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Falling from Pedestals

Chapter 10

Reid paced, a caged animal in a prison of his own making. Granted the carpeted floor and luxurious decor was nothing close to the border town jail cell he had once spent several hours. There was no piss bucket in the corner for one, no psychotic cellmate threatening to rip him apart in various, inventive and horrifying ways. It was nothing remotely similar to the six hours he'd spent in a state of suspended terror, sweaty, rank, coming down off an epic drug binge. It was an experience, which should have been enough to drive a regular man straight. Instead, the first thing Reid had done after he got out was raid his hotel room for his stash and get the hell out of the small town that hugged the Rio Grande.

Thinking of dilaudid again made his gums itch and his hands shake, cravings crawling up and down his spine. Little clear vials danced before his vision, absolution in glass. Just one hit and he could be someone else for a couple of hours. Not a lot. Just enough to walk down the stairs, enough to get through the long weekend. Enough for him to be able to look Derek in the eye and pretend that he didn't know about Greg; didn't know about Reid selling his body to the highest bidder.

He swallowed, a rough strangled sound. The past few days had been pretty easy on him. A lifetime of burying his head in the sand was practically second nature at this point and Derek being called out on a case almost as soon as they got back to his home gave his delusion form. Form that shattered the moment Morgan returned about 4am the previous night.

It had been the squeak of his bedroom door that yanked Reid out of deep restful sleep; his limbs seizing up in fear until the subtle whiff of Morgan's cologne reached him. Keeping his eyes closed and his breathing even, he'd tracked his ex's progress around the room. Followed the rustle of bedclothes as the older man adjusted Daisy's comforter and stood motionless by Reid's bedside for what felt like hours. If he'd been braver, he would have flipped the covers open, taken his hand and dragged him down to the sheets. He would have wrapped himself around him; kissed the deep furrows in his brow that he had after every case and told him he wasn't alone. Everything he did mattered; to the victims he saved, to Reid. He made a difference every single day.

Instead he cowered beneath the comforter like the sniveling little coward that he was until Morgan left, slipping silently out the door just as his stupid tears began to fall. God, since he'd run into Derek again he felt exposed, heart and soul scraped raw, he cried at the drop of a freaking hat. Reid thought he'd mourned Derek's loss ten years ago but his body still wrung itself inside out, at his presence and his absence. Derek should have been his. Should have. He wasn't. That nagging thought hammered at his heart, regret soaking his pillow keeping the Sandman at bay. One thing was for sure; he had to get out of Morgan's house before he started thinking of it as home.

He couldn't hide out forever.

Scooping Daisy out of her crib, Reid made his way down the stairs. His feet dragged encased in lead, every forward step taking momentous effort. An extra squirmy Daisy, wriggled on his shoulder straining to get to the floor. Adjusting her easily every couple of feet in anticipation of her lunges, he half listened to her childish babble. Usually he'd be talking back pretending they were in the middle of a scintillating conversation but he was too aware of how much closer he was getting to the kitchen and the rattle of utensils. Taking a deep breath he edged sideways, his head dipped, shoulders hunched, muffling the good morning he uttered.

"Morning" Morgan replied.

Reid's eyes shot up meeting his briefly. The slight hesitance that he hoped they'd overcome over the past month was back. Placing Daisy in the high chair, he fussed with her bib focusing on her so completely that he could almost believe he'd forced Morgan out of his head. Except his body knew exactly where he was and he gave a deceptive start as Morgan appeared beside him, a bright green plastic bowl filled with scrambled eggs in one hand.

"Don't worry. It's just the yolks." He said. "I'm not sure if she's old enough for whites so I just went with the safe choice."

"Um…thank you." Reid automatically took it from him as Daisy's chubby fists stretched towards her breakfast. "How did you know about the eggs?"

"I read up on it online." Morgan explained then gave him a sheepish shrug. "It was a long flight."

Derek's about face regarding his daughter was a little unsettling - in a good way - but mostly it was really amusing. Even now when he looked at her stab herself in the cheek with the plastic spoon he seemed kind of shell-shocked like he couldn't quite believe she was real. Reid's chuckle didn't sound forced at all. "You decided to read up on how to feed a baby? Was all the porn down? Did the internet crash while I was recycling diapers?"

"Hey, look who found his funny bone." Morgan teased, his soft gaze falling on Reid.

Shying away Reid wrestled the spoon from the determined toddler. He could almost imagine that that look was for him. It wasn't. Daisy inevitably had that effect on everyone, she had an uncanny ability to worm her way below the skin and cleave to your heart. It was pure Lily incarnate. Nothing at all like him. He took awhile to get to know, a while to like, a long while to love.

He gave up trying to feed Daisy since she was digging in the bowl by herself getting more egg on the table than in her mouth. Forcing nonchalance, he snickered. "Bone."

"Ten years ago you couldn't have said the word porn or bone without stammering and flaming red." Morgan tossed back.

"You were looking at enough porn for both for us." He quipped. Taking the chair across from Morgan, he laughed enjoying his discomfort. While he'd been expecting doom and gloom, finding himself in a non-stress, low expectation situation was nice. Under the laughter it was obvious that they were both trying too hard to be okay but at least they were trying.

"How the hell would you know that?"

"Well, you left your laptop unattended on several occasions."

"You didn't."

"I did." Reid confessed. "I couldn't resist. Your password was password. You were just begging to get hacked."

Morgan tsked. "You little liar! All this time and the sweet innocent thing was just an act. If I could figure out how to feed you too, I'd shove this –" He pushed the small bowl of pureed peaches in front of Reid. "- Down your throat."

Reid flushed trying not to think of all the things he'd rather Morgan shoved down his throat. There was a flicker of something between them…probably wishful thinking on his part. He'd already proven that he had quite the imagination when it came to Morgan. Changing the subject before he offered himself to Morgan and got rejected again he said as he replaced the decimated eggs with peaches. "The thought of begging for my job back has robbed me of my appetite."

"You're going back to the coffee shop?" Morgan's eyes penetrated his. Reid could almost feel his will reach across the table and demand he apply for a white-collar job. Surprisingly he held his tongue. That was only one of many things about him that had changed over time. Ten years ago he would have expected unquestioning obedience, not in a way that was forceful or threatening. It was just the way he was, strong-willed, assertive, stubbornly protective of those he loved.

"If they'll have me." Chances are Reid would not get that job back. After a day as the worst employee ever, he had disappeared in the middle of the day and was returning almost a week later. There's no way he was getting rehired but maybe he was owed some compensation for the hours he had worked. He waited for Morgan's inevitable protest and was a little disappointed when he merely nodded. It wouldn't have changed his decision but he would have felt like he still mattered to him.

Getting up he cleared the table, taking Daisy upstairs for a quick wipe down. He ignored the malicious voice that insisted that if Morgan still cared anything about him he would still be fighting for him to change. Seems the revelation of his whoring ways had snuffed out the last little part of Derek that clung to the life they used to have. He was maneuvering the stroller out the door when Morgan once again popped up besides him, this time startling him for real. Maybe…Idiot! He smothered the tiny flicker of hope before it could fully form. "Do you need something from the store or whatever? I could swing by on the way back."

"I could…uh" Morgan floundered a bit then gestured at the stroller. "I could watch her."

"What?" Reid asked, more to buy time than anything else. He never left Daisy with anyone lightly. Ivy was her family and even then he only left her behind because he was desperate. Leaving her at daycare had been hard on him but he had checked Austin's credentials, she was certified to handle children. Morgan was…Morgan.

"It's cool." The other man backed off, shuttering. "I just thought I could help you out. There's no need for you to tote her around all day when I'm right here."

"It's not that I don't want to leave her with you…but taking care of kids isn't really your thing." Reid rushed to explain. "I mean y-you used to hunt your sister with a BB gun."

"God, Desiree loves to tell that story." Morgan protested. "I was eight and it wasn't a BB gun. It shot soft yellow balls. Yes, she may have been my first unsub but I was eight and she was sneaky."

"You really want to do this?" Reid asked incredulous. Daisy was at a super fun stage; she had a five-minute attention span, threw everything and she was going through diapers like a herd of Rhinos. These were game changing bits of information that he kept to himself because if Morgan wanted to do this, it meant something. Right?

"Yes. I mean we all live here together like a…fucked up family." He shrugged. "Just because we are having some growing pains, doesn't mean I don't still care what happens to you or her."

With single-minded intensity, Reid zeroed in on the 'family' willfully ignoring the 'fucked up'. Past resolve flying out the window, he yo-yoed between elation and worry as he laid out Daisy's schedule for Morgan and made him repeat it back to him as well as all the pediatrician's home phone numbers that lived in a twenty mile radius.

"Spencer, I know 911. It is all I need." Morgan shoved him out the door ripping the binky out of his left hand and replacing it with his car keys. Reid dithered on the stoop for a further ten minutes, flip-flopping on his decision before taking a leap of faith and heading for the parked SUV.