The Words

"Coffee stains on your favorite book; remind me of you so I can't even look" ~ Duffy – I'm Scared

Reid let the phone slip from his numb fingers into the cradle. He let out a breath and sank back in his desk chair. Sometimes the world was just too cruel.

"Hey, Pretty Boy, you alright?" Morgan asked from his desk. Reid glanced up, realizing that he was in the middle of the bullpen. The quiet bubble that had descended around him when he answered the phone popped. People rushed by, snippets of conversations floated around, papers rustled, and the news could faintly be heard in the background from the TV. The noise and business of the space suddenly seemed painfully in-your-face and Reid was hit with the desire to go home and curl up on the couch with a book and some good music.

"Yeah, Morgan," he said. He wasn't home though and he had to keep his personal life out of the office. Eventually he would have to tell them, but he would tell them when they weren't working, during a morning conversation while arriving, or perhaps as they were leaving.

Turning back to his work, Reid sighed again and tried to ease the tight pain in his chest. It wasn't easy but eventually Reid managed to submerge himself in his work enough to push all this personal thoughts to the side to be dealt with later. He could feel them hovering, just on the edge, asking him to scream and cry and maybe throw some things. But he was an adult now and he would handle this as such, and any breaking down would happen in the privacy of his home, preferably with all the lights off.

"Reid?" Reid looked up from his coffee he'd been staring into for the last several minutes, and saw Garcia standing by the entrance to the little break room. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine," he said plainly. He tried not to disguise his voice with false cheeriness nor let any negative emotion creep its way in.

"Are you sure?" The bubbly technician asked worriedly. "I called your name a few times and you just stared into your coffee like it held some great wisdom." She took a few steps closer. "Junior G-Man?"

"I'm fine, Garcia, really. I was just thinking about…books." Relief crossed Garcia's face in a tidal wave.

"Well, alright. If you're sure everything's okay." She grabbed some coffee for herself and a granola bar. "You know where my lair is if you need me," she said chirpily as she left. Reid went back to his own desk, pointedly ignoring Morgan's obvious watching of him.

Once again, Reid plunged into his work with a desperate determination not to think about anything else. He pushed himself harder and faster than normal, which was saying something considering how fast he went through files. He didn't even comment on the extra files that had no doubt come from Morgan and Prentiss.

At the end of the day, Morgan, who had picked up on Reid's deflections of conversation and never before seen intensity of work, suggested they all go out for some dinner and a few drinks. It was Friday, after all, he said as though that required celebration. JJ, Prentiss, and Garcia were all quick to agree and soon Hotch and Rossi also decided to go along.

"What about you? Reid?" Morgan asked. Reid, the last one sitting as everyone else was standing in the mutual space between his, Prentiss's and Morgan's desks, looked up at them. What he really wanted to do was go home, have a light night cap, read a bit and sleep for the next decade. What he really needed to do was go home, start calling people, make funeral arrangements, and fulfill his job as Will Executer. But perhaps an evening out would be exactly what he needed to relax his nervous mind and ease the pain settled uncomfortably in his chest.

"Sure," he said, only just managing to keep his voice from letting out any emotion, from either side of the spectrum.

The restaurant had a nice feel to it. Casual without seeming too family oriented. They took a large, circular corner booth in the back. Hotch and Rossi both had scotch while the rest, Reid included, had beer while munching on a large plate of nachos in the center.

The girls talked as JJ told the story of Henry's latest adventure while Hotch and Rossi talked quietly. Reid repetitively deflected Morgan's persistent attempts to suck him into conversation, instead letting his mind wander.

He'd have to call his dad, among other people, to inform them. He certainly wasn't looking forward to that. Relations between Reid and his dad had improved since the Riley Jenkins case, but they hadn't really stayed in touch much afterwards.

"Reid, are you alright?" Morgan asked abruptly. There was a tiny rush of anger through Reid – would people stop asking me that damn question already? – but it disappeared quick as it had come.

Reid almost said fine, but hesitated. He'd have to tell them at some point, surely questions would be raised when the ever dedicated Reid requested a few personal days off of work next week, and what better time than now? When they were clearly in a casual situation and better yet, it wouldn't affect their work the next day, as it would be Saturday. And even though he hated to kill the good mood, they were his friends.

"No, not really," he said. Once again he tried to keep his voice in check. He was simply delivering some bad news – he'd have to get used to it seeing as he would have to break it to many people soon – and he would not turn into a weeping mess. Not here, not in front of everyone.

He could see everyone else glancing at him quickly out of the corner of their eye as they kept up their conversation, but with much less interest in what they were actually saying.

"Oh?" Morgan asked, looking a little surprised by Reid's blatant confession.

Reid licked his lips – could he possibly be saying the words he was about to say? – "My mom…" he trailed off. The words made everything too real. Much too real.

"Is she okay?" He could see the honest concern in Morgan's eyes, if not for Diana, then for Reid.

Say it! His mind hissed. Reid was well aware that saying words out loud made no difference of the situation. His mother was just as not alive as she would be when he told Morgan. It was already done and over and there was no going back and no changing it. "She, my mom that is, she…died." Despite their individual conversations going on, everyone instantly quieted and turned to look at Reid. JJ gasped and the shocked expressions were clear on every other face. Rossi was first to recover from the sudden admission.

"We're sorry to hear that, Reid," he said calmly and earnestly. Reid fed off of his calmness like a leech, sucking in every second of it to calm his own painfully racing heart.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"When?" JJ asked, her face the picture of concern.

"This morning. I got the call just after lunch." He saw Morgan's eyes widened as he recalled the phone call.

"How come you didn't tell us then?" Morgan asked. Reid could detect the tiny bit of hurt in his voice he tried so hard to hide. The same hurt shown in Garcia's wide eyes as she realized that Reid had already known for at least hour before their conversation in the break room where he had, very pointedly, said he was fine and everything was alright.

"I didn't want it to affect your work, you know, if you all got worried about me. And I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep working if I had to go through the whole thing then."

"I guess," Prentiss said, looking dismayed, as though she'd much rather an upset Reid on her hands than upset Reid pretending to be okay. It was a nice feeling, knowing they all cared so much.

"How? How did she…?" JJ asked, a hesitant curiosity on her face.

"Severe cerebral hemorrhage, most likely caused by a burst brain aneurysm." At the startled look on several faces, Reid added, "it's not as…uh, scary as it sounds. It's actually a very peaceful way to die. Often the only symptoms are a headache, occasionally nausea or blurred vision. If an aneurysm is caught early enough it can be treated, but those who do…die usually die in their sleep, often without any pain." For a second Reid could almost pretend it wasn't his mom he was talking about, that he was just listing off facts on demand like he normally would.

"At least she didn't suffer," Hotch said. Reid was reminded how recently it seemed Hotch had lost Haley, even if it had been almost a year ago. Hotch gave him a small smile and a nod.

"Is there anything we can do?" Prentiss asked.

"No…" he said, then turned to Hotch, "Though, I'm going to need next week off. I'll have to fly out to Las Vegas to make the…arrangements."

"I'll go with you," Morgan said immediately, surprising Reid. If it was for a weekend…maybe, but to miss that much work for a friend? And besides, it wasn't like Reid was going there to hit the casinos, what did Morgan plan on doing?

"No, you don't have to do that," Reid said. "Really, it's not necessary."

"I'm going, Reid," Morgan stated firmly.

"Really-"

"I think it's a good idea," Hotch interrupted. The other people at the table also put in their nods of agreement. "You both have more than enough personal days saved up. I'll take care of Strauss," he added.

"But what if a case comes up?" Reid stated. It was one thing for the team to be missing one person, but two at the same time? Not that he doubted the others ability, after all you couldn't be one of the best profiling teams in the world without serious teamwork, but they worked best as a team. It was always easier with more than one set of eyes and more than one mind to bounce ideas around.

"We can handle it, Reid. And if we can't, we know your number." Reid let the fight flow out of him and couldn't help but feel a little relieved. It was nice to have proof he wasn't alone.

"Yeah, Reid, and if you need anything, let us know," JJ said sincerely.

"Thank you," Reid said honestly as he looked around as his team, his family.

"No need to thank us, Love, that's what friends are for," Garcia said.

They finished their evening with good conversation and a very friendly feeling. Both JJ and Garcia hugged him, whispering their condolences in his ear. When Morgan offered him a ride home, Reid politely declined, wanting the metro ride home to collect his thoughts. Morgan seemed to understand, and Reid was grateful.

A thought had crossed Reid's mind and he wondered just how long it would be before someone else thought the same thing. It was, to his surprise, Prentiss who caught up with him just as he left the restaurant.

"Reid," she called as she caught up with him.

"Yeah?" he asked, though he knew all too well what she wanted to know about. And, in some weird cosmic way, it seemed fitting it be Emily to breach the topic.

She stood there for a second puzzling over her words before finally speaking. "If you need…I mean to say, if you start…that is, if you start…" She sighed. Just as Reid started to consider breaching the topic for her, just to put her out of her misery, she spoke up. "Don't let it go too far this time, okay? Come to us, anyone of us. No judgment, just friends who want to help."

"Thank you," Reid said softly, the strength of his gratitude clear. "Really, thank you." She smiled and hugged him.

"We couldn't lose you," she whispered in his ear. Reid tightened his hold on her. No more drugs. I promise.

They pulled apart and Prentiss turned to go back. "Wait, Emily!"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry. About before, you know, when I…that was terrible of me and I feel terrible about how I treated you. You didn't deserve that."

"I know, Reid, I know. And I forgive you. It wasn't personal and I get that."

Once again the words failed to express Reid's emotion. No sentence structure could possibly express his relief and joy at her forgiveness. It had bothered him for a long time, but, as with many things in life, the longer you wait the harder it gets. And it had gotten harder. Harder to dredge up a past demon to apologize for it. Especially for something that had pretty much always gone unsaid.

But Reid knew the team well enough to know they wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Even if it was a secret from the administrators, it would never be a pink elephant in the room for them. They wouldn't let Reid go a second time and Reid wouldn't let go a second time.

Not again. Not ever. And especially not now, when it'd be such a blatant disrespect to his mother's memory.

"Good night, Reid."

The silence of his apartment was both relaxing and lonely. He turned on some music and allowed himself the pleasure of a nice, cool but cold shower. Afterwards, dressed in a very comfy pair of sweatpants and a soft t-shirt, he settled down on the couch. There was one call he was going to make tonight, and let the rest wait until tomorrow. He and Morgan had decided to fly out tomorrow evening so they would have all of Sunday. Reid's hopes were for the wake to be on Wednesday, the funeral on Thursday, and he and Morgan to fly back for Friday.

After fixing himself a mug of hot chocolate – as much as he'd grown pretty much unaffected by caffeine, it did give him strange dreams at night – and gathering a book and blanket, he gave up his attempts to stall and picked up the phone.

Swallowing, he dialed his dad's number, all the while thinking (hoping?) his father had since changed his number. It was ridiculous he told himself, because either way he'd still have to call his father and eventually see his father, but his thoughts persisted.

"Hello?" the voice asked in mild surprise. Reid looked over at the clock. Quarter after eight. Perhaps too late for a social call to a mildly estranged father, but then again this wasn't an ordinary call at all.

"Hi, dad," he said quietly.

"Spencer!" His dad replied jovially. "It's been far too long since you and I talked! To what do I owe the pleasure?" Reid swallowed.

"I have some bad news," he said quickly. If he didn't blurt it out, it'd never come out. The damn words.

"You do?" Reid could hear his hesitancy over the phone.

"Yeah," Reid sighed. "Mom, she…she passed away this morning. Burst brain aneurysm." It could have been said more delicately and it properly hurt his father to hear it so bluntly, but Reid couldn't say it any other way. And there was a tiny bit of satisfaction in telling the man who had walked out on them – because murder or no murder, the fact of the matter was, he did walk out – that the woman he had promised to stay with until death do them part had died.

There was silence on the other end. Even though there were no eyes watching him, Reid shifted uncomfortably.

"I see." Reid was tempted to hang up in the awkward silence, but he forced his hand to hold the phone to his ear. "When is the wake and the funeral?"

"I'm not sure, but probably towards the end of next week."

"Alright. Are you…okay?" It sounded odd and it felt odd, like trying to stand on the bridge of a relationship that had never been mended.

"Yeah, I'm fine." And if Reid wasn't fine, the last person to find out would be his father. Once again Reid had to fight the urge just to hang up there. But, as he so often struggled to prove to the rest of the team, he was an adult and whether he wanted to or not, he had to deal with this. He couldn't just hang up and block the rest of the world out. There would be no curling up in the corner and sobbing and there would be no screaming and throwing things. He was an adult now.

"I'm leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow," Reid went on. "To make the arrangements. Once I know for sure the day of the…the funeral, I'll let you know. I'll see you then."

"Wait, Spencer-" Reid hung up.

Screw being an adult. He didn't want to deal with anything his father wanted to say, any emotional moments, or angry quips. Whatever it was, he couldn't deal with it right then. He could feel wetness building in his eyes and he stubbornly tried to blink them back. Even in the silence of his own home, he wanted badly to keep up his front. Even if it was only for himself.

He opened his book and tired very hard to concentrate on the small words before him. He made it about fifty pages before small drops of salty water fell onto the page. It didn't turn into sobbing. It wasn't wracked with screams and swears at the world as might be on TV.

Tears fell softly down his cheeks and his shoulders shook, but no noise came out except for a small gasp when air became in too short supply. His fingers clenched the hard covers of his book though his scrunched eyes couldn't see anything.

Eventually his silent cries faded into soft panting and the tears stopped, leaving only dried tracks to show they were there at all.

~CM~

Reid blinked slowly as he woke up. He frowned when he recognized the feel of the couch beneath him instead of his bed. The maroon blanket that he had covered up with before falling asleep was wrapped around one leg and dangling off the edge of the couch. His book lay open on the floor, the music still playing in the background. He had read until very late, perhaps even into the morning of the next day. His mind hadn't been able to slow down enough for him to sleep.

Groaning as he stretched his back and sat up, Reid rubbed his eyes and mussed up his hair. He glanced over at the clock.

"Shit!" Reid shouted as he leapt to his feet. Three o' clock. Morgan was coming over at four for their flight at six. Reid stood up, the blanket staying wrapped around his leg as he did so, and spun around several times. Did he have time to take a shower and still get packed? He should probably eat too, just in case they didn't serve food on the plane…

Reid ran into the bathroom, literally taking off his clothes as he went, and hopped in the shower. He didn't bother with anything but a quick soap and rinse. Once out of the shower, he dried off with the towel as he ran into his room. He grabbed clothes out of his closet without even conscious thought of what he was bringing. Hopefully he didn't end up with some weird combination of clothes that couldn't be worn…it'd be just his luck to have to show up to his own mother's funeral in a dress shirt and sweatpants.

He was barely buttoning up his shirt when the doorbell rang. He let out a moan of frustration. "Coming!" he shouted. Zipping up his bag as he ran to the door, he made it to the door there, only tripping once on the way.

"Hey…" Morgan's original pleasant tone trailed off as he caught sight of Reid. "Um, everything alright?"

"What?" Reid asked distractedly as he glanced back at his apartment. He'd have a hell of a mess to clean up when he got back. His room, at least, was a disaster, drawers thrown here and there and discarded clothes all over the floor.

"One second, do come in," Reid said before Morgan got a chance to answer his question. After folding up the blanket and rescuing the poor book with now bent pages, Reid clicked off the music, threw a granola bar in his bag and started to put on his shoes.

"Uh? Reid? Did you just get out of the shower?" Reid looked up in surprise.

"How'd you know?"

"Your hair. You didn't dry it, it's dripping all over your shirt. Oh, and you missed a button by the way."

"What?" Reid asked in frustration as he looked down at his indeed mis-buttoned shirt. Reid let out a grumble of irritation. "One second…again." He walked quickly back to his bathroom, toweled off his hair then rebuttoned his shirt.

"We're good to…uh…to go," Reid stumbled over his words as he came back up to the door.

"Reid," Morgan said as he reached a hand out to rest of the younger man's shoulder. "Calm down, kid. Everything's going to be…you'll be okay." Reid gave him a look to point out that he had caught his slip, but appreciated the gesture anyway. Morgan squeezed his shoulder and Reid grabbed his bag, making sure to lock the door behind him.

~CM~

"Spencer." Reid froze in his seat. The funeral hadn't started yet, but Reid had hoped to put this off until after. He'd only barely managed to avoid the man yesterday at the wake, but a lot of people had been there, moving about, talking, eating, and it was all too easy to decide to dodge the man and put it off to tomorrow. Morgan, sitting next to him, looked at Reid in concern.

"Hey, Dad," Reid said quietly before turning to look over his shoulder. Slowly he stood up. William was dressed in the traditional black suit, as were Reid and Morgan. Before Reid could say anything else, the older Reid pulled him into a tight hug. Reid stiffened. He wasn't a huge fan of being touched normally, let alone by the man that he still held such a deep bitter resentment for. No matter what his reasons were, William would never be completely forgiven in Spencer Reid's book.

"How are you?" He asked, pulling Reid back to arm's length.

"Fine," Reid said as he pulled out of his father's grip. Out of his fringe vision he could see Morgan watching them intently, waiting for Reid to give any indication that he no longer wanted his father there. Morgan was more than ready to step in and remove anyone, even Reid's own father, if Reid didn't want them there.

William frowned at his son's response, but seemed to accept it all the same. "Well, alright. Maybe afterwards you and I should go out for some drinks or maybe dinner?"

"Morgan and I have to leave for our flight."

"So soon?" William asked in surprise.

"Have to get back to work." Despite the protests of Morgan (and once he found out via phone, Hotch) Reid fully planned on going to work tomorrow, Friday. They were getting back to Quantico at a decent hour tonight so Reid was going in. Despite what everyone seemed to think, he wanted badly to get back to work. To provide a distraction for his busy mind and to submerge himself fully in someone else's problems. To get to work stopping other deaths. And most importantly, to surround himself with his friends.

"You couldn't take one more day off? Hang out with your old man a bit? I can show you the sights?"

"I used to live here," Reid said blandly. "I know the sights."

"Right," William said slowly. "Well, we could still-"

"I can't, Dad. I'm sorry." He could see his father's unhappiness in his face. It was clear he badly wanted to mend whatever was left of their relationship. "I'm sorry," he said again.

"She was so proud of you," William blurted out. Reid's chest constricted painfully and he wanted very much to be anywhere else. He couldn't hear this, not now, not from him, he'd break down in tears if he had to hear the 'she was proud' speech. "You were all she talked about whenever I saw her, what'd you'd done, cases you'd solved. Lives you saved."

"You visited." Reid hadn't been aware of that little fact, but he knew he shouldn't be surprised. After all, William Reid lived not twenty minutes away. Him visiting was not nearly as big of an ordeal as it was for Reid. Not to mention, after going to all the work to take time off, book the flights and hotels, actually get there, sometimes Diana wasn't even aware of him. Once she'd even boasted of her son's accomplishment to Reid and that had been the most unbearable pain he'd ever felt.

"Yes. Not as often as I should, but I do visit." A hopeful look came in his eyes. "Maybe you could swing down to visit me some time," he said with a shrug.

"It's an awful long way just to 'hang out' for an afternoon." Reid knew he should give his father some slack. Give him a little help seeing as he was clearly trying hard to reconnect with his son. But at his mother's funeral, all Reid could think of was William leaving. Of the hundreds of times he had to do something himself he shouldn't have had to. Of the dozens of times he had to lie to dodge questions about his home life. Of the countless times crying into the darkness of his room, knowing no one lucid enough could hear.

"We should take our seats," Morgan said as he nodded towards the front, where the funeral was about to start. Thank you Reid thought, but instead only nodded at his friend.

"I'll talk to you later, Dad." At the severely let down expression on his father's face, Reid offered the tiniest of smiles. Some day, but not today, it said. William nodded, offering his own understanding smile. I'll be waiting for that day.

With a sigh, Reid dropped down next to Morgan.

"You alright?"

"You know, I'd be a lot better if people stopped asking me that," Reid said, making sure to let Morgan know through body language that he wasn't mad. Morgan nodded as well.

"Okay, Pretty Boy, okay."

The End

No beta - all mistakes are my own. I don't own Criminal Minds.

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