AN: The point I made in the previous chapter is a good one-I've gone far too long between updates. I'm embarrassed at how long sometimes, in fact. I won't bore you with the details, but I am still working on this. In the interests of not leaving everyone hanging forever, this will be the last update until it's all done. Once it is done, however, you can expect that I'll be posting each chapter at a regular cadence, and I promise I'll let you know as soon as that happens. Thanks for sticking with me.

Chapter 22 - Precarious

Normandy, captain's quarters, shortly after departing the Ploitari system

Dear Kaidan,

I must apologize, I think Garrus had finally started to calm down about what happened on Horizon, but I managed to get him all worked up again today. Thane, too, actually.

It was completely inadvertent. We came across a distress call on Zanethu in the Ploitari system, and since we didn't find any other presence in the area on the long range scanner, I went to check it out. It was supposed to be just a quick pick up, so I didn't take anyone, or tell anyone beyond Joker and the shuttle pilot where I was going. How was I supposed to know that things would end up that way?

Turns out that the distress call originated from the wreckage of MSV Estevanico. Alliance records were asking for their blackbox or any data from the mainframe for anyone who might come across her, so...that's what I did.

Zanethu is a very mountainous, cliff-laden place. Rather beautiful, actually. I have no idea how they managed it, but whoever set the Estevanico down managed to do so on the edge of one of those cliffs, so it was an...interesting trip. It made me grateful to be alone; more than one of us running around the remains of the ship would have made things much more precarious than they already were.

I did end up recovering the mainframe data, and the shuttle returned to get me just before the wreckage dropped out from underneath me.

What I didn't know was that Garrus was aboard the shuttle. We had a very...loud conversation on the return to the ship. He seems to be under the impression that I'm trying to kill myself given all that's happened, and he's committed to keeping me alive whether I want him to or not. It's rather sweet, actually.

Once we got back to the ship, it was Thane's turn to yell, but by then, I finally realized that I'd scared them.

I'm not looking to die, truly I'm not. I have a task left to complete after all, and the Collectors are still out there. But they are right, I do need to be more careful with my life.

That aside, I have to admit, it was pretty amazing to stand there on the Estevanico's hull and look down. It's a good thing I'm not afraid of heights. But it was...beautiful. A different perspective on things, a reminder of how fragile life can be.

Not that I need help with that, considering all that has happened recently.

But standing there, balancing myself on the remains of that ship balanced so carefully on the edge of the cliff...I couldn't help but be amazed. I wish I had better words, I truly do. I simply can't explain how it made me feel.

Rest assured, however, that I've been taken to task by several of my crew, so there's no need for you to pick that up yourself later on. Somehow, though, I doubt that will stop you. I don't think it would stop me, were the positions reversed.

-Jane

The woman was bound and determined to kill him. Shepard always had a gift for understatement, so he could well imagine that when she said 'precarious,' she meant 'swaying so hard in the breeze that a pyjak fart would tip the scales,' to say nothing of 'just before the wreckage dropped out.' Thinking about that made his biotics flare, since he was sure what that really meant is that she nearly went down with the damn ship and had to take a running leap into the shuttle to escape.

Understatement. One of Shepard's special gifts.

She was crazy if she thought that Garrus and Thane yelling at her meant that he wouldn't, if he'd been there. He'd have kissed her first, though, clutched her in his arms to ensure she was alive, and then would have started yelling. His arms and his throat ached, in fact, to be able to do both of those things.

And now that she had mentioned the Estevanico, Kaidan recalled that the data had been uploaded to the Alliance anonymously. Admiral Hackett had been the only fleet commander who hadn't been completely mystified when the data about the doomed ship had appeared…though now that he thought of it, Kaidan scrolled back to one of her previous letters, recalling her experience on Alchera...which meant that Hackett had known Shepard was alive, too. Why else would he have sent her out there?

Frustrated, he ran a hand through his hair and sat back after making notes based on this most recent letter. Had he been the only one who didn't know Shepard was alive before Horizon? Why hadn't anyone told him?

Normandy, captain's quarters, departing the Caleston Rift

Dear Kaidan,

We had a bit of an interesting experience on a planet named Karumto today. In addition to every other damn thing that jerk brought me back to do, apparently I'm now his "oh shit, I made a mess" clean-up girl, too.

Karumto is rather...volcanic. Remember Therum? Sort of like that, only more active. Some idiot Cerberus team got stuck out there trying to take some kind of readings, but ended up having to abandon the place. At least, we think they abandoned. It's entirely possible that they were lost in some kind of horrific volcanic eruption or something. I'm not sure, though - all their logs indicate some kind of Prothean research team, and I have to admit, while I'm not surprised that Cerberus has their sticky fingers into Protheans and Geth, the potential here worries me.

This team did leave behind a rather lovely piece of tech on the last planet he sent me to, though, and it's my hope that I'll find a way to keep it. This thing is even more fun than the Mako, and it's a piece of cake to drive. It's some kind of prototype, which means that I'll probably have to leave it behind, but I suppose it all depends on how… if… when I'm able to make some kind of escape.

And don't look at me like that. Just because you didn't like riding in the Mako with me doesn't mean I'm a bad driver.

Joker wasn't exactly happy with the whole volcano thing, though. I think he's still upset about Therum, and having to pull our asses out of the fire...almost literally, so that he and his Normandy were in that kind of danger again made him crabby.

It's interesting, actually. Joker doesn't share my feelings about the SR2. As far as he's concerned, he's got his ship back and now it's better than ever. I still really struggle it's it. Fake me, fake ship...and all at the beck and call of the very organization we fought so hard against a couple of years ago. It...makes things difficult. It usually helps to have some familiar faces around, but sometimes, it's just that much worse. It's all a huge reminder of all this time I've lost; everyone else lived those two years, and for me, I just...woke up and those two years were gone in an instant. It makes it hard for me to remember that it was two years ago at all.

I have to hand it to TIM-asshole he may be (and no denying that), but he certainly knew how to bait his various hooks to reel us all in. I have to remind myself that what we're doing is worth it, that even if the cost is my life and my career with the Alliance...I'll hate it, more than I can say, but it'll be worth it if we can stop these attacks, if we can keep from losing any more innocent lives.

I'll make myself even more morbid than I am already if I keep thinking about this, so I think it's probably better that I stop here for now.

-Jane

Kaidan could only shake his head - yet again - as he read through Shepard's latest letter. He remembered Therum, and the clusterfuck that whole planet had been, to say nothing of their incredibly close escape. He remembered Joker's indignation about the whole thing then, and could only imagine his reaction to having to deal with yet another volcano.

But that Mako… Since he was alone, he didn't bother hiding the shudder as he remembered Shepard's idea of a fun time. The only one who'd ever liked riding in the Mako with her had been Wrex, and that was probably because he was as insane as she was, at least some of the time. Whenever they knew the ground mission would require a trip in the Mako, Ash had started a betting pool on whether the other unfortunates along with them would manage to keep their meals where they belonged. They'd taken extreme measures to make sure Shepard never found out about it, and as far as he was aware, she never did… then again, she could be remarkably tight-lipped about that kind of thing when she wanted to be.

Regardless, if this 'new toy' of hers was anything like the Mako, he could imagine the look on her face when she drove it, and for a moment, he almost wished he could be there to see it, even if it meant being subjected to her crazed driving habits.

He made a note in the file he'd started to keep track of Shepard's travels, and flagged it as a potential Prothean site to be followed up on or researched later. He shared Shepard's misgivings that Cerberus was so interested in the ruins of the ancient civilization; he could only imagine what kind of havoc they could wreak with access to some of the technology that the Protheans had left behind. Just because Shepard was the only one with the cipher in her head didn't mean they wouldn't try to decipher it anyway, and that could mean any number of terrible things.

The rest of Shepard's letter was harder to deal with. She'd talked previously about her difficulties with the new ship, and with her new status, but that didn't make it any easier to read. And for all her admonition that he shouldn't feel guilty, he couldn't help himself. It didn't do him, or her, or anyone, any good to continue to castigate himself over Horizon, but he couldn't help imagine how different things could have been if only he could go back and change how he'd reacted. He knew it was useless to fester, but the more he saw of Shepard's emotional state while she was dealing with the enormity of the task she'd been manipulated into, the worse he felt.

If she was rattled enough to say these kinds of things, even in a letter, he really hoped she'd been able to find someone to confide in on the Normandy, someone who was going through it with her. There was only so much writing letters could do, especially after what had happened between them on Horizon. Garrus was with her, he recalled, and as unlikely as that friendship had seemed at first, by the end, they'd been rather close. Still, just how much could they talk if they were being monitored constantly? Not for the first time, Kaidan wondered how they were all managing.

He didn't think Shepard really had to worry about her military career, either. They may not have been able to publicly announce their support, and Anderson had said that he didn't quite buy her resurrection story, but it seemed that both he and Hackett were firmly on her side. If she managed to pull it off, if she stopped the Collectors, he'd lay odds that the Alliance would claim the whole thing had been a ruse and she'd been on a deep cover op the whole time, the easier to bring one of the Alliance's most decorated officers back into the fold.

Kaidan had to wonder just what Shepard would think of that, but imagined she'd probably find it a small price to pay. Cerberus' leader, on the other hand? That would certainly make things interesting.

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