Author's note: So apparently when I have heaps of work to do, my default reaction is to write a oneshot. And apparently when I say, "Oh, it'll just be like a thousand words, no biggie," I am a big fat liar. This one isn't as gigantic as Partnership, but it's still not tiny. And it was just meant to be a silly little crack thing!

So, the idea for this is very, very loosely based on the Strangers on a Train idea, only since I'm not Hitchcock, it's fanfic romcom instead of suspenseful murder. And the effect is somewhat ruined by the fact that I didn't have Sasuke and Neji meet on a training ground, because I'm a dummy.

Ah, well. Please enjoy this! If you don't, my uni work has suffered in vain.

Strangers on a Training Ground

There was nothing in the world Sasuke hated more than having to admit defeat. It wasn't a frequent occurrence, and he had no desire to make it more so, which led him to the questionable decision to recruit Neji Hyuuga for help. Though he would never use the word 'help'; it was to simply be a mutually beneficial arrangement. That was all his pride would allow.

In fact, his pride was really the main obstacle in this situation. It was like his ego was in a bloody battle with his – well, with the rest of him. And he really didn't want either side to lose.

The problem really started about three months ago, when he found out that a significant portion of the people he knew were pooling their money towards some kind of bet that revolved around him. He obviously wasn't meant to find out about it, if the look of terror on Chouji's face as Sasuke made him talk was anything to go by. Chouji had accidentally let slip the words, "That Sasuke thing," when chatting with Ino a little too close to the training grounds, and Sasuke had overheard and accosted him.

The contents of this bet?

"It – it's about how long it'll take you to realise you're clearly into Naruto and jump him," Chouji had blurted out. "If it helps, you've held out a lot longer than most people thought! Tenten thought it would have happened back in March!"

March was another three months ago. Such a stupid thing had been going on behind Sasuke's back for over three months! It made his blood boil as he began to recall little conversations, throwaway gestures, that took on a whole new level of significance when put into context.

Like when Sakura had opted out of a mission, saying, "No, you can handle it without me. I've got … uh … girl problems. You and Naruto have fun on your own!"

Or the time Lee had barraged him with a suffocating hug and declared, "One should always reward one's friends and comrades with a hearty embrace at the end of the day! Sasuke, please remember to hug Naruto, as following this rule will greatly add to your health and happiness!"

Or the time Kiba had marched right up to him, sniffed him, and said, "You need to get laid. Trust me, I can smell it."

Sasuke was seething. It seemed so blindingly obvious in retrospect, but all that time ago he had no idea. Now, three months had turned into six, and in recent weeks something rather unfortunate had begun to happen that made it difficult to get payback on the people who were betting on him: without any consent from his brain, he actually started to develop feelings for Naruto.

He didn't want to. He fought against it, reminding himself over and over again how infuriating Naruto was, but it didn't work. All he could picture was that audacious grin, and that challenging glint in the blonde's eye when they fought with each other day after day; the sound of his voice as he shouted support or, yes, hurled insults; and of course, his body. His goddamned body that Sasuke couldn't help but be drawn to no matter what he did to counter it. He was attracted to every last stupid feature. He had no idea how any of this happened.

But the 'how' didn't matter. All that mattered was that there was something he wanted, and he planned on getting it. And, if at all possible, he intended to get Naruto without letting a single person cash in on that bet. He had a plan.

At the centre of the plan was Neji. Sasuke hadn't chosen him at random: it was a carefully selected move that had a lot of logic backing it up. Nobody else could fill the role that Sasuke had in mind.

He found Neji seated alone in one of Konoha's more expensive restaurants, almost like he was expecting something to happen. An empty plate was being taken from his table by a waitress, leaving him with just a drink as Sasuke walked in and took the seat opposite him. He didn't look surprised, but then, Neji rarely looked surprised.

They stared at each other without talking for a moment before Sasuke said, "I might have a proposition for you."

Straight to business. No nonsense. Neji nodded once, as if telling him to continue.

"Are you part of this bet about me?"

If Neji played dumb and asked, "What bet?" then Sasuke wouldn't bother going ahead with his plan. There was no point working with someone who wouldn't be straight with him. If Lee and Tenten knew about the bet, Neji definitely did, too.

Fortunately, Neji did not feign ignorance. "No. I don't throw in my lot with games of chance."

"Good." Sasuke smiled conspiratorially. "In that case, I think we can help each other."

"I'm listening."

This was why they got along well, on the rare occasions that they were required to work together. They didn't need to jump through hoops to understand each other. Small talk wasn't necessary, like it was with anybody else.

Sasuke leaned on the table, clasping his hands together. "I need you to convince Naruto to make a move on me."

A slight raising of the eyebrow was the only indication that Neji found this unusual. "Why would you want that?" he asked, also bringing his hands together, his fingers intertwining.

"Because the only thing that's stopping me from making a move on him is the fact that apparently everybody else is sidling up to watch." There was no point being anything less than forthright. "I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction. From what I understand, the bet they have is based on when I confess my alleged feelings to him, but if he were to approach me … "

"Presumably the bet would be invalidated."

"Exactly. But I don't want to sit back and wait for it to happen on its own. I'm not that patient."

"So instead, you're going to sit back and wait for me to make it happen," Neji surmised. "I'm waiting to hear what's in it for me."

Sasuke was ready for this. "A favour for a favour. If you get Naruto to do what I want, I'll get Gaara to do what you want."

This time, Neji was visibly shocked. His body stiffened, his eyes narrowed, and his lips turned into a thin line. "I don't know what you mean."

So he was going to use denial as a tactic. Good. That meant he had been caught off guard. It hadn't been at all easy to learn about the interesting relationship – if it could be called that – between Neji and Gaara, but Sasuke had managed to deduce it all the same, just days ago, and he had no qualms about using it as a bargaining chip. Apparently he wasn't the only one plagued by excessive pride: a long time ago, possibly over a year ago, Neji and Gaara – who was on an extended visit to oversee a younger group's Chuunin exams – had slept together, and never said a word to each other since. Not one word. And apparently, the reason was that both of them were wildly interested in each other but neither wanted to be the one to admit it.

In a way, Neji and Sasuke were in exactly the same boat.

"I know all about it," said Sasuke. "I'm not asking you to tell me anything, since you've put so much effort into keeping quiet about it, so just think about my offer. You talk to Naruto, I talk to Gaara. Neither of us reveals that the other instigated it. We both get what we want."

Neji stayed quiet for a moment. He furtively glanced around as if making sure no one was eavesdropping, then asked, "Who else knows?"

"Nobody. They don't see these things like I do. Your reputation is safe."

Not his reputation as a straight man – that was neither here nor there – but his reputation as someone who never lost a fight, even with temptation. Finally, Neji nodded his assent. "Fine. It's done. You'd better know what you're doing, Uchiha. I'm expecting a good return on this."

"Don't worry, it's a good investment," said Sasuke. "Just remember: don't involve anybody else. I don't know how many people are in on the bet."

They didn't shake hands, but it was implied.

That night, Sasuke found Gaara out by the training fields, not sleeping, as usual. It seemed the years of torture-by-monster had left his circadian rhythms permanently shot, and his tendency to avoid others outside of a business capacity meant that he had little incentive to sleep normally. Luckily that didn't affect Sasuke's aim at all.

"Sasuke Uchiha," Gaara said upon Sasuke's approach. Was it a greeting? It was hard to tell.

"Gaara," Sasuke acknowledged in return. "How has your visit been so far?"

"The same as all the others."

"And the Chuunin exams?"

"As they are every six months."

"And your siblings?"

Like with Neji, this small talk wasn't necessary, but Sasuke used it intentionally to get Gaara in the right frame of mind for the real conversation: an annoyed frame of mind. If Gaara wasn't irritable, there was no way he would be susceptible to the mental challenge Sasuke had in store for him. It seemed to be working.

"Is there a point to these questions?"

Sasuke shrugged nonchalantly. "Not in themselves. Though I actually was wondering about Temari and Kankuro. I was curious about how they took the news."

"What news?"

"About you and Neji."

To his credit, Gaara remained impassive, giving no indication that it was a blow to him that Sasuke knew. If Neji was the prince of poker faces, Gaara was God. "As far as I'm aware," he said, "they have no idea. They don't have to know."

"Oh, I didn't realise you were keeping it a secret." The lie came easily to Sasuke, as lies always had.

"I'm not. Let people talk if they want to. But I don't have to advertise it, either."

"Good. That sounds healthy."

Something laced in his tone – quite intentionally – caused Gaara to hesitate. "Is he advertising it?"

"Not exactly," answered Sasuke, chuckling slightly. "But he's going so far out of his way to ensure that everyone thinks it's a lie that he's convinced them all that it's true. He 'doth protest too much' and all that. He's denying it so vehemently even though nobody's asked, it's almost as if … "

He trailed off, feigning tentativeness.

"What?" Gaara snapped.

"It's almost as if … he's ashamed of it."

However Gaara reacted to this was the crux of Sasuke's plan. He was quite sure he knew how things would play out, and if he was right, Neji would have nothing to complain about when the time came. The reason Neji and Gaara hadn't spoken in so long was that it was a battle of wills, a competition; Sasuke logically concluded that the best thing to shove that aside would be a new competition, one in which Gaara's objective was to very publicly reveal their relationship, thinking that Neji's goal was to keep it quiet. That was what Sasuke hoped would happen if he told Gaara that Neji was denying everything.

It looked like it may have been working. Although there was no clear distress or anger on Gaara's face, there was calculation, analysis. He wasn't apathetic about this news. The pieces were in motion and he was considering his next move.

"If you want to know my brother and sister's thoughts, you'd be better off asking them," he said eventually, the abrupt subject change not lost on Sasuke.

"You don't mind me telling them about all this?"

"If Hyuuga is really being so obvious, I'm sure they already know. But unlike him, I'm not ashamed of anything."

A hint – just a hint – of bitterness entered that statement, and that was enough to convince Sasuke that his plan was a success. Gaara was annoyed, and wouldn't sit in silence without giving Neji a little punishment. So, Sasuke's job was done; now he just had to sit back and wait for Neji to do his.

The next morning, Neji went out to breakfast with his teammates and a few of their acquaintances, though Sasuke was nowhere to be seen. Lee, Tenten, Sakura, Naruto, Ino, Chouji, Shikamaru, Kiba, Shino and Hinata were all present, and it was obvious all through the meal that everyone was waiting for Naruto to go to the bathroom so they could discuss the bet. They kept exchanging pointed looks and asking Naruto if Sasuke was well, as if hoping he'd blush and admit something. He didn't.

Neji didn't much care. Let them waste their money.

As they paid the bill and walked outside, meandering to no particular next destination, he considered pulling Naruto aside for a private chat, beginning to fulfil his end of the deal with Sasuke. He had a plan all worked out – he'd had it since halfway through yesterday afternoon when Sasuke first proposed it. But it required careful timing and he couldn't afford to rush things.

He didn't get a chance to contemplate this further as, right at that moment, Gaara appeared in front of him and pushed all other thoughts from his mind.

The group stopped where they were. "Hello, Gaara," Sakura said brightly, and the others mumbled something similar. Gaara gave a curt nod to acknowledge them, but kept his eyes firmly on Neji.

It was unnerving. They hadn't so much as looked at each other in a year, having a tacit agreement not to discuss what had happened between them, but now they were standing right there. Just a few feet away from each other. Nobody else any the wiser. It was surprising, and a sudden thought occurred to Neji: was it possible that Sasuke had done his job already, in the space of one night?

If he wasn't sure at first, it wouldn't take long to convince him. Without a word, Gaara marched forward three steps and wrapped a hand around Neji's neck, pulling him into a fierce kiss.

Everyone was stunned. There were various cries of exclamation, and Naruto distinctly yelled, "Woah! When did this happen?"

Neji didn't know what to think, besides that now he really, really owed Sasuke. Shrugging off the dumbstruck stares of all the other people around them, he kissed Gaara back. Damn, he owed Sasuke badly.

Two days. That was how long it had been since anyone had seen Neji. The rumours about him and the Kazekage were flying, and with them, any number of guesses about their location, but Sasuke wasn't interested in guesses. He was angry and determined to track Neji down and interrogate him about why Naruto was no closer to jumping him when he'd delivered Gaara up on a silver platter.

There was one point yesterday when Naruto had approached him, and he had been ready to forgive Neji the long wait, but it turned out to just be to say, "Did you hear about how Gaara totally made out with Neji? He did! Right in front of me! It was insane!"

It was all anyone was talking about, and Sasuke had to admit he was jealous. He wanted to be the subject of conversation and intrigue, but it seemed the bet about him had been all but forgotten. But damn it, he would have people gossiping about him and Naruto again.

After a while of searching, he spotted Neji sitting quietly on his own, suspiciously – though perhaps not surprisingly – close to where Gaara and his family were staying. Sasuke walked up to him, arms crossed accusingly. "Enjoying yourself, are you?"

"I suppose you could say that," Neji replied.

"I've come to talk business."

"Go ahead."

"I can't help but notice that I've delivered on my end of the bargain and you haven't. I know we didn't set a deadline, but this is getting a bit one-sided."

Neji shifted his weight. Sasuke thought he looked uncomfortable, but he may have just wanted that to be true.

"Yes. Well, your end of the bargain proved to be … a bit of a distraction for me."

"Are you saying you've spent the last two days locked in a room doing nothing but having sex with Gaara?"

"I'm not saying it."

Sasuke wrinkled his nose involuntarily. He may have caused it, but he didn't want to picture it. "Fine. You've had your fun. Now do your part."

Another day went by, and Sasuke was seething. He had hardly left Naruto's side all day, in case the blonde was just waiting for an opportune moment. A couple of times, Sakura and Ino had passed them, watching intently for any sign that Sasuke had given in and admitted his undying love, or something like that.

He almost gave them what they wanted, too. He was hardly being subtle. "Have you spoken to Neji lately?" he'd asked abruptly.

Naruto had given him a blank look in return. "Not in a few days. Why?"

"He said he needed to talk to you about something. Something you should do, involving someone else that you know. Some kind of … move … that you should make."

"Nope, didn't mention anything like that." Naruto had shrugged carelessly, leaving Sasuke feeling livid at both him and Neji; Neji for not doing what he was supposed to do, and Naruto for being completely clueless about what he was doing to Sasuke without even realising it. Sasuke felt like he was being taunted, laughed at, even though Naruto was clearly oblivious to his frustration. He wanted his teammate. He had been promised his teammate. All he could think about when he looked at Naruto was how much better he would look if someone ripped those ridiculous orange clothes off him with a sharp kunai.

Today, Sasuke wasn't taking any bullshit. He practically dragged Naruto down the main street, stopping only to agitatedly ask bystanders if they had seen the pride and joy of the Hyuuga clan anywhere. Neji's face wasn't one to forget, so Sasuke was easily pointed in the right direction – to Naruto's delight, he was sitting right outside Ichiraku's as if waiting for someone. He didn't look happy to see Sasuke.

"You, go eat something," Sasuke told Naruto aggressively. "I'll pay. I don't care."

Naruto had bolted before the last word was out of Sasuke's mouth. His wallet would regret it later, but right now Sasuke had a score to settle.

Neji watched his furious approach. "Sasuke, you're not being very patient with me."

"You're right. I'm not. I told you right from the start that I'm extremely impatient, and I'm done waiting for you. Naruto is in Ichiraku's right now, with no idea what's going on, and you're going to go up to him and say whatever you have to say to get me a public kiss in front of everyone our age."

"It may not – "

"It will work. You're a goddamned genius, so you're going to figure out a way to make it work in the next ten seconds. I gave you Gaara, and I swear, I'll get him away from you just as easily."

Anger flashed across Neji's face. Evidently he didn't enjoy being threatened, but didn't have the ammunition to fight it. "Fine, Uchiha. If you want it done quickly instead of right, that's your business."

To Sasuke's satisfaction, Neji went into the ramen restaurant, though with perhaps a bit too much of a swagger for someone who had just lost an argument. But that was of no consequence. He was in there now, next to Naruto, and Sasuke could see his lips moving. He couldn't tell what was being said, but Naruto's eyebrows were slowly getting higher … his mouth dropped open in obvious surprise … that must have meant Neji had mentioned Sasuke's feelings towards him. So all that remained was the final move.

Naruto was slowly nodding his head. His eyes quickly flickered onto Sasuke before returning to Neji. Another good sign. And he was grinning now, too. In spite of himself, Sasuke was impressed by how well Neji must have been spinning his words.

Now Naruto was exiting the shop, leaving a bowl of ramen shockingly untouched, heading towards Sasuke.

This was it. This was happening. Soon that stupid bet would become irrelevant and the two of them could sprint off to whoever's house was closer to do all the things to each other that Sasuke had been anticipating for months.

Naruto reached him. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," answered Sasuke. He wasn't sure what story Neji had given him, so he couldn't say too much. "Good talk with Hyuuga?"

"Oh, definitely. He, uh … explained things to me pretty clearly. I'm all caught up. It makes sense now, you saying before that I should've been making a move or something."

"It does?"

"Yep! And just so you know, I'm totally fine with it."

Was it really that easy? Surely there was going to be a bit more to it than that. "You're sure? You … feel the same?"

"Yeah." Naruto nodded fervently. "I mean, I haven't said anything before because, well, how do you bring up something like that without it being awkward? Like, I could've gotten offended and punched you out! But I won't, don't worry. I'm game."

Sasuke released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. He tried his best to keep his voice even when he said. "Good to know."

"So, you wanna start this now?"

"Here?"

"Why not? There are heaps of witnesses, just like you want, right?"

It was like all of Sasuke's birthdays had come at once. All the difficulties, the problems, and the endless waiting were over, and all he had to do was seal the deal. He was itching for it. But, assuming that at least one person involved in the bet was watching them, he still had to ensure it was Naruto who made the first move. "You … you do it first." Damn, that sounded like he was hesitating. He wasn't. "I can't let it look like I'm the one starting this."

"Oh, don't worry," Naruto assured. "I'll tell everyone right after that I initiated it, no problem. Go crazy! I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes."

Well, if everybody would definitely know … Sasuke had nothing to lose. Feeling his heart thumping in spite of himself, he practically threw himself at Naruto and crashed their lips together. He opened his mouth and thrust his tongue forward, clashing with Naruto's, not even realising when his eyes closed. His hands found their way roughly into that blonde hair, feeling it, savouring the sensation. It was exactly what he had always wanted it to be. It was brilliant. It couldn't have been better.

Except …

Why wasn't Naruto moving?

Even as Sasuke continued kissing like a desperate man, he began to become aware of Naruto's body in a different way: his hands were loose by his sides, and his whole body felt slack; their lips were still together, but Naruto's seemed frozen, as if –

As if he was in shock.

Suddenly, Sasuke knew something wasn't right, and although he desperately didn't want to, he broke the one-sided kiss and took a step back. He saw, to his horror, that Naruto's eyes were as wide as dinner plates. It took a long time for either of them to form any words.

"We … " Naruto said, bewildered. "We weren't talking about your new genjutsu, were we?"

'New genjutsu'? Sasuke thought wildly. Did he seriously just go through that whole conversation thinking we were talking about training? How could he have possibly misinterpreted Hyuuga so badly?

But even as Sasuke thought that, he had a sinking feeling deep in his stomach. Sure enough, he looked towards Ichiraku's and saw Neji watching from the entrance with an extremely smug smile on his face. On top of that, he also saw nearby Sakura, Ino, Kiba, Chouji, Shino, Shikamaru, Tenten and Lee, all looking an odd mix of sour and satisfied. So the betters had been watching.

And Naruto had had no idea that kiss was coming.

Fuck.

The bet.

The stupid goddamned bet that Sasuke had just fucking played into exactly as they had wanted.

Ino was shrieking in a tirade about how she'd only just lost, and Lee was trying to console her with the idea that at least 'the two passionate youths' could now share their happiness. Sakura's face was pink with frustration, but also shining in anticipation as if looking forward to whatever Naruto's next move was. Sasuke saw all this, but couldn't bring himself to care. All he could do was picture what Neji must have actually said to Naruto:

"Naruto, Sasuke's waiting for you outside. He's got a new non-lethal technique he wants to try, and he needs your help. It's a genjutsu, and he wants to see how onlookers respond to it being performed on you. But he's afraid to ask because he's worried you'll be suspicious or offended, or hurt by the technique – or he's nervous that it won't work and he'll be embarrassed. From what I've heard of the technique, you wouldn't be in any danger at all, so you should throw him a bone."

Something like that. Naruto had been initiating a fight, not a make-out, and now Sasuke looked like a huge idiot.

"I – I mean – " Naruto stammered out. "Don't take this the wrong way – I just wasn't expecting it!"

"I know that now," Sasuke snapped. He was furious with himself.

"No! You don't get it! I – I – do it again!"

Both of them looked kind of surprised that Naruto had blurted that out. They didn't move. A few yards away, somebody wolf-whistled.

Sasuke eventually said, "Again?"

"Yeah!" Naruto insisted. "I've wanted to do that for – for – and then I screwed it up! So, yeah, again!" This time, he lunged at Sasuke and everything was reversed: Sasuke was the one frozen, dumbstruck, unable to get his head around the way this situation kept switching from good to bad to good again. Naruto was kissing him! This was exactly what he had wanted! He couldn't even remember why he hadn't done this sooner …

"Oi, Shino!" Kiba's voice rang out. "Bet you a week's worth of drinks that they do it in the street."

Ah, right. That was why. They were being gawked at, spied on and betted over for half a year. And Sasuke's brilliant, fool-proof plan to ruin their game had failed him. When he and Naruto stopped kissing – eventually – he went to have a quick, sharp word with Neji, who looked like he was expecting him.

"You didn't keep your end of the deal," Sasuke said, ignoring all the eyes on him.

"You're right. I didn't."

"Why?"

Neji's face hardened, making him look a little resentful. "For one thing, you told Gaara that I was ashamed of having slept with him. I know you knew that was a lie, and the conversation I had to have with him about it was extremely unpleasant. You lied to Gaara, I lied to Naruto, and all of us still ended up getting what we wanted. It was an even trade."

"You knew exactly why I needed Naruto to make the first move!" Sasuke retorted. "It doesn't matter how even it was; it wasn't what we agreed! I needed the bet vitiated!"

"Ah, yes. I suppose that was part of the agreement. But truth be told … " Neji patted down his pants' pockets, which made the crisp, telltale sound of clothes that were heavy with bank notes. "I rather wanted to make some money off you."

Sasuke fell silent for a second. "You … you weren't waiting until the right time to talk to Naruto at all. You were a part of the bet."

From nearby, Tenten said grudgingly, "He guessed it almost to the hour." Sasuke paid her no attention.

"You lied to me."

"So I did," said Neji.

"I thought you didn't play games of chance."

"It isn't chance if you can use strategy."

Sasuke wanted nothing more than to hit the smug Hyuuga in the face, but with so many witnesses, he restrained himself. It was killing him that his plan had been fool-proof, but apparently not genius-proof. Certainly not Neji-proof. He took a deep breath and counted to five, reminding himself that it didn't matter anymore, that he could actually go and be with Naruto now without any underhanded plotting.

He turned back to look at Naruto, waiting for him in the main square, still with a dazed expression that said he didn't understand what was happening but was happy to go along with it anyway. His hands were buried in the pockets of those hideous orange trousers, and Sasuke couldn't wait for the moment when he could shamelessly rip them off, hopefully for good.

And with that thought, Sasuke wasn't angry anymore. He did get what he wanted in the end. It didn't really impact him if some money changed hands and a few people saw some things they shouldn't have. He still came out of this on top.

Not that he was going to let Neji get away with it.

His pride wouldn't allow that.

Perhaps this time, Naruto, immeasurably experienced in pranks as he was, could help come up with a plan.