A/N: A fair warning, I cried while writing this chapter. Special trigger for cancer in this one, as well as self harm, suicidal thoughts, and murder. God, I need to start writing fluff.

Also, this is part one of this chapter. Part two will be up soon, I promise :)

"A young boy today drowned in the pool at a school sports tournament. Carl Powers, champion swimmer, had come up to London from Brighton to compete in today's events."

"It seems he had a fit in the water and drowned. By the time they got him out, doctors say, it was too late."

"No reports of any pre-existing medical conditions."

"Family friends plead for his parents' privacy."

"Carl was set to graduate at the end of this school year. He was eighteen years old."

Sebastian shut off the television, but didn't turn to look at Jim, who sat huddled at the end of his sofa. "Wh-what you said yesterday," he stammered when he finally worked up the ability to speak. "Christ, Jim, I didn't think you'd do it."

Jim shrugged and rubbed his sleeve over his cuts, trying to distract himself. "I.. It's survival," he started, but he was quickly cut off.

"No, Jim," Sebastian shouted, turning to face his student. "Reporting him is survival. Switching schools is survival. Killing him?! Killing, James. You have killed a man, James. No, you've killed a kid." Jim didn't speak, simply kept his eyes down and waited for it to be over. Sebastian kept shouting, but Jim just tuned him out, closing his eyes and pressing hard on the sleeve of his jumper. The hole in his chest had only been growing bigger and bigger in the week that he'd waited, and he finally felt like he'd managed to close it when he saw Carl spasming in the water, but now Sebastian was just ripping it back open.

"James, are you even listening to me?" Sebastian asked, shoving Jim's shoulder. Jim flinched and curled inwards before recognising that it was Sebastian and that he wasn't going to get hurt. "I-I," he stammered. "James, come on," Sebastian prompted. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that it's him or me, Seb," Jim snapped, turning to face his friend. "I was thinking that I was scared to come to school and scared to be at home so where the hell was I safe? I was thinking.. I was thinking that maybe I'd be safe if I died. But then you fucking came along and I thought maybe someone might care. So the only way to be safe was for him to go." He was shouting, despite his voice breaking and tears starting to come into his eyes. In his shouting, he hadn't noticed the sleeves of his too-big jumper sliding down and showing the rows upon rows of angry cuts and scars that littered his right arm.

"J-Jim," Sebastian said quietly, reaching a hand forward. Jim started to snap back at him when he noticed his arm and quickly grabbed it back, tugging down the sleeve. "Fell through a window," he lied quickly. Sebastian shook his head, holding an arm out silently. Jim sighed and slowly held out his arm, letting Sebastian push up his sleeves.

"Why?" Sebastian whispered, looking up at Jim with tear-filled eyes. "Jim.. I didn't... I couldn't even tell.."

Jim simply shrugged, going numb inside. "Doesn't matter," he mumbled.

Sebastian scoffed and shook his head, gently wiping away a trickle of blood from a cut that had re-opened with Jim's rubbing on it. "It matters. These aren't nothing, mate," he said softly. "It's... You've been hurting, and I haven't been helping." He shook his head again and wiped his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Jimmy..."

Jim shrugged again, swallowing thickly when he felt a lump in his throat. "I said it doesn't matter, Seb. Please, just leave it... You don't have to care, okay?"

"You think I'm doing this because I have to?" Sebastian asked in disbelief, looking up at his friend. "Jim, come on. I wouldn't be risking my job by having you here if I didn't genuinely care about you." Jim didn't say anything, didn't even move this time. So Sebastian sighed and kept talking, wrapping his arms around his friend in a tight hug. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, closing his eyes and hugging Jim close. "About Carl, about everything. I should've noticed, should've done more."

Jim stayed silent for a while, his face pressed into Sebastian's chest. "Please don't hate me," he begged after a few minutes. For once, he sounded vulnerable. Less of the brave teenager Sebastian had become so accustomed to hearing. Jim sounded like a little kid. Scared, confused, and needing someone to comfort him. Sebastian smiled softly and shook his head. "I don't hate you, Jimmy. I couldn't."

Jim nodded, swallowing again and wiping his eyes. He hated crying, and he certainly wouldn't cry in front of Sebastian. "Thanks," he mumbled, lifting his head up to look at his friend. "Means, um.. Means a lot." He cleared his throat and sat up, glancing around. "So... What now?"

Sebastian laughed and shrugged, turning and putting his feet up on the coffee table. "Keep you out of jail, I guess," he answered honestly. Jim managed a small laugh and nodded. "Yeah, that'd be nice," he joked. He leaned back against the pillows and closed his eyes, hiding a wince of discomfort when he tugged on a muscle around a bruised rib. "Mind if I crash here tonight? I'd rather not go home."

"Not at all," Sebastian said, taking a swig of beer and turning the television back on. He forced himself to pretend that things were still normal, like nothing had happened. "Hell, you're here so damn much, might as well live here."

Jim raised an eyebrow, looking at his friend. "Think so?" Sebastian nodded and shrugged. "Might be nice having a flatmate," he said, glancing over at Jim. "If you weren't still living with your Dad." Jim shrugged. "I don't know if I'll be there much longer," he admitted, pulling out his Mam's locket and gently running his fingers over it.

"You do get to go to uni soon," Sebastian pointed out. He raised an eyebrow when he saw Jim pull out the locket. "What's that?"

Jim blushed and slid it back into his pocket. "It um.. It was Mam's," he explained quietly. "I kept it after she died."

Sebastian nodded understandingly. "What happened to her?" he asked, watching Jim's reaction carefully. "You don't have to tell me if you don't.. If you're not comfortable with that."

Jim shrugged, looking down and picking at his fingernails. "She got cancer when I was six," he started quietly. "We were still living in Ireland. Nobody told me this till years later, but it was terminal right from the start. She um.. She died a few months later. My Dad wasn't there, it was just me and her. I-I remember holding her hand and she told me she loved me one last time, I think she knew it was happening. The monitor.. It flatlined, and the nurse tried to pull me off her, but I wouldn't go." He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat, forcing himself not to cry. "Dad never came to see her. And he wouldn't let me say goodbye at her funeral. We moved a week later, so I-I never got to say goodbye to her." He hiccuped and took in a shaky breath, running his fingers over her locket again. "Goddamnit, I miss her, Seb... I really fucking miss her."

Sebastian simply sat silently, listening and forcing himself not to cry. "Oh, Jim," he whispered, hugging his friend close again and holding him while he cried. "God, I'm so sorry... I'm so so sorry..."

Jim cried until he physically couldn't any more, finally letting himself get it all out and be comforted. It was oddly relieving to tell someone, yet at the same time so terrifying to feel vulnerable like that. Sebastian left when Jim asked him to, giving his friend time alone. Jim collapsed into a little ball and feel asleep sobbing, curled up in a ball on the sofa with his sneakers still on.