? The entire series!)

Morgana says that he isn't dead, and the creepy dude reawakens. I said it wouldn't end well! Called it! I bet he's lost his magic, like Merlin's going to in this episode (*sobs again*). Morgana tells Ari/creepy dude to use magic again, this time to re-light the fire. The creepy dude can't, and says that he won't humiliate himself in front of Morgana, so Morgana threatens his family if he refuses. The creepy dude tries to light the fire, and fails.

Wow, for a creepy dude who went willingly to Morgana, he's relatively Ok. That's nice to know.

Aw, he's crying. Can I say that this is the first point at this episode where I'm feeling upset? It's been ONE MINUTE MERLIN, ONE MINUTE! Goddamn it BBC…

(also, called it)

Morgana releases Ari, and Mordred says that she's lost an Ally by stealing his power. Morgana says that it doesn't matter, because.

*ahem*

MORGANA – For Arthur is nothing without Emrys, and Emrys is nothing without magic.

~~Tangential!~~

INTRO SONG! I'LL ONLY EVER HERE THIS LIVE THREE MORE TIMES! LEAVE ME TO MY MISERY!

*Sobs*

(I've moved on from Anger and Bargaining, and I've been lodged firmly in the 'Depression' stage for about half a week. And mark my words, I am NEVER leaving this stage. I WILL NEVER REACH ACCEPTANCE! EVER!)

*Curls in a ball and weeps*

~~Tangential!~~

SOMEONE'S SNEAKING AROUND CAMELOT! IT'S JUST LIKE OLD TIMES! Is there going to be a creepy business dude who sells to an evil person and then asks for even more money, which causes the evil person who's buying the thing to say 'You'll get what you deserve' or something else mind-numbingly obvious but yet they completely ignore the signs and get stabbed while the customer goes on with some idiotic plot to destroy Arthur/Uther/Camelot/THE DESTRUCTION, OF REALITY, ITSELF! Sorry, random Doctor Who quote.

Anyway.

DAMN YOU INTERNET! WHY MUST YOU CRASH NOW! DAMN YOU BEARDY BRANSON! DAMN YOU!

Ok, working now.

Sorry for my internet-related meltdown. That happens a lot.

~~Tangential!~~

THE TAVERN! The Rising Sun! Is Gwaine going to be there? Is Gwaine going to be there? Gwaine better be there.

DAMN IT! WHY IS THERE NO GWAINE?

Instead, Arthur and Merlin (and I think I spy Percival lurking in the corner too) are playing some version of a dice game that I don't understand and will not try to understand because then I will fail massively and you'll all laugh at me while I weep openly in the corner. Because every single person who's reading this is evil. Highly so.

Anyway.

Arthur's goading Merlin, who I think is currently losing.

Well that's going to change. Bet he uses magic to win.

There's also a large crowd surrounding the two of them who are still playing the game. I'm sure the game isn't that interesting, and even if it was, the large 'OooooOOOooo!' sound they keep making every time Merlin and Arthur make a banter-related comment is slightly annoying. Merlin puts a large pile of money in and then blows on the dice.

OH COME ON!

HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT NOTICE THAT YOU OBLIVIOUS PRAT!

THEY CHANGED COLOUR!

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE THAT!?

GAH!

Merlin throws the dice, calls '10' and rolls a 10. It's almost like magic!

(Spoiler alert, it is magic)

So Merlin's using magic to cheat at dice. Which is totally not what I'd do if I had magic. I'd just spend all day blowing things up for the hell of it.

ME – Hmm, homework to do? *MAGIC EYES* NOT ANYMORE I DON'T! IN YOUR FACE BRITISH EDUCATION SYSTEM! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO MY HOMEWORK WHEN IT'S ON FIRE! YOU DIDN'T PLAN FOR THIS EVENTUALITY, DID YOU NOW? HA! HA! Oh crap, I set the house on fire again…

Let us pray for a moment in thankfulness that I have neither magic, nor any form of power at all.

The world should be grateful.

~~Tangential!~~

Some Knights are a-Knighting. They walk through a corridor and COME ON!

How did he even get on the ceiling in the first place? He's like some kind of assassin spider!

(Let's pray for a second in thankfulness that spiders aren't assassins. Otherwise I'd be killed in the bath a lot more.)

Anyway the assassin spider walks into Merlin/Gaius room, and picks up a rock. I'm assuming that they wouldn't kill Gaius off this easily, so he'll probably be knocked conveniently unconscious. (Convenient I said… almost too convenient. Almost like… Convenientitus)

Anyway.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur is losing. Badly. And of course he blames it on Merlin coughing. Bless his little badly losing face. He really needs to treat Merlin a bit better, by stopping chucking things at Merlin's head and blaming Merlin. If I threw things at people while at the dinner table, things would be a lot more fun though…

ME – Can I have some more mashed potato? *lobs plate which hits someone on the head, coating the walls with blood, mashed potato and broken crockery. I then realise what I have done, but am too scared of punishment to call for help. Panicking, I drag the body to the nearby woods, burying the corpse underneath the children's sandpit. I run back home and clean up the mess, hoping that I won't be caught by the police, so that my bright future will remain unsullied by such marks as murder. As I wait at home through the night, I keep thinking I hear them moving about downstairs, but whenever I go down to check, no-one is there.

The next day, the doorbell rings, and I open it to find the police, asking questions about my missing friend. I invite them in, and we chat pleasantly before they go, unable to find anything suspicious at all about my house. They declare them missing a week later, but after a month or so the case goes cold.

I am never caught for my crime, and I go on in life, smiling on the outside while the guilt slowly eats away at my insides, like some sort of potent acid. It's only when I return to the very same playground, twenty years later, complete with two and a half kids, that the guilt finally takes over, and I break down and cry. I am admitted to the psych-ward a few days later, where I stay for over twelve years.

Suddenly, in the depths of winter, I realise that I am only trapped as long as they think I can't escape. Taking my chance, I brutally murder a nurse, disguising myself as her and leaving the hospital for good. On the run, all I can think about is how this started because I wanted some more mashed potato. This becomes an obsession, and I crave the potato more than anything else in the world. After a few weeks on the run, I break into a house, stealing their potatoes, as well as all their butter and mashing sticks.

I try to make more mashed potato.

But it never tastes quite the same.

…

O_o

Ok, that was one of the weirder Tangents I've gone on.

And one of the longest.

And the one that's making me slightly freaked out about whether I have a secret dark side that's obsessed with potatoes.

Ok, let's try to get this back on track…

Let us never speak of this again.

*Ahem*

~~Tangential!~~

(In case you were wondering, Merlin won again, due to very un-subtly applied magic.)

Merlin attempts to sneak into his room without waking up Gaius, which will probably be a lot easier than normal due to Gaius being unconscious and all. Aw, Merlin, you're sneaking in from the tavern after hours. And you've actually been in the tavern instead of it being used as a bad excuse by Gaius.

Merlin, being a very clumsy (possibly drunk) person, also manages to trip over a stool to the floor, but is not suspicious at all by the fact that Gaius doesn't appear demanding to know who he thinks he is, coming in at this time of night. Nope, instead Merlin continues straight into his room *shakes head*

Merlin collapses onto the bed, and AH CREEPY SLUG THING! KILL IT MERLIN! NOO DON'T ATTACK MERLIN CREEPY SLUG! NOOOO! NOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The creepy slug gets knocked off Merlin by Merlin's awesomeness, and thrown across the room. BUT IT'S COMING AGAIN! GAH!

SUDDENLY, GAIUS!

The creepy slug is thrown off, and quivers and dies on the bed. Gaius goes over to check on Merlin.

MERLIN - *Sees cut on Gaius' face* You should get that seen to.

AW MERLIN! LET ME LOVE YOU! *Tries yet again to hug through computer screen, but still manages to fail massively. Such are the woes of a 16 year old Merlin geek.*

Merlin passes out.

Hm. Wonder how many AU tags of this episode will be up soon, because it BETTER BE MANY! I WANT TO READ AU TAGS! Sorry for capsing on you, but I love AU tags so very much. I sometimes have all these AU tags planned in my head, and then I go to write them up, write a sentence and then go 'nah, screw it, I'll write some crack for 'For Want of a Rope' instead. '

Such are my woes.

Do you know how hard it is to keep stuff serious? Some people have a talent for angst, but I have NO SUCH THING! Seriously, I have two settings:

-Rambling (A la Tangential)

-Crack (A la everything else I've ever written in my life, bar the long fic I once wrote and then abandoned for months on end.)

*Sigh*

One day I'll write a long Merlin fic.

BUT TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY!

(Sorry, random references! I apologise!)

~~Tangential!~~

MEEEEEEEERLIN! MERLIIIIIIIN! MERRRRRRRLIN! I WANT TO HUG YOU!

*Ahem*

Ok, Merlin's unconscious and being treated by Gaius, who's not unconscious. Suddenly, Merlin awakens, and Gaius asks what happened. Merlin tells him, and Gaius points out that Mordred would have told Morgana about Merlin's powers by now, and so Morgana must have sent the creepy, magic-sucking slug to kill Merlin, and they should just be lucky that she didn't succeed.

Ah. That might not be true.

Merlin reaches out for the water and tries to use magic to summon it.

MERLIN – Stangath.

*Confused look*

MERLIN – Stangath!

*Worried look, sits up in bed*

MERLIN – Stangath!

*Panicky look*

MERLIN – Gaius!

Gaius comes back, and Merlin tells him that he thinks he's lost his magic. *Cue worried looks and an undeniable urge to hug through computer screens. Sadly that's still impossible. My pet rock Greg understands though, don't you Greg? *hugs Greg for what has to be the hundredth time this series. Sheesh** (Ooh look, a double action-y astrix thingy!

~~Tangential!~~

Studying Gaius! He looks up the creepy slug thingy, and it's the Gean-Whachamacallit, which is a fearsome creature. Despite it's very slug-like appearance. Gaius then goes on to repeat everything Morgana said, except with more worried looks and eyebrows. Basically, he tells Merlin that the creature is like a magic-hoover that sucks up magical power, and Merlin has lost his magic.

Damn you BBC. Damn you.

~~Tangential!~~

MORDRANA TIME! (No, not a mistype, instead it's my latest shipping name. Seflin might not have caught on (also, WHERE THE HELL IS SEFA! HAS SHE JUST VANISHED? DID SHE CATCH CONVENIENTITUS? OH NO! MY SHIP IS SINKING! *Calms down slightly*) and neither has Lithian, but MORDRANA sounds cool. Like, Mordred and Morgana. Eh? I CRAVE YOUR ATTENTION!

Ok, Mordred and Morgana are in front of a castle, that is currently on fire (I think I might have already mentioned that stones are not particularly flammable,, at least I did in an earlier Tangential. But the BBC does enjoy screwing with me, so that probably explains it.) Anyway, cue handholding and chanting, which causes fireballs.

Can I ship it?

I ship it.

Mordrana.

~~Tangential!~~

SCREAMING AND SO ON! GAH!

Ooh Gwaine.

Hang on, NO GWAINE!
NONONONONONO! I'VE READ THE LEGENDS, AND I COMPLETELY FORBID YOU FROM DYING! YOU GOT THAT? GOOD. SAME GOES FOR YOU LEON. IF YOU DIE I'LL KILL YOU, NO MATTER HOW ILLOGICAL THAT SOUNDS. SCREW LOGIC, I REFUSE TO WATCH MY TWO FAVOURITE KNIGHTS DIE!

Good, Gwaine's alive. That's good. Keep doing that Gwaine.

Oh, a blonde girl that's…

AHA! THE BBC SAID THEY WERE GIVING GWAINE A LOVE INTEREST THIS SERIES! I'VE FOUND HER!

(Bet you 5 fanfictionPoints that she either dies next episode or is a traitor. Or maybe both.)

Gwaine rescues blond girl from the guy who was holding a knife and is bald so therefore evil, but SUDDENLY, EVIL PERSON ATTACKS GWAINE!IF YOU KILL HIM, I WILL FIND YOU AND YOU WILL DIE SCUM!

Yay! Gwaine's rescued by the-blonde-girl-I-still-can't-remember-the-name-of-or-even-if-she-had-a-name-in-the-first-place. And she knocks out the guy who almost killed Gwaine, Gwaine grabs blonde girl, and LEON! YAY! Oh crap, not a yay moment, the not-Camelot castle they're in is being attacked, and they have to flee.

*Cue fleeing*

~~Tangential!~~

Back in Camelot, and the wounded are in the corridors, along with Gaius who's ambling along. Shouldn't he be helping the people instead of wandering about like a NPC in a video game? Oh no wait, Merlin's definitely the NPC in this video game. He's standing still and doesn't interact until Gaius comes and talks to him. Ok, I've deduced that 'Merlin' the TV show is a video game and Gaius is the playable character. That's… cool.

Anyway.

Gaius says that it isn't a coincidence that she attacked when Merlin was weakest, and then says that Merlin should treat those who need help, because he can do that even if he can't use magic.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin treats Gwaine's girlfriend (though obviously he's still totally in love with Apple. Gwapple beats Gwaine/Girl-I-don't-think's-been-named-yet anyday. Girl-yet-unnamed asks about her family, but Gwaine said that the people from her town all died, and that she's alone. EIRA! THAT'S her name! Screw going back and changing all my hyphenations to her real name. Too much effort and it's half-midnight and I have (*sob*) half an hour of Merlin to get through.

I think I might continue this in the morrow. If ever.

GOOD NIGHT GOOD SIR!

(And sorry, I am so, so sorry.)

I need my sleep!

PEACE OFF!