"I still don't understand how they got away." Jasper complained, frustrated. Everyone looked sympathetic and confused.
"It's a stumper." Bella agreed.
"You think everything's a stumper." Rosalie snapped waspishly. "You're a moron."
Bella's lower lip wobbled. Edward was about to leap to her defence, again, when she surprised the assembled vampires by snapping back.
"At least I wasn't invited to join the Dumb Blonds Club."
Jasper perked up at the mention of his club. "We're thinking of changing the name to 'The Club For Blonds Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too'."
Alice groaned pitifully. "Make it stop. I just lost my beret. I can't deal with Blond Jasper on top of everything."
"I still don't understand how they got away." Emmett complained, returning the conversation to its roots.
"They got away in a stolen Hostess truck." Carlisle remarked casually. He was lounged on the couch, had borrowed Esme's laptop and was scrolling through his News Feed. "Finn Hudson made a status."
"Of course!" Edward exclaimed. "A Hostess truck!"
"It's so simple." Rosalie said in awe. Alice thumped the couch, punching a fist-shaped hole in the leather.
"We should've known!" She wailed.
Esme looked at Carlisle. "Why are you friends with Finn Hudson on Facebook?"
"I'm friends with everyone on Facebook." He explained.
"He is." Agreed Edward. "I remember, in the years before he made you a vampire, when it was just the two of us, Carlisle used to say -"
"Edward, move on." Bella ordered angrily. "It's been eighty years. Carlisle's with Esme now. You need to build a bridge."
Edward looked astonished. "I didn't mean it like that!"
"Yes, you did." Chorused the Cullens. He threw his hands into the air.
"Does anyone believe I'm not gay anymore?!"
"Do you believe that anymore?" Emmett asked sagely. His wise demeanour was slightly marred by the brightly coloured Finnward t-shirt he was wearing.
"Oh my God!" Carlisle exclaimed loudly, breaking a rather tense silence. "Look a this vid Aro Volturi just uploaded!"
Everyone crowded around to watch the vid. Carlisle clicked play and -
Dramatic, melancholy organ music played. Thick fog from smoke machines gathered in hazy clouds across the screen. Slowly, familiar black-cloaked figures emerged from the mist. The Volturi stood sombrely for a moment.
Jack - Breach started playing out of nowhere.
"What the hell?" Rosalie muttered, brow furrowed.
As one, the Volturi shed their voluminous black cloaks to reveal hair bodysuits, and began wiggling and shaking to the music.
Bella's mouth fell open.
"Avert your eyes!" Edward shrieked, throwing himself to the ground behind the couch. He was ignored.
Onscreen, the Volturi began mumbling along to the song, some of them (Jane) extremely reluctantly. Felix kept tripping and crashing into Demetri. Aro led the singing enthusiastically.
"I WANT YOUR BODY, EVERYBODY WANTS YOUR BODY SO LET'S JACK!"
Carlisle giggled uncertainly. Esme pursed her lips.
"Well." She said. "God has truly forsaken us."
She then swept elegantly from the room.
"Their choreography is awful." Emmett agreed.
Jasper tilted his head, considering.
"Do you think Jane would join the Dumb
Blond's Club?" He asked unexpectedly. Everyone regarded Jane's murderous, pixelated expression.
"I don't really think so, Jazz." Bella told him gently. He nodded.
"What about Caius?"
"Him? Oh, definitely."
Jacob entered the choir room and was relieved to find it empty. He had much plotting to do. Sinister plotting. Full of dare and cunning. His diabolical plan to win Bella's heart was not progressing well, to say the least. It had begun to go wrong almost from the beginning - the part where she was supposed to swoon into his muscular arms the moment she saw him. That part had...well. To be blunt, that part just hadn't happened.
Jacob choked on a sob as he thought those words. What had gone wrong? What had gone wrong? This plan had been so well-laid, so meticulously thought-out.
And now here he was, Jacob thought sourly. About to lose to Cullen all over again. And to top it all off, he was beginning to suspect Cullen was gay. Absolutely flaming gay. His strongest evidence for that so far was a Finnward t-shirt. But his spidey-senses were a-tingle.
He took a large gulp of coffee. He was, after all, a Spanish teacher. He didn't speak a word of Spanish, beyond bonjour, but he was taking the 'teacher' part of his job very seriously. He had dutifully developed a caffeine addiction.
"Mr. Black?"
He jumped, splashing coffee all over his naked chest. The vampires have come for me, was his first thought. Then he noticed the person who had spoken, standing shyly beside the piano.
It's that girl, he realised. That blonde cheerleader one from glee club.
"What can I do for you?" He asked in his most professional voice. She blushed scarlet.
"Oh, lots of things." She purred.
"I should warn you," He said. "I don't know any Spanish whatsoever. So if it's about that homework, find someone else."
She sidled a little closer to him. "It's not about Spanish."
"Then fire away." He said moodily. She batted big, false-lashed eyes.
"It's about glee club. I want to do a duet."
She paused meaningfully.
"Whatever that is, you do that." Jacob really couldn't care less. This Glee Club thing was a means to an end.
"I meant," She said slowly. "I want to do a duet with you."
He looked straight at her. "I don't think that's a good idea, Quinn." Or is it Lynn? Finn? No, Finn was Edward's boyfriend. And he probably wasn't a cheerleader. Jacob presumed Edward was the more effeminate one in the relationship.
Something-inn gasped a little. "Why not?"
Er...Jacob had a feeling teachers weren't supposed to say 'I can't be bothered'.
"I can't tell you." He paraphrased, turning his face away from her. She clutched the piano for support.
"I - I have to go." He said softly. She sighed.
"Mr. Black - Jacob - "
He strode from the room. Brad looked over at Quinn, concerned. "Are you okay?"
"I think I just forgot how to breathe." She said dazedly.
Outside of the choir room, Jacob was accosted by another student.
"Mr. Black, would you mind just conjugating this verb?"
"I don't speak Spanish!" Jacob howled in frustration. "Find someone who does! Ask another student!"
The kid took a step back. "Like who?"
Jacob was suddenly overcome by emotion. "Who? Who? Edward 'Disco Ball' Cullen, that's who! He can do everything, can't he? He probably speaks perfect freaking Spanish! But you know something -" Jacob seized the student by his lapels. The kid - what was his name? Puckerman? - looked seriously freaked out.
"He'll never be able to love you like I can!" Jacob screamed. With that, he dropped Puckerman and ran from the school.