Fanfiction.net's back up! Yay! Woohoo! Although I must say it timed its downtime perfectly over my most important exams. Well done ff.n

I was searching for a Cinderella fanfic and I found some Cinderella/Harry Potter crossovers. I realised that I would have done Cinderella entirely differently.

(eg. http://www.fanfiction.ws/read.php?storyid=155043, http://www.fanfiction.ws/read.php?storyid=542666)

Anyway, here's mine. Bon appetit.

(Enter Indigo Ziona, narrator, hereafter known as IZ, Harry, Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, Draco, Hermione, Cho and Sirius)

IZ Right you lot, I want a decent Cinderella parody. All right? It's very simple, I'll tell you your roles. Harry – you're CinderHarry.

(Dudley wets himself with laughter)

IZ You've been abused and made to work your fingers to the bone by your wicked stepfather.

Vernon Uncle!

IZ All right, uncle. Got that?

Harry Er, I think so.

IZ Dudley, you're Harry's wicked stepbrother –

Dudley Cousin!

IZ (thoughtful) And he really needs two of them – I know! Draco, you can be his other wicked cousin.

Draco No way am I being Potter's cousin. I'm definitely not living with Muggles.

IZ You'll get to yell as much abuse at Harry as you want.

Draco I can do that in Snape's lessons anyway.

IZ I'll buy you a Firebolt…

Draco How? You haven't got any wizard money.

IZ No, but I'm the author and that makes me omnipotent.

Hermione Doesn't that mean you could make him do it?

IZ Oh… yes. OK, Harry, Vernon, Petunia, Dudley and Draco, your first scene starts in a moment. You can now leave for your dressing rooms.

Harry Thanks

(Exeunt)

IZ Riight… Sirius, you're Harry's wizard Godfather. You'll turn up in about the third scene.

Sirius Thanks, I'll enjoy it… (Exit Sirius)

IZ Now all we need is the beautiful princess.

(Hermione and Cho look at each other.)

Cho We'll have to marry him at the end, right?

IZ Yup. (thinks) I think a Harry/Hermione relationship might be a little lacking in attraction based on shallow things like physical beauty which always prevail in fairy tales. Fortunately, Harry actually fancies Cho – you're the princess, Cho.

Hermione It's all right, I was going to take Viktor to the Ball anyway.

Cho Do I have to?

IZ Yes. Now… Scene one!

---

The Tale of CinderHarry

An Indigo Ziona Production

With a cast of several, mainly stolen from Harry Potter, all completely owned by J.K. Rowling. Don't sue me, I'm not making money out of my writing although one day I'll write that novel…

Starring – Harry Potter as CinderHarry

Vernon Dursley as the wicked Muggle uncle

Petunia Dursley as the wicked Muggle aunt

Dudley Dursley as the wicked Muggle cousin

Draco Malfoy as the other wicked cousin who is actually a wizard

Sirius Black as the Wizard Godfather (no Mafia references please)

Professor Dumbledore as King Dumbledore

Cho Chang as Princess Cho

IZ OK, I'm the narrator. I get to use this cool italicky thing, see? Funky, huh?

Once upon a time, in Privet Drive, Surrey, there lived a girl who was as beautiful as she was good.

Harry Hey!

Uh, that is, a boy whose hairstyle was as scruffy as he was good. He lived with his wicked Uncle and Aunt, and his two horrible cousins, Dudley and Draco.

Dudley That's me.

Draco Why do I have to live with these stupid Muggles??

They made Harry work his fingers to the bone.

Petunia Cook the breakfast! I want everything perfect for Duddy's birthday.

Draco And mine.

Petunia Now I don't think…

Draco (Holds out his wand, threateningly) And mine!!

Petunia Uh, of course, sweetums.

Draco (To Dudley, proudly) You haven't got a thing on me, Dudders.

Dudley Freak.

Draco Take that back.

Dudley No.

Draco (smiling nastily, and holding out his wand under Dudley's chin. Dudley gasps) I said, take that back, pig-features.

Dudley Er, yeah. Yeah, you're (gulp) really cool!

(Harry finally gets around to cooking the breakfast)

One day in this dysfunctional family –

Draco(menacingly) Are you calling my family dysfunctional?

Erm, one day in this dysfunctional family, with the addition of Draco who is entirely not dysfunctional, coming from the stable household that is the Malfoys, they were having breakfast when Vernon said –

Vernon Get the post, Dudley.

Dudley Make Draco get it.

Vernon Get the post, Draco.

Draco Make Dudley get it.

Vernon Poke him with your Smeltings stick, Dudley.

Harry Poke him with your wand, Malfoy. Oh sorry, did I say that out loud?

So Dudley ran to get the post, which contained five letters, all bearing a strange coat of arms.

Vernon Who are they for, son?

Dudley Er… V-v-v-ver – non… Dor – Duh – Dooer –slay…

Draco Oh, give them here! (snatches letters) This is for Vernon – beefy man, right?

(Vernon grabs his letter)

Draco And this is for Petunia. Either that's Potter's name before the operation, or it's for the horsey woman.

(He hands Petunia her letter, and waits expectantly. Silence.)

Draco I just said, Harry used to be a girl, get it?

(Dudley starts to chortle so hard he might wet himself again)

Draco Honestly… and this is one for Dudley, and one for me, and one for Potter.

Dudley (waking up) Has Harry got a letter?

Draco Would you like me to explain in words of one syllable? Your – dumb – cousin – has – a – letter. Like the rest of us. Understand, Dudders?

Vernon Give me that. (snatches Harry's letter from Draco)

Harry Give me my letter!

Petunia You know, you really spoil the atmosphere of the occasion when you insist that we all get a letter. It somehow loses the magic…

Vernon Don't mention that word!

Erm, yeah. So Vernon took the letter for Harry and burned it, Harry protesting loudly. Vernon claimed the letter had been sent to Harry by mistake. Harry knew that it was actually for him. But what could be inside it? The next day there was another letter, and another, and basically he got inundated with letters but never got to read one. You know the story. Watch the film if you didn't get the message. So Vernon took Petunia, Draco, Dudley and Harry away to the sea, on a little bleak island.

Draco Listen Vernie, there's no way I'm going into that little hut. It's not like Potter's letter is going to contain threats from the Ministry of Magic…

Vernon Don't mention that word!

Draco Did anyone ever tell you, you're repetitive?

Harry (innocently) Pardon?

Draco I said, did anyone ever tell you – shut up Potter.

So they went inside the little hut and sheltered from the raging storm. Late at night, when everyone was asleep –

(Dudley snores)

Draco Oh please, that sounded so fake.

I said, when everyone was asleep except for one lonely boy, Harry was lying awake thinking about the next day, which was his sixteenth birthday.

Harry Eleventh.

In fitting with fairy tale lore, Harry was sixteen the next day. Suddenly, there was a noise outside that sounded like a motorcycle.

(Thump – Crash – Bang)

Harry Odd sounding motorcycle.

Er – quite. The Dursleys and Draco were awoken by the sound. The door crashed open, and in came a huge man with a great curly beard… Hey, that's not right!

(Enter Hagrid) (Enter a furious looking Indigo Ziona)

IZ What are you doing here?

Hagrid (bewildered) I'm 'ere to pick up Harry.

IZ Look, this isn't Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Right? This is The Tale of CinderHarry. Sirius is meant to come through that door. He doesn't speak in an impossible accent. And he's quite fanciable.

Hagrid Well, er, he couldn't come, I'm afraid to tell yeh. He's been arrested.

IZ Arrested?

Hagrid For mass murder. He's in Azkaban.

IZ (throws her hands up into the air) Why do I bother? You're all so tied up with canon! Just get on with the scene. (Exit)

The Dursleys and Draco cowered, terrified.

Draco I refuse to cower.

Draco did not cower, but he was gripped with mortal fear. And the huge man went up to Harry and said…

Hagrid Harry, it's good ter see yeh!

Harry Erm, do I know you?

Hagrid I'm Rubeus Hagrid. Princess Cho's footman. You'll know all about Princess Cho, o' course.

Harry Er, sorry, no. Who is she?

Hagrid You mean yeh haven't read yer invitation?

Harry What invitation?

Hagrid (angrily) DURSLEY!!!

Vernon, Petunia & Dudley Yes?

Draco Don't expect me to answer that. I was adopted into this pathetic family and I'm not going to change my name.

Hagrid Er – Vernon. Why hasn't Harry read his invitation?

Vernon We swore we'd knock all Balls out of him!

Dudley Eeeew.

Vernon I mean, Yule Balls! I want my Dudders to have a chance with the princess.

Dudley But I'm going for the food.

Draco And you've got to be kidding if you think I'm going to flirt with a Ravenclaw.

Vernon Anyway, he can't go.

Hagrid But King Dumbledore himself invited Harry! And if King Dumbledore invited 'im, a great Muggle like you en't gonna stop 'im…

Draco Is it me, or is Hagrid's accent sort of… forced?

Look, if you have a problem with my writing skills, why don't you have a go? Harry was bewildered. Balls? King Dumbledore?

Harry Um, Balls? King Dumbledore?

Hagrid Harry, yer invited to the ball to find a husband for Princess Cho. And yer a wizard.

Harry Yes, I know I'm a wizard. The narrator told me. Who's Princess Cho?

Hagrid She's a Seeker seeking an 'usband. Yeh've got that attractive scar on yer fore'ed, and some girls like the midget look, I reckon yeh've got a chance. Come with me.

So Hagrid took Harry away to London, as he didn't have a magic wand to whip up some stuff for the ball. Instead of waving his magical umbrella, for the robes, he took him to Madam Malkins.

Draco Of course, the colour of this robe is just divine, but will it go with my nail polish?

Harry Uh… Malfoy?

Draco Potter… er…

Harry Did you just say nail polish?

Hagrid Come along, Harry.

Harry tried on many attractive robes, eventually finding one that suited him. He also got an pet owl, familiars being all the rage these days, and then he went to buy a wand.

Ollivander Try this. Crystal and fairy wings. Eleven and a half inches, highly fragile.

Harry tried the wand, and to his surprise, many sparks flew from it.

(A little man enters, with a sign saying 'Subtitle')

Subtitle Attention please! Important plot clue coming up!

Ollivander Oh, well done, Mr. Potter! The wand chooses the wizard, you know, and this wand that chose you bodes that you will be exceptionally lucky in Balls. Providing you leave before midnight, of course. Curious though…

(Subtitle does a little dance)

Harry What?

Ollivander I remember every wand I've ever sold. A wand with wings from the very same fairy chose the very same wizard that gave you that scar.

Harry You mean Voldemort? Cool.

Ollivander You just ruined the whole suspense of the moment.

Harry Sorry. Isn't crystal a little odd for a wand?

Ollivander You're telling me. Next they'll be making shoes out of it!

(Exit Subtitle)

Harry left, chilled at the revelation that Voldemort could have a wand with fairy wings in it of all things. Then he met up with Hagrid again in The Leaky Cauldron.

Hagrid So, yeh'll be getting a train to Hogwarts Castle, where King Dumbledore lives. The Pumpkin Express. Remember ter get back before midnight.

Harry Er, yeah, OK.

As Harry went to get the train up there, the first guests were already arriving at Hogwarts. Princess Cho looked lovely, but alone. Hermione Granger was dancing with Viktor Krum, Ron Weasley was dancing with a girl you've never heard of, Ginny Weasley was dancing with Neville Longbottom, and Indigo Ziona was dancing with Oliver Wood, because he's quite cute and she was trying to stay in denial about the Snape thing.

Oliver You look lovely tonight.

IZ Oh, thank you Oliver.

Oliver Your eyes are like deep pools, reflecting your radiance.

IZ Oliver, you're the Keeper of my heart.

Oliver Uh, Ziona… why do you keep looking at Snape?

IZ Um, no reason.

(Snape strides up to Indigo Ziona, looking extremely urgent and impassioned)

Snape Ziona, I can't take it any longer. Must you torture me? My love for you knows no bounds…

(Hermione butts in)

Hermione Isn't that a bit out of character? Honestly, he's not about to announce his undying love for you in a ballroom full of people.

IZ Oh… yes. Sorry, I got carried away with that old omnipotent author thing. Severus, go back to character.

Snape (suddenly very self-conscious) How dare you exercise author's omnipotence on me? Ten points from… what's your house?

IZ (hopefully) Slytherin?

Snape Oh… sorry. Just keep it to a distance, won't you?

Hermione That's disgusting, using this fic to fulfil your own sick little fantasies!

IZ I am the author, you know.

Hermione Exactly! As if it wasn't the height of unprofessionality to include yourself in your own fic, you then put in Professor Snape…

IZ You're just jealous.

Hermione Well… just a little. I don't suppose you could…

IZ Of course.

Whilst Hermione and Snape were busy being out of character, Harry strolled in, fashionably late. He astounded everyone with his good looks, short stature, scruffy hair and 'wicked' scar. Princess Cho was overwhelmed.

Cho Oh look, it's Harry Potter. Yippee. Yay. I leap up and down for joy.

Harry had never seen anyone so beautiful. Except for Indigo Ziona, of course, who was the most beautiful woman there and could do wandless magic.

(Enter Subtitle)

Subtitle Mary-Sue Alert! Mary-Sue Alert!

Uh, but of course she did have some flaws, namely that she was taken by Oliver Wood and girls who aren't single are really of no interest to Fairy Tale authors.

(Exit Subtitle)

Cho (sulkily) May I have this dance?

(Enter Cedric)

Harry Really?

Cho Er – no.

Harry What?

Cho Who's that? (she points to Cedric)

Harry I don't know, do you want to dance?

The music swelled as Princess Cho completely disobeyed the author's instructions and went to dance with Cedric Diggory.

Harry (bewildered) I thought Cedric was dead.

IZ (dragging the amorous Oliver Wood alongside) Author's omnipotence, again. I resurrected him because he looks good in those dress robes… He wasn't meant to dance with Cho. It was all very simple, but no, a little Cinderella parody is too difficult for some people.

Harry Couldn't you do the same thing for my parents?

IZ I'm sorry Harry, I leave that sort of thing to AU fic writers.

Er, so Viktor Krum suddenly decided to become a monk, leaving the beautiful Princess Hermione, King Dumbledore's other daughter, alone.

Cho I'm Dumbledore's daughter?

Hermione I'm Cho's sister?

Whilst she was sobbing for the loss of her Bulgarian beau…

Viktor So long, Hermy-ninny. All I could provide to this plot was an amusing accent.

Hermione Hey, wait a minute, wasn't I off with Snape? What happened?

Er, Snape had suddenly discovered he was in love with… Madam Pomfrey… so Hermione was still alone. Whilst she was sobbing for the loss of her Bulgarian beau, and her Alan Rickman look-alike Potions Master, Harry, still hurt by Princess Cho's fickleness, approached her.

Harry Hello Hermione.

Hermione Hi Harry.

Suddenly, Harry was amazed by her good looks, intelligence… and excellent conversation skills.

Harry Um, hello? Purely platonic relationship?

Tough. Soon they were dancing the night away.

Hermione Thanks, I just spent the last week trying to get the Mavericks out of my head.

But all too soon, the clock began to strike midnight. Harry hurried to get out.

(BONG)

Harry (rooted firmly to the spot) What exactly will happen if I don't go?

(BONG)

IZ All your robes will turn back to rags?

(BONG)

Harry Then I can sue Madam Malkins? They're not magical robes, exactly.

(BONG)

IZ You'll miss your train?

(BONG)

Harry Back to the Dursleys'? Like I care.

(BONG)

IZ Look, something nasty's going to happen so I suggest you get out.

(BONG)

Harry What's the magic word?

(BONG)

Vernon Don't you dare mention your abnormality!

(BONG)

Harry Er, actually most people here are wizards, you're the abnormal one.

(BONG)

IZ If you don't get out, I'm going to do something very nasty.

(BONG)

Harry Go ahead.

(BONG)

Harry, failing to heed Indigo Ziona's warnings, stayed where he was, even though his wand would cease to be effective after midnight.

Harry You never said that!

IZ Well, Ollivander hinted at it. Temperamental things, fairy wings.

He stood horrified as Lord Voldemort himself suddenly appeared in the middle of the ballroom.

Hermione You can't Apparate or Disapparate inside the walls of Hogwarts! Haven't you read Hogwarts: A History?

Er, so anyway, Lord Voldemort, having arrived by the Pumpkin Express and worn an invisibility cloak into the hall, cackled evilly.

You-know-who Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Dumbledore wasn't around to fight him because he'd just popped out to go to the toilet. Voldie grabbed Hermione, because she's basically an insufferable know-it-all, and…

Hermione (smugly) Were you about to say, Disapparated?

…Carried her out of the castle and Disapparated, Harry helpless to do anything.

Harry Wait a minute, doesn't Voldemort have a fairy-wings wand too? Shouldn't his be ineffective as well?

IZ Well, er – he didn't have a crystal one. His was Sapient Pearwood.

Harry That sounds familiar for some reason.

IZ Er… does it? Total coincidence, I made it up

(In case I get sued, Sapient Pearwood is property of Terry Pratchett…)

When Dumbledore returned from the toilet, Princess Cho tearfully told him what had happened to her sister.

Cho So… this girl, Hermia…

Harry Hermione.

Cho Yeah, her, You-know-who came along and grabbed her.

Dumbledore's face became grave. He realised that Princess Hermione would need a champion, someone to go rescue her.

Dumbledore Will anyone be Miss Granger's champion?

IZ She's meant to be your daughter, you know.

Dumbledore Sorry. Is there anyone among you brave enough to be Hermione's rescuer?

Cho I'm sorry to be picky, but hasn't this deviated from the Cinderella plot?

IZ I'm only improving on it.

The whole court fell silent. They knew that only the most powerful witch or wizard would be able to fight Voldemort and rescue the princess. Who could attempt such a thing?

Ginny I'll go.

Only someone young, foolish and male could think of such a thing.

Ginny That's sexist, you know.

If you want to sweep Hermione off her feet and kiss her, fine, but on your own time. This is a fairy tale. So the court was silent, the atmosphere pregnant with anticipation.

Ginny It's patriarchal propaganda.

IZ It's a story. Harry's got to go rescue her, it's all part of the romantic ideal. And I thought you were meant to be the timid youngest Weasley, not an out-and-out feminist. Or a knight in shining armour.

Ginny I'm a shy feminist knight, you see this character development in later books. It's all part of the fiery hair/personality.

IZ Er, right. Where was I? Oh yes.

They all looked at each other with fear. Until one brave voice said…

(Total silence)

Until the one brave voice that was Harry, said…

Harry Look, I haven't got a working wand so don't look at me.

IZ (sighs loudly) It starts working again after sunrise. Plus, you're the hero, you can't lose.

Harry You didn't say that. All right, I'll go.

For a moment, there was no response. Then the court burst out into laughter.

Harry Hello, some encouragement here?

IZ I'm just stacking up the odds on the other side's favour. It makes it all the more exciting when you win.

How could such a small boy without even a proper wand fight a great Dark Wizard? But Dumbledore himself remained silent, and did not join in the laughter.

Dumbledore Harry, you may go and rescue Princess Hermione. Even though it is foolish and you'll probably be killed. For some reason, I am feeling out of character tonight.

And when they looked at Harry's face, they saw that it was serene and without fear.

Harry My face may be without fear but I think I need new underwear.

Dumbledore gave Harry the sword of Godric Gryffindor, and sent him on his quest.

Cho Honestly, this is so cliché.

IZ Do you know, it's suddenly occurred to me, I could have used the Goblet of Fire to pick Hermione's champion.

Cedric I'd rather you didn't, thanks.

Riding his trusty Firebolt, Harry flew to Voldemort's lair.

Harry Which is where?

Oh. Snape led the way to Voldemort's lair, then left him at the entrance.

Snape Good luck Potter. You'll need it.

Harry Er, thanks. I think.

Harry crept down into the dark keep, dodging Death Eaters along the way. He knocked out one of them and stole his clothes.

Harry They're really rather baggy.

He found his way into a room with many books, and in the middle, tied to a chair, was Hermione.

Hermione Aren't you a little short for a Death Eater?

Harry What? Oh… The Death Eater clothes. I'm Harry Potter. I'm here to rescue

you. Do you know, something about this scene reminds me of Star Wars.

Hermione Oh, Harry, it was horrible… They locked me in this room full of classic magical textbooks and restrained me from reading them! The pain!

They held one another and sobbed.

Harry Er… I was really worried that he'd hurt you.

Hermione Thank you for coming to rescue me. (She holds Harry and sobs)

Harry Let's get out of here.

They crept down to the exit, hoping to avoid Voldemort

You-know-who I've been waiting for you, Dumbledore. We meet again at last. The circle is complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.

Dumbledore Only a master of evil, Voldie.

You-know-who Your powers are weak, old man.

Dumbledore You can't win, Voldie. If you strike me down, I shall become more

powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Hermione Um, excuse me. Professor, aren't you meant to be back at Hogwarts?

Dumbledore Damn. Er, Voldie, we'll have to wait for another time to do our Star Wars re-enactment.

You-know-who Never mind, Albie, I've still got to get the cast for 'The Death-Eaters Strike Back.'

(Dumbledore Disapparates)

Voldemort turned his eyes to Harry and Hermione. He raised his wand, and they trembled for fear of their life.

(A figure leaps down from the rafters and karate-kicks Voldemort to the floor.)

Ginny Far too many witches and wizards rely solely on magic. Let's get out before he regains consciousness.

Hermione Oh Ginny, you saved us! Without you and Harry I'm not sure where I'd be.

All right, not exactly as planned, but never mind. Harry and Hermione stared deep into each other's eyes, and…

Ron Of course, I had to hex a few Death Eaters on the way in.

Hermione (delighted) Oh, Ron!

Ron (voice trembling) Hermione, I was so worried about you. (He sweeps her off her feet and kisses her) I finally realised that I love you… Will you go to the next ball with me?

Hermione Of course!

Harry Erm, well, I'm glad you're happy.

Harry walked dejectedly from Voldemort's lair, got on the Pumpkin Express, and went back to the Dursleys'.

(Indigo Ziona Apparates into Voldemort's keep)

IZ Hah, I bet you think I don't know how to get out of that one. Well, it's obvious.

Ginny (in a small, distant voice) Harry just left…

Ron (staring deep into Hermione's eyes) Huh?

Ginny His eyes were as green as a freshly pickled toad! I'm going to go find him.

Ron (still distracted) Find who?

Ginny But I hardly saw his face… I don't know where he lives… I don't know what his name was. Well, apart from Harry. But I love him.

Hermione (still hugging Ron) Erm Ziona, Harry's famous… she's probably heard of him.

IZ Sssh, she doesn't realise that. And I performed a memory charm on her.

Hermione But you're not a witch.

IZ Author's omnipotence.

Whilst Hermione and Ron went back to Hogwarts without a care in the world, Ginny decided to search for her lost love. It was then that she spied something on the ground.

Ginny What's this? Harry's wand?

As she walked out into the early morning, taking the wand with her, Ginny began to think.

Ginny If I test this wand on every wizard in the country, I'll find him. Because…

(Enter Subtitle)

Subtitle No wizard will ever receive the same results with another wizard's wand!

(Exit Subtitle)

(Enter Hermione)

Hermione If Ollivander remembers every wand he's ever sold, maybe she could just ask him.

IZ She can't. Ollivander's on holiday.

Hermione Oh, so now you tell us.

(Exit Hermione)

Ginny went far and wide, testing the wand on many wizards. One day, she turned to her mother and said,

Ginny Mum, do you have the guest list for the Yule Ball?

Mrs. Weasley Why yes, dear, why do you ask?

Ginny Er, maybe the fact that I've spent the last seven weeks testing this wand out on various wizards and the guest list might have been useful in narrowing it down?

Mrs. Weasley Oh, of course dear.

But unfortunately for Ginny, the guests were only listed by surname. But no matter, she went to all the addresses listed. The last was an odd address, located in a Muggle part of England. Ron and Hermione, now happily married, decided to come with her.

Ginny Well, Privet Drive. I suppose this must be it.

Hermione Good luck, Ginny.

Inside, Harry was being ordered around by his evil relatives. He was just washing the windows for the fifth time running when there was a knock on the door.

Petunia Now who could that be?

(Petunia opens the door)

Petunia Yes?

Ginny I'm Ginny Weasley. I came to find Harry… I fell in love with him at the Ball.

Draco Look, it's a dirt-poor Weasley.

Ginny Actually I'm only dressed this way because I spent the last week with the same clothes on, searching for my long lost love. My family recently won the Wizard Lotto and we're now one of the richest families.

(Vernon's eyes widen)

(Ron and Hermione come forward, wearing sparkling robes)

(Draco's mouth drops open)

Draco Actually, I'm Harry. I'm so shy that I came under his name.

(Long pause. Vernon nudges Dudley.)

Dudley And I'm Draco.

Vernon Idiot.

Dudley I mean, Harry. Yeah, I'm actually Harry, this is Draco, he's just pretending.

Draco I'm not, I'm just shy. You're the impostor.

Whilst they argued, Harry was still away, oblivious to this.

Ginny Well, if one of you is Harry, you'll get a result with this wand.

Draco Oh, uh… (He takes the wand and shakes it violently, but to no avail)

(Ginny looks disappointed)

Ginny At least you're sort of attractive. I was hoping it wasn't him. (She points to Dudley)

But Dudley, try as he might, could not get the wand to work either. Ginny looked suspicious.

Ginny Is there anyone else in the house?

Vernon No, of course not. It's just young Dudley… I mean, it's just young Harry's off day. He usually has trouble with his wand on Tuesdays.

Ron You know, I'm not sure I believe you.

At that moment, Harry entered. Despite his tattered clothes, he still outshone his wicked cousins.

Harry Ron? Hermione? Ron's little sister? What are you doing here?

Ginny You're Harry! Oh, try this wand…

Harry Erm, Ginny, that's Voldemort's wand.

Ginny was aghast.

Ginny (aghast) It is?

Ron She thought it was yours, that you'd dropped it.

Harry Er, mine being made out of crystal, it would have probably shattered.

Ginny But you are Harry?

Harry Yes, why?

Ginny (blushing) Er, no reason.

Ron So, Harry, would you like to come round our house? Quidditch World Cup on Wednesday.

Harry Yeah, great.

So Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione walked out of Privet Drive and flew a deluxe Ford Anglia to the Burrow. They had fun watching Quidditch, playing Exploding Snap, and thinking of new ways to get Draco expelled. And they all lived happily ever after.

Ginny You know, that was a bit of an anti-climax.

IZ Well, who's to say whether you and Harry eventually get together? It could develop that way, but then he might just end up with Cho, Parvati, Lavender, or maybe even Hermione. And you might end up with someone else, too.

Ginny It's funny you should say that. Harry's cousin – you know, that boy Draco. He's really attractive.

IZ Er, he's a Slytherin you know.

Ginny Well, it's either him or Voldie. Did you know, he was a really insecure sixteen-year-old… Gotta love the boy.

IZ You're insane.

Ginny Don't blame me, you're the author. And you're a Mary-Sue.

So Indigo Ziona zapped Ginny for insulting her creative integrity, and Harry fell madly in love with her, amazed by her author's charm. And they lived happily ever after.

Hermione How cliché.

IZ Know-it-all.

Hermione Closet Snape fanatic.

IZ Teacher's pet.

Hermione Mary-Sue.

It was especially happy, because Indigo Ziona killed Hermione soon after.

The End.

Credits –

Narrator/multi-talented author charicature – Indigo Ziona

Cute but slightly cocky CinderHarry – Harry Potter

Horsey looking-woman – Petunia Dursley

Harry's neurotic cousin – Draco Malfoy

Harry's idiotic cousin – Dudley Dursley

Fat-necked man – Vernon Dursley

Stand-in for the lovely Sirius Black and man of impossible accent – Hagrid

Spooky bloke in the wand shop – Ollivander

Subtitle – Original Character

Sexy Quidditch Champion – Oliver Wood

Sexy, uh, that is, sarcastic Potions Master – Severus Snape

Insufferable know-it-all Princess Hermione – Hermione Granger

Slightly shallow Princess Cho – Cho Chang

Bulgarian guy no one cares about very much although he does say Hermy-ninny so charmingly – Viktor Krum

You-know-who – you know who

King Dumbledore – Albus Dumbledore

Out-and-out feminist and martial arts expert – Ginny Weasley

The no-longer dead kid with one line – Cedric Diggory

Ron/Hermione shipper – Ron Weasley

Helpful mother – Mrs. Weasley

Additional Script – George Lucas. Don't sue me. And definitely don't Mary-Sue me…