This is not only fanfic. It is also part of my life. I have scars. I had same feelings as Alec did. But someone found me.

This story is more like my feelings - feelings I made into story. Songs I would recommend you to listen while you are reading:

Amazing piano song: watch?v=3dM2qCCg6GE

A very sad song for broken hearts: watch?v=gjgkxjfYHsE

Alone wolf (Violin): watch?v=hYgJAN1Ol5g

Metallica-Nothing else matters: watch?v=ZHSLUOPymZ4

Enjoy reading. Probably.

Till next time.

Dolf aka A realistic logical ideologist

Alec kept his head down while walking down street from Institute towards Brooklyn. At least nobody could see his face... That's all he needed now. Alec was sick of pity looks people kept giving him. Like he was someone you should pretend to care – not because you really care about that person, but because well – because you are scared to get your ass kicked by that person's family and High Warlock of Brooklyn his boyfriend. Alec was happy to have Magnus – because he knew only Magnus treated Alec same way as before and didn't look at him with pity and with sick – horrible expression. Like he was ashamed of how Alec look like.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."*

Right now Alec knew. And agreed with it. Scars will always be there with him reminding him about nightmare. About demon hunt when his face became marked with horrible slashes. He will always remember. Razor sharp talons. Sinking in his flesh – scraping his bones. How it sank in his face. All pain – pain he felt. Alec knew he was lucky that beast missed his eyes by couple centimetres – because Alec knew without his eyes he would die... He remembered how later he blacked out. Or probably did. How last thought in his slipping mind was picture of Magnus.

At that moment Alec knew well he thought he was not going to make it. There was so much pain – everywhere. Nobody was there to help he. Jace was somewhere chasing demon that ran off and Izzy was probably with Jace. Alec in split second was happy that it was him hurt – not his sister or parabatai. He knew he should have blamed them for leaving him and running of to some demon. Not being focused – which leaded him now to be even more ashamed how he look like. To be more scared to tell his opinion or even to speak loud. So people would notice him. And pity him – pity he did not need nor wanted.

Sometimes he would wake up screaming – from memories that were haunting him. At first weeks he was scared to sleep. He was scared to close his eyes. What he knew was that Jace found him there lying in his own puddle of blood around his head and face and everywhere. All Jace told him that he found him – carried him to Institute while Izzy called Magnus. That was all he heard. That was all everybody told him. But Alec knew if not Magnus he would be dead. He would be where Max was. Apparently demon talons nicked his artery in arm and his neck. He was barely breathing when Magnus came. He knew that he was out cold for couple days.

And that when he woke up he was all covered in bandages from his neck down his torso and arms.

First thought when he wake up was "Magnus..." and "Where I am ?.." or "Am I dead..?" But he saw cat like eyes looking at him – with love so much love that Alec felt like crying. There was no pity in Magnus eyes. No disgust at what he was looking. He only held him close to his chest while tears fell down his tanned cheeks. Alec was happy to be able to see his love. To hold him. Smell his scent. To know that he was still alive and Magnus was still there.

But who would think his happy ending was not here yet. Jace and Izzy came over – both of them had puffy red eyes. Like they were crying for days. Izzy just hugged him and Jace later.

But Alec knew something was wrong. The way they looked at him – in a different way. Like they were scared to look at him. Like something about Alec disturbed them and scared even when they tried to hide. Alec feeling creepy feeling and tight knot in his chest bolted out of bed and ran to bathroom – not caring the way they called his name.

When he looked at mirror it was like someone took floor underneath his legs and he was falling down. His face was all marked with deep red slashes across his cheeks – nose – eyebrow – eye. Alec suddenly felt like he was going to be sick. He slowly walked down to toilet and felt acid burning his throat and piling up – he let it all out – while gagging and crying at same time. He was sick at how he look like. He was like doll... ugly doll.. sewed together with needle. His eyes were burning and he felt suddenly tired..so tired... He wanted to wake up and know that this was all one horrible dream – but he knew it was not. So he slowly slid down bathrooms wall until he was on ground hugging his knees. He never heard door open and silent footsteps approaching him. He did not notice how that person slid down wall and sat beside him. Until he felt strong and at same time familiar time arms around him and lifting him to his lap. All he felt is gentle fingers brushing his hair while whispering calming words to his ear. Alec felt his own snaking around slim waist and hugging person he loved more than anything – hugging like he was scared to let go – to know that person he loved – was sick to look at him now. He held close and Magnus held him close. Clinging to each other like there was no tomorrow. They stayed like that for a while – just clinging to each other. While he kept sobbing and Magnus kept holding him – holding him close.

After that everyone just well left him alone – ignored him. Even Izzy and Jace only talked with him when they needed some help with different demons or needed Alec to call Magnus for some help.

Alec couldn't blame them really even when he was sick to look at mirror. Only Magnus kept him from breaking apart and falling down into abyss where he would lose himself forever.

Only Magnus made Alec to look towards next day. Magnus never changed how he treated him. Alec was happy about it.

At first. Everything was fine. As far as it could be fine.

Everything seemed to go as fine as long as he kept low. Nobody cared any more how he dressed – Izzy never talked with him about he was wearing over sized hoodies. How he hid himself behind his hood. And kept in shadows. Nobody really probably cared any more. He was worst shadow hunter ever ?Huh? Probably that was why everyone kept their space. Just Magnus cared how he dressed and made himself to be. Magnus was only one solid not changing thing in his new life. Alec was happy at first. He knew with Magnus he would be fine. Even when at first he only shut himself in his own room for a week without talking to anyone. He was to ashamed. He was scared how people would look at him – how he could see pity in their eyes. How they would pretend to give a fuck about him. Alec was scared of everyone pretending. His self esteem seemed to crash around him like castle of cards. He was scared of people looking at him.

It was like he was back to where he was before , but ten times worse. It was not that he was ashamed of being gay – it was different he was scared to be seen. He was just to scared. At how Izzy and Jace never talked with him any more. It hurt... It hurt how they never tried to barge to his room and drag him out like before. Demanding to know what was wrong.

And most he was scared to face Magnus – Alec knew he was being stupid. He knew that warlock loved him , but he was scared to see expression in Magnus face that he saw on everyone else. Shame – pity – discuss. He was scared to look at Magnus and know that he only pretended to be in love with him now because he pitied Alec.

It scared Alec most. He was ashamed of himself. He was just so scared. Alec knew that he was not even slightly worth to be with Magnus walk with him down street or anywhere or even hold hands. He was scared and at same time ashamed of himself.

It was like everything inside him was crashing down. Leaving him naked and feeling like worthless demon – that everyone would be sick of and disturbed of.

Until one night he felt how his bed sank in and somebody lied down to him. He felt so much loved and familiar arms snaking up around his waist and bringing him closer. Without words Alec snuggle closer to his lovers chest and first time in long. He knew Magnus was with him and everything was going to be fine as long as he had Magnus.

At first weeks it was fine. Everyone kept ignoring him – and Alec kept by Magnus side. They spent all time together until one day Magnus was in some "worst day ever" and asked Alec to leave early. After that days went by Alec tried to call Magnus , but he never go answer – he tried to go over to him – but whenever he went there all lights were out. Once Magnus called said sorry about not answering phone – he said he was busy with work as High Warlock. Alec had said it was fine. Days went by Magnus barely called and when he did it was short calls. And it was different. His voice was colder.

Bad feeling kept nagging Alec until he could no longer take it any more. He put on hoodie with biggest hood ever and walked down street towards Magnus to demand and ask what was wrong.

While he kept his head down – with feeling in his gut that almost choked him.

But still Alec kept walking , because if he stopped he knew mundanes would notice him since in rush he left Institute he didn't draw glamour rune.

He just wanted to see Magnus and make sure everything is fine and make sure that it was only his imagination – Magnus avoiding him.

He was scared even to think about it – about Magnus cheating on him or realising how ugly he was and leaving him. It would break him apart. Alec knew it was only Magnus who kept him going into sanity or ending his own life.

He walked couple more minutes and noticed he was already in street which would take 2 minutes for him to get to Magnus. Alec kept walking – he heard music even before he turned around corner. Probably... well Magnus was throwing party – which was not something Alec would not know. Warlock liked this type of things. But Alec was a bit confused and hurt how Magnus didn't tell him about it and didn't even invite him... Like before. Alec felt even more self conscious and ashamed of how he did look like... He felt his chest tighten and his eyes burning, but he ignored and kept walking up stairs – entering front door. Not even looking at anyone. But once he lifted his eyes – he wished he never did...

My mind always told me to "Leave and advance",
But my heart told me that I still have a chance.

Magnus was there... with other man. They were all over each other. Kissing...Hands tracing each other bodies... Lips crashing against lips. Alec could feel his world falling apart – his chest tightened so much it was hard to breath. The man just whispered something in Magnus ear and Magnus smiled. Still unaware that Alec was there... Looking at him with painted eyes. And heart – heart which was shattered into million pieces – and those pieces were shattered into smaller pieces... Falling all around him like snowflakes – flakes of heart that wanted to burst out from chest... But what hurt more is saying man – man that was with Magnus. Was like him.. before... what happened. The man had raven black hair even when it was with purple streaks. He was tall and pale skin. He had blue eyes... He was what was Alec before – even when it did look like he had more self esteem and was already out of closet it hurt so much it was hard to breath... Alec should have known … but his heart told him different story... Magnus said he loved him... He said that Alec was not a toy to him... but true love... that he would love him forever and ever...that he was not just someone Magnus would be till it was attractive he said... he would love him forever... Forever... But it was never true...

You have no idea how I felt
You were my entire life

Alec felt like someone had ripped his heart out – stamped on it. And then threw back at him... Magnus was his entire life – his only one solid ground underneath his feet... ground that held him from falling apart. Alec felt like fate itself had slapped him and was laughing at him. Pointing fingers at him... It hurt – god how much it hurt... It felt like... there was no words for it... There was correct explanation...How much pain he felt. Like someone was rubbing his skin with boiled wax like he was being ripped apart from outside and inside. It was thousand times worst...worst then demon. It was worse then Max's death. It hurt so much it was hard to think straight... His eyes were burning his chest was so heavy it was hard to breath. His body was shaking – he felt sob forming in his throat. But at same time he knew if he opened his mouth no sound would come out. Magnus have not seen him yet... nobody else cared either. Even when he was on ground on his knees shaking. Tears running down his demon stained cheeks. Nobody cared... He was no longer attractive... Magnus never cared either... it hurt... so much. He was toy... nothing else... and tool for everyone... Now he was ugly … nobody needed ugly people...

So I listened to my heart and gave it a shot,
It was a bad choice, now look at the misery and failure It brought.

I thought I'd have a chance, so I kept holding on,
But I know that the last ray of hope is gone.

Alec should have never listened to his heart. He should have never listened to it... He should never have given his life – his soul – his body to Magnus... He was just a toy... But he still thought he had a chance... so he kept holding on. Not even when his parents did shut him out after he told them he was gay – not even when Clave treated him like something they would like to get rid of. Like dirt.. He still listened to his heart... But now... it was only …. his pathetic dreams and hopes... Magnus never loved him. Nobody did... Even his sister and parabatai didn't want to look at him... everyone had turned their backs to him. Man – man who was with Magnus returned.. Magnus hugged him.. and pecked on his cheek... same thing he did to Alec. Alec didn't even feel how his finger traced his cheek where Magnus would kiss him... tears were still rolling down his cheek. Magnus took man's hand and led them upstairs. To … to their... his bedroom. Alec wanted to scream or do something... to let Magnus know he was here. But it was like his voice was gone... He just stared from his position... as Magnus walked past him...not even noticing him... Broken figure on floor... With shaky legs he stood up and followed them... He heard t-... Magnus bedroom door open and close...

Today, the little hope I had inside, you killed.
I don't know why you destroyed something you helped build.

I must have been crazy to even try,
Because all it did was crush me inside and make me cry.

He walked down corridor. With blurry eyes. Alec wanted this only to be dream.. Only a nightmare. He wanted to wake up and feel Magnus arms around him pulling him closer.. Telling everything is fine... Telling him he loved him and would always be with him...

You said you loved me,

You said you would always be with me..

I wish this was only a dream...

A dream where I would wake up

with you beside me

His arm slowly rose without him and turned door knob. Door slowly opened. His heart slowly broke beyond repair... Magnus and that... man were pressed against each other. Hungry – passionate kisses were shared...between them. Hands traveling around each other bodies. Grasping each other with hungry eyes... They were pressed so close to each other it was impossible to see where one began and other ended...

Alec felt like everything inside him was jamming around. He felt like throwing up and at the same time passing out. He knew he should turn around and run away... But it was like some invisible force held him in place. Held him... Like it wanted to destroy him even more... Like it wanted to point him out how stupid he was... He felt his mouth open and with broken whisper left his lips..

"Magnus..." Saying his... his... loves..his life … name brought even more pain. Sob left his lips and tears crashed down. Making everything blurry... But he saw Magnus looking at him...

Look that killed him even more...

I wish this was just a dream

Just a nightmare

I wish I could just wake up

and feel your arms around my waist

Holding be close

and saying words I now knew was lies

Magnus looked at him with cold eyes. Like he didn't even know who had interrupted him. But there... was... disgust and anger in his eyes... Alec finally found his legs were listening to him he turned around and ran down stairs falling down couple steps. Knocking someone of their feet – he felt being pushed. But all he felt was pain and numbness and all he could see were cat like eyes filled with disgust towards him... He stumbled out the apartment to cold night. Even nature was against him rain was pouring down from dark unfriendly sky. Alec kept running not caring who could see him.. running like mad down busy street. He kept running with tears running down his cheeks...Because all he could see was cat like eyes filled with disgust and anger towards him...

I wish it was only a bad dream

A dream I could wake up

And feel your arms around me

Holding me close to you...

He did not know how long he had been running. But next thing he was in Institute running down corridor to his room. Nobody even looked at him even when he ran past him sister and step brother... Nobody even looked at him... Nobody needed broken things. He ran to his room – and closed door behind his back. While sliding down the wall – till he felt cold floor underneath him. He left sobs to be free – shaking his body – shaking his soul. All he could think was him...

You said...
you loved me

You said...
you had feelings for me

You said...
we would be together forever

You said...
that you would love me unconditionally

He did not know how long he was there crouched on cold wooden floor. But he knew pain would never go away... Nobody needed him.. Magnus …. oh god.. even his name brought so much pain he felt another sob leaving his lips, but he knew pain would never go away... He slowly stood up and walked down to the bathroom... Alec opened door and went inside.. turning light on. He slowly looked up at his reflection. Pale skin... puffy red eyes... rimmed with black moons beneath them... Wild hair... Sunken in cheeks... And red angry marks – claws all over his face... God.. He was so.. Pathetic. Ugly. Alec wanted to smash mirror and make his reflection go away , but he knew it would never go away... Nobody needed something. He slowly opened top drawer and took sharp razor out.

One, two, three. The seconds count down

Alec felt cold blade touching his pale skin. It made him shudder – but inside he was numb. Inside he was already gone. He pressed harder and felt it sink in his skin. He felt no pain. Just numbness. All he could think about was him and disgust in his eyes.

My heads spinnin' I can't control my life I'm stuck in this prison, of eternity. I've lost my waythings got fogged up and now I can't see.

Alec sank down to bathroom floor with blade still pressing against his skin. Pressing harder. He did not think what his action could bring. He didn't think about leaving sorry note or anything. Because he knew nobody would miss him... He pressed harder. Deep red blood ran down his pale arm. Making small pool appear beneath him.

He can feel pain , but it is not pain like inside of him... Alec slowly closes his eyes...

His vision starts to fade – he closes his eyes. Memories of him flashing .. memories of him. No longer he feels blade or pain. Thumb , thumb , thumb. His hands starts to tremble. He opens his eyes – because memories of him are to painful. To real at same time to fake. He grips blade and presses harder. His vision go black.

Thumb... thumb...thumb.

His last words in his fuzzy mind is

"I wish this was dream from which one I could wake...

With you beside me,"

Everything goes black – he feels himself slipping away.

Magnus burst through Alec`s bedroom door. He was angry at his family for always leaving Alec alone. Magnus felt tired and really worried , nobody told Alec what had happened to him – how he was captured by stupid Sebastian. At least he got him killed for once and for all. He had opened portal in his house at the moment when he saw himself – other him kissing man that looked so much like Alec and then... he saw.. he saw Alec... his eyes... All the pain. In baby blue eyes. He never cared about scars he still loved Alec just the way he was. Alec was his life – life he could no longer live without him... He wanted to shout to Alec. Do anything. But it was like he was frozen to place. All he could do is watch how his love whispers his name in broken voice while tears running down his cheeks. Then turn around and run.

Magnus felt himself start to cry. He wanted to run after his angel and hold him.

But only after while he realised he could move. He looked around and saw him – well other creature – shape-shifter leaving his apartment with wicked smile. But all he could think is something was going to happen. Something bad. He fast made portal to Institute and even before his feet hit ground properly he started to run. He had to find his Alec.

He ran to front door and banged it open – everyone inside just looked at him like he was nutts. He did not care. But he felt anger towards Alec family for leaving him after accident he felt like killing him , but he had to find Alec. Feeling inside him was making it hard to breath. Feeling that something terrible could happen... He ran to Alec room banged door open and... saw.. his love... his life... on cold bathroom floor... with deep red blood around him. Like broken angel. Magnus felt sob leaving his lips as he crouched down to his love... He already was cold to his touch... Magnus knew it was to late... His love was in other dimension... Magnus slowly murmured old words and lifted his broken love to his hands while standing to open portal. He teleported them to place where they both felt most happy. Where Magnus was first time so close to his love... Where they shared their first well Alec's first time making love. It was place where he and Alec wanted to come back. He slowly sat down making sure Alec his love was close to him. Making sure Alec was secure on his lap. He took slowly sharp razor from cold arms of his love and whispered words in old language. Then Magnus locked his arms tightly around his love. And felt sharp pain in his back as blade buried deep inside him piercing his heart – still with his love blood. Before he felt his vision go black he whispered another words in old language. Words that made sure nobody could ever move Alec's body from his own. He locked them together in embrace. With tears running down his cheeks Magnus closed his eyes and buried his face in his loves hair trying to breath his love scent.

He took last breath. Breath of his love – his life , his future , his.. death. His everything.

That was taken away from him. He slowly smiled with last thoughts "Alec, darling wait for me. I will find you whenever you are..."

And everything went black.

Their bodies close together in tight embrace. And lonely north star was even shinning duller than before. As if it had felt pain and love two lovers had felt...

So close and at the same time so far

…

Wait for me darling, I will find you whenever you are...Even when I am downworlder and you are Nephilim even when death itself wants to keep us apart

I will find you

Wait for my , darling

My love will find you

Just wait for me.

No matter how long it will take

No matter how hard it will be

I will find you

You are my light

You are my life

You are my love

You are my darling

You are my everything

So

Just wait for me.

I will find you