Dear Diary,

The last few years my life have read like some crazy melodrama between supernatural beings, crazy curses, diabolical plans, twisted romances, and more death than any one person should have to witness. So the events of the last few months shouldn't even phase me. Yet I find myself wondering how I ended up where I am. By all rights, I should be a vampire right now. The night Evil Alaric killed Klaus, (in actuality Klaus had jumped into Tyler's body), Matt's truck went over the Wickery Bridge, trapping both of us inside. Stefan was able to save Matt at my insistence, but I drowned with vampire blood in my system. Unbeknownst to anyone including myself, Meredith had given me Damon's blood to heal the intracranial bleed I suffered at Klaus' hands.

When the paramedics pulled my body out of the water, I was by all accounts clinically dead. Had I not actually died,Evil Alaric would still be alive hunting everyone I love to extinction. Somehow I was resuscitated and brought back to life. No one could understand how I managed to avoid transitioning when I died. All we could come up with was that I hadn't been dead long enough for my soul to leave my body. Either that or someone had other plans for me.

When I woke up in the hospital, I had these strange dreams about Damon. It was only later that I realized they were compulsions, not dreams. Apparently my brush with death released me from Damon's compulsions. As if my feelings hadn't been torn enough before, this put things in a whole new light. You see Damon had compelled me to forget the first time we met. I'd always thought we'd met at the boarding house, but in truth, I'd met him at the bon fire the night my parents died. He was so different than the Damon I'd met later, the Damon Stefan warned me about. Damon was...sweet and warm, and God was I drawn to him. He didn't want anyone to know about his plans to get Katherine back, so he compelled me to forget our meeting. What he didn't realize at the time was that he'd altered our future. God, I was so mad at him for that. But my anger was short lived when I remember his other compulsion.

It was the first time he told me he loved me. He was so vulnerable unlike I'd ever seen him. This person, who always seemed so uncaring and arrogant, actually had his humanity all along. He'd just been so emotionally scarred that he hid it. He believed he didn't deserve to be loved. All the times I rejected him only reaffirmed what he'd already thought. It breaks my heart when I think about how much I've hurt him especially after all he's done for me. How could I have told him I chose Stefan AGAIN, when he was possibly about to die? These things weighed on my mind, as I tried to go back to Stefan. Sticking to my choice became that much harder.

Damon and I had grown so close while Stefan was gone. I tried so hard to deny my feelings for him. I even tried pushing him away. Everyone including Stefan could see how I felt. But what kind of person was I to fall for my boyfriend's brother, when the only reason Stefan left was to save his brother's life? Still, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't let Damon go. In fact, I'd given in to my feelings at the hotel in Denver. If Jeremy hadn't interrupted us, I would've let him take me that night. My heart was truly torn between what I had with Stefan, and I what I could have with Damon. I knew I couldn't go on hurting them any longer. A decision had to be made.

In a way, Rick's death made the decision for me. I couldn't bear to lose anyone else that I cared about, so I chose the safest love. I loved Stefan first, and I owed it to him to try again, after all he'd gone through to get his humanity back. My love for Damon is so intense and volatile that the control it has over me sometimes is frightening. What if something went wrong between us? I could lose him completely. He had become such an important part of my life that I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't there. It had been painful enough when we'd been briefly estranged after the Mikaelson's ball. So as painful as it was, I had to let Damon go romantically, so I wouldn't completely lose him. Twisted reasoning I know. It was a decision I regretted from the moment I uttered those words.

I realized the mistake the first time Stefan kissed me again. It felt...flat. I'd always thought we had this passionate relationship, until I had kissed Damon. Stefan's kiss was sweet, but when I kissed Damon, every nerve ending in my body was on fire. I felt like I couldn't breathe without him. I tried to put it out of my mind for Stefan's sake, but the memories kept creeping back in. The memories were so strong and vivid that I couldn't bring myself to re-establish my physical relationship with Stefan. All I could think of was how incredibly soft Damon's lips were to kiss, the touch of his hands as they roamed my body, and the feel of his pelvis pressed hard into mine. Just being near him gave me Goosebumps.

In no time, I found myself making other comparisons. Stefan didn't challenge my decisions the way Damon did. He always let me have my way like he was afraid to disagree. Sure it made for a smooth relationship, but there was no excitement. I found myself intentionally starting fights with him, but he always caved to what I wanted. He was all about respecting my choices, even if they were wrong. I thought that's what I wanted. But Damon wasn't afraid to tell me when I was behaving like an idiot. It makes me laugh at how I've come to appreciate his brutal honesty. Maybe I've matured, IDK.

I began thinking about all the times I had to fight to get Stefan to stay. He couldn't accept himself and thought I'd be better off without him. No matter how many times I rejected Damon, he never left me. He always chose me. Eventually my list became too big, and I had to be honest with Stefan. The truth was I missed Damon. I hadn't seen him much since I tried to get back with Stefan. The thought of him moving on with someone else was killing me. That's when I knew for sure I needed to make things right. What I was doing wasn't fair to anyone.

I told Stefan that I do love him, but too much has changed for us to go back to the way things were. I will always love him, but I'm not IN love with him. I told him how I never meant to hurt him. He was deeply saddened but not surprised. He'd felt our lack of connection too. He knew all along that my feelings for Damon were deeper than I'd let on. But he allowed himself to deny it, hoping we could regain what we'd lost. Stefan decided it would be best for him to leave town. It would be too difficult for him to see us together. He needed some time to heal, and Damon and I needed a chance to be together without feeling guilty whenever we saw him. I didn't want Stefan to go, but I understood why he had to. Truthfully, as much as I would miss him, I knew we'd both survive without each other. We'd already proven that. I couldn't say the same about Damon.

Damon didn't believe me at first when I told him how I felt. I can't say that I blame him, after as many times that I'd told him it would always be Stefan. I cringe whenever I think about that. It was like Katherine all over again for him. I told him that I'd been lying to him and Stefan, but mostly to myself, about how I felt. I explained all the fears that I mentioned above. I said his unwavering love engulfed me. And it frightened me to think I could love someone to the point of losing myself in them. I said I finally realized that what I'd been so afraid of was the very thing I couldn't live without. I cried a lot. I told him I'd fallen in love with all of him, the good and the bad. It was hard for him to believe because he'd never been chosen for anything. He was guarded, but I told him to just give me a chance to prove it. I think it finally became real to him when Stefan said he was leaving so we could be together.

Our first night together was...OMG! I've never felt passion like that before. Every inch of my body was in sync with his. And we moved with each other like we'd always been together. It was so intense that I felt like, I felt like, it was my first time ever. We had so much sexual tension built up that it's amazing no one got hurt. LOL. Damon has had God knows how many women in his long vampire life, but I could see in his eyes how much this meant to him. I guess after so many years of meaningless sex, being inside the woman you love is emotionally overwhelming, especially when that woman actually loves you in return. Afterwards, we just lay together naked, face to face, caressing each other's hand and smiling. Damon's guard was completely down for once. I loved seeing that side of him, the side he would never let anyone else see. I imagine that's what he was like when he was human. I wish I'd known him then.

It's been a little over 3 months now that we've been together. Sometimes I'm still not sure he entirely believes that I love him. It's like he keeps waiting for me to take it all back and return to Stefan. I guess after 170 years of being told you're not worthy of who you want, or anything for that matter, it's hard to accept being happy. So I have my work cut out for me. But I'm determined to prove it to him. After all he's done for me, he deserves that much. Actually he deserves more.

I can say one thing for sure there is never a dull moment with Damon. In between all the supernatural drama that is always surrounding us, we manage to have fun. It's a mixture of his smart-assed sense of humor and our flirtatious banter that brings a smile to my face, even when I think it isn't possible. We still butt heads and drive each other nuts, but somehow, we always seem to make it through. And it makes the sex that much hotter, if that's even possible. I really do love him more than I thought possible. It's ironic really. Damon was with Katherine first. She toyed with his heart, even though she knew she actually loved Stefan more. I dated Stefan first, but ended up loving Damon more. I guess that's what they call karmic justice. It was meant to be Damon all along. I just didn't know it until now.