Authors Note: I'M SORRY DON'T KILL ME!

Catch the movie reference if you will! I don't own it.

~Natty

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporateeeeeed!

"I don't get what you're so mad at me for. You attempted to murder my sister. I didn't do anything to you." Dipper told the scientist.

"You don't understand why I'M mad at you?!" Doofenshmirtz argued. "You ATTACKED me and tried to RIP OFF my PANTS!"

Dipper rolled his eyes and folded his arms. "I didn't attack you…"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"Nope."

"Yeah!"

"Nah."

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Stupid kid!"

"Big nose!"

"Okay that was just mean…" Doofenshmirtz frowned and touched his nose self-consciously.

Dipper looked down, guiltily. "You're right, I'm sorry…"

Perry stared between both idiots. How'd he get stuck with three submissive and hopeless children? And one of them was in his forties! Doofenshmirtz acted like a child on a regular basis, so he was used to it. But now there were two other children in the mix, and he guessed that could be partly on him. He should have taken better precaution. Somehow. But in all honesty, how could he have expected any of this to happen today?

"Krrkrrrrkrr" The platypus chattered. They really needed to find the girl and then he could take them back to wherever they came from in safety. They'd never be safe, separated and near an older man. He wasn't implying anything anywhere, but Doofenshmirtz wasn't really a safe person. The man wasn't dangerous, it's just that danger followed him:

Everywhere.

Always.

At all times.

Everyday.

Of every waking moment.

Of life.

Ever.

Forever.

The platypus chattered again.

"I don't know what you said…" Dipper stared at the animal. "But I think it had to do with finding Mabel, right?"

Perry nodded with an affirmative chatter.

"Perry the Platypus is right...I suppose…We should find your sister or something…" Dr. Doofenshmirtz said.

Dipper smiled hopefully. "So you're gonna help us?"

"Heck no! –OUCH! OKAY! OKAY! Sheesh! Perry the Platypus, your elbows are hard! Fine, fine! I guess since I sort of, kind of, maybe, not REALLY—had something to do with her vanishing, then I SHOULD help you, okayyyyy? Is that better? Is the platypus happy now with this?"

Perry looked smug.

"Because if the secret agent platypus isn't happy, APPARENTLY the evil scientist can't be happy either!" Doofenshmirtz complained. "Why is my happiness any less valuable than yours? You think just because you can beat me up that you can get me to do whatever it is you want! Well, not only is that one hundred percent accurate! But it makes me respect you less as my nemesis, I hope you can live with that on your conscious for the rest of your life. Forever and ever and ever! This will follow you to the grave. I hope you know that—"

"Hey Heinz?"

"What? And how do you know my name?"

Dipper shrugged and pointed. "Says it on that fake plaque there, plus you kind of screamed it at us earlier."

"First of all, it's not FAKE. I earned that. And second—" Doof plucked the document from the wall and put it face down on a table. "—it's rude to look at peoples stuff without asking them."

"But it's on the wall."

"Yeah, so?"

"Obviously if it's on the wall, you want people to look at it."

"Yeah, but I don't want people looking at it and calling it fake."

"But it is fake."

"NO it's not. Why would I hang a fake doctorate?"

"So people will know you're a doctor."

Dr. Doofenshmirtz was satisfied with that answer. "Yes—"

Dipper cut in, blandly. "But it's fake."

Doofenshmirtz frowned, defensively. "Do you want your sister back or not!?"

"Of course I want her ba—"

"Then shut up."

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Fair enough. But how are you going to even find Mabel? You said she was gone forever and that the machine zapped her somewhere in the universe that you have no idea where."

"It did."

"Then how are you going to FIND her?" Dipper was getting irritated. He just wanted his sister back. Was that too much to ask?

"With this tracking device here, see?" Dr. Doofenshmirtz showed him a palm sized remote-like gadget with a screen and small satellite. It had a bold purple stripe down the middle of it in design.

Dipper was astonished. "You have a tracking device? This whole time, you've had a tracking device?"

"Yeah, and?"

"DUDE, I WAS IN YOUR PANTS!"

"I thought I told you never to bring that up again! It was worse for me than you! You have NO IDEA what I've been through because of you."

"What you've been through?!" Dipper yelled. "YOU DESTROYED MY SISTER RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!"

"I did not DESTROY her. I just blasted her with a machine that made her molecules transport somewhere else entirely that isn't in our sight and may never be in our sight again. It's not like I stole her pony, or whatever it is stupid little girls love these days. You're lucky I didn't use my Flash-inator on you! They come with that secret agent magazine that Major Monobrow distributes all over the country. Man, those things should come with a warning label or something. I should have sued, but then I forgot to, so..." Doof then remembered his point. "But you shouldn't have come to my house in the first place!"

"We didn't want to be here!" The boy argued. "Your stupid robot kidnapped us and brought us here!"

"I'M NORM." Norm said happily and Perry looked at the robot that was sitting up against a nearby wall. "HELLO PERRY THE PLATYPUS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME FOR TEA?"

The platypus shook his head and declined.

"ALRIGHT THEN, MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME."

Back to the arguing, Dipper glared and crossed his arms.

"Are you going to help me find my sister or not?"

"Yes! I am!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz told him. "I already located her while you were verbally assaulting me—Here! Take it and go!"

Dipper caught the device being tossed at him. It beeped, and the green dot located itself with a final persistent beep. "No way!"

"Found her?" Doofenshmirtz asked, half uncaring whether it did or not. He just wanted to consider his scheme thwarted and go to bed. Also kick everyone out of his house, including Norm for no other reason than that it would satisfy some kind of evil need in him.

"Yeah, it did." Dipper turned the remote to show them the monitor. "It says she's outside."

Back in Gravity Falls.

"…And that is how I, Pacifica Northwest, was born amazing." Pacifica Northwest finished off with a most satisfied sigh. "The end!" She grinned expectantly.

Out of the group of children being forced against their will to sit around her and listen to her story, only two of them clapped. The two being her friends, were way more thrilled and enthusiastic to hang around. The rest of the children looked bored and depressed.

"Ahem." Pacifica glared at them fiercely.

The children instantly started cheering, nervously and frightened for their lives.

Pacifica then looked pleased, bowing gracefully. "Thank you, thank you!"

"Hooray!" Grenda cheered in her deep and masculine voice.

Candy Chiu groaned as the flash on her camera went off. "The whole point of taking a photo is to stand still while the photo is being taken so as to take a good photo."

Grenda frowned and put down her large hands. "Sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. That was such a great story!"

"We are not even with them." Candy told her, raising the camera again to take a picture of a butterfly going by.

"Who said losers like you could sit in on my story?" Pacifica glared at them.

Candy pulled out the developing photo of the butterfly from her camera, shaking it to make the image come out quicker. "We are not sitting actually, we stand here and I wasn't. Your stories are overrated and bland for the most part."

Pacifica stamped her foot. "Well who asked you to listen anyhow? Do you see any other losers listening? Yeah, neither do I! Get lost before I banish you from my town!"

"She can do that?!" Grenda cried.

"No, she can't." Candy said. "She can't do anything to us if we're just standing here."

"I can do a lot for your information! I'm a Northwest, and I can—"

"So? I'm a Chiu. There is no difference."

Pacifica's face lit up a dark red as her anger grew.

"She's gonna blow!" Glenda ducked for cover on the ground.

"Humans can't explode when angered." Candy corrected. "That would be impossible."

"Freaks!" Pacifica screeched. "You're both freaks! You'll always be freaks! You and that Pines girl! Nothing but unpopular, un-fashioned, freaky, freaks! You'll never be popular! With your nerd brain and man-like qualities!"

Grenda looked down at the mention of herself in the verbal assault.

"—And your ugly brown hair and stupid knitted sweaters!"

"Mabel isn't here. Her and her family went to a swap meet that is out of town." Candy informed.

"Whatever!" Pacifica yelled. "You're all still a bunch of fre—"

"Crap dude!" Wendy Corduroy tripped over a branch and fell out of the bushes and into the street.

"Are you alright?" Candy helped her up by the arm.

"Yeah." Wendy sighed. "I'm cool."

"You could have broke your face!" Grenda cried loudly.

"Who do you think you are, interrupting me?" Pacifica glared. "Do you know who I am?!"

Wendy folded her arms casually. "A girl who really needs a mint? I don't know. Tell me."

"Ha Ha Ha! You got her good!" Grenda laughed and so did the other children around them.

Pacifica growled. "How dare you—!"

"I know what you mean." Wendy agreed. "How dare I just stumble out of the woods and comment that you look like a fat grape in that outfit. I should be ashamed right?"

"Ugh! Like I care what you think! You're a freak just like everyone else! Like those stupid Pines—"

"Oh crap!" Wendy yelled and grabbed Grenda and Candy's arms. "Let's go!"

"Where do you think you're going?! I wasn't done yelling at you!" Pacifica yelled after them.

"Where are we going?" Grenda asked as Wendy pulled them through bushes.

Candy struggled to hang on to her camera.

Wendy yelled out words, brokenly. "MYSTERY SHACK, FIRE, BOSS BURNING, LET'S GO!"

Meanwhile, Soos ran out of the woods just as the three girls ran in, missing them by seconds. "Hey! Come back here you thief!" He yelled after Gideon's father, Bud.

"Thief?" Bud Gleeful skid to an abrupt stop on the road. "I am many things, but a thief isn't it. What are you doing calling me that?"

Soos stopped running as well, skidding. "Oh, sorry dude. Didn't mean that. I just saw it in a movie once, this guy was chasing this other guy and he yelled that. That's all. It was a really good movie though. I just had to say it."

"No harm done."

"Aw really? Thanks guy. You're not so bad."

"Thanks." Bud Gleeful said with a smirk before pulling out a small device and flashing it.

Soos blinked as the flash disappeared and scratched the back of his head. "Uh…I forgot what I was just doing."

"I'm sure it wasn't important."

"I thought it was…" Soos said as he tried to remember what exactly he was just doing or trying to do or if he was doing anything at all. He thought he was. Why was he even in town? He thought he was supposed to be watching something while somebody was doing something. Or something…

"It's probably not important at all." Bud slapped Soos on the back, reassuring him.

"If you say so."

"Say, you want to join me for a drink? It'll be on me."

"Drink? You mean like a grape soda or something?"

"Sure. Something like that."

"Sweet! I'm in!"

Bud smiled and helped Soos up, beginning to lead him away. "Perfect…" He chuckled and smiled evilly. "Real perfect…"