Red is the Color of Love

by Luna Maria Boulevardes

i. normal.

Two Years.

If there is one thing Mako doesn't need in his life, it's losing any more people he cares about. His grandparents were all dead by the time he was four. His parents died when he was eight. His pet rabbaroo died when he was nine. Well, okay, so he killed it because he needed the food, but still. The point holds.

Bolin will tell you that (probably) because of this, Mako is a very protective person. He will lash out with all the wrath of a vengeful god if someone he loves is in danger. He will move any mountain, pay any price. There is no cost too high. There will never be a cost too high.

There is a problem with this, Bolin will tell you [though first he'll look over his shoulder though to make sure his brother isn't there to listen]. The problem is Mako's determination. Having determination is a good thing when you're an orphan who needs grit to survive. It's a good thing if you have a little brother to feed and raise, or you need to rescue your girlfriend the Avatar. Determination is a good thing when you're battling Amon and your lightening is the one thing that turns the battle in your favor. You, through your diamond-steel willpower, have single-handedly won back Republic City. You killed the monster under the bed.

Still, determination can be a problem.

To be sure, Bolin has never seen his brother cross The Line. He's never seen Mako completely lose it, completely shatter into something dark from a nightmare. What Bolin has seen, however, is how possible it is. He glimpses it in his brother's fury when Korra is kidnapped. When Mako holds those flames against the Equalist's face everything goes blurry. You look at him and wonder if he's the two-faced devil or avenging angel.

Mako could lose it, you know. He could go somewhere bad and dark and evil never to return.

But really, Bolin will say, I don't think that's going to happen.

ii. fantasy.

Eighteen months.

Mako becomes a police officer for pretty much one reason: he has to protect Korra. Most importantly, he has to be able to protect Korra from herself. She's got a self-destructive streak, you see, so he has to be her smarter self. She might be just Korra to him, but she's also the Avatar which means she will never really belong to him or even to herself. Avatars have consorts, not boyfriends or husbands. He is obligated to protest, keep her safe and sound.

Mako saw Korra when she was about to jump off that cliff. He hasn't told her that. He's kept it to himself, worried that if he says something she'll hide things from him. He can't that; she has to trust him completely so he can stop her if she ever tries or even thinks about something like that again. It doesn't matter if he has to tie her up and lock her away, he will not allow Korra to hurt herself.

Lying in bed, Mako pulls her closer and plants little kisses on the back of her neck. She sighs softly and he wonder if he could ever live without that sound. He couldn't, of course. Mako will break if any one else leaves him alone.

He lets himself indulge a fantasy that he could put her somewhere that no one could touch her, or even look at her. He imagines a house made out of platinum; Korra wouldn't be able to run away and no one else would be able to get in. It would be a big house, big enough so Korra will never want for anything. His girl, his perfect, lovely, beautiful girl hidden away from a world so full of people with bad intentions.

It's only because he loves her. He loves her so, so much.

iii. setup.

One Year.

On a summer night Korra comes home crying. Mako immediately goes to her, forgetting about the dinner he was cooking [by the time either of them remembers it will be nothing but cinders]. He grabs her around her waist and pulls her into his arms, tenderly guiding her to the sofa. Korra curls into a ball [her pain, it hurts him like the world hurts the gods] and her tears drench his lap. Mako bites back the feeling of panic. This absolutely cannot happen again.

"Talk to me," he pleads, stroking her hair. She doesn't answer right away. Mako has a fleeting urge to yank her hair as hard as he can so she'll be forced to look up and address him. He doesn't do this. Instead he pulls away, sweating from the horror of his own thoughts. He would never do something like that to Korra. He loves Korra.

"It's stupid," she finally begins. She shifts so that instead of lying on her stomach she's now on her back. Korra moves up a bit so she's sitting in his lap rather than lying down. Mako holds her tightly, his grip so strong he wonder if he might break her.

"Stupid or not, tell me anyway," he coaxes just like he used to when Bolin tried to tell him lies. Korra bites her lip. Mako immediately yanks it out of her teeth [Korra, you stupid girl, why are you doing that to yourself? To me?] He is so aggressive and she so surprised that the skin splits and blood stains her skin. "Korra – I'm sorry!" he gasps, trying to brush it away with his thumb. Korra turns her head and brings her own fingers to the wound.

"It's nothing," she insists. He rolls his eyes. Moving out from under her Mako marches to the kitchen [he turns off the fires so the apartment won't burn with their food] and grabs a wet towel. He returns to the couch to clean her face, refusing to let her help.

"I just want to take care of you," he murmurs. Korra gives a sulky little huff but allows it. When he's done he kisses her and she tastes like copper. "Seriously though, can you tell what happened?"

"I was chasing down some benders who attacked one of the city banks, and – and he cornered me," she says quietly. Mako's stomach twists. "He tried to – to force himself on me. To rape me." Her eyes well up again when she chokes out the "r" word. Mako has forgotten to breathe and he wouldn't be surprised to learn that his heart stopped beating. All he can think is no no no no no. Not Korra. Not his girl. Not her.

He's a failure; he failed her.

"I'll never let something like that happen to you, I promise," he whispers earnestly. Then he pulls her in for a kiss, his fingers digging into her arms so hard that by morning there will be bruises.

Korra goes to lunch with Asami the next day wearing long sleeves despite the heat. When her friend comments on it, Korra refuses to tell her anything [Later, Asami will visit Bolin and tell him she's worried but doesn't know why]. Korra leaves lunch early, flustered and humiliated. She had been too busy to heal them [and okay, maybe she was a little angry and wanted to make Mako feel bad].

It was a stupid thing to do. She should have known Asami would notice the sleeves, should have remembered that she's a bad liar. It was just so hard because she didn't want Asami to see, because then she would ask questions and jump to conclusions and it was would be awful.

When Korra gets home, she angrily flings the shirt across the room. Mako raises his eyebrows but doesn't say anything, waiting for her next move. Korra opens a bottle of lotus liquor. They proceed to get uproariously drunk.

"Those bruises," Mako murmurs as they desecrate the kitchen table [he slams into her hard and she whimpers]. "I failed you. I can't believe I did that," he whispers. Mako leans over to kiss them. The pressure of his lips creates an uncomfortable pain/pleasure sensation. She feels confused and blurry, like she's only half-present. It hurts/it feels good. She chokes wetly when he bites one spot. "You seem to come back so quickly, though. You're strong." He is sucking the spot now and the pain crescendos.

"I'll always come back," Korra replies. One hand reaches up and rests on her throat. His thumb traces the underside of her jaw.

"You say that," he says, bucking against her again [she thinks ow ow ow and fuck fuck fuck and oh oh oh]. "But what if one day you don't come back?" His fingers snake higher and tangle drunkenly in her hair. "What then?"

He pulls her hair hard with one hand then he makes her come with the other. Mako makes her go so long it actually hurts and even though she begs him to stop he doesn't until she starts to cry. Then he grabs her breasts hard and licks away her tears.

Korra is sore between the legs for three whole days after.

iv. abuse.

Seven months.

"You are not going out, and that's final." Mako stands in front of the door, guarding it from a very angry Korra. Her eyes are blazing with blue fire, her hands twitching like she'd like to wrap them around his neck. Mako still won't move. The world is a dangerous place! It's no place for her – she could get hurt.

"Mako, stop being ridiculous," Korra orders. He shakes his head, jaw clenched. Protecting her out there is a lot more difficult than it is in here. She has to stay, even if it's silly. Better safe than sorry, right? She might not come back if he lets her go. She might die out there if he lets her go.

"I'm only doing this because I care about you!" he yells, temper finally breaking. It's like a furnace unlocked and opened; he can barely hold back the fire in him that just wants to go.

Korra has gone still. She is still angry but now she's more engrossed in watching him. He's been different lately, she's noticed. Mako hovers at windows with fear in his eyes and grows more paranoid by the hour. There is something in him that is hurting him, something that shattered into sharp pieces. They are piercing his viscera so he is hemorrhaging, bleeding into his own body to drown in his own blood.

Korra must tip-toe around him to keep bad things from happening. He is wild, his swirling emotions frightening for being so unpredictable. He yelled at her when she didn't wash the dishes but gave her a hug when she broke the toaster. They both cry a lot, going back and forth in an awful Grand Epic too engrossing, too encompassing to include the outside world. The pain is the balm as they hurt and scream and then accept kisses of love and comfort.

The truth is, Korra loves him but Mako scares her sometimes. And she's not sure if that's because she's afraid of what he'll do to her or if she's afraid of what he'll do to himself.

"Please," she asks quietly, head bowing. Korra goes to put a hand on his shoulder but never makes it. Mako lashes out and slaps her hard across the face. She gapes, too startled to make a sound and he takes the opportunity to tackle her to the floor. He lies on top of her with one hand supported his weight and the other holding her wrists above her head. Korra is wide-eyed with open lips. She hasn't even realized yet that she's crying. "What – "

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he murmurs, burying his nose in her neck as sobs wrack his body. His grip loosens so she is able to gingerly put one arm on his back. Mako fists the fabric of her shirt dropping I'm sorrys interspersed with I can't lose you. Korra is limp beneath him.

"It's – it's okay," she says slowly, rubbing circles on his back. "I don't want to scared you," she whispers. "I'll stay home, all right?" Her eyes flutter closed. She's craving a drink like nothing else. "I'm sorry. Next time Bolin and Asami want to make plans I'll clear it with you first."

He tightens around her like he wants to absorb her into himself.

"What just happened now – " she begins as he cuts her off with a harsh kiss. His hands are moving over her body so she feels dizzy and confused. One hand is flicking a now-hard nipple. The other has found that oh place at the juncture of her legs. She takes a deep, shaky breath.

"I'll make it up to you," he whispers, puling up to bite her ear. "Nothing like that will even happened again. I love you."

He'll say that all night – I love you. She won't know how to ask but what does that mean.

v. rationalization.

Two months.

Korra is terrified to go home and only goes because she knows that putting it off will make things even worse. All the radios have been broadcasting how the Avatar fell from a building sustaining unknown injuries. Truth be told, she was able to cushion herself with her airbending and walk away fine. Mako, she knows, doesn't have that information and he's going to be beside himself with worry.

"Mako – " She's barely in the house before the evidence of his anxiety bursts like water when you release the lock. He slams her into the closed door with hands that burn too hot. She screams but he is pressing her mouth against hers in a gesture too harsh to call a kiss. When he lets go her skin is bubbling up in burns.

"I've failed you," he whispers as his fingers trace the side of face. Then he bites her neck hard enough to draw blood. Korra, furious, shoves him away.

"Hey, you're hurting me," she growls. He blinks tears, looking at her with such grief you could drown in it. She is drowning in it.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you – but damn it, Korra, you put yourself in these dangerous situations and how do you think I'm going to react? I can't lose you. You don't understand – if anything happened to you – " He chokes on a sob and shudders. "No. I won't allow that. You're too self-destructive for your own good; I'm taking over responsibility for you now. Listen to me, okay? Just do what I tell you to do."

"You can't do that!" she screams. He glowers.

"You were going to kill yourself back in the South Pole. What if something really bad happened again? I couldn't let that happen. I'm trying to keep you safe. Why can't you see that? Why don't you understand?" he shakes her shoulders so her head snaps back and hits the wall.

"Ow," Korra murmurs, tears welling in her eyes. Mako pulls her into a head. He kisses her forehead.

"Shh," he soothes. "It's okay. You're okay. Just don't do these things to yourself Korra, I wouldn't get so upset." His voice is so soft she isn't sure if he's saying this to her or just to himself. Either way it breaks her heart. She returns his hug and rests her head on his chest so she can listen to his heartbeat and the steady rise/fall of his breath. Korra thinks that if Mako died, she would die too. Hearing the news alone would kill her dead. When you think about it like that, Mako isn't really being so unreasonable.

"I have a job though. I have to go back out eventually – " She is cut off when he slaps her. When Korra looks back at him, Mako is glaring at her like she's a petulant child. Korra swallows down her tears; her face feels very hot where he hit her.

Suddenly he hits her again, slapping the other cheek. He knocks her to the ground and they're both crying silent tears. Mako strikes her with mean jabs. He grabs her and holds her too hard. He bites her and kisses her and says don't die don't be hurt don't go the world is a terrible place you can't don't leave me don't go.

She doesn't fight back. Korra waits for him to feel his grief and tire himself out. Sure it hurts, but he hurts too and her injuries she can fix with a bucket of water.

There are bad men they do bad things cunt whore slut bitch they will hurt you I love you they will call you cunt you are beautiful to me so beautiful yes beautiful. They will defile you if I let them so I can't let you go you see. They are undeserving to look upon you.

I love you. I want you to be safe.

I want you where no one can touch you.

vi. escalation.

One hour.

Korra doesn't even have a chance to tell Mako she's pregnant before she loses the baby. He goes to work early, before she even gets up [though that doesn't mean anything now that she isn't working]. Because of that she's all alone when she wakes up covering in blood.

Korra doesn't move. She can only think I lost it and Mako is going to be so angry. She can't even bring herself to bend the blood from the sheets; instead she lies there all day, telling herself she deserves it for her sin. Mako calls her name when he comes in. She stares at the ceiling and thinks that it's no coincidence that red is the color of both love and death.

"Korra – what happened?" He rushes to her [dull, numb, listless] side to check if she's still breathing and if she's injured. He begins to pull the sheets back and Korra curls into herself and turns away.

"I was pregnant. I was going to tell you. But now I'm not." There is no light in her eyes or emotion in her voice. These are just facts, things that are [things that are immutable]. Mako stares at her for a minute then disappears. She wonders what he's going to do to her without really caring.

"I love you," he whispers, coming up behind her and planting a kiss in her hair. His tears splash against her skin as he loops his scarf around her neck. Too late, she realizes his intentions. He's strangling her and it doesn't matter how she struggles; too much is lost, too much is gone. "Just relax. Nothing bad will happen to you anymore." She gasps and she cries but the light goes away anyway.

The last thing she knows is Mako whispering you're safe now, my love into her ear.

vi. normal.

The first day after.

Mako was a protective person, Bolin can tell you. For the most part, that was a good thing. He really wasn't a bad person. Yeah, he did some bad things – some awful things – but he wasn't a bad person at his heart. He just . . . he wanted things to be okay. Safe.

The police arrived on the scene too late. The Avatar is wearing bloody clothes in a bloody bed, her eyes unseeing as they look upon the world. A red scarf is wrapped tenderly around her neck.

The Firebender has hung himself in the bedroom doorway. Before he killed himself he wrote all over the door I love her and she's safe now.

Bolin stares at the door with its messy writing and criss-crossing lines. They are so easy to step over when they're blurry like that.