I finally made it back to the hotel but I veered away from the entrance to the drugstore that was next door. I was standing in the checkout line with a roll of tape before I even registered what I was doing. I had torn up John's letter and tossed it to the floor but it still managed to find its way back to me. John begging for my forgiveness wouldn't be enough for me to forgive him but maybe it would help me to be in the same room with him without feeling like I wanted bash him over the head with the nearest heavy object. I finally made it to my room and sat down on the bed with the torn letter and the tape in front of me. I pieced the pages back together and immediately wanted to tear them up again. It was addressed to Phil. I had given John permission to use my first name some time ago but he never had until things ended between us. I took a deep breath and settled down enough to read the letter.

Phil,

The one thing you need to know before you read the rest of this letter is that I love you. Not Randy, not anyone else, only you. I came to you after WrestleMania because it was you I wanted to be with. I didn't come to you in tears or anger because the only thing I felt after Randy broke up with me was relief. If I hadn't been so unsure I would have told you what I felt, not threw myself at you like some love-starved teenager. I had no idea at the time that action would set off a chain reaction, ruining everything between us little by little. There were reasons why I behaved the way I did, reasons you may or may not understand, but I think you deserve the truth.

The Randy I thought I was in love with never existed. When he came to visit me in Tampa after my injury he was completely undone. He told me he was out of his mind with jealousy; jealous that I spent so little time with him, that I had replaced him in my life and it was killing him. He didn't have to say it outright but I knew he was referring to you. At the time I knew that I felt something beyond friendship for you, but I had loved Randy for so long and I was finally getting the chance I yearned for after all these years. The only thing Randy asked of me is that I give him my undivided attention and affection. It didn't seem like too much to ask for. I was so elated that Randy wanted me the same way that I wanted him that it didn't occur to me until the next morning that he hadn't said he loved me back.

Our first night together…I know you don't want to hear these details but I have to tell you so you can understand what was in my head. Our first time together wasn't everything that I had been fantasizing about for years. Randy was rougher than I had expected but I thought it wouldn't always be that way. I thought that Randy was so crazy in love with me that I didn't mind the bruises I found the next morning. The first time was the only time we ever had sex face to face. At first, I just wanted to give Randy anything he wanted but after a while it really started to bother me and I know Randy could tell but he didn't make any effort to change. After a while, we stopped having sex altogether.

Randy isn't stupid and knew that there was something more important than sex that he could offer me; the one thing that I had never dared to hope for. He gave me Alanna. When I realized I was gay and not willing to hide it, I knew I would be giving up any chance at ever having children. The pain of that thought was so extreme that I considered staying in the closet so I could have the chance to be someone's father. Alanna took to me immediately and no matter what Randy did I was willing to forgive him everything, as long as I could keep seeing Alanna. Randy used Alanna to keep me with him, knew she was the best way to keep me anchored to him. It was outright manipulation, though I didn't realize how much at the time.

Somewhere inside of me I knew the truth because when Jericho started his campaign to destroy you and your career I couldn't stay away. Randy didn't like that I had rekindled our friendship but as time passed it became glaringly obvious that I cared more about what you were going through than how Randy felt about us spending more and more time together. It didn't take long for me to realize that it was you occupying my heart and not Randy. Randy wasn't the man I had built him up to be in my mind. I should have been crushed. I should have felt guilty that I was emotionally cheating on him with every moment I spent with you; but I didn't.

What I did feel guilty about was that Randy had left his wife for me and a few short months later I was ready to end things. The guilt ate at me to the point that I called Sam because I couldn't go one more moment with that guilt hanging over me. That's when I found out that there was no reason to feel guilty in the slightest. Sam admitted to me that she had cheated on Randy while he was on the road. She wasn't completely certain but, knowing Randy the way we both did, she thought Randy had gotten together with me to hurt her and get revenge on her for the affair. What better way to humiliate your wife than by turning around and dating a man. It backfired on Randy when Sam didn't care that she had been replaced with me. It had always bothered me that Sam hadn't run straight to the media when Randy got together with me but now I understood why.

Sam always knew that Randy would come back to her once he thought she had been punished enough. I stayed with Randy for a few days after that so I could say goodbye to Alanna because I knew it was unlikely that I would ever get to spend time with her again. I was ready to leave Randy but he took care of that the night of WrestleMania. He told me he was going back to Sam. I couldn't understand why Sam would take Randy back but I couldn't find it in myself to care. Randy was setting me free; setting me free to be with you.

I left Randy's room and rushed to yours. I was almost there when I heard my name being said from around the corner. Eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves, and in this situation it directly led to me making mistake after mistake with you. It was Ted and Cody. They were laughing at me. Wondering how stupid and soft I had to be to have not realized what Randy had been up to. They just kept laughing and laughing and I was humiliated. I had no idea that Randy had told anyone the details of what our relationship was really about. There was no way for me to know how many other people Randy had told.

I went straight to your room, ready to tell you everything, to lay my heart open to you. When you let me in your room all I could do was stare at you. The words just wouldn't come. All I could hear in my head was Cody and Ted's laughter. In a matter of days I knew it would be all over backstage. My body betrayed me and I launched myself at you. Making love to you was wonderful, perfect, all I knew it could be between us but I couldn't find it in myself tell you those things. I was weak, worrying what everyone would say about me, about us, when they realized that going into WrestleMania I was with Randy and then showing up at Raw with you.

One bad decision led to another. I had to tell myself every moment we were together in public that I couldn't touch you, couldn't wrap my arms around you and kiss you the way I wanted to. I could hear the whispers behind my back; how people joked that I could make a man straight again after only four months. The last thing I wanted were those vicious whispers to demean you too. I had to keep you at arm's length, had to stop you from getting too close to me. You have no idea how many phones I shattered against the wall when your phone calls came and I forced myself to ignore them. All I could give you was my body behind closed doors and just hope that the way I touched you, the way I kissed you, would tell you all the things I couldn't say out loud.

I was too weak to even call you Phil when you asked me to. I knew one day it would slip out in public, and with your adamant refusal to be called anything but Punk, even by your closest friends, it would give everything between us away. As much as I loved you, I hated myself even more. You told me you loved me, you laid yourself bare to me and I couldn't even tell you I loved you back. Everything in me rebelled at leaving you out there all alone with your feelings, but I was so afraid, so frightened that making what was between us real in every way would only lead to another public humiliation when you realized that the real John Cena wasn't the strong and funny guy I showed to the world. I was vulnerable and fragile and couldn't bear it if you left me because I wasn't the man you thought I was.

I was so wrapped up in my own head I didn't see how much I was hurting you and I had to make it ten times worse by deciding to cash in my Money in the Bank contract. I was covering myself in as many layers of distraction I could find. When Randy approached me in catering I realized just how despicable he was. Instead of speaking to me privately he brought Alanna along, knowing she was my weakness. He made it more than obvious that he wanted me back, having no idea that I had the whole story from Sam. He thought he could slither his way back into my heart like the Viper he claimed to be. I was so angry that I asked to meet him in his room later, playing like I was going to take him back when all I wanted to do was get him alone and tell him just how vile a human being he really was.

I finally left Randy in catering, only to find you backstage and for you to call me Mrs. Orton. I had done more than convince Randy that I was taking him back, I had convinced you too. I tried to tell you that what you had seen wasn't what you thought but you broke up with me before I could say anything. I had dug my own grave but I didn't realize how deep down I was until after I lost the match and you went after the Rock. It was a complete 360 from the Monday before and I knew that I was to blame for every fan you crushed with your actions. When I finally got to the gorilla position all I could see was Jericho's arms wrapped around you and I saw red. At the time it looked like Jericho had stolen my dream. He had tried to destroy you emotionally but you forgave him, made him your friend, and apparently, your confidant. He had gotten the forgiveness from you that I always hoped for. Who knew what other position he might like in your life now that dumping me had left a vacancy.

I was frantic when I came to your hotel room that night. I had to make you understand. It was beyond time to come clean. I tried to speak but it all just came out in stutters and half formed sentences. You tore me apart like I had seen you do to so many people before and I knew I deserved every word. I finally stammered out something that seemed to calm you, but Randy Orton managed to fuck things up for me yet again. My mind tracked back to that first night we spent together. There weren't any words spoken but you gave yourself to me anyway. In desperation I did something inexcusable…reprehensible…and any other horrible thing you could call me for basically sexually assaulting you. You should have broken my jaw, kicked me in the balls or any other punishment you thought I deserved.

This letter isn't a plea for forgiveness because God knows I don't deserve it. If you ever look at me without anything but utter hatred in your eyes it will be far more than I deserve. I don't even have the right to beg you for anything more than that.

Love Always,

John

In the author's note in chapter 5 I promised not to torture you for long with not knowing what was in that letter. That was almost a year ago. It was the equivalent of fan fiction water boarding. I thought I had lost my inspiration but it turns out I was only being lazy. If any of you actually read this update so far removed from my last update on this story I will consider myself forgiven (just a little).