President Snow stared at me.

I stared back, in complete and utter confidence because hey, I'm Katniss Everdeen and I just won the Hunger Games. Whether he liked it or not.

"I don't believe in your love with Peeta," he said.

"What love with Peeta - I mean, what're you talking about? I'm so totally head over heels for him. I think my life would end without him." I hoped my monotone wouldn't throw him off or anything.

His eyes narrowed in a really creepy way, and he decided to downright threaten me. Me. An innocent sixteen-year-old girl. "We can arrange that, you know," he said in a low voice.

Arrange that? You can arrange it? Well, bitch please! 'Cause guess what?

"I'm not the kind of person who dies from being killed! I'm KATNISS EVERDEEN!"

/~/~/

"Yeah, so... I kinda let your girl tribute die," I said awkwardly.

Beside me, Peeta looked very awkward.

"She was super cool and all. I mean, she helped me with my wounds and stuff..."

I was getting blank stares from the district. Not cool, Eleven, not cool at all.

"I'm sorry."

/~/~/

Ten or so districts later I found myself at District Two.

"Frankly, both your tributes were just dicks, but at least Cato got to hear my epic speech before he died."

/~/~/

"Katniss."

Peeta suddenly knelt down on one knee, and I found myself feeling very uncomfortable. He seemed to be waiting for a response, so I blurted out, "KATNISS EVERDEEN."

He nodded. "Katniss Everdeen." He then took my right hand and held it in both of his. "Please, allow me to forever serve as your loyal servant... No, let me be your dog."

What.

"Marry me."

/~/~/

"You know, the best thing about winning the Hunger Games is that I don't ever have to do it again."

"But Katniss, it's the Quarter Quell this year," said my stylist.

"... fuckery."

/~/~/

And then, as if they were trying to rub it in my face or something, the tv announced, "The Quarter Quell this year will bring back all the past winners from past Hunger Games!"

Double fuckery.

/~/~/

My name was drawn. Big fucking surprise.

Weirdly enough, Haymitch (who?) was drawn for the male past victors, but Peeta, my new fiancee/dog, volunteered.

"I won't let you lay a hand on my mentor! I VOLUNTEER!"

Yes, he truly is worthy of being my bitch.

"Who the hell do you think I am?! I'm the victor of the 74th Hunger Games! Peeta Mellark! If you think you can beat me, go ahead and try! The only one who can beat me is me!"

Pause.

"And Katniss Everdeen!" I added.

"Right, that!"

/~/~/

Yeah, so, we went through all that random stuff that's required for Hunger Games tributes all over again. Like training and shit. Along the way I met some maybe-plot-important characters, like a super hot guy wearing a strategically knotted net, a bitch from Seven, and some old guys from Three.

We all made a super big alliance 'cause, you know, that's obviously just the smartest thing to do in the Hunger Games for the second time.

/~/~/

"The arena is a CLOCK!" one of the old guys from Three declared.

"Shock!" the rest of us exclaimed.

And then someone got devoured by monkeys.

/~/~/

"We must destroy the force field!" Beetee declared.

"But how?" The super hot guy asked.

Beetee didn't respond.

We waited.

Finally, he said, "That's right, bitches. You can't do it without District Three."

We waiited some more, because we figured we at least ought to give him his moment to shine.

"How does it feel now?!"

How does what feel now? We may never know.

/~/~/

I shot an arrow at the force field and got knocked out.

Son of a bitch. Never listening to District Three again.

/~/~/

I woke up on a helicopter a few hours, days, or months later. Apparently, while I was out, Peeta and the girl from Seven got captured and are maybe getting tortured at the Capitol. Also, District 12 got bombed.

See, this is what happens when I go to sleep. My dog gets beat up and my home is destroyed.

You guys can't do anything without me.