Chapter 10

.


.

That night, as his kingdom's secret protector was being comforted by his surrogate father, the King of Camelot lay awake, heart aching at the sight of his beloved's devastated face as she stood bathed in moonlight at the window of their bedchamber.

"I'm sorry, Arthur," Gwen whispered.

Arthur went to her. He wrapped his arms around her, drawing her close. "For what, my love?"

She buried her head against his chest and for some moments nothing was said. Arthur brushed her left temple with the slightest of kisses, a touch meant purely for the most loving of reassurances, and squeezed her tighter.

Gwen began to weep.

"Gwen?"

She pulled away and could not look at him. "You need a strong queen, not some silly girl who dissolves into a sodden mess at the merest problem," she argued.

He cupped warm, strong hands against her face, running gentle thumbs over her tear-stained cheek bones. "It's you I need, Guinevere. Gentle heart and all." He pulled her back into his embrace. "If you change from the woman I love, then I will be bereft of my greatest solace. How could you possibly expect me to be strong then?"

A choked sob escaped her and she turned her head as if to hide her face against his breastbone. "But am I still that woman, Arthur?" she pleaded. "How can you say I am gentle or I have a gentle heart when I turned on two of my closest friends today!"

Arthur laid another feather-soft kiss against her skin. "And if you were not the sweet, kindhearted woman I love," he breathed tenderly into her ear, "would you be so very distraught now?"

She shook her head and tried to pull away once more, but he would not let her. "Don't, Arthur. Don't try to…"

"What? Comfort you?"

"I don't deserve it!"

Arthur shifted his head back and took a hand to lift her chin so they might look each other in the eye. "Don't ever think that, Guinevere. Of course you deserve it. Everyone reacts badly at some time or another, but that does not make them undeserving of comfort, especially when they regret their actions. You were shocked and frightened, and magic has brought as much pain to you as it has to me. Was it any wonder you reacted like you did? Yes, we both might have handled matters better - much better, in my case - but we can only go from where things stand now. And as you - we - still have feeling, as long as we have the ability to feel remorse, then there's hope."

Her answer was so quiet, he barely heard it. "But I don't know if I… if I can…"

"Accept magic? Even for them?"

He felt the smallest of nods against his chest and then his Queen burst into a fresh bout of weeping.

Arthur held her.

-x-

Some time later, the two lay facing each other in bed.

Arthur reached out a hand, taking Gwen's in his own and twining her fingers with his. "May I ask what you're thinking about?"

"Your mother. Your father. Mine. Morgana. Merlin and Gaius. All the rest of us."

"Tell me. Please."

But Gwen couldn't seem to find the words. Arthur sensed she was having trouble knowing where to begin, so he changed tack. Using his other hand to brush a curl from her forehead, he asked, "What scares you the most about all of this?"

"I don't want magic touching them, Arthur!" Gwen erupted without warning, the sheer pain and vehemence in her voice taking Arthur aback. "Merlin has always been so sweet and dependable - I'm ashamed to say it, but there have been times when I've thought of him as being more of a brother to me than Elyan! And Gaius comforted me so much after Father died, like a kindly uncle or grandfather… And when I think of magic, all I can picture is some clawed hand reaching out towards them! Even if it doesn't intend to, magic brings pain to all of those it surrounds! I don't care what Gaius said! To me, magic is like… like some malevolent cancer ready to poison them from the inside out and I don't want it anywhere near them!"

Suddenly Arthur understood. Gwen's anger was that of someone who was terrified for her loved ones, and furious at them for what she saw as purposely hurting themselves for some breathtakingly foolish reason. Like a mother shouting at her little boy for playing too close to the river, fright and a fierce urge to protect were causing Guinevere to lash out blindly. Her expression of those feelings might be twisted by her hurt from Merlin and Gaius's deception, and certainly it was tainted by the views against magic she had had drilled into her for her entire life, but it was coming out of fear for her friends, not hatred against them.

He also saw something else - that their persistence in seeing Merlin as some sweet, innocent, bumbling servant - their almost pig-headed refusal, in fact, to see him as anything else - was doing the man a great disservice. Not simply because it was denying him his rights, and his due as Camelot's saviour, but also because they were in effect rendering the real man invisible. Seeing the picture of him they had built up in their minds, instead of looking deeper to see the actual man before them, had blinded them.

"Merlin? Oh, he's just a servant."

"Merlin? Ha, no! He's perfectly fine. Nothing ever gets him down!"

"Merlin? What do his feelings have to do with anything?"

They - No, I, Arthur thought, I - never saw. I never wanted to see. And so I missed the truth. I missed seeing what he was. I missed seeing his struggles and his pain. I even missed seeing the fact that he was a person at all, and not just the one-faceted image in my own head, there merely to move the greater ballad of King Arthur to the next stanza, nothing known about him personally and even less cared.

How alone we must have kept him, Arthur realized.

But it was Gwen who was here at the moment, and so it was Gwen he needed to help now. He gave her hand a light squeeze. His first impulse was to reassure her that both Merlin and Gaius were fine, but he bit back his words; that was not only trite, but untrue. Merlin was furious and likely heartbroken and had been overlooked for years. And Gaius might have been thirty years married if not for the Purge, with a companion to see him comfortably into his old age and perhaps even children of his own, ones he had the chance to see grow from infancy and not thrust upon him already near manhood. Not to mention that, right now, both men - plus that reprobate Gwaine - were the-Gods-only-knew where! None of them had been seen since that afternoon.

Arthur briefly wondered if indeed they were ever intending to come back.

However, Arthur did not voice these thoughts to Gwen. Instead, his mind turned from Gaius's lost love to Uther and his Great Purge, and he found he wished to ask his wife how she could forgive the man who killed her father, whose hatred had turned his own daughter - her closest friend - against them all, who had executed hundreds with little mercy. But he didn't know how. Now it was he who looked away, his voice uncertain. "Guinevere… my father…"

With the instinct born from love, Gwen knew what he was struggling to say. "I don't have a simple answer for you, Arthur. At first, it was… I don't know… because he was my King. Because no matter what the reality is, there is always this part of us that wishes to think of our ruler as someone who will protect us, as someone who knows best. Partly because that's what we're told to believe all our lives, I suppose, but also because the alternative is too frightening. To think that the man who has complete and utter control over every aspect of your life is ready to execute random citizens every time he hears an ominous whisper or starts at a shadow is like living in a nightmare that never goes away. To get rid of that cold hand endlessly gripping your stomach… well, you do your best to fool yourself, don't you? You tell yourself that he has reason, that he must be acting with justice, so you can convince yourself he will never come for you and you will be safe as long as you follow the law. You even begin to feel sorry for him, because he was fooled by magic and lost his greatest love, and now he is acting only to protect his people and his son.

"After my father died, it grew more complicated," Gwen went on, pausing only to sniffle delicately and wipe a stray tear from her cheek, "On one hand, I hated your father. I despised him. I… I wished him dead every night. I am sorry, Arthur, I swore I would never, ever tell you that, but it was true! But hate is so wearing. Eventually I became exhausted. And, as I grew to love you, it become easier to see your father, the man who shared your blood, as being horribly misguided instead of vengeful. He made an unforgivable mistake in the case of my father, but once my grief lessened a little, I began to blame magic instead of him. It was magic's fault - for tempting people to take the easy path. It tempted your father with a son at the cost of your mother and it tempted my father with simple wealth and a better life. And, while I can understand that perhaps blaming magic was something I did because it was easier than blaming your father or mine - it pains me to say, but in some ways he was like Elyan used to be, always wanting something better without working for it or making a commitment - it's still so hard to see magic as anything other than dangerous."

"Maybe Merlin and Gaius are not like that though, well, except with Merlin and his chores," Arthur argued softly. "I'm beginning to see that Merlin, more than anyone else in this kingdom, has had a firm vision of the future in mind and worked more towards it than we can scarcely conceive."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I'm not sure, but it's not so difficult to believe as it was a few days ago."

"Even if we could take Merlin at his word, and trust him to resist the temptations of power, what of those others who would use magic?"

"Some will be evil, yes, but some will be good I hope. But we take that same chance with ordinary people everyday."

"I know, but magic is so very powerful! An evil man with a weapon or an army is just an evil man with a weapon or an army - we would still have a chance against him. But magic is sneaky and covert and dishonest and... and powerful…"

"And if we had good sorcerers on our side, then we would still have a chance against an evil one. Merlin has proved that in our battles with Morgana. Besides, magic is not going anywhere, despite all of my father's actions. If we wish to encourage people to use it for good, then we must show them the rewards of a lawful life."

"Have you made your decision then, Arthur?"

"I… I don't know," he admitted. After all he had realized, after all he had just said, Arthur could not understand why he was holding back, but he could not deny part of him still wanted to.

"Strategy, for all its logic, isn't quite enough, is it?" Gwen asked.

"No. If I repeal the law, it will be because I feel doing so is right. But I can't seem to make my mind up - let alone throw my kingdom into chaos - about something I worry I am doing purely for the sake of getting my brother back."

Gwen leaned over and kissed him. "Oh, Arthur," she said as she caressed his cheek.

"It's so idiotic - I never noticed how he was always at my side until now, when he isn't."

This time Gwen kissed the hand in hers. "He'll be back."

"Will he?"

Gwen couldn't answer. After laying there in silence for some moments, each lost in their own desolate thoughts, Arthur asked her to go on about his father.

"Are you sure you want to hear?"

"Yes. I cannot shirk from the full truth any longer. I must learn all that I can."

Gwen nodded in understanding. "When your father become sick, at first I nursed him for your sake alone, no matter how much I loathed being near him. But gradually, while I never grew to love him, or even completely forgive him, I began to pity him. He was so helpless and broken. And as I softened towards him, it was Morgana I began to hate more and more. Didn't she know what a gift it was having a father? Couldn't she imagine how much I would give to have mine back? And, as time went on, I began to feel that however wrongly or not he may have gone about it, your father's wish had been to preserve his kingdom, while all his daughter wanted was to destroy it.

"Morgana… I think what frightened me most about Morgana, Arthur, was how insidiously the change in her crept up on me, like an inky black mist slowly coming in from underneath the door, ready to sicken all those I held dear, the woman who was like a sister most of all. I knew something was wrong but not what. It made me so helpless I thought I would go mad! How can you fight something you can't see? That you can't even know for certain is there? I had so many nightmares! I wanted to get her away, to protect her, just like I want to do with Merlin and Gaius now, but all that time she was lying and pretending and plotting against us! I was worried for her and so I missed how duplicitous she was being. How she was tricking us all. And when she ordered the townspeople to be killed after Leon, lifelong friend to both of us, refused to swear allegiance to her, I wanted to be sick! I wanted to scream and throw her from a parapet because I was so… so enraged and so filled with despair that the magic had won! That it had taken her and turned into this vile, awful creature who could kill those very people she would have given her life for a mere year before!

"And for her to take the throne, I knew she would have to kill you, Arthur. How could she even think of doing that to you, her brother? And to me, to all of us! To rob you of your life and to cause the rest of us such terrible grief!

"Then, on top of that, I had to pretend to be loyal. I had to lie and persuade her I still loved the snake who had taken my sister away over everyone else, just to get Leon and I away… Arthur, the bile in my stomach churned for days. It took all I had not to try and strike her down. And the betrayal I felt, not just for my sake, but for all of us…

"And the guilt, Arthur! The guilt for turning on her no matter what she became. The guilt for not saving her. I... I..."

Here Gwen broke down, unable to go on. Arthur gathered her in his arms and rocked like he would a child while she bawled wildly and beat her fists against him, helpless against the anguish that overtook her, and that was how they stayed until she fell into an exhausted sleep just before dawn.

.


JediMasterMiraxHorn - I personally wouldn't go that far - I feel the whole thing is a bit all over the place and could also use a bit more action - but thank you for saying so!

CaraLee934 - Slow computer - I totally sympathize. Anyway, thank you for the compliment and may I say an especial thank you for that positive storm of reviews you sent me for some of my other stories! That was fantastic!

YellowWomanontheBrink - Wow, making someone go all fan-girlish is far more enjoyable than I imagined!

Nyme - I totally agree about Gaius. The poor guy is usually just there to treat whumped Merlin then discretely leave the room so Arthur can sit with his poor warlock. Not that that isn't enjoyable, but the man deserves so much more! As for Gwaine, I think he's always on Merlin's side not just because of friendship, but because of his personality. Not only is he "Defend the underdog", but he's so generally easy-going and ready to jump right into life. (And, let's be honest, the guy just loves a fight!) It doesn't matter what it is, it's Gwaine's nature to charge ahead. "Tavern brawl? Excellent! Let's go!""Best friend a sorcerer and we need to bring magic back? Excellent! Let's go!"

LinBates - Sorry this was such a long wait! Hope it was worth it!

Teej - Thank you so much! Good character interactions are vital to me.

TeganL74 - I love your reviews - they're so long and detailed! And it's true, you don't see Gaius and Gwaine talking much. I wonder why that is? The contrast along with the shared concern for Merlin could make for some good scenes.

Downtrodden Merlin - it bugged me so much that season five never dealt with how this might have affected matters later on, both psychologically for the characters and strategically for people listening to Emrys the sorcerer, but then they knew it wouldn't matter considering the lazy-ass way they were going to end it.

Mushy bits - yeah, I like some, but not too much. I think it's especially important too when you're primarily writing for male characters. You want emotion, but you don't want to turn them into little girls.

annablethegreat - Hopefully Arthur is not only going to meet Kilgharrah, but Aithusa too.

yay - Thank you. I hate to say it, but I'm kind of proud of that little ending. (P.S. Thank you for all of your other reviews. I'd answer them, but then this would end up being longer than the chapter.)

oma13 - It makes me wonder how Mr. Wilson dealt with so many young co-stars, especially in the last season when he seemed to be the only principal left from a different generation.

Aurelia30 - Actually, Arthur and Merlin were supposed to see each other in this chapter, or at think about what they were going to say to each other, but then this went on so long and in the end it just felt right to deal with Arthur and Gwen alone first.

Irene - Gwaine's interior monologue about Lamia might make a good, but separate companion piece. I'll have to think about it. As for my depth, I think that might be down to my somewhat obsessive urge to dissect fanfic (an offshoot of my obsession over characterization). If it wasn't for my essential laziness, this would have turned into a nit-picking psychology thesis about the length of "War and Peace".

FireChildSlytherin5 - You might change your mind if this does in fact end up longer than "War and Peace". (See above.)

And Merlin without Gwaine as a friend is too depressing for words!

Amethyst M - Thank you!

Ruby890 and Freylin - Hope this made some things clearer on the Gwen front. When she started acting out in chapter 7 it suddenly hit me that she might be suffering from a variation of Stockholm syndrome (at least when it came to Uther and the fact that he was King). I guess the brain-washing wasn't just a matter of hearing Purge propaganda from birth. I also realized the slow creeping nature of her relationship with Morgana that last year she was her servant might have been more traumatizing than anyone around her considered. And if someone you cared about so much changed so drastically, it might be hard to believe in your heart that the next person you care about won't suffer the same way. (And don't worry that you insulted me - I totally understand. Besides, it's a reviewer's job to say what they think!)

sarajm - Thank you and I'm thrilled to see YOU have a new story up. Sorry I haven't got around to leaving a review yet, but it is going really well! You've come up with a lot of insights about the life of a servant in relation to people apart from Arthur that I had never even thought of!

Stealth Dragon - Merlin has got a few things to do before he talks to Arthur, but it might happen in the next chapter.

Or not.

Book girl fan - I'm trying to decide if Gwaine should go with Merlin and Kilgharrah on their mission. I can't get away from the awesome image of Gwaine getting to FLY with them.

Anyway, massive thanks again to everyone, readers and reviewers alike! I apologize for the wait. See you next time!