THE DAILY PROPHET

Terror at Hogwarts!

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, an institution considered unassailable by the forces of Dark Magic due to its ancient protective enchantments was cracked open like a walnut yesterday and Aconite Snape, 11, Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape's adopted son, was possessed and taken by demons into the demon dimensions, our sources tell us. Slytherin prefects, Pugsly Nott and Clytemnestra Crabbe, described the scene of utter devastation as the Minister for Magic's wife, now Home Economics mistress at Hogwarts, allowed the whole school to descend into utter anarchy.

"There must have been so much negative energy, all generated by the pupils of Merlin House, that the evil spirits gained access to the school. My father said it was always dubious have so many dark creatures amassed under the roof of Hogwarts. It was bound to test the defences of the school."

Aconite (see left) is a mer-wolf, until his parent (Professor Larry Lupin), a hitherto unknown aggregation of wizard, dark creature and magical being. Many in the magical world have conjectured that Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape himself may have been instrumental in creating such an abomination as part of a plot to overrun the magical world with dark creatures. Lord Malfoy issued a statement insisting that, "Any experiment that our dear Severus may have undertaken was, I am sure, well-meant, if not appropriate."

This paper understands that Lord Malfoy is to convene a meeting of the Board of Governors as soon as possible to consider the dismantling of the House of Merlin.

Lord Black issued a statement as follows: "It is clear that Hogwarts itself chose to institute a new House, and has welcomed the new students in its time-honoured tradition of placing them in the most appropriate House. Not all magical beings have been placed in the House of Merlin. Many are interspersed in the other Houses too. For Malfoy to suggest otherwise shows he has his head up his pure-blood ****."

Lord Malfoy could not be reached for further comment.

Wizengamot breaks up in Chaos

The first full session of the Wizengamot since 1659, convened to discuss the repeal of the Marriage Law, broke up in chaos as the news was brought to Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape by Fawkes the Phoenix, the only magical creature to be able to Apparate directly into the Wizengamot since time immemorial. Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape announced the terrifying news to the Wizengamot and Disapparated with Fawkes. All efforts to contact Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape have since failed. (For our 'cut-out and keep' souvenir pull-out on Fawkes, including his biography, see centre pages.)

Baron Potter and his lovely wife, Nymphadora, (25) (34-22-35) and Lord Black also immediately left for Hogwarts to render assistance. The Minister himself sent all available members of the Magical Law Enforcement department and a crack squad of Unspeakables to investigate.

In the meantime, Mr. Weasley has urged the Wizarding World not to panic. All the other children at Hogwarts are safe and accounted for.

Lord Malfoy, together with Baron Belby and Viscount Biskyt, called for a judicial enquiry into the incident.

Whither the Marriage Law?

The Marriage Law remains on the statute books due to the chaotic ending of the session of the Wizengamot. See our editorial by Marietta Edgecombe-Malfoy, Marriage Law by Divine Providence?

Disappearance of Ancient Estate: Is Snape Dead?

Not only have Snape senior and junior disappeared, the ancient magical estate of Merlin-Nimue-Prince-Spinner's End-Snape-Hogsmeade has once again extinguished itself from the Magical Roll of Estates. It will only to open itself to the next male heir when he reaches his majority. Loren Cholmondley-Warner of the Department of Mysteries would neither confirm nor deny the apparent death of both Severus Snape and his adopted son. A statement was issued that there were other doors as well as death, which this writer finds rather fatuous.

WANTED

The post of Head of Hogwarts is now open for application. Lord Malfoy invites applications to the Board of Governors. No advancement will be considered automatic and no teaching experience necessary.