Title: The Naked King
Pairings/Characters: Arthur/Merlin
Rating: PG-13 (but with a lot of nakedness)
Word count: ~2600
Summary: King Arthur has been enchanted with what could be A Very Dark Curse (or maybe not) and Merlin has to save him (or maybe he won't).
Disclaimer: Merlin is owned by the BBC and Shine. No copyright infringement intended.
Note: There be spoilers for Series 4 in general, but not to any specific plot point, except maybe for 4x05 (because I couldn't not include Queen Annis)

'This is not funny, Merlin,' Arthur said in a very affronted and exasperated voice.

Well, surely, no, it wasn't funny when you were the King of Camelot and something like this happened to you. But from an outsider point of view…Arthur had to admit it was at least worthy of a few giggles.

o0o

The first time it happened, Merlin almost didn't notice it. He was so used to Arthur gallivanting around in his room half-naked, that when the tunic Arthur had just put on was suddenly off again, Merlin just picked it up and dressed Arthur again, ignoring the dumbstruck look on his King's face.

It was only when he was alone in the armoury polishing Arthur's chainmail, and not-at-all thinking how it fit Arthur's back muscles so well, that Merlin realised the oddity of what had occurred that morning. Merlin shrugged it off as a symptom of too-much-naked-chest exposure on his part and didn't think twice about it.

ooo

The second time it happened was not un-noticeable. The knights and Arthur were on a hunting trip and had decided it was always more fun with someone to constantly pester, so Merlin was there too. Besides, it was more of a preserving-the-team-work-dynamic hunting trip than a bringing-back-yummy-meat-to-eat one, which meant that they needed Merlin to slave away in the outdoor kitchen. Merlin was always torn about those trips because he liked being with his buddies and getting the chance to try new recipes and feeling part a the group, but he absolutely hated having to sleep in the forest because the Druids were always bound to wake him up in the middle of the night to feed him vague and grandiloquent truths about his destiny, and he really thought that after freeing Kilgharrah he would be finished with this kind of cryptic nonsense (couldn't they, once, give him actual facts like times and places?).

So, they were on this hunting trip and it was night-time and everything was absolutely normal. They were all seating around a bonfire, eating and drinking and laughing; Gwaine was already sloshed and singing out of tune (this evening's selection was love ballads that seemed all to be referring to men with big arms), Leon and Elyan were having a very serious discussion about chivalry versus women's rights to be treated the same as men, and Percival was stuck being the one having to listen very attentively to Arthur rambling about what a terrible manservant Merlin was.

At one point, Arthur decided that they needed more mead and that Merlin was obviously too clumsy for such an important task, so he would get it himself, thank you very much. It was a great surprise to all present when he got up and his pants refused to get up with him.

Even if at first everyone went silent (even Gwaine) and stared at Arthur, they were all drunk enough to laugh it off, and, as the night went on, they all did and said much more stupid stuff to be ashamed of in the morning. (Merlin really wished it had not seemed such a good idea to start listing the children's names he had thought of for Arthur's progeny – he could still hear Gwaine trying to fit "Merlinette" instead of "Mary" in the lyrics of I Love Thee, My Fair Mary, by Emerick the Bard, and okay the chances of Arthur calling an eventual daughter Merlinette were thin, but damn was it a cute name for a little girl!)

ooo

The third time it happened…well, Merlin could completely understand why Arthur would be so furious.

It was the first official visit of Queen Annis since The Great Battle That Never Was, and everything had been studied to be the most welcoming and the most serious and the most Look-what-a-good-King-I-am-don't-you-want-to-sign-a-Peace-Treaty-with-me?, and frankly, if Merlin said so himself, it was all going very well. Merlin hadn't been given a lot of responsibilities except for polishing Arthur's crown and ceremonial sword and boots (and maybe it was why everything went so well with the preparation), but he could tell everyone in the castle knew how important this meeting would be and acted accordingly (even Agravaine had decided to wear light grey instead of black), to show how much an alliance with Queen Annis's kingdom meant to Camelot.

The Great Hall was gleaming and the sun was shining and everything was perfect when Queen Annis entered the room. Arthur was smiling very gorgeously (how could anyone not want to sign any treaty of any kind faced to that) when he got up from his throne to meet Queen Annis midway, and from his point of view, Merlin could see the warmth in her eyes. He almost started a fantasy in his head about how Queen Annis could become the mother Arthur never had and she would read to him before bed and bring him soup and cookies when he was feeling sick and scold him when he was too much of a prat towards Merlin, but it was a good thing he reined himself in, because otherwise he would have missed it.

As Arthur arrived a few feet from Queen Annis and extended his arm to greet her, his tunic flew off him and his pants fell down all at once. Both monarchs froze, and the girl on whom the royal shirt had landed literally swooned, and Merlin jumped in to help Arthur get his pants back up. He did much better than the last time it had happened in public, and Merlin could see on his scarlet-from-embarrassment face that Arthur was grateful for that.

Merlin tried to pry Arthur's shirt from the girl's claws, but she was now rolling on the floor draped in the tunic and Merlin didn't think starting (and most likely losing) a tug-of-war was very appropriate at the moment, so Arthur would have to stay on team skin for now. Arthur did seem to mind though (and how ironic was that, really?), and kept alternatively glancing and glaring at Merlin as if he wanted him to read his thoughts. Merlin thought maybe there was some sort of code in the way he blinked, but couldn't tell for sure.

Luckily, Queen Annis seemed to understand Arthur's unspoken language and finally came to his help. She put her hand on Merlin's shoulder and told him in a very slow and articulate voice, 'I think your master would like you to lend him your tunic.'

o0o

So that was how, the following morning, despite trying everything but magic, Merlin couldn't manage to get Arthur dressed, and neither could he keep himself from letting out a few snorts. What had been punctual and independent occurrences seemed now to have become a permanent fixture, and Arthur's body appeared to be rejecting any and all clothes.

When he put his tunic on, it would automatically try to break free, and if Arthur held it in place in his fists, his pants would then fall down. His pieces of clothing didn't want to be on his body at the same time, and putting back his pants on would cause his shirt to leave. In fact his clothes didn't want to be on his body at all.

They tried with other clothes with the same results. They tried with chain mail and armour and they tried sewing his shirt and pants together, but none of it worked. Arthur drew the line at Merlin's gown suggestion and Merlin couldn't say he was not a little displeased. (Just for that, Merlin decided not to share his idea of coating Arthur's body with sticking paste, even if he knew it would probably be very efficient and maybe pleasurable for all parties involved.)

At last, when Arthur couldn't stand it anymore and begged Merlin to please! be bloody serious, there was only one thing left to do.

'I have to go and ask Gaius,' Merlin said, really resolutely. Going and asking Gaius had always been a very good place to start when solving any kind of mystery.

Arthur wasn't so happy about people knowing about his predicament and said as much, but conceded that Merlin was too useless to be the only one in the know. He had to get dressed, after all, if he wanted Queen Annis to accept to sign a Treaty. Merlin objected that if he himself was Queen Annis and a naked King presented him with a Treaty to sign, he would not hesitate one second, even if his signature bound him to offer his first-born to Satan. Arthur spluttered in answering that this was the reason why Merlin would never be King.

ooo

'This obviously is the feat of very dark magic,' Gaius declared.

'Is it?' Arthur didn't seem so sure.

'Yes, my Lord,' Gaius went on, his eyebrow confirming that it was Very Serious Business. 'Someone must have enchanted you, so that you wouldn't sign the Peace Treaty with the Queen Annis. Perhaps they hope to start a war between your kingdoms. The only way to break the spell is to find out who did it.'

'Very well!' Merlin exclaimed, 'let's start investigating!'

He went for the door, but a cry from Arthur stopped him. 'You certainly can't be the one doing the investigation, Merlin!'

'Sire, I can assure you that Merlin is very well able to do it,' Gaius answered, and Merlin was thankful he was not the only one believing in himself, for once.

'But…I need Merlin to…attend me,' Arthur hesitated. Merlin started imagining ways of attending Arthur in this state and wondered why he would want to break the enchantment, really, but Arthur interrupted his daydreaming, 'What if someone comes in while I'm like this? What if it is the sorcerer responsible for this? Maybe their aim is to murder me! I need Merlin at least to send nosy nobles on their way!'

Arthur seemed to become a little hysterical at this and Gaius took it as his cue to leave. Merlin wasn't so sure he wanted to stay alone with Arthur when he had these crazy eyes, even if he was naked, but it was after all his job to suffer through all of Arthur's shenanigans.

'Hm, we can ask a sentinel to guard your door and instruct them to let no one in except Gaius and me,' Merlin suggested. Arthur seemed kind of dubious about this and no one could blame him really, considering the average Camelot guard's track record. 'Or if you want, we can ask Leon and Percival to do it,' Merlin amended. Arthur's worried face softened.

'All right, very well. But…what about Guinevere?'

'What about her?'

'Well, she sometimes randomly wanders into my rooms and certainly Leon and Percival will let her in, and what if when she sees me like this it makes her want to…? You know.' Arthur didn't seem so thrilled about the idea.

'Oh, I wouldn't worry about that!' Merlin said confidently. Gwen had always seemed to Merlin like a wildflowers-rainbows-little-furry-animals-and-sunshine kind of girl more than a gorgeous-naked-kingly-bits one, so he thought Arthur's virtue was quite safe from her side (but the more Merlin was exposed to Arthur's glorious nakedness, the more he doubted Arthur would be absolutely safe from his own side).

'If this happens, you'll just have to explain in very clear words that you don't like her like that.' His idea appeased Arthur and Merlin thought he really was on a good streak. 'And please,' he went on, 'don't be a prat about it.'

When Merlin left, Arthur was still nodding in a very confused sort of way.

o0o

Finding the culprit wasn't that difficult, and maybe it hadn't been that obviously a feat of very dark magic.

Merlin had found her one hallway away from Arthur's chambers, walking towards them in a sighing manner. Well, to be honest, Merlin hadn't really found her. It was more of the opposite that had happened, because when they crossed path, it was she who stopped him.

'Oh, Merlin! Tell me! Tell me, please!' The girl said in a very high-pitched and very annoying voice. Merlin recognized her as one of the seamstresses who'd made Arthur's new nightshift. He remembered she already sighed a lot then and he wondered if maybe it was some kind of medical affliction.

'Has he decided yet to rule Camelot all bare and for ever?' She asked with big, big eyes and her hands joined under her chin. The question obviously caught Merlin's attention. He had not once imagined that a situation as she described could be the result of the enchantment, but found that it was not so bad an idea.

'Excuse me,' he said in a very polite voice, 'but are you responsible for the spell the King is under?'

'Yes, of course,' she said before sighing a little more, and Merlin thought that he really aced this investigation business, ignoring her when she said, 'Isn't King Arthur so dreamy, Merlin?'

ooo

'And she escaped?' Arthur asked, completely and utterly outraged.

He was sitting on his throne, fully clothed and with a deep frown. Queen Annis had just left after the successful finalisation of the Peace Treaty and only now could Arthur at last grill Merlin on how he managed to lift the spell in such a timely fashion.

Merlin nodded his answer to Arthur's question, even if it was not entirely the truth. Merlin had just scolded the girl and made her promise never to dabble in magic again, making her understand that it could have brought her to her death by execution. The girl had stopped sighing at that and seemed quite resolute not to try and make Camelot the Kingdom with a Naked King ever again. She had to understand, Merlin thought, that Camelot was the Kingdom with a Very Often Half-Naked King already, and there was no need to push it.

'I can't believe you let a little girl escape, Merlin! You really are the worst manservant of all times!'

Merlin had his head bowed and used Arthur's rant-time to think about what he would bring Arthur for his supper. Merlin always fought with the cook because he wanted to be innovative and imaginative with the menus, but she was basically a culinary reactionary. Maybe he could trick her with some sweet and savoury mix? When he tuned him back in, Arthur had finished berating him, but Merlin couldn't help but feel like he'd missed something really important, because Arthur was grinning from ear to ear and looking at him with a very devious look in his eyes.

o0o

'This is not funny, Arthur,' Merlin said in a very affronted and exasperated voice.

Well, no, it was not funny at all, because Merlin had been punished with doing all the chores that took place in Arthur's room naked and polishing a sword like this had made him very anxious for his man(servant)hood. Arthur, after giggling in his hands like a child for several hours, seemed at last to agree with him. He was staring at Merlin with a Very Serious Look on his face and Merlin had to wonder where this change of behaviour came from.

'Hm…Arthur?'

Arthur didn't answer and kept on staring at Merlin and Merlin wondered if maybe he had an ugly scar or something so he looked at himself too.

Oh. Yes, okay. Maybe cleaning Arthur's bed in the nude hadn't been so unpleasant, after all. And maybe Arthur had noticed. And couldn't stop noticing. Merlin could deal with that. Arthur did not seem very inclined to move, entranced as he was, so Merlin took his hand and tugged him towards the bed.

'Say, Arthur, wasn't the point of the Round Table for all of us to be equal and things?'

Arthur didn't appear to get it at first, but when he finally did, he seemed more than agreeable to this equality by nakedness Merlin was suggesting. He showed his agreement very enthusiastically and for a long time and Merlin was really glad he'd let the girl go, because thanks to that, there were soon promises of more and more naked times in his future; and maybe if anyone had told him this about his destiny, he'd listened with a little more attention.

ooo

And thus Arthur became the Naked King (of the bedroom).

Fin