Regret

He awoke once again by her crying. She had tried to conceal how much she was hurting, but he knew. He always knew. Despite Garret's careless nature, with his sarcastic remarks and bad jokes, he was very aware of other people's problems and truly wanted to help. Especially, when that person was his mother. She was still missing his father, Malcolm. She wouldn't say anything, but when she thought Garret wouldn't notice she would keep twirling her wedding ring that after six years she still hadn't removed. Garret also knew that Leandra felt responsible for Bethany's death. She had blamed him for Bethany's death at first, as had Carver, and blast it even Garret himself did. And now Carver was gone as well. It had been almost two years since the Deep Roads, but Leandra's pain was still fresh in her mind. And how could he blame her? With Carver in the Wardens he might as well be dead. For once in his life Garret was glad he had listened to good sense and brought Anders along. Anders and Garret Hawke had started on a somewhat rocky path. Garret's ways of dealing with tense and uncomfortable situations were bad jokes. This was not appreciated by Anders, for example, when Hawke had called his merging with Justice "creepy". Thankfully it had changed when they found that they both wanted to see mages free from the the last two years they had become good friends and between Anders, Varric and Hawke, they would have the most puzzling or disturbing (depending on your point of view) conversations.

He heard Leandra sob again. He couldn't comfort her. Maker knows he tried, but it didn't help. Nothing did. The loss of the twins had broken her spirits beyond repair. If only Bethany were here. She would know what to do, always so kind, loving and giving. Hawke missed his sweet little sister. No one could replace her... No, but maybe someone or something could bring her back? Hawke smiled at his stroke of brilliance. He had recently gotten hold of some very old and forbidden books on magic. Blood magic to be exact. His father had said that blood magic only led down an evil path and Hawke had blindly followed this advice, but then he met Merrill. She was the sweetest little elf that Hawke had ever seen and so harmless. If she was doing blood magic it couldn't be that bad, now could it? Since then, Hawke had experimented with it much to Anders' and Fenris' anger... anger was not a strong enough word. Especially for Fenris, but after saving him from a slaver ambush and tracking down a woman named Hadrianna, he had been so grateful that he actually considered Hawke a friend. Bad jokes and friendship eventually kept the two from mentioning it. He had been wise enough not to mention the bloodmagic to Sebastian. Hawke didn't mind him, but he needed to take pleasure in life instead wasting it in the Chantry. Another sob from Leandra and Hawke got out of bed. There must be some way of bringing Bethany back and he was going to find it.

-OOO-

After three months of research Hawke finally found something. He had never seen a ritual like it and it was as if didn't belong in this world in the first place. It was a summoning of a demon or a spirit, he couldn't tell, but it was apparently very powerful and supposedly held the power over life and death."Ha! Screw the Maker! I will spit in his face and take back what belongs to me," Hawke thought to himself as he chuckled. He needed help, however, to do it since two mages were needed for the ritual. Hawke knew exactly who to go to.

Hawke almost ran from Hightown all the way to the alienage because of the excitement he was feeling, with Ziggy, his mabari, right behind him. He had a grin on his face that made people look after him as he walked past them. He couldn't help it. He knew what he was doing was stupid, but for once since his father's death he would do right by his mother. The smile faded slightly when he went past Gamlen's house. Grumpy, old, thieving, snake. Had it not been for his kleptomaniac nature, Hawke would never have had to go to the Deep Roads and, by extension, Carver would still be around. The resentment in his veins felt like poison and it almost made his cheerful nature disappear... almost. "There is a fire in your heart, child. Don't let it burn out." Hawke still smiled at that comment from the old keeper. He finally arrived at Merrill's house and knocked on the door. As she opened the door, her eyes started glowing and a slight blush started on her cheeks. This was why Hawke liked Merrill. Always happy to see you, sweet to everyone and no judgement, just acceptance and kindness. How could you not like her?

"Hawke! I wasn't expecting you. Not that I'm not happy to see you, 'cause I am. I mean... I'm rambling again. Sorry."

"How many times have I told you not to worry about it? I prefer your rambling to brooding any day. Much cuter." He chuckled and Merrill blushed. They stood there for a long moment.

"Merrill?"

"Yes?"

"May I come in?" He winked at her.

"Oh, of course. I'm so sorry. Two years here and I am still a terrible host."

"Hey at least your home is clean. Fenris still has corpses rotting in his hallway and don't even get me started on the smell in Anders' clinic and the Hanged Man." He made a good-natured laugh. Merrill laughed as well.

They sat down and Hawke placed the book on the table and opened it. Merrill looked curiously, but didn't say anything. Those eyes of hers could make him melt in seconds. He was convinced that if she were to smile sweetly and stare at him with those eyes, he would kill every shem in Thedas. Of course she would never ask for such a thing. He regained his composure.

"I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, Merrill," he began, "but I have finally found a way to right one of them. I want to perform this ritual, but you have much more experience than I do."

"Let me have a look."

She read for a little while and her expression became one that was partly confused and partly awestruck.

"Al'genarn... I have never seen anything like this before."

"Do you think we can do it?"

"I would think so... but we need to go to a place where the Veil is thin. Sundermount would do."

"Great, let's go!" Hawke said and got up.

"We can't go alone, Hawke."

"Why not? Only two mages are needed for the ritual."

"Yes, but this ritual is unpredictable. There is a chance that we might summon more than one demon. If things go wrong, we could be..."

"...in serious trouble I get it. Well, Isabella is out of town, Aveline is busy playing mother to the City Guard and Varric is stuck with the Merchants' Guild, still trying to sort out Bartrand's mess. That leaves... shit... Anders and Fenris." Hawke cringed.

"They can't know what we are doing Merrill."

"Alright... but how do we avoid it?"

"I'll think of something and don't worry. If they bother you, I'll make Ziggy eat them." He chuckled and Ziggy gave a happy bark. Merrill, of course gave, a startled look.

"You wouldn't do that would you?"

"Ha ha! Don't worry, she doesn't like human or elf meat... I think. I'll go draft them and see when we can leave."

He got up, took the book and gave Merrill a small kiss on her cheek as he whispered, "thank you". Merrill flushed and started to giggle nervously as he left.

-OOO-

The next day they were finally going to Sundermount. Drafting Anders had been easy enough. There were complications with Fenris, though. Hawke met him in the Chantry courtyard talking to Sebastian. He had asked for his help and Fenris agreed. What didn't go as planned, however, was when Sebastian offered to help. The man insisted on helping Hawke after he had helped him with the mercenaries responsible for murdering his family. Hawke had tried to avoid it since listening to Sebastian sanctifying a religion - that was against Garrett's entire existence - was more than annoying. As a person, however, Hawke didn't mind him so much and found it hard to refuse his help. And he did need it if he should unleash a small army of demons. To convince them to join, Garret had told them that the keeper had been worried about some magical activity at the top of the mountain and had requested their help. Anders seemed suspicious wondering why the Dalish would ask for a human's help, but didn't force the issue. As they approached the graveyard on top of the mountain, Hawke needed to keep the three gentlemen away from the ritual, but close enough so that if there was trouble, Merrill and Hawke wouldn't get eaten. Hawke suggested that they split up into two groups to cover more area. Anders groaned in annoyance when Hawke made him team up with Fenris and Sebastian. Hawke almost felt sorry for him.

Merrill and Hawke walked into the graveyard and towards the altar. In front of the altar Hawke took some red lyrium powder and poured it on the ground. He first made a star and around it a circle. He had never seen a symbol like it, but did as the ritual said. Five black candles were placed around the symbol and lit. Then he laid down two gold sovereigns as an offering, this was also confusing to him. At last both he and Merrill cut their palms and placed five drops of blood in each corner of the star. The sixth and final drop was to be made in the middle of it. Hawke joined his bloody hand with Merrill's and looked into her eyes as she smiled.

"Are you ready?"

She nodded nervously. He stroked her cheek with his free hand to comfort her and then they squeezed their palms together releasing a final drop of blood. Their blood intertwined and they could feel their magic combine. When the final drop of blood hit the ground the lyrium started glowing and the flames of the candles intensified. They went out of the circle and Hawke looked in the book. It said something about several worlds that he didn't fully understand, but figured it was referring to the Fade. He recited the incantation.

"Gaily I lived as ease and nature taught,
And spent my little life without a thought,
And am amazed that Death, that tyrant grim,
Should think of me, who never thought of him."[1]

Black clouds seemed to be coming towards them gathering over the mountain. Smoke rose from the ground and the air was sizzling with magic. From the smoke raised something that Hawke had never seen nor heard of. It was a tall man in a long black robe with a hood hiding his face. He had a large pair of black wings and as he breathed the ground became covered in a layer of frost. In his hand, he was holding a scythe.

"Not a good spirit I take it," Hawke said more to himself than anyone else.

"I am the Angel of Death. I am neither good nor evil... I just am as I have always been. What would you have of me?"

"I lost my sister, Bethany. I want her back."

"Aahh yes... such a gentle soul. People never mourn more than when a soul decides to travel again after such a short time. Do you know the repercussions of what you are asking, mortal? There will be a price and that price is not for you to decide."

"My best friend is a dwarf, I know things aren't cheap." Hawke gave a cheeky smile.

"Do you understand that what you ask means that I will have to drag her soul cross time and space? Her soul has already travelled beyond and if I return her she will not be the same."

"I don't care. Can we please get this show on the road?"

Death shook his head and made a heavy sigh that had a sound off remorse to it.

"So impulsive... So many lives end so early because of it. Very well I will do as you ask. Stay back, if you please."

Hawke could hardly contain his excitement. In a few moments he would have Bethany back and everything would be better. Death turned away from them and stood in front of the altar, blocking Merrill and Hawke's view. They felt the veil stir and in front of Death something that looked like a giant mirror appeared.

"An Eluvian...?" Merrill whispered.

Death seemed to reach into the mirror and disappeared momentarily. From what Hawke could tell, Death was now holding a person in his arms and wrapped in his cloak. Death carefully placed her on the altar and stroked her hair. For a demon he seemed strangely loving.

"May this path be more loving than your past ones." Death whispered to the girl and then turned around.

"In one year I will collect the universe's payment."

"Two years." Hawke replied without missing a beat.

"Garrett Hawke, I do not haggle!" Death reprimanded like a father scolding his child.

"1½! Final offer." Hawke gave a wink and Death sighed like an old tired man.

"Very well... A year and a half. I hope you will find peace with it and that you will not regret it. Until we meet again."

And then Death and all evidence of the ritual disappeared. Almost instantly Hawke knew something was wrong when he approached the altar he looked at the young woman. She had dark red hair in a shade he had never seen before. She was as tiny as Merrill, but had the womanly figures of a human and her skin was pale. What sort of scam was this? This was not Bethany! And the clothes she was wearing was unlike anything he had ever seen. She was wearing a red shirt of some kind, a black jacket, a pair of blue trousers and some sort of pointy shoes. At that moment, Anders, Fenris and Sebastian came running towards them. Anders looked around and then asked:

"What happened? I felt the Veil stir. Who is that?"

Had Hawke not been in such a state of shock he would have been furious, but instead he did what he always did. He joked.

"Maker, Anders. I know you probably haven't gotten laid in a while, but I thought you at least remembered what a woman looked like," he chuckled.

"It's not funny, Hawke. Something terrible has happened. Is she hurt?"

Anders went towards the altar and looked down at the woman looking for injuries. Fenris got up next to them and looked around the altar as if searching for something.

"No evidence of blood magic." He stated.

"And I can't find any injuries. I think she is just asleep."

Anders and Hawke stood on opposite sides of the altar. She seemed to be dreaming and started smiling in her sleep. Anders thought her very pretty and as she smiled he couldn't help but doing so himself. Hawke however stared at her and turned more pale by the minute. Anders gently tried to wake her and she slowly opened her eyes that were a mixture of green and light brown. Hawke confirmed once more that this was not Bethany, no one in their family had green eyes.

"What happened?" she asked and began to look around. Then her eyes grew wide and she sat up abruptly and jumped of the altar. She backed away from them and seemed angry.

"Who the hell are you?!"

-OOO-

She looked so weak. She was pale, had lost all her hair from the chemo and with tubes latched on to her everywhere it looked like something from a bad alien movie. Leila held her mother's hand, knowing that it wouldn't be long now. They had tried every treatment possible. Medicine, different doctors, acupuncture, herbal medicine and healing (with crystals no less). None of it worked. The cancer would disappear and then reappear. This was the second time that she had gotten cancer. The first time was when Leila was ten. Why didn't the treatments work this time? If only she could do something. Leila kept holding her mother's hand and started envisioning a white light forming from her hands and spreading through her mother's body. The light would shine through her mother's skin and remove the cancer from her lungs and heart. How long she sat like the she had no idea, but when the heart monitor stopped beeping and a long sound replaced it, Leila started crying. A nurse appeared in the room only moments later and called the time of death.

"I'm sorry for your loss. I can get the hospital priest if you like someone to talk to?"

"Thank you, but I don't believe in that and neither did she," Leila tried to say politely as she was holding back the tears. She didn't mind people being religious, but it wasn't what she needed.

-OOO-

Three months had passed since the funeral and Leila's father hadn't called once to hear how she was doing. Not that she was surprised or hurt by it, but for some reason his lack of interest in her well-being never seemed to amaze her. He had a life that didn't include her and it hadn't since her mother got sick the first time. Instead Leila had become this uncomfortable reminder for him of a marriage that didn't work and a life that he didn't want in the first place. She didn't hate her father, but he had become insignificant and though she was ashamed to admit it she couldn't care less if he was dead or alive. Everyone else was dead. Her grandparents died from old age long ago. She looked around the apartment and it seemed so empty and cold. Outside the sun was setting. She had a date tonight. A blind one nonetheless that a colleague had arranged for her. It was only a movie and she decided to do something she hadn't done in a while. She packed a bag with her pencils and her art portfolio. Outside the theatre, she sat down and started to draw. She was drawing a phoenix rising from an ocean of fire and was feeling rather happy about how it looked. Actually, she had been so caught up in her own little world that she didn't notice that the movie had started half an hour ago. She took out her phone to look at the time. Her date hadn't showed up and hadn't even called to cancel it. Wonderful... perhaps he had taken one look at her and left. Not an encouraging thought, but she was actually relieved. She hated blind dates. Leila hadn't had a boyfriend or been with anyone in two years, because of her mother's sickness. She had a boyfriend at the beginning of illness, but she was so worried about her mother that she didn't do her part in the relationship. She wouldn't answer text messages, stopped answering his calls and was always distant when together. She had just let him drift away slowly and when they broke up there was no feelings to hurt for him or her. She packed her things and got up from the bench. Halfway home she suddenly felt very tired and sat down.

- OOO- Author's note - OOO -

Special thanks to my Beta reader Aelenor. You're a sweetheart:)