A/N This prologue is my first attempt at co-writing something with Legendberry. We have a fair amount of the story plotted out, and hopefully we will get the first chapter up shortly. This story is told mainly from the Mother's perspective.
"...And that, kids, is why Uncle Marshall is deathly afraid of inflatable monkeys named Steve!" Ted said smugly, sitting back in his chair.
Our daughter slid even further down in her chair. Her brother mimed shooting himself through the mouth. I had been listening in at the door for around an hour now, and Ted showed no signs of stopping. Perhaps it was time to intervene…
"Ted! Sweetheart, Marshall just called. He says that you're going to be late for the Trilogy!" I announced, peeking my head around the doorframe. As a matter of fact, it wasn't due to start for another hour and a half, but Ted would be fine and Marshall could use the company with Lily visiting her mother.
"Not long now, honey. I'm nearly done telling the kids how we met!" Ted protested.
"I know dear, but think how disappointed you'll be if you miss the opening titles!" I protested. "The kids'll still be here when you get back!"
To his credit, Ted managed to hold out for about ten seconds – then the thought of missing the stream of yellow writing drifting into space got the better of him.
"Okaaay! You're right – as always." He grinned. I gave him an indulgent smile, and both children averted their eyes as we nuzzled our noses together. Luke may even have made gagging noises. What can you expect from a 14-year-old boy?
As Ted bounded out, thoughts of spaceships and Wookiees filling his head, the kids breathed a sigh of relief and sat up a little straighter.
"Thank God, I thought he would never stop!"
"I know, right? We all know the ending, there's just no point!"
"Kids, now that your dad's gone to visit your Uncle Marshall for the Trilogy night, I thought I'd tell you the story of how I met your father." I said, walking into the room.
"But Mum, we've already heard him going on about this for ages!" Luke protested.
"Yeah, and he still hasn't got to the point…" Leia muttered, rolling her eyes.
"Okay, okay, but my version will only take a fraction of the time. I promise."
"…Fine." They chorused. They knew I'd made my mind up, and I could tell they were secretly intrigued by our history - it was the only reason they'd put up with Ted's longwinded explanations. Bless him, he doesn't realise how long his stories become when he adds in all the little details. But as an old friend of mine would say, there is nothing so important as trifles. Little details, that is, not the dessert. Although he was rather fond of trifle. Anyway…
I sat down, toeing off my slippers and tucking my legs underneath me on Ted's chair. "It's actually a very interesting story. There's murder, and gunfights, and… let's just say we weren't the only ones hooking up at Uncle Barney's wedding..."
"Gunfights? Dad never mentioned gunfights!"
"Yeah, I would have been way more interested if he'd told us about that!"
"Well... I'm not as good a storyteller as your father, but..."
"You'll do fine."
"Yeah Mum, just tell us the story. Please?"
"It was the year 2013, and –"
"Hang on, Dad's only got to 2012!"
"Well, he's got a lot of back-story to get through. Do you want to hear these 'spoilers' before he gets back, or not?"
Obedient silence fell.
"Right then, well it starts with Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney on the roof..."
xxx
It was late summer, and your Aunt Robin had gone up to the roof to watch the sunset and smoke one last final cigarette before she quit for good… again.
Now, I know your father hasn't done this part of the story yet, but Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin didn't have a very good year in 2013. Uncle Barney's engagement got called off, Aunt Robin had several failed relationships, and both of their careers hit a bit of a roadblock in the form of GNB's stock plummet and the incident with Aunt Robin and Nicki Minaj. Needless to say, your Aunt Robin was feeling stressed out.
"Nicki Minaj? Who's that?"
"Is that the one with the meat dress?"
"…Never mind."
Anyway, she was sitting there, thinking about all the times she and your father had stayed up on that roof, and she realised that she really never wanted to marry him – even as a back-up plan.
On the other hand, she had recently been re-thinking her decision to avoid marriage at all costs – a sentiment shared by your Uncle Barney, who at that very moment came rushing up the stairs, looking…well, not so great. Definitely not dashing, which is how he describes himself when he tells this story.
Your Uncle Barney's day had been a particularly awful one, even by 2013 standards. But we'll get back to that later, all you need to know for now is that he was soaking wet because he got caught in a thunderstorm across town, and that his hair had been dyed pink by a Turkish barber who didn't speak English; he looked a little odd, to say the least.
"Barney?" She frowned, standing up and taking in the bedraggled bachelor. "You look awful, what happe –"
Barney held up a hand, and then leaned over to catch his breath. "I really, really don't want to talk about it." He stopped to catch a few good lungfuls of air. "But…I've been trying to find you all day, because there is something really important I have to tell you."
Robin was a little surprised, because it wasn't like Barney to stay focused on one thing for so long, but she bit her tongue to hold back a sarcastic comment and let him get it out. After a few more gasps of air, he was ready.
"I really don't like peaches." He said. She gave him a confused look. "I mean, my mom and brother really like them, so when I write my shopping list every week, I always put them on it, but I never eat them. The only time they ever got eaten was that summer when we were dating, and it was nice because it was like there was something that made my apartment feel like home, you know? And – and you! You hate the colour yellow, but your apartment is painted that colour because you think that it needs to be a cheery colour, and you always liked my apartment because it was grey and simple and…and it just made sense to you. And I guess that what I'm trying to say is that…we fit, Robin. Together. And…and I want to marry you, so that we can live in a home together and have peaches in our grey front room. Screw the front porch!"
Aunt Robin only fainted once in her life, kids. And that was why. It may also have been because she skipped lunch. That's how she tells it anyway.
Of course when she woke up she said yes.
Then she had another cigarette to cope with the fact that she had just agreed to marry Barney Stinson – legendary womaniser. And to cope with the fact she didn't regret it at all.
xxx
Meanwhile, back in my hometown…
It was the year 2013, and I was just getting over yet another failed relationship. One of my colleagues, a guy from IT, had turned out to be not only gay but also a total nightmare. But we'll get onto him later…
I responded to this in the sensible tradition of all twentysomethings: I pursued someone equally inappropriate.
"And that was Dad? Wow, you don't beat around the bush…"
"No, no, that wasn't your father. But he was the reason for me getting the invitation that led me to meet your father. Let me explain…"
I'd fallen for a guy who I sometimes helped out with his work. He was tall, dark, handsome, enigmatic and completely and utterly uninterested. Now, I tried. Believe me, I tried. Lipstick, offering him coffee, the occasional sociable chat in the morgue hallway…
"You met him at the morgue? Surely that was a clue he was bad news!"
"Leia! Don't talk about your uncle like that!"
"W-what?"
Anyway, things came to a head at a Christmas party where he made it abundantly clear that there was absolutely no chance of us getting together.
"Was he married? Was it Uncle Marshall?"
"Luke, when have you ever heard anyone describe your Uncle Marshall as 'enigmatic'?"
"Good point. Was he gay, then?"
"You know, I don't think he was. You never could tell with him, though."
From then on, I resolved to treat him as a friend and nothing more. It was tough, but I was determined to get over my stupid schoolgirl crush and move on. That's why, when offered, I jumped at the chance to visit the States as his flatmate's plus-one for a wedding.
"And his flatmate was Dad, right?"
"Nice try, Leia, but no. I met your father at the wedding, actually."
So anyway, John – that was the flatmate's name – he was complaining to me over a cup of coffee about how his latest girlfriend had dumped him because – funnily enough – she was convinced that John had a thing for his flatmate.
Which he didn't, by the way. I checked.
He just laughed it off and said he wouldn't risk his sanity by dating that nutcase, even if he was gay.
Which he wasn't. I checked with his sister a while back, when rumours about those two were all over the Web… Look kids, after the whole disaster with my last boyfriend, I wasn't taking any chances.
Then John rolled his eyes and said that everyone seemed to think they were an item. What was worse, he was hardly going to improve matters by turning up to his cousin's wedding with no girlfriend in sight – and Tall, Dark, and Gorgeous tagging along if he couldn't come up with a more feminine date.
Before I quite knew what I was doing, I offered to go with him. I can still remember his reaction: the look on his face was priceless…
"Er, sorry, what?" And then, to himself: "…Damn, I think he's put hallucinogens in my coffee again."
"No, no, I just thought – because I'm a girl – and we're friends… That you might possibly like to take me as your plus-one and avoid the whole mistaken sexuality thing… You know, only if you want to. I don't mind. Let's just forget I said anyth –"
"Hang on. You want me to take you to my cousin's wedding?"
"Um, maybe?" I blushed; this was not going as smoothly as I'd hoped.
"Look, this isn't some sort of rebound thing, is it? Because while I'm flattered, I think it might get kind of awkward –"
"No! God, no. Nothing like that." I squeaked. He breathed a sigh of relief as I loosened my ponytail, more for something to do than because it was too tight. Our eyes met and I couldn't help but giggle. He joined in, and when the giggle fit had subsided, he said:
"God, no wonder we're both single!" He smothered a laugh. "So, would you like to accompany me to my cousin's wedding, purely as a friend, and with no pseudo-genius gits in sight?" He smiled. "I should warn you, my cousin lives in America."
A chance to visit the States? And a wedding full of gorgeous, single American guys? Perhaps some might even ride motorbikes…
"Ew, Mum, that's Dad you're talking about!"
"Shh! Shut up, Luke!" At least Leia understood the appeal of motorbikes.
"Sure!" I grinned. Then I frowned at him. "I mean…that enthusiasm has nothing to do with you. You're lovely and everything, John, but I don't fancy you."
"Great. Ditto. So…not a date, then."
"No, not a date. Just a wedding and a chance to prove your heterosexuality!"
"…Right. I'll e-mail you the details when I get home." And with that, he drained his coffee and headed back into the morgue to see whether his friend had emerged from his 'mind palace' yet.
"Mind palace?"
"You know how your uncle gets, Leia. Once he has a puzzle to solve, he'll go to the ends of the Earth to clear it up... Even if that means sitting like a statue for an hour or two, checking his hard-drive for data."
Anyway, that was how I ended up on a transatlantic flight sandwiched between some chatty red-head named Donna and John, who, poor thing, fell asleep within the first fifteen minutes.
Apparently, he hadn't got any sleep the night before. I forget exactly why… It was something to do with a red-head and a bank heist or something. There were exploding crates of Euros and a Cockney in there somewhere. Of course, it was one of their crazy escapades, and – as ever – only John showed any sign of tiredness as a result.
I don't know, kids, it was a long time ago and I had other things on my mind… Like wondering what John's cousin was like, and whether he knew any normal, nice guys who weren't romantic disasters waiting to happen.
Of course, your father was a romantic disaster already in progress, but you know that side of the story...
A/N That's set up everything for the main storyline… So, what did you think of it? Did you spot the random references? Leave a review and let us know!
Yellow Emerald & Legendberry