I like you to take into consideration that I haven't actually seen the series yet *pouts* But when I do I'll either correct my mistakes or simply delete the whole thing. And of course I don't own these characters, someone else does and I make no money what so ever from this. Please don't sue me I'm poor enough as it is! *sniffle*

Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.

Notes: Okay a few things here. This story takes place a little more than five years after Yuki and Shuichi first met so most things that seem OOC can probably be explained with that, at least in my head. Time changes people and people changes people… The disease I use in this fic is sticking to the truth as far as possible, however I have probably hurried up some things with it. Now a few of the outcomes are very unusual today due to the progress in treatments but since I'm a writer I've taken the liberty of simply ignoring that. And if you thought I would just give you the disease in question you are so wrong *hehe*. The same goes for other medical stuff that appears. I've tried to keep it as close to reality as I can but I'm only human.

What else? Ah of course. Writing in Italic are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible.

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

Oh dear I better let you start reading now um if you're still with me??? *pokes* Sorry for babbling so much… *shuts up*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 1. The Beginning Of The End

Yuki Eiri looked around his apartment and took another drag from his cigarette. It was almost dawn and he still hadn't gone to bed. Actually he hadn't been near his bed for two days but the tiredness he felt didn't come from lack of sleep. His laptop hummed faithfully infront of him but he hadn't touched it in months, he just turned it on to have something to stare at. The desk was littered with empty cigarettepacks and beercans. Slowly the novelist closed his eyes and with sadness he pondered over the last year of his life.

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A year ago…
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A loud voice cut through the air as a young man bounced through the dark apartment.
"YUKI!" he screamed and more or less threw himself at his lover. The taller man rolled his eyes and almost smiled.
"Shuichi, you'll wake up the whole building if you don't calm down," the novelist muttered but he still hugged the body pressed against his.
"Sorry Yuki. I forgot how late it is," the bundle of energy whispered before he started coughing. "I hate being sick." Eiri ran his hand through pink hair.
"You really shouldn't be singing when you have that cough," he stated softly.
"I know but we need to finish the album this week so the cough will have to wait." Yuki rolled his eyes again.
"Make yourself some tea and I'll be out as soon as I've finished this chapter," the blonde said before gently freeing himself from the genki mass of pink that he had in his lap.
"Okay," Shuichi agreed and trotted out of the small room. If he had known from the beginning that Shuichi would have left him alone to get his work done in peace if he had just asked nicely, things would probably have been a whole lot easier. Five years ago Yuki had acted diffrently towards his younger lover but time had managed to break down parts of the wall surrounding him. Eiri wasn't the only one who had changed over the years. The vocalist had become tougher and had actually calmed down a little, only a tiny bit but it still meant that the world had become a safer place for sensative ears, he had also stopped crying every time the novelist did something cold or mean to him. Not that that happened as often anymore. The blonde smiled after his lover and returned to the laptop. It had always surprised him that they had managed to stick together all that time and he knew all too well that the one who had struggled the hardest to reach that goal was Shuichi. The vocalist had refused to give up even though he had been hurt so many times by all the hard words and mean actions Yuki had carried out. They still had fights and the novelist could still lose his temper but not like he used to. One genki singer had changed his way of life and Eiri didn't mind at all. The novelist smiled to himself. He realized that he wouldn't be able to write anything more that evening so he shut down his laptop and left the chair he had been sitting in for hours.

A noise pulled him from his sleep and he frowned slightly. Shuichi usally didn't get up as early as he used to so Yuki opened his eyes to see if his lover was still in bed. He heard the noise again. Coughing. The novelist frowned deeper and got out off bed. He didn't like the sound of that cough and followed it towards the bathroom. Slowly he pushed the door open and froze at the sight before him. A slight form hunched over the toilet shaking from the coughs that sounded like they were trying to tear his insides out.
"Shu?" Yuki asked softly and kneeled beside him. His lover panted for air and looked up at him. He was just about to say something when another wave of deep hacking coughs interrupted him. It was so bad he had to vomit. The novelist put his arm around Shuichi's shoulders and tried to calm him down. "How long have it been this bad?" he asked even though he knew his lover wouldn't be able to answer. The smaller man's clothes were drenched with sweat and his eyes bloodshot from all the hard coughing. After what seemed to be half a lifetime they finally died out and Shuichi sunk down on the floor. Worried and scared Eiri picked up his lover and carried him back to bed. Carefully the novelist took off the sweaty shirt and pants and began cleaning the younger man with a wet towel. Shuichi was still struggling to get enough air and his face was pale.
"I'm… sorry I woke you," he panted and shuddered under the cold towel. Yuki frowned at him.
"Don't be stupid Shu! How long has it been this bad?" The blonde's voice was harsh but not from anger.
"Just this week. It's nothing, really Yuki. I'll be fine in a few days." Eiri glared at him.
"You're going to the doctors tomorrow! Either by yourself of with me!" he growled. "That is no normal cough you have there."
"But I…"
"No buts Shuichi! I'll call first thing tomorrow morning and I'll drag you there kicking and screaming if I have to!" The smaller man pouted and glared back at his lover.
"Fine! I'll go but I'll go alone… if that's okay with you Mommy," the vocalist muttered with sarcasm in his tired voice. He got another hard glare from the blonde. Instead of saying anything else Yuki pulled the quilt over him and then left his side to get a blanket. He was worried about Shuichi. Colds were one thing but that cough was something else.

Shuichi slowly left the hospital and headed home. His face was serious and his eyes filled with tears. The doctor's words still echoed inside his head and he desperatly tried to push them away. It was the third time that week he had been to the hospital and he still hadn't told Yuki. He just couldn't, didn't want to. As he approched their building he wiped the sad look off his face and replaced it with his normal cheerful smile. It faultered a moment before he opened the door and stepped inside their apartment.
"Ah there you are," a soft voice said and Shuichi smiled at his lover.
"Sorry I'm late I got stopped a lot. Fans have no shame at all." Yuki grunted something and reached out to him. But instead of willingly coming up to be hugged and kissed, as he normally did, the vocalist heading for the kitchen. "I'll start dinner right away." He ignored the confused look he got from the novelist who followed him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Is something wrong Shu?" he asked and turned the smaller man around to look at his face.
"No, everything is fine," Shuichi smiled and pulled away. "I'm just really hungry."
"Hn." He could feel Yuki staring at his back for a moment before he left. The moment he was alone Shuichi dropped his smile. Why can't I just tell him? the vocalist asked himself.

Eiri fumbled after his lover and woke up when his hands found nothing. That was the fourth time that week he had woken up to find himself alone in their bad. But something told him that he had been sleeping alone for some time. Quietly he got up and went out to the livingroom. Just as the other times he found Shuichi asleep on the couch. Something wasn't right but for some strange reason his lover refused to talk about it. They hadn't touched each other for over a week and everytime the blonde tried to get close the vocalist pulled away, making up excuses. For someone who loved closeness as much as Shuichi it was an abnormal behaviour but no matter how hard Yuki pushed to find out why, the younger man refused to give in.
"Shu what's wrong?" the blonde asked his sleeping lover. "Is there something I've done? Didn't do?" It hurt not to know, to be excluded like that but what could he do? He'd just have to wait until Shuichi was ready to tell him. With a deep unhappy sigh Yuki went back to bed. Maybe he just don't want me to catch the flu from him? the novelist pondered as he stared at the ceiling. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore? Eiri shuddered at that thought. Losing Shuichi would be more than he could handle. During the years that had passed his love for the genki singer had grown so much that the shear thought of being without him made the novelist completely numb. The familier sound of coughing pulled him away from his thoughts. It stopped quickly though and after a while Yuki heard the frontdoor close. Confused he got up again and walked over to the window. He saw his lover slowly walked past the building slightly bent over. Even though the blonde couldn't hear it he knew that Shuichi was coughing badly.
"Why are you trying to hide this from me?" Yuki asked as he watched the pink haired vocalist disappear around the corner.

Exhausted from coughing Shuichi fell to his knees while he threw up again and again. It was worse than ever and the only thing he managed to spit out was phlegm mixed with blood. His lungs and head were aching and his body was drenched with sweat. Shakingly he wiped his face. The vocalist knew that he wouldn't be able to hide his secret from his lover much longer but he didn't know what to say, how to explain. He would have to say something though because in three days he was leaving the country. There had to be a way, a way that meant that Yuki didn't have to find out. Tired and hurting all over Shuichi got off the ground and started walking slowly. He had to talk to someone. But who could he trust? After a moment he nodded to himself. The vocalist stopped on the sidewalk and waited patiently until a he saw a cab and waved at it. He wheezed when he breathed and had to repeat himself twice before the driver understood where he wanted to go. When the car stopped again he paid the man and slowly walked up to the house infront of him. It was late but the light was still turned on in one of the rooms. Instead of ringing the doorbell Shuichi headed for the window and quietly knocked on it. A face showed up and gave him a confused look.
"What are you doing here?" the man asked after having opened the window.
"I need to talk to you, please," the vocalist pleaded and got a nod.
"I'll let you in."

Touma smiled at his brother-in-law.
"Of course you have to go Eiri," he objected and got a glare from the taller man.
"I can't leave Shuichi, he isn't well!"
"Eiri he's not a kid! And if you're that concerned about him I'll promise to look after him for you," Touma sighed. "You'll only be gone for five days." He knew Yuki would give in eventually if he just presisted hard enough. "Besides Shindou-san and the rest of the band will be in Kyoto from Wednesday to Friday."
"I don't think he should go Touma. He's not well!" the taller blonde growled with dislike. "He should be in bed!"
"You've turned into such a mother-hen Eiri," Touma chuckled softly. "I said I'll look after him, he'll be fine and so will you." For a moment Yuki glared at him before he sighed.
"Fine, fine I'll go! But only because you're naggin me about it," the novelist growled. Touma smiled warmly and patted the younger man's shoulder. "And make sure he gets enough rest!"
"I will Eiri, I will. Now go get packed the limo will pick you up in half an hour." Yuki glared at him for a moment and then threw his hands in the air.
"Why can't everybody just mind their own business?" he asked loudly and trotted off to the bedroom to get packed. The minute the novelist had left the smile on Touma's face died.
"I'm sorry for tricking you like this Eiri but I made a promise."

By: Atsureki