Hello my lovelies. So, this is a "short", silly story I wrote in seven parts. I hope you don't hate it too much.

Day One

EPOV

It was a beautiful Monday morning. Everybody was fresh after the weekend and ready to start another school day. They were especially looking forward to spend two hours with Mr Collins – the man so lucky with words it made you want to cry. Or laugh. One was never quite sure.

Mr Collins managed to make everything awkward. He was just one of those people. One of those teachers who made a joke and you could hear crickets dying in the background. I believe it was the school's worst decision to make him take over sex-ed.

"What you see here in my right hand at this moment is a factory made penis," the man started his lecture. "Everyone know what a penis is?" The class stared blankly ahead, then nodded slowly when Mr. Collins started shaking the pink dildo he was holding. "In my other hand I'm holding a contraceptive, otherwise known as a condom."

Then he proceeded to put the condom on the dildo. I wasn't an expert, but something told me he was doing it wrong when the condom flew across the room and landed on someone's forehead. Mr Collins cleared his throat, excusing himself while the class tried hard not to giggle.

The teacher moved towards his desk and picked up a doll. "Remember this: no sexual intercourse until marriage. Because you will get stuck with one of these babies," he shook the baby and it immediately started crying. Again, Mr Collins cleared his throat, excusing himself and tried to soothe the baby. He gave up eventually and cleared his throat again. "I'll be splitting you up in pairs. You'll work together for one week on bringing up your child. Remember what I said about sex: don't have it, or you'll be spending a whole lot more time bringing up one of those screaming dolls. And they won't be dolls. They will be real. No plastic. Real human flesh. That you will be responsible for until you die from the syphilis you'll catch from all the unprotected sex. Don't have sex, kids. It's bad."

Crickets dying.

He cleared his throat again and picked up the list of students. "I think the alphabet will work well in this situation. Um... Ms Archer and Mr Ashton..." They took a baby from the desk and sat down. I stopped listening until I heard my name. "...Ms Bennet and, um," he scanned through the list, "Mr Darcy."

Nooooooo!

Of course I had to be set up with the proudest, richest, handsomest jerkball of the entire school. Lucky me.

I was approached by the annoyingly smug William Darcy holding our baby. He took a seat next to me, cradling the child, looking as if he might strike up a conversation. But I'd rather listen to Mr Collins talk about hissexual escapades and fantasies than talk to that creep. I think I managed to express something along those lines with my eyes, for he quickly turned his attention to the teacher. He continued to pair us alphabetically, but there was one boy who was the odd one out. If my memory served me correctly, the boy's name was Dennis.

Mr Collins put his arm over the Dennis's shoulder and said sympathetically, "I guess you'll learn what it feels when you stick it in but don't stay for the rest, eh?" He squeezed his shoulder and Dennis forced a smile. "Raising a child alone because the father of the child didn't handle the responsibility and left you all alone." He winked. "Don't stick it in until you're ready to deal with the consequences."

Mr Collins handed Dennis a baby and allowed him to take his seat again. He looked relieved.

"And that goes to all of you. Remember that."

Mr Collins then told us how to take care of the baby and how we would be graded on this project. I just prayed that Darcy could take care of a child, because I sure as hell didn't.

The teacher then went to fetch strollers, diapers and bottles for the babies. Darcy and I still hadn't spoken when Mr Collins ended his lecture.

"I know I put you in male and female pairs, but no sex, okay? I understand you have raging hormones and sexual frustration and feelings and such, but don't act on them. We don't want anyone dead, right?"

Nobody said a word.

The bell rang and we were finally free. I took my bag and left the room, unaware that Darcy was following me, dragging a stroller while holding our crying baby.

"Lizzy," he said, pulling my arm to stop me. I turned around to face him. He handed me the baby, upside down. "Congrats on motherhood, it really suits you. Take care." He started walking away, but I stopped him.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?"

"I don't have time to take care of a baby, I have an exam tomorrow."

I thrust the crying baby back at him. "I don't have time for it either. In case you haven't noticed, I'm in the same math class."

"Of course I've noticed you..." He combed his fingers through his hair. "I mean... you're smart and you can pass it easily." I forgot he was almost complimenting me when he threw the baby back at me. I only just caught it. It was now screaming and wetting itself. I almost felt sorry for this piece of melted plastic.

"There's a reason I pass exams – I study." I put the baby in the stroller Darcy's fingers were still clutching.

"Come on, please," he begged, watching me as I straightened myself back up. "I'll pay you fifty dollars."

"I don't want your stupid money," I said, insulted.

He thought for a moment. "I'll buy you that book you want, what's it called? A Dance with Dragons?"

I was taken aback. "How did you know I want that book?"

"Your Facebook," he admitted.

"We're Facebook friends?" I had no recollection of that.

He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head. "Well...um...no..."

This was just too odd. William Darcy is a closeted Facebook stalker?

"The baby needs diaper change, goodbye." I started walking away.

"Elizabeth Bennet, don't you dare walk away from me," he said authoritatively. I turned around to give him a piece of my mind but he stopped me. "I promise that you and that Emo friend of yours will never be harassed by Caroline's posse again."

I thought for a moment. It was a pretty nice proposal. It would be nice not to be reminded every day how horribly ugly I am, of my bad taste in clothes, bad hair, zits and not to forget how poor my family is.

"First of all, Charlotte is Goth, not Emo. Second of all, I don't need your help with Satan's bride–"

"But it would be nice, wouldn't it?" he interrupted. I scowled. "Just tonight. I'll take the baby tomorrow, I promise. And then we can work however you want. You'll take the days, and I'll take the nights. Anything you want. Just tonight."

"Just tonight? You promise?"

He looked away, coughing. "And practice nights..."

"No." I started walking away again but again he was in my way.

"This is getting ridiculous. Just take the damn baby."

"You take the damn baby. I didn't ask to have your baby."

"Well, you got it, lucky you."

I screwed up my face. "Gross. The last thing I want to think about is reproducing with someone like you."

"Lizzy! Baby!" He pointed between me and the doll.

"Darcy! No!" I moved his hand away.

He groaned. "You are such a child."

"Another reason why you should take care of the baby, since you're so mature."

We didn't speak after that. I noticed the baby was quiet, probably asleep. I was just thinking that when Darcy wheeled the stroller to me and ran off at a great speed.

"Darcy! Darcy! You get your ass back here!"

The baby started crying again when I shouted, and Darcy didn't come back. I couldn't find him anywhere so I admitted my defeat. I walked home with the crying baby in the stroller. When I opened the door, Dad came running.

"I heard a baby c–what is that?" he asked, referring to the owner of the cries.

"My offspring. Congratulations Dad, you're a grandfather!" I kissed him on the cheek and took my coat off.

"Who's the father?" he asked and picked up the bundle of tears. He rocked it until it stopped crying, then he picked up the bottle to feed it.

"You won't believe it. It's the richest, hottest and most popular guy at school!" I feigned excitement.

"Why are you talking about Will Darcy?" my little sister Lydia called from the TV room.

"He just had a baby," Dad told her.

"Ew, gross."

My sister Mary, also occupying the TV room, took her nose briefly out of her book. "I think that's very irresponsible of him. He will have no future. At least, the unfortunate mother of his child won't have a future. He can run off and it will seem acceptable in our society."

"Get back into your cave, Mary," said Lydia.

"Girls, no fighting," said my mother. She was on the treadmill, speed walking while watching Jersey Shore.

Dad made the baby burp and then handed it to me. He had to help me hold it right and once I managed, he told me it needed a diaper change.

I screwed up my face. "Will you help me?"

"Darling, I haven't changed a diaper in 10 years or so."

"And now is the perfect time to start again, right?"

He shook his head, grabbed a diaper for me and walked with me to the bathroom. There he watched me attempt to change this baby's diaper, and found it quite entertaining. Once I was finished, the baby was crying its little plastic heart out. I guess I had moved it a lot... in ways you shouldn't perhaps.

Dad went to his study to go over his students' essays, but agreed to keep the baby with him while I studied for my exam. I wasn't sure how I would study, though. I never knew when it came to math. It seemed like you just had to do every problem over and over again until you got it right. I was way too lazy for that. I took my baby and watched with it a few episodes of Sex and the City. I found myself explaining the storyline to the child, thinking Hey, maybe this won't be so bad.

Well, I was wrong.

When I went to sleep, it immediately started crying. I fed it, burped it, changed its diaper but nothing worked. I tried singing to it, but it only made it scream louder. It was so obnoxious, like its father. After a while I started crying with the baby and we eventually fell asleep together in the bathtub.

So what do you guys think so far?