Relive and Regret

Chapter 7

A/N: Sorry it took so long had to find access to a desktop to transfer this to . Kristoff was named before I saw Frozen. I just thought a burly Russian couple would be good.

As Always I do not own the Hunger Games in any form, this is just a fan tribute to a fantastic series.

I may be selfless when it comes to Katniss but I wasn't utterly masochistic. The news that I wouldn't even last to see my daughter's next birthday tore at my heart. I knew what it was like to lose your parents and I didn't want that for them. My family was everything to me. This was one heartache I couldn't shield them from. However the worst part was knowing how good Katniss and I were for each other and our children and knowing it was possible that I would never know Katniss's love. I might have a healthy life perhaps, but I would be alone. Even if she had married Gale, to be with another would have felt like a betrayal of who I was. No one else could take her place. I would not create a woman like my mother bitter and angry for always being the second choice in her husband's heart with no way to win that heart.

Ordinarily I wouldn't dream of being this manipulative but my past, present and future happiness and perhaps hers as well were at stake. I would not give all that up without a fight. I knew things about her that she didn't even know yet. What she liked, what would make her smile or laugh. You don't spend nineteen years living and loving together and not pick up on things and I wasn't about to ignore that knowledge to be 'fair'.

"How about we stop by the bakery then?" Faking my charming smile. My Katniss hasn't fallen for this one since I used it against her to get her to travel to Four and see her mother years ago. But seriously, no one but a smitten toddler would have believed her when she lies like that.

"Okay." She says. Nick squealed and jumped on her shoulders to urge her on.

We head to the older side of town where only original settlers and native twelve citizens had built before there were other towns in the district of Appalachia.

Old Town looked more like the district used to but far was better maintained. Sidewalks and huge apple trees lined the streets. I had been the one to suggest apple trees at the council meeting as there had been many local stories about them in Appalachia, but also secretly to delight my wife. Apple trees meant hope. Our bakery storefront ' Mellark Family Bakery' had primroses and dandelions painted or carved everywhere with little Katniss flowers carved and painted in above the door. I saw her jaw drop as she saw it all.

"It's beautiful." She says.

Inside my manager and his assistants were helping several eager customers. Ever since it became clear my time was limited, I promoted my replacement and spent every moment of what was left of my life with my family.

"Daddy!" Dandelion gasped, caught red handed with a snicker doodle and crumbs over the front of her shirt and in her braids.

"Are you wasting my employees time, and snagging valuable merchandise instead of heading straight home?" I frown sternly but can't help the twitch of the right side of my mouth.

She hides the cookie behind her. "They said they needed someone to test this batch!" She protested, looking much like her mother.

"I, I saved one for you Mommy!" She pulls out a dark chocolate toffee cookie, Katniss's favorite and holds it out as peace offering. My little girl has learned the best way to get back in my good graces is to be good to her mother.

Katniss accepts it and involuntarily closes her eyes as the warm cookie melts in her mouth.

"Precisely how many cookies have you let her test?" I turn to my manager Kristoff. "I don't want her dinner spoiled or made sick."

"That was her second, promise." He wiped his brow. Kristoff was a bear. Towering, barrel chested, hairy and with dirty blonde hair. He vaguely reminded me of my oldest brother despite being from Ten. He was kind hearted, hard working and fiercely protective of his family which is why I chose him to be left in charge until my children could run it, by then there would be work enough for all. We get orders all over the district and outside it we were considered The Bakery to order from. Fame had finally given instead of take.

I hug my daughter but tell her that she will have to help them to make up for her cookie. She then asks Katniss what she thought of the cookie. I hear my wife's positive review.

"Is Natasha in the back?" I ask without a smile.

Kristoff nods and grows as serious as I am. I think he wants to ask me what changed but thinks better of it. His discreet nature is another asset.

I bring Nick to Kristoff's rotund wife and ask her if she could keep an eye on him. As soon as I let him go he's running about and getting into the toys in my office.

Dandelion is trying to get Katniss to dance with her in a circle as she tells her about her day at school.

I take the opportunity to go rummaging in the fridge for the makings of a lunch, desserts and wrap it in basket.

"We will be be back soon." I say winking at my daughter as I wrap my arm around Katniss and kiss her cheek, motioning her towards the back where my orange motorcycle is stored. The other ones are for local deliveries. I hand her a helmet and put mine on as if it could extend my life. "I know you must have a lot of questions, but this isn't the place." I brush her ear with my finger.

She nods. "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Instead I get on it and pat the seat behind me and smirk. "You know I'd never put you in danger."

I see her bite her lip then get on.

"You'd better hang on tight to me, love." I say. "Falling off the back is not on the schedule," I imitate Effie's Capitol voice. "We have a big big day ahead of us."

She laughs and its the best sound I've heard all day.

We wind around people and pick up speed on the proper roadways. Her hands tighten around my waist and she squeals a bit as we make sharp turns. I love the speed, it makes me feel free. It has been a gift I had never thought to have in any real way as a teenager.

I used to envy Katniss even when she was barely getting by. I would see her in the market with her family when we were young. Her parents held hands, and never yelled at their offspring for things that would have gotten me beaten. Her parents loved each other and their children flourished in that. When we were in first grade her dad had picked her up and praised her rough drawing of a fire. I had colored a sunset with mountains behind it that had left my friends in awe, and my teacher had praised me. My mom saw it and had commented that the shadows on the trees were in the wrong direction for the light source and had told me I shouldn't be proud of it and it was a waste of time. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. My mom had won art competitions in school and I had hoped that if I could be like her that she would love me. Katniss may have starved for food, but I was severely starved of any affection or praise. I died inside. I became good at making other people like me. I could lie from years of practice finding the right answers to keep the abuse at bay and keep the peace at home. I took wrestling so she could no longer get in a hit. If Katniss was hungry she could hunt, if she was attacked she could fight back and no one would yell at her for it. I hunted for approval and acceptance with wit and flattery and lied to survive at the cost of my freedom.

Katniss never did anything to impress others, she just did. She said what she meant. I admired that courage and strength of will. I was a coward. I let my mother get away with too much just to keep the peace. I regret not having the courage to talk to my love before our reaping, I would not be dying if I had. It was clear even at the age of 11 that she could come and go as she pleased not stuck working inside. She was free. I had wanted her to love me so badly. If she who was so impossible to impress, who never lied to save feelings could love me then I must be worthy of it. I was so afraid that she would find me lacking that I stayed in the background of her life.

I gesture at the backside of our home as we pass it and she nods against my back. We travel up a large hill and I stop at the top and gesture to a freestanding deck through some trees. She looks confused so I gesture for her to go first with an exaggerated flourish. I don't think any man has been able to surprise and delight his wife with the same thing twice, yet here I am doing it. The deck looks out over the trees and other mountains with the ocean far in the distance, but still visible.

"I never knew we lived this close to the ocean..." She turned to me.

"Before Panem we wouldn't have been, but there it is. It's been there our whole lives, beautiful and just out of reach, till now."

I can see her awe, and take the opportunity to put my arm around her shoulders. I whisper conspiratorially into her ear at just right to cause her to shiver and feel it in her belly. "Twelve reaches to the sea now, and is filled with little towns."

When she turns to me I can see her eyes dilate. I brush my nose against hers.

She turns back to the ocean and says. "It's beautiful."

"It's alright." I reply dryly turning to lean against the railing and glance at her.

She looks startled.

"It's no Katniss, but it'll do." I say matter of factly, then smirk.

"Come on, I've got more to show you." I tilt my head back the way we'd come.

"Peeta." She says seriously, stopping me. "Tell me."

I sigh. "What do you want to know?"

"Why did you lie?" Her brow furrows.

"When did I lie?" I counter, knowing full well I didn't. It had just never come up.

"About, that you're..."

"Moving one? This isn't news to you, you're just having a forgetful day." I turn away. I don't know if its the talk or my condition but I feel exhausted.

"Why are you..."

"You don't need to worry about it." I stall.

She scowled. It rarely worked to stall, but it was worth a try.

I sighed and spoke of things I spent most of my time trying to forget while gripping the rails in case this became too much.

"They tortured me Katniss. Killed me a few times along the way. Filled me full of tracker jacker venom. I've been lucky to have lived this long, things considered." I laugh hollowly at just how ironic it is. I survived through two one winner death matches with the intention both times to die for my love. My heart stopped and I was dead for a few minutes, had blood poisoning... My home and family were firebombed until there was nothing but ashes. Months of torture and death. A civil war, a mission that killed almost everyone involved, many of whom were stronger and better fighters than I was. My own desire to die for my sins. Yet I had survived. After all of that it was illness quiet and inevitable that was going to kill me. "I don't like reminding you of it because its not something you can fight. It just is."

"During the war?" She squeaked, voice higher pitched with the sound of repressed tears. I looked down to see her knuckles white from squeezing the rails.

I nod, finally looking at her. She looks furious but I know it's not directed at me. It's at herself because she thinks she has control over the things that happen to those she cares about.

"Well, why aren't they making you better?" Her face crumples, and she wipes her eyes before turning to me.

"They can't. Too much is wrong." I say.

"But, but they must be able to!" She denies with a shake of her head. "Its the fucking Capitol, they've had decades to put together near dead victors, if they can't even do that what are they good for? You said this is the healing district!" I hadn't heard her curse until after the war so it startled me now. She growls. "You said things were better now after the war-"

"They are love, children aren't starving or being put to death, we can go where we want to, we-"

She shakes her head, tears leaking out as her entire body trembles. For me. Because 16 year old Katniss cared for me. It was oddly comforting.

I gently put my hand on her cheek, and shoulder.

"What's the point if you, you of all- you-" she can't seem to say the word die. "You aren't here? You deserve so much more!"

I draw her into my arms and shush her. "It's okay. I never expected to live this long, and you made my life worth it, worth living." I kiss her forehead. "Thank you." I don't know if I've told my Katniss this since we've been circling around my death. I hope she remembers this.

She shakes her head against my chest. "No, but it's my fault, isn't it? I'm not convincing enough."

I won't let her blame herself so I say nothing and just lean into her resting my eyes.

Eventually I tried again when her guilt didn't abate. Guilt concerning me would only drive her away and I couldn't afford that when she would be going back to before the Victory Tour.

"I'm not your responsibility Katniss. You didn't force me to fight Cato. Everything I've done for your benefit I have done because I wanted to." I stroke her hair and use the most reassuring tone I can. "Dont worry about it, love. You'll go to sleep tonight and be sixteen again and if you remember anything, remember that this isn't your fault."

"I won't forget!" She protests like I've insulted her. " I owe you-"

"Nothing Katniss, It's not a transaction. It's didn't think Prim owed you when you volunteered for her." I answer. " Besides, You have no control or responsibility for my liver." I joke.

She doesn't laugh. This was going nowhere. I had to distract her. Luckily, I've been very diligent in my research in that art when it came to her.

So I kiss her. She's startled but responds when I lick the side of her lips. I nuzzled where her ear meets jaw and blew into her hair. She shivers and gasps.

*****HGHGHGHG

"How did we get here?" I ask as soon as I'm aware of my surroundings. I feel bark rubbing against my back. Peeta helps steady me.

"After the games, we didn't know each other very well, but we grew to. And you fell in love."

I felt giddy and stupid for crying in front of Peeta. Well the giddiness and distraction were definitely the results of the kisses that had created an overpowering hunger that I was not prepared for. I had assumed my disdain for marriage, children and love would have made me immune to or at least wary of excessive kissing. No bells went off in my head in warning' Hey, this is something dangerous we don't want'. And they should have they really should have. A shockingly large part of my mind had been eagerly set on baby making activities in graphic detail. I turn bright red.

I try not to look directly at him for fear that my thoughts will show through. I fear anything I say will expose me as well.

"Come on, I have one more place to show you." This Peeta is far more smug and confident than I have ever seen, even after winning wrestling matches.

We ride down the mountain a bit back the way we came until I can hear a raging river, and feel welcome cool mist brush my face. Then I see it. It's not a river, it's a waterfall, in 12. It's not as dramatic as the ones shown in the Capitol travel shows. It had bright flowers crawling around it and the rock was green with moss and ferns. At the bottom was a rock bridge with a dandelion covered stone path.

"It was always there, in our backyard." He whispers.

We sit on a rock and eat sandwiches and my shoulders finally start to relax.

A/N: Yes an awkward place to end but I wanted to give you more of the story. Reviews are Motivation and inspiration. How's the tensing? Pacing? Were the POV changes clear enough for you?