AN: Hey guys! So my brain, being way cracked out on caffeine, asked me, "What would happen if Darcy and Clint had met in New Mexico?" And then it just ran away. This Darcy is still the same, personality/backstory/quirk-wise, as the Darcy in my other story. This is just one of Abed's six possible timelines.

But don't worry, this isn't the darkest timeline.

Disclaimer: All the cool things (i.e. PopTarts) are not mine.

Darcy Lewis was royally pissed. Here she was, in the middle of Bum Fuck Nowhere, New Mexico, locked down by jack-booted thugs of the governmental variety, out of PopTarts, and she couldn't even listen to her Mean Reds playlist.

Was life unfair, or what?

Darcy stomped around the lab, looking for someone to Taser, until Jane finally yelled at her, "Would you stop that?"

Darcy sighed dramatically and flopped down in the nearest chair. "They TOOK my iPod! MY iPod! I just made three new playlists!"

"Would you stop it with your iPod whining and go do something productive? Like restock the PopTart supply?"

Darcy crossed her arms and pouted, then rolled her eyes. "Fine, princess."

As she walked to the door, the current jack-booted thug blocked her path. "Sorry, ma'am. You can't leave without an escort."

Darcy pointed at Jane, who was starting to lob wadded up pieces of paper at the whiteboard. "Do you want to explain to the angry scientist why there are no PopTarts?"

A quick flash of emotion flashed across the JBT's face, but it was too quick for Darcy to read. He spoke into his earpiece. "Agent Barton, we need you in the lab."

Darcy impatiently tapped her foot, waiting on whatever newest JBT would come to make her life hell. All she wanted to do was go down the street to the 7-11 to buy some damned PopTarts. She didn't need anyone to hold her hand…

That was until she saw the agent who was supposed to escort her. Christ on a cracker, he had biceps that Darcy just wanted to lick.

But maybe that was the sexual frustration talking.

Clint Barton didn't like babysitting details. He'd much rather keep watch from a distance, staying in what the junior agents referred to as his nest, watching for patterns and anomalies. But they were low on man power here in New Mexico, so if Agent Juarez said he was needed for an escort , Barton had no choice but to go to the lab.

Since he was called to the lab, Clint expected to be escorting Dr. Foster. Instead, he found he was escorting her assistant – Dolly? Dana? – on a trip to 7-11 that was apparently "essential to science."

The girl, who had been impatiently tapping her foot and sighing while he and Agent Juarez discussed the situation, finally tapped her wrist in a motion universally understood to mean "hurry up." Clint raised an eyebrow at her, surprised at her brashness. He gave a curt nod to Agent Juarez and walked over to join her.

"Agent Barton, is it? You need to hurry your ass up, because a Jane with no PopTarts is a cranky Jane. I'm Darcy, by the way. And yes, it's true. I did Tase Thor."

"Bullshit." He said, succinctly.

"It's totally true! Just ask Jane. I have mad skills with a Taser, yo." Barton just stared at her. "Bro, I don't care who you are, I will totally do it to you if you doubt my mad skillzzzz." Darcy said, drawing out the z's on the last word. "Whatever. Let's go get some damn PopTarts."

As Darcy walked out the door to the lab, Clint couldn't help but notice that she had a really nice ass.

As they walked to the 7-11, Darcy couldn't help but sneak glances at Agent Barton. She was practically reduced to a drooling mess at the sight of his perfectly cut arms.

After a minute of uncomfortable silence, Darcy finally broke it. "So, Agent Barton, what's your thing? Can you kill a man seven different ways with a toothpick? Are you devoid of emotion, like Agent Coulson? Or are you secretly a mutant?"

He gave a short grunt. "Bow and arrow. That's my thing."

Darcy stopped in the middle of the street and stared at him. (It was 3 am, it's not like anyone was driving down the street anyway.) "You have got to be shitting me."

He just grunted. "You realize that this gives me full license to sing 'Oo-De-Lally' to you every time I see you." At his blank stare, she added, "Ya know, from Disney's Robin Hood?" He snorted.

Another minute passed in silence. They were halfway to the 7-11 now, and Darcy had a strange desire to hear what a full sentence would sound like out of his mouth. But Darcy was an evil, mischievous girl, and instead decided to make him talk first.

The night was surprising warm for the desert in the spring. So Darcy slowly, painstakingly, unzipped her hoodie. Underneath she had on a v-neck tee and if there was one constant in her life, it was that men could not resist her boobs. From the corner of her eye she saw him glance at her breasts and gulp. The silence stretched longer.

They were three quarters of the way to 7-11.

Darcy picked up her pace until she was slightly in front of him. She slightly exaggerated the swing of her hips, and was grateful she was having a good jeans day. After a little bit, he picked up his pace, and when Darcy glanced back she noticed that the corner of his mouth had quirked up in a grin.

They were in the parking lot of the 7-11.

As Darcy went to open the door, Agent Barton leaned over her shoulder and stopped her, his hand over hers on the handle. "Miss Lewis," he whispered roughly in her ear, "are you trying to seduce me?"

Darcy turned her head and tried to hold back a grin. "It depends."

"On what?"

Darcy stepped out of his arms and opened the door. She turned back to him. "On whom I have to fuck to get my iPod out."

Clint burst out laughing as Darcy led the way into the 7-11. He had to give the girl credit, she had a smart mouth – and it looked perfect for kissing, as well. Clint groaned internally. He was going to have a hell of a time trying to remember this girl was an assignment.

He watched as she loaded her basket with Red Bull, seven different flavors of PopTart, Lucky Charms, popcorn, a bottle of Jose Cuervo, and a handful of limes.

As they got in line, he raised an eyebrow at her purchases. "Tequila is essential to science?"

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Tequila is essential to life." At the checkout counter, she added the latest edition of Cosmo magazine and a pack of gum to her cache.

A SHIELD credit card footed the bill, and the two made their way back down the street to the lab. As they walked, Clint found himself somehow telling the story of the one time, back in his circus days, an elephant had fallen in love with him and followed him around like a baby duckling…