Me: Just an idea I couldn't get out of my head. Hope you like it. It was written while watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey. So, I apologize for any residual stupidity that may have snuck its way into this story.

Enjoy!

The regular noise of the supermarket was set off nicely by the popular music from five years ago playing on the intercom, occasionally interrupted by announcements about sales and requests for cleanup in aisle 2.

"Sasuke, why do we have to be here?" Naruto whined, dragging his feet and drooping his shoulders.

The last (or, second-to-last…or third-to-last?) Uchiha picked up an apple, coolly ignoring his best friend. "I have shopping to do."

"But why did I have to come along?" Naruto complained.

Sasuke sent him a withering look. "You begged me to let you come, Naruto," he reminded him.

"Yeah, but I didn't think it was gonna be this boring!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, walking further down the row of fruit. "Go talk to Kiba, then," he suggested.

Naruto perked up. He had forgotten that Kiba had tagged along on this venture…where was he, anyway?

"Kiba…hey, Kiba…come out, come out, wherever you are!" Naruto called, walking down the baking products aisle.

"Now if I was a dog-boy, where would I be?" Naruto muttered to himself, scratching his head.

"Aasdkghdkfbglsd!" shouted Kiba, as he jumped out from behind a stack of Crisco.

"Aaaaaaaghckkkk!" shrieked Naruto, jumping in fright.

"Oh sorry, I thought you were that crazy psycho woman that's always following me around," said Kiba, noticeably calmer.

Naruto was confused. "You mean…your mom?"

"Yeah, her."

"Well…I'm not her."

"Yeah…"

"So…"

"Yeah."

They stared at each other in silence for a few more seconds, before they both broke out in face-splitting grins and ran whooping down the aisle.

"In a world, bereft of justice…one man…must save them all…one mission…one chance…he is…Uzumaki Naruto, peach warrior." Naruto muttered in his best movie-announcer voice.

Wrapping his fingers around one of the smaller peaches, he crouched behind the small stand, waiting for the right chance to strike. "He is a beacon in the night, a lone cowboy on a forgotten road…for he is about to his most formidable foe – Kiba of the Bad Breath."

"I never agreed to that name," Kiba mumbled tersely from the other side of the small fruit stand. Naruto shushed him, then continued in his exaggeratedly deep voice. "And their final battle, the one that will decide the fate of all humanity…will take place today!"

And with a tremendous war cry, the two boys jumped out from their respective hiding places and threw their chosen weapons at each other.

While Kiba grunted at the mild hurt of a semi-unripe peach hitting his forehead, Naruto again shrieked in pain, falling backwards onto his behind. Kiba's chosen fruit weapon lay beside him. "A PINEAPPLE?" he yelped, holding his face. "YOU CHOSE A PINEAPPLE? THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Naruto accused.

Kiba shrugged. "Hey, you said whatever fruit we wanted."

"PINEAPPLES DON'T COUNT! THEY'RE SPIKY!"

"Well, duh."

Naruto sighed angrily, picking himself up and rubbing his face. "Okay, okay, fine…next round, no pineapples."

"You got it, peach warrior."

"W-Well when you say it like that, it sounds lame!"

"Hey. Hey, Kiba."

Kiba looked up from his trashy magazine. "Uh?"

"Look at that kid over there."

Kiba obediently looked, spying a child in a blue shirt with his mother a few aisles away. He then looked at Naruto, whose face was screwed up in suspicion and loathing. Kiba glanced back at the kid. "What about him?"

"He's a dick."

Kiba raised an eyebrow. "Naruto, that kid is eight, at most. How can you tell he's a dick?"

"Cause of the way he's looking at me. Cocky little bastard…"

Kiba was half-amused, half-incredulous. "Seriously, Naruto? Seriously?"

"That look on his face. Little dick-kid, I know he's making fun of me."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"Cause he's a dick, that's how!"

Kiba sighed and looked back down at the article he was reading (Who Wore It Worst?), leaving Naruto to lean up against the magazine rack and glare at the unsuspecting kid.

"Hey, where's Sasuke?"

"Eh, who cares?"

-elsewhere-

"$5.40 FOR TOMATOES? BLASPHEMY!"

Kiba and Naruto ambled down the frozen food aisle, Kiba's fingers laced behind his head, Naruto's hands in his pockets.

"Hey, breadsticks."

"You like breadsticks?"

"Who doesn't like breadsticks? Breadsticks and pie…mmmm…"

"Apple pie?"

"No…peach."

"Okay, shut up about that. My face still hurts, you jerk."

Suddenly, the two of them spied a certain blue-shirted child standing in front of the ice cream section. Naruto tensed, but Kiba shot him a look. "Naruto, just keep walking, okay?"

"It's…him."

"Yeah, I know, you only bitched about him for about fifteen minutes."

They were approaching the kid, who was so engrossed in his ice cream that he didn't notice the two of them. Naruto's mouth twisted in a sort of pout, and he stared at the kid as he passed almost a foot away from him. Kiba eyed the blonde warily.

Unfortunately, Kiba was watching the wrong person, and didn't even get to warn Naruto before the boy in the blue shirt turned around, a curious look on his face. His stepped towards Naruto, grasping his arm, and leaned down to clamp his teeth on it.

Naruto immediately screeched, yanking his arm away so fast the kid stumbled a bit. Kiba stared in utter shock, not believing what he was seeing. Naruto stared at his arm, wide-eyed and silent, until he looked back up at the kid. "You…you bit me," he said, strangely hollow. "You broke skin!" His voice cracked a little on the last word. Kiba swallowed thickly, and the kid just stood there, smiling cluelessly.

All of a sudden, an idea entered the two boys' minds. They had, after all, just spent the last half-hour anticipating each other's moves in the epic Fruit War. They were now in sync, in some freaky kind of way, and that deliciously devious idea formed at exactly the same time, in exactly the same way.

"HOLY FUCK, YOU BIT ME!" Naruto screamed, clutching his arm.

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" Kiba started shouting, looking wildly between Naruto and the kid, his expression frenzied.

"JESUS CHRIST, KIBA, HE BIT ME, HE BIT ME!" Naruto looked at Kiba, as if pleading with him for salvation.

Kiba tried to reason with him. "Maybe – maybe he didn't swallow any blood!" He said shakily, desperately.

"OF COURSE HE SWALLOWED IT, HE'S A KID! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD…"

"Well maybe he won't get infected!"

"KIBA, DON'T YOU SEE? HE BIT ME! HE SWALLOWED IT! IT'S IN HIS SYSTEM NOW!"

They were now causing quite a ruckus, and the kid was beginning to look very frightened indeed. He had no idea what was going on, just that two older boys were now screaming and shouting right in front of him.

There was a small crowd gathered at each end of the aisle, watching the exchange. From the end of the aisle closest to the entrance, a woman burst forth from the small group, hurrying up to her son. "Just what is going on here?" she demanded, looking from Kiba to Naruto.

Naruto immediately turned on her, and she jumped a bit at his volume. "LADY, YOUR KID BIT ME!"

The woman took on an offended expression. "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see why that's a reason to – "

Kiba interrupted, his hands offered palm-up in a 'why, god?' position. "No, you don't understand, this is serious!"

The woman took hold of her child's hand and tugged him away from the two frantic boys. "Look, I apologize for my son biting you, but – "

Naruto showed his arm to her, teeth marks and broken skin clearly visible, and she cringed. "LADY, YOUR KID BROKE SKIN - AND I'M HIV POSITIVE!"

The kid began to cry, and the woman looked shell-shocked. Kiba had taken to holding his face in his hands, moaning about the unfairness of it all, and Naruto just stared at the woman, lower lip trembling, still holding his bitten arm.

"Naruto. Kiba."

Both Kiba and Naruto froze up, slowly turning around, only to find Sasuke glaring at them with narrowed eyes, shopping bag hanging off his crooked elbow, arms crossed over his chest. "We're leaving," he said, in a deadly calm voice. "Now."

Gulping, both the blonde and the brunette nodded dutifully, walking shamefully over to stand in front of the Uchiha.

"Sorry, Sasuke," Naruto mumbled, while Kiba bowed his head, looking remorseful.

Sasuke said nothing, just turned around and began walking away. Naruto and Kiba trotted behind him, heads down, looking miserable.

"Hey, wait a minute!" The mother called from behind them, a note of hysteria to her voice. "Does he really have HIV? Is this a joke?"

Sasuke paused, looking over his shoulder. Naruto and Kiba once again stiffened, glancing at each other uneasily.

Sasuke's tone was as dead as his gaze. "If I were you," he said quietly, but loud enough for the woman to hear, "…I'd get my son looked at. Immediately."

The woman went wide-eyed, freezing up much as the two boys had done, while her child still cried beside her.

Sasuke turned back around and kept walking, while Kiba and Naruto hid their gleeful smiles by keeping their eyes on the floor.

Best day ever, they both thought happily.

"And that was what happened today at the supermarket!" Naruto finished cheerfully.

Sasuke leaned back in his chair, impassive, while Kakashi smiled mysteriously behind his mask.

Sakura's head had dropped dejectedly sometime during the story, a dark stormcloud forming above her. "Naruto…" she muttered, her tone bleak.

"And they all lived happily ever after!" Naruto proclaimed, then promptly dug into his fifth bowl of ramen.

Me: …ta-daa…