Chapter One: I have to Be Blaine Anderson

Don't you ever feel like there's just an uncomfortably large amount of future out there?

I mean, it's like… if the average life expectancy of a American male is 79, and I'm 21, then theoretically I still have 58 years left.

I have to be Blaine Anderson for another 58 years.

58 years is a long time to have to keep being someone you don't like very much.

And I really don't even know when it was that I stopped liking myself. There was a time when I thought I was just the greatest guy there was.

I keep getting told that being young is a blessing, but I notice that it's never young people who see it that way?

How are you supposed to feel blessed to be young when there is all of this heavy, overwhelming future looming over you? How am I supposed to fill up all of that future when I'm… me? I mean, just really honestly, I don't think I'm exciting enough to keep myself interested in 63 more years of life.

Then again, it's probably too soon to tell.

Then again, I'm probably being melodramatic.

I mean, obviously I'm being melodramatic. That's my thing. Angst is my thing. Which is probably why I've fucked up my life so much.

Actually, it's why I perceive my life as being fucked up when really it isn't at all.

Everything is changing today, and I should be excited. I have made an important choice, and it should feel like a step forward.

It is a step forward.

But somehow taking a step forward just reminds me of all of how much space there is in front of me—all of the other steps I'm going to have to take before I cross it all—and it's freaking me out.

Honestly, I'm not really as depressed as I sometimes try to convince myself I am. I'm leaving the city that broke me—New York—and I'm going somewhere that has the potential to heal me—Avonroy. I'm giving up on a dream I never really wanted—performing—and I'm chasing a dream that I don't really trust—writing. I'm making a change for the sake of change, and change has to be better than what life is now.

Because maybe once everything changes, I can find something to care about enough to distract myself from myself and all of this future.

Everything changes today, and if my head would just stop feeling wiggly for like thirty seconds, maybe I could figure out if I'm excited about change or it's just exhausting.

Author's Note:

This is an AU story in which Kurt never transferred to Dalton (Also a completely different universe from my fic All the Words We'd Sing)

Blaine and Kurt only ever knew each other as competitors in rival glee clubs. They had a few brief flirtations, but they never dated or got to know each other very well.

Now it's five years later-Blaine is 21 and Kurt is 22.

They've both been struggling to figure out what they want from the world, they've both experienced failure, and they're both in very different places than what they'd envisioned while in high school.

This story will explore (from Blaine's POV) what happens when they find themselves once again on parallel life paths-attending a remote fine arts college called Avonroy and trying to find faith in dreams they don't really understand.