I love my dad, really, I do but sometimes he could be such a fucking douche-canoe it makes me fear for my genetic lot. I mean of all the dumbass bullshit he's pulled over my lifetime this has to take the fucking cake. What the hell was thinking that his "plan" (I use the term loosely) could possibly work?! I mean for Christ's sake he was suppose to be a grown up! Not that my mom did much better, she always has had a soft spot for dad.

I suppose I should rewind and explain a few things…yeah that might help.

My name is Selah Talia Stackhouse-Northman. Yup as in Eric Northman, as in the star QB of…well pretty much the nation. He's the "new Tom Brady" GQ good looks and all. The man who broke all the records at Georgia and swept the NFL with his speed and throwing arm, the man whose six foot six frame, blond hair, and baby blue eyes had every heterosexual woman and homosexual male within a ten mile radius drooling, the man who can and will bed any woman he damn well chooses. This guy is my dad…lucky me.

That's not to say he's a bad dad, when his head isn't shoved up his ass he's actually a really great dad. Never missed a school play (not that he could've but we'll get to that later), dance recital, or early gigs in crappy little pubs that stank of smoke. He always encourages me to do and be my best and I know he loves me unconditionally. Unfortunately he also has the tendency to the world's most epic douche-canoe.

My mom is Sookie Stackhouse. Now she's not nearly as famous as dad but she does own and run a chain of successful bars and grills, Merlotte's, perhaps you've eaten there? Sam's like a second dad to me so when he sold mom his business she felt it was only right that she keep the name. Like dad she has blonde hair and bright blue eyes but that's where the similarities end. She's about as petit as they come, only five foot three to my height of five foot eight. She does have curves though but I try not to notice my mom's rack, even if people constantly comment on how great it is.

Yeah…I encounter a lot of perverts, it's sad really.

Now considering what my parents do for their respective livings I actually had a pretty normal childhood, with one very big…er…difference.

I'm twenty years old; both my parents are thirty-three years old. Yes you heard right, I am an unfortunate statistic of teen pregnancy in the deep south, with an emphasis on teen. You see my parents are from a small town about an hour south of Shreveport Louisiana called Bon Temps. Like less than five thousand people tiny. So anyways mom and dad were childhood sweethearts, best friends since the sandbox and all that cliché shit. The way mom tells it she and dad thought they were in love (at thirteen…I know) and wanted to express said love in the most adult an intimate way possible. The way great Gran (or GG as I call her) tells it mom and dad were bored, horny teenagers with zero concept of what birth control is. I tend to believe GG.

So anyways they do the dirty and cause a big scandal six weeks later when mom is puking her guts up and discovers that yes Virginia you can get pregnant your first time. Mom's parents both died when she was seven so GG's the closest thing she has to a mother figure and can only imagine how hard it was for her to tell GG. My uncle Jason wanted to tan dad's hide (he's five years older than mom and super protective of both of us). Dad's parents weren't all that pleased either, I mean after all what parent wants to hear that their thirteen year old son is going to be a dad? But Isa and Ric (Isabelle and Godric Northman for those playing at home) came around after GG talked to them. The town as a whole…not so much.

Now even at the tender age of thirteen dad was a rising football star which pretty much made you God in Bon Temps so he didn't suffer too much angst from the townsfolk. Mom on the other hand was vilified as a little slut in the making and lost almost all of her friends, got to love gender inequality. But as my Aunt Lafayette says "Fuck all dem bitches!" He and his cousin Tara were the only friends that stuck with mom in early stages of her pregnancy.

It was agreed that mom and dad were way too young to get married and that sense neither of my parents were old enough or had enough education to support a baby on their own mom and the baby would live GG with dad helping with the day to day stuff after school. The financial obligations of a child (diapers, clothes, food, school fees ect…) would be split fifty, fifty until I graduated college (GG wasn't all that well off and dad's parents are loaded but GG would rather eat glass than accept a cent of charity even if it was mostly for me). It's a weird arrangement but it worked for me my whole childhood and when mom started working for Sam Merlotte as a waitress when I was three the odd family unit grew.

Now you're probably wondering how all of this relates to my dad's douche-canoeness so I'll tell you. Even though I had a solid extended family unit around me growing up, my parents weren't exactly the most emotionally stable individuals. I imagine have a kid right as you hit puberty probably doesn't help. They are the textbook definition of can't live with you can't live without you. When they reached high school they were constantly breaking up and making up. Every Saturday night they were either doing everything in their power to give me a little sibling or having a screaming match that would make banshee's head ache.

It didn't help matters that my dad had grown into a cocky asshat who was way too good looking and charming for his own good or that my mom had some seriously deep rooted insecurities and is the most hard headed, stubborn person I know. College didn't help their situation at all. It was pretty much their high school shit on steroids plus long distance, plus a bigger pool of willing women, plus the added pressure of media scrutiny. A college football prodigy with a kid in elementary school was quite the juicy scandal but when the worldwide media discovered that his baby mama was completely uninterested in selling him out the story died.

They finally broke up "for real" right before my dad got drafted into the NFL. The distance, the woman, and their own internal issues finally became too much. The thing is I know for a fact that my parents are still deeply in love with each other, and no it's not the optimistic child wanting my happily-ever-after I just know my parents. Their stubborn and arrogant and afraid of committing themselves to the one thing that could make them truly great or crush them like insects. So instead of talking to each other rationally and taking that risk my mom got engaged to the King Creeper of the South, William T Compton and my dad fucks any pretty girl that bats her eyelashes at him.

Now don't get me wrong, neither of them ever let their personal clusterfuck affect how they raised me. I'm probably the one thing they never argued about and those epic screaming matches were never done in front of me, but I'm a pretty smart cookie so it didn't take me long to realize my parents' relationship was a little abnormal. Even now that I'm grown (mostly) and they're busy with their shit I could still call either one of them and they'd be by my side in a heartbeat. And actually their angst was good for me in a weird way.

See along with my auburn hair I also got the random gene that included a decent amount of musical talent (trust on this, you don't want to hear either of parents singing). GG got me a guitar when I was seven since I was always humming and thumping on things to my own rhythm and everything fell into place. As soon as I could write I was writing songs about my parents' teenage angst and putting them to melodies I had made up on my guitar. Not that my mom or dad know most of my songs are about them…that would probably be super awkward.

When I turned ten Isa started entering me in local talent competitions but it was when I turned fourteen that my whole world changed. You see my mom apparently didn't have the monopoly on family scandal. After winning the local Louisiana version of American Idol GG pulled me aside and introduced me to a man named Fintan Brigant. He was the CEO of Brigant Records, the biggest label in the world and apparently he was also GG's baby daddy.

Yeah, my family has some serious issues when it comes to in-the-bedroom relationships. GG's husband couldn't give her kids so when Fin's (as he told me to call him) car broke down while G-Pop was away GG had a bit more incentive to succumb to his amorous advances. So my grandpa Corbett and my great aunt Linda were Brigants, not Stackhouses. Not that anyone but GG and Fin knew that, not even my mom knows.

Fin was impressed with my talent (which apparently along with my red hair and freckles I got from his side of the family) and wanted to sign me to his label. GG trusted him to make sure I wasn't led astray by the wild life of a rock star and since only three people in the whole world knew who he was to me that pesky nepotism label wouldn't apply. Three weeks later mom and GG took me to their Atlanta offices (so I could closer to dad to celebrate) where I auditioned for five of their eight heads of new talent. I sang Whitney Huston's "I Will Always Love You" for no other reason than I had a soft spot for The Bodyguard. I was hired on the spot and apparently one of the executives had filmed me and put it up on YouTube. In three days I had five million hits.

I moved to Atlanta the next month, and lived with dad while he trained with the Falcons. It was hard being away from mom and GG and everyone but it was still pretty cool spending so much uninterrupted time with dad. I'm pretty sure that was the only time since he'd lost his virginity that he'd remained mostly celibate. My first album took a year to record but it was worth it in the end. I was given complete creative freedom so a lot of the songs were cross-genre. It smashed about every record out there and won me three Grammys.

Ironically at the same time dad made the transition from celebrity to major celebrity. His shirtless endorsement ads may have had something to do with it but I digress. That's when Pam entered our lives. She's both of ours publicist and I wouldn't have it any other way. She kept the leeches away from me and is about as straight as a circle so dad has never had the chance to fuck her, or fuck her over. I've doing the juggling act of being a professional recording artist and a normal school kid ever sense and Pam's been good with helping me balance. She also keeps dad on the straight and narrow…mostly.

Anyways remember how I mentioned my mom was engaged? Yeah I hate the guy but I've learned that the less I interfere in my parents' personal lives the less therapy I'll need. Remember how I told you my parents have a fucked up personal history? And how my dad is the most stubborn and competitive douche-canoe ever? Did I also mention that my mom seems incapable of saying "no" to his, ahem…charms for long? I did? Well good, that'll make it a lot easier to explain how my dad is now starring daggers at my mom's fiancé…at the altar….in the middle of what was supposed to be her wedding.

Yeah…

AN: Hey guys. So sorry if this was a little rough but I thought this would make a fun story. Let me know what you think and all that but be warned, I don't write lemons, like at all. It's not my thing and I'm not very good at it and if you've ever been on this site then you know that there is nothing worse than a poorly written lemon :D. I am planning on switching POVs throughout but I think I'll mostly be using Selah's. If you have a request POV let me know. This will be a mix of SVM and True Blood characters and characterization and I probably will be using some song lyrics SPARINGLY. They annoy me in fics but I do feel the right song can set the right tone for a chapter. Anyways let know what you think!