Just a quick note. I imagine this as being a very young River Song... like really soon after WoRS.

...That and the fact that it's kind of based off of a personal experience. *coughIcan'tcookcough*

The Doctor was fiddling with the wires on the underside of the console, trying to get the Old Girl to stop moving the squash courts into the bedrooms. Not that he minded, but River did...

Speaking of River, where is she? the Doctor wondered to himself. She said she was just going to get something to eat, I don't see what could be taking her so long... unless of course now the kitchen has moved too... He began to check and rewire another bundle of cords and wires and... stuff. Not stuff as in "stuff", but stuff as in the type of wires themselves were actually called stuff... We should drop by the planet Izotrian again so I can get some more stuff... these are all shorted out...

Just then, there was a loud bang and crash from the direction of the kitchen. The Doctor tried to jump up but only succeeded in hitting his head very hard on the underside of the console. He crawled out from underneath it, then jumped up again, and sprinted off in the direction of the sound. He arrived in front of the door to the kitchen. It was shut, and there were black charred marks reaching out from under it.

Oh no. "RIVERRRRRR!" The Doctor grabbed the door handle and tried to pull it open. It wouldn't budge. He pulled harder, and it still wouldn't move. He pulled out his sonic... No! Why did the TARDIS make this a wooden door?!... Finally, he backed up, ran as fast as he could towards the door, and burst it open with his shoulder, sending wood splinters flying everywhere and adding to the already disheveled state of the room.

He gasped, "River, are you alright?" He looked up to see her glaring at a charred lump on one of the counter tops. Her gun was in her hand. He looked around the room to see lots of little charred clumps of stuff all over the kitchen. "River, what happened here?!"

She turned and glared at him. "They kept catching fire."

"What?!"

"ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS MAKE A SIMPLE SANDWICH AND TOAST IT, BUT THAT BLOODY THING," she gestured towards the charred lump on the counter, "ALL IT DID WAS BURN THEM AND SET THEM ON FIRE!"

The Doctor looked at the charred lump again and could faintly make out the shape of the toaster oven.

"River, what were the settings turned on, and what were you trying to toast?"

"It was just a croissant sandwich with ham and cheese... and I don't remember!"

The Doctor scanned the remains of the toaster oven with the sonic. "River... you had it set on high, and the timer was on five... five hours?!" he turned and looked at her with wide, confused eyes.

River's eyes widened too and her face slowly began to turn bright red. She said very softly, "Well... Ithoughtitsaidfiveminutes."

The Doctor stared at her for a moment and began to suppress a giggle. Melody Pond, River Song... my bespoke psychopath... the woman who married me... The woman who can shoot out an entire army of Silence... can't operate a toaster oven. He started to flat out laugh.

"Stop it!" River yelled at him.

He couldn't stop, and bent over, holding his stomach with his eyes scrunched up as he laughed.

"STOP IT!" River yelled again.

After a few moments the Doctor recovered himself a little bit. He vaguely heard River say, "Oh, Sweetie..."

He looked up, "Yes?"

She threw one of the charred sandwiches at his face.