Author's note: Started writing this after a friend lent me Fifty Shades (which, of course, I devoured overnight) and I couldn't get my hands on the next two books for a while. Have now read all three and am a little uncomfortable with a couple of too-close similarities and errors that I unwittingly committed. But have decided to leave them in. If you want more, let me know. I write for me, but I post for you.

Oh, this chapter is really rated T. But the rest, in-progress story is definitely MA.

On the Rocks: Chapter One

It's been three weeks since she left him; three weeks of struggling through each day as if she actually has the will to do so, then crying herself to sleep every night and enduring dreams in which her tortured psyche reminds her what she's missing, only to wake just before release, gasping and soaked in sweat and then curl up in a fetal position to begin her grieving anew.

Terrified, at first, that he wouldn't be able to let her go, Ana is now becoming convinced that she'll never see Christian Grey again. After all, it's not like they move in the same social circles. Their meeting was an accident, their relationship devastating, in every sense of the word, and it's ending perhaps inevitable.

Incredible then, that the very morning Ana again wipes her tears from her face and finally resolves to get on with her life, she answers the doorbell to see Taylor standing there. Too shocked to speak, only her eyes manage to function as they eagerly scan for any sign of Christian. With obvious sincerity and evident regret, Taylor reveals, "I'm alone, ma'am." And then he holds out a manila envelope and says, "From Mr. Grey, ma'am. He asks that you be kind enough to read it and let him know if it meets with your approval. I'm to wait, in case you have any immediate response."

Still too shocked to say anything, Ana takes the envelope with only slightly trembling fingers and, knowing who drafted it, automatically clutches it to her chest. When the ability to function reaches her vocal cords, she manages to say, "Thank you, Taylor."

"You're welcome, Miss Steele."

Ana's hands are poised to open the envelope when she can no longer stop herself from asking, "How is he?"

The flicker of pain on Taylor's usually inscrutable face is answer enough and Ana's heart almost rips open when he sadly shakes his head and says, "Not well." After a moment's hesitation, he asks, "May I speak, ma'am?"

Terrified of what he might say, Ana nevertheless trusts the man's compassion enough to say, "Please."

After another moment choosing his words, Taylor says, "He's not coping. But he will recover. I know what…loyalty Mr. Grey inspires in those close to him. But you need…forgive my bluntness, but you need to make sure that any decision you make is yours alone, or you'll end up leaving him again and I'm not sure…I don't think he'd recover a second time."

It's more words than he's ever said to her before; more than Ana thought he was capable of and she swallows her surprise before saying, "I always make my own decisions. That's part of the problem; he wants to make them for me. I can't live like that." With a small shrug and a sad smile, she concludes, "And he can't live without it."

His voice kind, Taylor says, "I think he would consider it, for you." Ana is still reeling from this declaration by a man who knows Christian very well when Taylor continues, "The trouble is that he's never been in love before, so…"

Ana can't let that lie stand and interrupts with, "He's not in love with me."

Taylor's smile is close to Christian's; the one that hints at secrets, when he insists, "Whether or not he knows it, he does love you…or as close to it as I've ever seen in him, anyway. And it terrifies him. So he's perhaps holding the reins a little tighter than usual." This choice of words reminds Ana of the other reasons why it could never work with Christian; the reasons that required her signing a NDA, and she can't help a smile at the comparison. With a small smile of his own, revealing that he does in fact know his boss very well, Taylor continues, "But he really did try to be what you need. I've never known him to even make an effort with anyone else."

When he doesn't continue, Ana nods her acceptance of his words, then smiles and says, "He wouldn't approve of you telling me this."

Taylor mirrors her smile and says, "Not at all, ma'am. So it's just as well that you'll never mention it to him."

With only a nod to seal their conspiracy, Ana then finds the strength to open the envelope. As expected, it's another contract, proving that Christian's definition of "more" is still very far removed from hers. With a sad sigh, Ana turns over the title page, determined to at least read what he's bothered to write. When the next page is blank, she assumes it's a mistake and turns another page. It, too, is blank…they're all blank, except for the last page that contains only Christian's signature. Unshed tears already stinging her eyes, Ana holds out the pages for Taylor to read and says, "What am I going to do with him?"

Taylor takes a few seconds to scan the "contract" and then offers a wry grin before saying, "It would appear, ma'am, whatever you wish."

The tears fall as Ana says, "Except that he doesn't really mean it."

His tone clearly chastising, Taylor insists, "In all the time I've known Mr. Grey, he's never put his signature to anything that he hasn't seriously considered, and I've never known him to break a contract…of any sort." He gives Ana a moment to dry her eyes and compose herself, then asks, "Any answer, ma'am?"

Ana considers his words and then says, "Please thank him and tell him that he's given me a lot to think about."

For a moment, Taylor's mask of stoicism slips enough to express disappointment, but he merely bows slightly and says, "Yes, Miss Steele."

He's already turning to leave when Ana's will fails her and she whispers, "And that I miss him."

Taylor has heard her plea and turns back to offer a huge smile before saying, "Yes, ma'am."

Two days later, after countless more tears and too many hours spent staring at the "contract", Ana is no closer to a decision. She desperately want to discuss it with Christian, but knows only too well that there's no way she'd be able to make a rational decision if she puts herself back under his influence, and irrational decisions is what got her into this mess in the first place. Instead, she decides to sleep on it one more night, vowing to contact him with her decision tomorrow.

The next morning is Saturday. Kate is yet again spending the weekend at Elliot's and, not for the first time, Ana feels a slight pang of jealousy that her best friend has fallen for the Grey who is easy to love. She's trying to find the will to eat when the doorbell chimes. Ana checks the peephole and her legs almost fail her; positioned where she'll see him, Christian is on his knees in the submissive posture, dressed only in jeans, his shoes and t-shirt stowed neatly nearby.

After leaning against the door, until the trembling subsides, Ana looks again to see that he's still there; head bowed and hands resting on his thighs. Shocked that he would go to such lengths just to win her back, Ana is forced to acknowledge a small thrill that the guy who needs to control everything appears willing to give up all control and the wickedest part of her wonders how far she can take it before he breaks. But then she notices that he's lost weight and recalls Taylor's sad admission that Christian isn't coping well without her, so she resolves to remain worthy of such a display of trust.

When Ana opens the door, she sees Christian tense at the sound, his fingers digging into his thighs, but he doesn't look up. Remembering what it's like to be in his position, Ana approaches close enough that he can be reassured by the sight of her bare feet and is impressed by her self-assured tone when she says, "What are you doing here, Christian?" When he ignores her, she's at first confused and then curses her stupidity before saying, "You may speak to answer my questions."

Christian's shoulders sag in relief and, eyes still downcast, he says, "Trying, Miss Steele."

After a moment to recover from the shock of hearing his lovely voice, Ana says, "Yes, you're very trying, Mr. Grey." She watches him relax even further and the ghost of a smile appears on his lips before Christian banishes it and waits for her next move. Though Christian's car is not visible from where they are, Ana makes an intuitive leap and calls out, "Taylor!"

As if by magic, the man in question appears and nervously says, "Yes, Miss Steele?"

Ana can practically feel Christian's dismay that his gambit has apparently failed, so she doesn't hesitate to tell Taylor, "He'll call you when we're done."

Taylor manages to keep his delight from everything but his eyes when he bows and says, "Yes, ma'am."

After the chauffer/personal shopper/whatever-else-Christian-needs is gone, Ana considers how best to proceed without torturing Christian too much, whilst being careful to remain detached enough to make the right decision for both of them. Eventually, she says, "Don't look at me unless I request it and don't move until I command it. If you break the rules, I'll go inside and you'll never see me again. Do you understand?"

Christian tenses again and audibly swallows, then succinctly declares, "Yes, Miss Steele."

Satisfied that he believes her, Ana says, "Am I to understand, from the terms of the new contract, that I'm now in charge?"

Without hesitation, Christian says, "Yes, ma'am." And then he pushes the rules enough to add, "As always."

Ana is reminded yet again of her mother's advice; that men are literal creatures and then recalls Christian's insistence that, despite appearances, the Sub is also in control. Thinking back over their short time together, she's forced to admit that anything unpleasant she endured at Christian's hands could have been halted or prevented by one word from her.

Ana only realizes how long she's been standing there, lost in thought, when Christian tries to surreptitiously ease his cramped muscles. So she smiles and says, "Have you been neglecting your physical fitness, Mr. Grey?"

Startled at being caught out, Christian then relaxes at her playful tone and ruefully confesses, "I've been neglecting everything, Miss Steele."

Suddenly very glad that she insisted he doesn't look at her, Ana struggles for a few seconds to keep from weeping at the pain in Christian's voice. When her emotions are once more under her tenuous control, Ana realizes something is amiss and says, "Why did you leave your jeans on?"

Squirming and blushing, Christian confesses, "I, uh, dressed in such a hurry that I forgot underwear and decided that your front stoop is too public a venue for naked supplication."

Now struggling not to laugh, Ana says, "And if I asked you to remove them?"

Her teasing backfires when Christian, lust practically dripping from his voice, declares, "I sincerely hope you do, Miss Steele."

Gasping at the strength of her sudden need for him, Ana feels her control rapidly evaporating. After a moment to calm her suddenly erratic breathing, she manages to instill authority into her voice and says, "Have you forgotten the rules already, Mr. Grey?"

Christian tenses at her harsh tone and straightens his posture as he says, "No, Miss Steele."

Confident that he'll now behave himself, Ana decides that it's cards-on-the-table time and says, "I'm going inside for a minute, but I'll be back, okay?"

Christian's sudden fear is palpable, but he only says, "Yes, Miss Steele."

Ana retrieves the "contract" from her bedroom. Before returning to Christian, she can't help another peek to see if he's remaining in character. Sure enough, he's exactly where she left him; Mr. Control Freak is on his knees, ready to try anything she wishes rather than live without her. And it occurs to Ana that, if this isn't love, it's pretty damn close.

After giving herself time to recover from his revelation, Ana leaves the house and once again stands where Christian can see her feet. She then glances over her notes, hastily scrawled down on the blank pages sometime around 3am last night and says, "If I come back, and I haven't yet decided, the terms of our original, revised contract would stand, along with a few changes." Despite the fact that she can't see his face, Christian's sudden, rapt attention is almost tangible, so Ana knows that he's genuinely interested in what she has to say, and she plunges in with the scariest issues when she continues, "If we get back together, I would continue to defy you, because I can't be someone I'm not. And, when you feel that I've committed a transgression, you'd punish me, because you can't be someone you're not. But never with anything harsher than your hand." Ana's heart is in her throat when she then asks, "Do you agree to this?"

As if he'd only been waiting for permission to speak, Christian says, with obvious relief, "Wholeheartedly, Miss Steele."

At first concerned that his reply was a little too quick, Ana then realizes that, just like her, Christian has probably spent the past few weeks thinking about what went wrong and how to make it right. Now satisfied that Christian means exactly what he said, she moves on, saying, "The three weekends out of four at your place would stand, as would the substitute Wednesday on the off-week. But it would be here and we would have vanilla sex before sleeping together in my bed overnight. Agreed?"

Again, Christian doesn't hesitate and answers, "Agreed, Miss Steele."

Beginning to enjoy herself, Ana says, "My continued obedience in the playroom would continue, with the following amendments; you may, at any time, use the word 'playtime' and I will cede control until you release me." Christian's sudden, shocked gasp confirms that she's has managed to surprise him yet again. Ana can practically hear his brilliant mind working as he considers the possibilities of such a concession on her part. When, after several seconds, it's obvious that he wants to say something, Ana says, "You may speak to ask for clarification of my conditions."

With an audible sigh of relief, Christian says, "Any time, Miss Steele?"

Smiling at his eager tone, Ana confirms, "Any time, Mr. Grey."

When Christian again looks like he want to say something, Ana realizes that she's already tiring of her role as Dom and wearily says, "Just talk to me, Christian."

Christian almost looks at her then, but remembers his place and prompts, "The other amendments, Miss Steele?"

"Just one; in the playroom, and during playtime, there would be no limits other than those you choose."

Sounding almost like his old, bossy self, Christian says, "The limits are there for you protection, Miss Steele. Without them there's a risk that I'd push you too far and really hurt you…again."

Though he can't see the gesture, Ana shakes her head and says, "You won't."

Only when she notices her slip from conditional tense does Ana realize that she's made her decision. It's obvious that Christian has noticed it too, because he's actually trembling in anticipation of what might happen next when he says, "Thank you, Miss Steele."

Suddenly, Ana needs to touch him. Mindful of Christian's own limits, she says, "The first safe word and its purpose?"

Clearly confused, Christian says, "Yellow; so that you'll know when it's becoming too intense."

"Second safe word and purpose?"

Now sounding confused and afraid, Christian says, "Red; to let you know when something is beyond my endurance."

Ana moves to stand behind him. As she does so, Christian's head turns to follow the movement. But he chooses trust once again and quickly returns his gaze to the front. Now that his trembling has subsided, the only evidence that Christian is struggling to cope with the role reversal is the fact that his hands, still splayed across his thighs, are white from clutching his legs. So Ana decides to make the exercise as quick and painless as possible. At the same time, she's still convinced that Christian is mistaken about knowing his limits and knows that this might be her one and only opportunity to test her theory. So, once she's standing behind him, her voice is clear and confident when she says, "I'm going to touch you now."

Despite her convictions, Ana almost changes her mind when a shudder of revulsion ripples across Christian's bare shoulders. But he says nothing, only nodding that he's understood, so she eases into it by first stretching out one trembling hand to run her fingers through his hair. After so long without him, just that contact alone is almost enough to bring her to climax and Ana wonders if her own, lusty limits will let her conclude the lesson. For his part, Christian manages to control his reactions. Reassured that he's okay, Ana says, "Unless you stop me, I'm going to touch your shoulders now."

Other than another shudder of disgust or fear at the idea, Christian's only response is a tremulous, "Yes, Miss Steele."

Deeply moved by his continued display of unadulterated trust, Ana's voice is a little unsteady when she says, "Christian, this is by far the sexiest thing you've ever done for me."

Though she can't see his face, Ana can hear the smile in his voice when Christian says, "And now you begin to understand."

Though he can't see it, Ana answers with a smile of her own and then lays her hands, feather-light, on both his shoulders. Without knowing the details, she understands that it's the little boy in him that makes Christian gasp and start trembling anew. Only then does she notice the few scars on his back, similar to those on his chest and gains another, shocking insight into why being touched fills Christian with dread. Suddenly feeling physically ill at putting him through such an ordeal, even though she believes it to be for his own good, Ana has a moment of clarity and says, "Did you feel sick when you realized how much you'd hurt me…after the beating?"

With her hands on him, Ana can both see and feel Christian's relief at her empathy and gasps, "Yes…yes, Miss Steele."

Keeping her hands immobile on his shoulders, Ana gives them both a few seconds to recover, until even the little boy relaxes and Christian stops trembling. And then she says, "I'm going to slide my hands down to your chest now. Why am I doing this?"

After thinking about it, Christian haltingly says, "Because…even though you gave your permission, I breached the terms of our informal contract by using the belt when I suspected it would prove more than you could endure."

Pleased to hear him admit his role in the dissolution of trust between them, Ana says, "This isn't punishment, Christian. Try again. Why am I doing this?"

Christian shakes his head a little in confusion and is quiet for several seconds before confessing, "I…I'm sorry, Miss Steele. I have no idea."

Ana smiles and says, "I don't know what you're paying that shrink, but it's too much." Hoping to distract him with her voice, Ana slides her hands to his chest as she explains, "I'm doing this because, in your own words, you're fifty shades of fucked-up and you need to lose a few or we don't stand a chance, okay?"

Still unable to stop his skin from twitching under her touch, Christian makes no move to stop her caress and breathlessly agrees, "Yes, Miss Steele."

Standing behind him, stooped slightly to gently rest her hands on his chest, Ana ponders how best to distract Christian from his abhorrence of being touched and says, "I've got a few more conditions to discuss with you, but do you have any questions so far?"

Christian hesitates before asking, "Have you…been with anyone else since you left?"

Ana smiles and says, "I give you permission to ask me anything and that's what you want to know?"

Reassured by her tone, Christian shrugs and says, "Fifty shades."

Ana chuckles and then notices that Christian's skin has finally relaxed as she says, "No, Mr. Grey, you're the only man I'll ever have sex with; vanilla or any other flavor."

Suddenly, Ana is in his lap, stunned at how fast and strong he is, despite having seen evidence of it before today. Christian's face is nestled against her neck and he's murmuring her name over and over, even as one hand works at removing her pajamas. Before her body's response to his wrenches all control from her, Ana manages to exclaim, "No!"

Christian's response isn't quite immediate, but it's pretty close and he lifts his head to look at her, pain and confusion all over his beautiful face as he breathlessly says, "But…you just said…Ana, please."

Despite the fact that she has to clench her fists to keep from replying in kind to his affection, Ana's will remembers what's at stake and she simply repeats, "No."

Shocked at her defiance, Christian releases Ana, even helping her to stand, though he stays on his knees and then rather formally says, "I apologize, Miss Steele, I misunderstood. It won't happen again."

Even though she somehow found the strength to resist him, Ana knows that she couldn't do it twice, and they haven't really resolved anything. So she heads for her door as she says, "You're not ready, Christian. We'll continue this conversation via email."

As she walks away, Christian's voice is strained when he again pleads, "Ana, please."

Far enough from him to again think clearly, Ana is now certain that she's doing the right thing and says, "Go home, Christian. I'll talk to you soon."

Ana's hand is on the door when, sounding as if it's literally being torn from him, Christian cries out, "Red!"

Shocked that he would so readily admit defeat, Ana turns to see that Christian's head is bowed down almost to his knees as he murmurs, "Red…red."

Unable to tolerate being the cause of such suffering, Ana almost goes to him then. But she remembers Taylor's caution and knows that she has to get this right if she and Christian are to have any future together. So she tenderly says, "Look at me."

Obviously surprised that she hasn't again fled from him, Christian's head snaps up and he now really does look like a little boy as he offers a small, grateful smile and says, "Yes, Miss Steele."

Not brave enough to approach him, because not even Ana is strong enough to withstand that boyish grin, she stays put and says, in awe, "You didn't use the safe word even when I touched your chest."

Though it wasn't really a question, Christian says, "No, Miss Steele."

Finally unable to stop herself from moving a little closer, Ana takes two steps towards him and frowns slightly in confusion as she says, "But…Christian, you hate being touched."

Christian breathes a sigh of relief that she understands that much and then says, "Yes, Miss Steele."

Ana considers for a moment and then says, "So…the only thing you cannot endure is not being with me?"

Christian frowns in confusion and says, "I thought I'd made that very clear, Miss Steele."

Ana thinks back over everything that's happened since she literally fell at his feet and soon realizes that, in fact, Christian has repeatedly expressed his need for her. But, given his appetite for sex, she'd assumed it was merely a physical need. So she smiles and says, "Yes, I guess you have." With a long sigh, releasing all her mistrust of him, Ana gestures to the papers where she dropped them on the ground and orders, "Look them over and tell me if you have a problem with anything there."

Without standing, Christian does as bid and, only seconds later, looks up and says, "I agree, in principal, to all your terms."

Suspicious of how quickly he scanned the pages, and wary of his phrasing, Ana says, "In principal?"

Christian dares a smile and says, "Your fifth clause states that I'm to stop buying first class tickets for you. I'm content to concede that when you're travelling alone. But I hope you don't expect me to travel coach, just because you have a problem with me spending money on you?"

Confused, Ana says, "We're going to travel together?"

With genuine affection, Christian says, "Oh, Anastasia, I'm going to show you the world."

Ana tries to stop her reaction to those words in that tone of voice, but her body betrays her and the unmistakable signs of arousal put a smug smile on Christian's face. Blushing and struggling to maintain some semblance of calm, Ana says, "Anything else?"

Trying, and failing, to keep the smirk from his face, Christian says, "Your eighth clause states that I'm to allow you an occasional weekend away from me for family functions. I'm okay with that, in principal, but I'd rather come with you; not for stalking purposes, rather because I like your parents and would enjoy getting to know them better."

Now it's Ana's turn to be shocked and her mouth drops open for a second before she recovers and says, "You like my family?"

A little confused, Christian smiles slightly and says, "Of course. Didn't it seem like I enjoyed their company?"

Still reeling a little, Ana says, "Well, yes. But…I thought that was just an act?"

More amused than offended, Christian smiles and says, "And haven't I repeatedly stressed the importance of honesty in our relationship?"

Of course, he's right again and Ana smiles before admitting, "Yes, you have." Finally convinced that maybe they have a chance after all, Ana says, "So, you're not wearing boxers?"

Without knowing why she's asking, Christian's eyes nevertheless gleam with ardent pleasure at the sudden change in topic and his voice is rich with desire as he replies, "No, Miss Steele, no boxers."

Satisfied that she has a sufficient head start, Ana pulls down the waistband of her pajamas enough to reveal that she's wearing a borrowed pair of his Calvin Kleins and says, "If you catch me before I get to my bedroom, you can have these back." Ana waits long enough for his eyes to darken with desire as comprehension sinks in, and then she takes off running as Christian springs to his feet.

In fact, despite having been on his knees for almost an hour, Christian catches Ana before she gets three strides inside her apartment, knocking the wind out of her as he tackles her to the floor. Having somehow managed to control their fall enough that Ana lands on top of him, Christian still frowns in concern and says, "You okay?"

With the smile that only Christian has ever seen, Ana says, "I am now." And then, when Christian's entire face expresses his joy at having her back in his arms, she marvels at her own strength; that she could have lived without seeing that dazzling smile for three whole weeks.