Let me emphasize that this is firmly AU. Part of what I liked about Hitomi in the canon was that she didn't home in on the boy she had a crush on with no regard for the feelings of her friend who had a crush on him too, but neither did she simply just roll over and tell Sayaka "you can have him." Even if her attempt to take a third option caused a lot of problems, it was refreshing to see.

However, I find myself wondering what would have happened if what Hitomi had meant by her ultimatum was "You tell him how you feel or I will." In my honest opinion, not much would have changed plot-wise, but Hitomi's altered mentality seems interesting to explore, and I want to write how she got to be standing behind the stage while Kyousuke played the violin in episode 12.

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Bowing Out Gracefully

"Tomorrow, after school, I am going to confess to Kamijou-kun."

She remembers the look that had come over Sayaka's face then, the way her skin had slackened in astonishment and a film of horror had glazed her usually confident eyes. She'd already looked like she was going to cry when Hitomi had told her that she liked Kyousuke, but when Hitomi said that, such a tremor went through her friend that, for a moment, her resolve had wavered.

But only for a moment.

"Until then, you still have time to do something you won't regret. Like telling Kamijou-kun how you feel."

She had bowed and left after that—Hitomi suspected that, by that point, she had overstayed her welcome and that Sayaka would likely prefer to be left alone with her feelings. Yes, that conflicted, reddening sickness on her cheeks was a sure sign that she wanted to be left alone. So Hitomi left. They didn't speak again for the rest of the day.

It's been a long day, continuing far after the conclusion of the school day. Shizuki Hitomi lies awake in the dark. Her bedcovers are not pulled over her. She had not bothered to undress. The only concession to slumber has been the removal of her tights; Hitomi finds that her bare skin prickles and feels exposed, even naked, without them. The wind whispers lightly against her window. Her fingers curl around a clutched stretch of blanket, and Hitomi sighs, the whole room seemingly filled with the pulsating sound of her breath.

Suddenly, she finds that she is dreading tomorrow.

On any other day, any other day at all, the only reason Hitomi would be dreading the coming day would be if she had a test. Be it in any of her school classes (especially Science; it's such a struggle to remember all those formulas), a piano piece she has to play from memory, demonstrating what flower arrangements would be most appropriate for what occasions, or be it that she finds herself going across the dance floor, anxiously counting her steps, these things can make her stomach twist and curl, even if she's sure she'll do well. She can find herself apprehensive for hours in advance, going over her notes or practicing in front of a classmate until they're sick of her worrying. But this, this she can not confide in anyone.

It takes three to make a love triangle. Even so, for the longest time only Hitomi was aware that said love triangle existed. Sayaka thought she was the only girl pining after Kyousuke. Kyousuke is, as of yet (unless he's much more observant than Hitomi has been led to believe), unaware that either of his friends harbor such feelings for him. His feelings are a black box; for all that he seems unaware of just what's been going on around him, Kyousuke has not given so much as the slightest indication that he wouldn't be averse to dating one of them.

What I wouldn't give for this to hurt less. Her heart feels as though it might break from twisting itself into knots; funny how badly-abused this organ has become over the years, but usually it's fit to crumble from neglect.

The only pain comparable to this was the agonizing terror when Kyousuke first had his accident, and no one knew if he would live or die. She, Sayaka and Madoka had taken turns standing watch over his bed when there wasn't school and his parents couldn't be there. He looked so small in that bed, the drip of the IV and the steady tolling of the heart monitor all that broke the silence. She would look at him, pale and still and silent, covered in bandages, his injured hand lying mangled at his side, and Hitomi felt as though she would drown in her own withheld tears. The thought that he could die at any moment made her cold to her marrow.

Now that Kyousuke is back at school, his once-ruined arm miraculously healed, she can't wait anymore. It has to be soon. It's time to resolve this issue, once and for all.

Sayaka is Hitomi's closest friend. To see Sayaka in pain gives Hitomi no pleasure, none at all. She's watched Sayaka vacillate towards and away from revealing her feelings to Kyousuke for months, even years. Hitomi knows she's no better, but she also knows that Sayaka fears rejection. She prefers the eternal purgatory of never knowing to knowing, but not having the answer she wanted. She would spend the rest of eternity never knowing if Kyousuke felt the same way she did, just to avoid the pain of being rejected by him.

That's where I come in. I suppose that in fairy tales and tales told by people to their friends, I'm the classic villainess, the home-wrecker. The wholesome tomboy has a crush on one of her best friends. But hark! A rival appears on the horizon, and she is everything the tomboy is not: girly, reserved, and almost stiflingly proper. She swoops in out of nowhere, and before the tomboy can even react, her crush has been stolen away from her.

Well not this time.

Hitomi sets her jaw, struggling to steel her resolve. She doesn't see how reaching for her own happiness would make her the bad guy of the story; if Kyousuke feels the same for Sayaka as she does for him, then he's hardly going to agree to go out with Hitomi if she asks him to.

But at the same time, Hitomi knows that life goes on. Crushes come and go; some are forever and some simply aren't. She's known Sayaka longer than she has Kyousuke. She's not going to potentially ruin their friendship over a boy. If Kyousuke decides that he likes Sayaka better than Hitomi and that he'd like to go out with her, it'll hurt to see them together. Watching them walking home together, hand in hand, laughing at private jokes will feel like someone twisting the knife ever deeper in her heart, but it will pass. And at least she'll still have her friends.

Tomorrow afternoon, if Sayaka hasn't confessed her feelings to Kyousuke, Hitomi will confess for her.

For the first time, Hitomi feels properly cold, a chill making gooseflesh of her legs. She sheds her sweater and unpins her bow before pulling the covers up over her, propping on one shoulder so she can stare out the window. A few fat raindrops have splattered across the glass, the herald of another unenthusiastic April shower. She runs her teeth over her lip, almost drawing blood in her anxiety.

What she's proposed is so audacious, so presumptuous that she couldn't even manage to say it in outright terms to Sayaka. She likes to think that Sayaka understood the gist of what she was being told; maybe that's why she looked so gob-smacked as Hitomi walked away. Maybe she simply couldn't believe what she was hearing.

Who am I to take another person's feelings into my own hands? Who am I to act on Sayaka-san's behalf without her permission? If I should be confessing on anyone's behalf, it should be mine. And how pure are my motives, when I feels the same way about Kamijou-kun as she does?

She can hardly believe she's doing this, trying to play matchmaker for an unwilling friend and sabotaging her own hopes at the same time. Hitomi wouldn't, except she's so tired of waiting, anticipating a climax that never comes. She just wants it to be over.

The thought of seeing Kyousuke and Sayaka together makes envy unfurl in her chest like a snake baring its venomous fangs. If that is tomorrow's outcome, she's not sure when that envy, however corrosive, will ever dissipate. But even that would be better than suspension in Limbo.

Tomorrow. It ends tomorrow. She'll probably shout at me about it, and not talk to me for a while. But at least it will be over. I just hope Sayaka-san forgives me, however long that takes.

The specter of tomorrow looms larger than the most threatening storm cloud. Though Hitomi can't be sure, awake in the dark as she is, it feels as though the world is holding its breath.

Waiting.