A Secret Never To Be Told

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Harry Potter or anything else your recognise. This story is just something that has been on my mind for a long time and I wanted to share it. The nursery rhyme in the beginning is something I once read in a book somewhere (please, don't ask me when or where exactly), it can also be found online.

One for sorrow

Two for joy

Three for a girl

Four for a boy

Five for silver

Six for gold

Seven for a secret never to be told

A young boy with sandy brown hair quietly closed to door of the hospital wing behind him and tip-toed through the corridors. He watched the portraits go to sleep and winced every time he put weight on his left leg. Remus had to go to the infirmary often, he practically lived there. But that didn't mean he had to like it. Almost no-one knew Remus frequently visited the infirmary. That secret was supposed to remain hidden away forever, for everyone. As a young and reckless boy Remus had been bitten by a fully grown werewolf. Now as a twelve year old walking through Hogwarts, he was actually happy, despite his lycanthropy. Remus had never thought he'd be accepted into Hogwarts and was ever grateful for that to Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. And not only that, but Remus had also found best friends for life: James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. They were the best friends he could ever ask for and he could not lose them over anything. That's why he was hoping his friends would be occupied or better yet already asleep, so that he could sneak up to his dormitory. Remus' footsteps were loud on the cold stone floor. It was way past curfew, so the corridors were empty, except for the young werewolf making his way to his common room. Last night had been rough on him and it had taken Madame Pomfrey longer than normal to heal him.

Remus was exhausted and his muscles strained with every step he took, so the trip to the Gryffindor common room took longer than usual. When he reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, he quickly whispered the password. "You should go to sleep, young man, " she said, " you don't look too good." If only she knew, Remus thought. He was quietly making his way through the common room when-

"Hi, Remus". He jumped and quickly turned around. On the couches nearest to the warmly lit fire were the three boys he was trying to avoid. "Euhm… hi, guys. What are you doing down here?"

"We could ask the same of you, " Sirius said, the same boy who had spoken before.

"Well, I just came back from my mother you see, " Remus replied nervously.

"Ah yes," James said, "your mother. How is she? Still ill?" Remus didn't like his tone, didn't like it one bit.

"Yes," Remus hissed, "but she's doing better now."

"What did she have again?" James continued.

Remus didn't know why he was being questioned on his sick mother, who was of course not sick at all. It was just an excuse so that he could get away once every month, so that no-one would know of his condition. His friends were not supposed to ask him questions like this, they were supposed to take it and be quiet!

"Euhm… well, they are not sure you see. Euhm…it's some sort of mystery disease, that's why it's taking so long to heal her." Remus felt horrible about lying to his friends, but he had to. If they ever found out the truth…

"Oh, I thought you said she had pneumonia last time you went to see her?" James asked him again. Sirius had narrowed his eyes and Peter was blankly staring at him.

Damnit! Remus thought. Did he really? He didn't remember.

"Yes, that's true. The pneumonia came on top of the mystery disease. Can you believe that? But at least she got over the pneumonia by now." Remus tried to save himself. If only he wasn't so tired and his muscles didn't ache that much, maybe he could come up with better excuses. But the only thought on his mind was his warm, comfortable bed.

James sighed and looked away. "You didn't tell us about pneumonia last time, Remus. You said she had some bad kind of the flu." Peter said.

Remus clasped his sweaty hands together and screamed in his head.

"Oh, yes. Well, she is so vulnerable you know? And she has so many illnesses. I can hardly remember-"

"Cut the crap, Remus, " Sirius cut in harshly. "We don't want you to lie anymore."

This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be happening, this couldn't be happening.

Remus squeezed his hands together and said: "I'm not lying, I just-".

"We know, Remus." James said tiredly.

Remus froze and felt bile rising up in his throat. He stared at the three boys before him, his best friends. But not for long. If they really knew, they would be disgusted by him, just as the rest of the world. His happy days would be over. His Hogwarts career would be over. He tried to look for excuses in his head, but his thoughts were a big jumbled mess. He couldn't think anymore and just stared ahead. Although, maybe they were wrong, Remus thought. Maybe they were thinking about something else. Remus felt the tiniest bit of hoping rising in his chest.

"Do you know what day is it today, Remus? It is the day after the full moon."

The little bit of hope he felt, was quickly squished down, trampled upon, tore to pieces and burned in the fire. His breath caught in his throat and he quickly squeezed his eyes, willing himself not to cry.

"I can't believe it." Sirius continued, "I can't believe you have been lying to us all this time."

Remus quickly swallowed the lump in his throat. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said in a feeble attempt to save himself. He wanted to run, but it seemed as if his feet were stuck to the floor.

James jumped up, flames of the fire flickering in his eyes, making him look all the more dangerous. "Oh yeah? You don't know what we're talking about? So you don't know how you look ill yourself every month? Coincidently always around the full moon? You don't know how pathetic your excuses always sound? You don't know how you are always hurt? Again, coincidently around the full moon?"

"I'm not hurt," Remus said, whishing he could be somewhere else. His worst nightmare was coming true.

"Then why were you limping, coming through the portrait hole?" Peter asked, his eyes burning.

Remus pursed his lips and instinctively took a step back. "Guys, I… You know you… It's a misunderstanding. You've got it completely wrong, I-"

"Misunderstanding? You're a werewolf, Remus!" This time it was Sirius who spoke, or yelled more likely. Remus gasped."You're a werewolf," he hissed, " and you didn't see fit to tell us."

Remus stared at his friends, his former friends, for a long time. Sirius sitting up straight, his jaw set. James was still standing, breathing heavily, his hands clenched in fists at his sides. Peter was sitting still, staring at him through narrowed eyes. But they had one thing in common. Their eyes told Remus the same things: anger, fear, disappointment and pity. Could he deny it? He knew he couldn't.

Remus slumped his shoulders and looked down at his feet. He couldn't stand looking at them anymore, knowing his cover was blown. Knowing he'd lost everything he cared for.

"I understand, I'm sorry. I-" Remus sighed, trembling. One lonely tear rolled down his cheek, but he didn't want them to see. "I won't bother you anymore, I'm sorry, I- I'll just go now."

He started to turn around, quickly brushing away the one tear with his sleeve.

"Where do you think you're going?" It was James again. But this time he sounded more remorseful than angry.

Remus kept his back to his friends and quietly responded: "I understand. You figured it out, I'm a werewolf. I'm a monster. I'll just go upstairs and pack my bags." He sighed and told himself to be strong. They deserved to hear this. "Just so you know . I did, you know, value our friendship. I'm sorry I lied."

"You'd better be, you git!" Sirius shouted. If possible Remus' shoulders hunched over even more.

"Remus," James said softly. "Look at us." Remus didn't turn around, he couldn't face them.

"Remus," he pleaded.

Slowly, very slowly, Remus turned around, trying to prolong it as long as possible. He didn't want to see their hatred in their eyes, or their disgust.

The three of them were just standing there, looking at him.

"I- I'm sorry. I understand really. Just please, please , let me leave, before you start spreading the word that I'm a monster. I knew it was too good to be true anyways. Hogwarts, friends… I understand that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore and-"

"What?" James whispered. "Why wouldn't we want to have anything to do with you anymore?"

Remus looked up at those words. "You just said so yourself! I'm a werewolf! I'm a monster!"

"No you're not! Why would you say such a thing about yourself?"

"Why? Isn't it obvious? I'm an outcast! I'm dangerous! Even my own mother is afraid of me!"

"We're not afraid of you."

Remus' mouth fell open. "You are! I can see it in your eyes. I know that look. You're afraid and angry!"

"Of course we are afraid you asshole." Sirius yelled, "We're afraid for you not of you. And damn right, we are angry. You've been lying to us! Did you think we'd never find out?"

That had been the general idea yes. Thoughts were swarming through Remus' head, making him dizzy. He didn't understand…

"But, I'm a werewolf. I'm a monster."

Sirius moved quickly and before Remus, or anyone else for that matter, could stop him, Sirius had punched Remus solidly in the jaw, making the latter clutch his mouth and stagger backwards.

"Sirius!" James and Peter yelled.

"Don't you ever say that about yourself again!" Sirius yelled in Remus' face. "No friend of mine is a monster." His chest heaving up and down with angry breaths.

"I-I don't understand," Remus whispered, "I'm a werewolf, you're supposed to hate me."

"We're supposed to hate you? Do you think that lowly of us?" Sirius said quietly, sounding hurt.

Remus spoke again, feeling pain shoot through his jaw: "But everyone else does."

"Well, we're not exactly everyone else, are we?" Sirius said, staring Remus straight in his eyes.

Remus was at loss for words.

"Do you really think we'd hate you Remus?" James said, "How could we hate you? You're our best friend. You're the best person I know. Being a werewolf doesn't make you any less of a person."

Remus' mouth fell open at his friend's words, his hand still clutching his throbbing jaw.

"But why didn't you tell us? Didn't you trust as enough? Didn't you think we were important enough to know?" James sounded hurt when he said that and Remus immediately felt bad for making his friend feel that way.

"No! Of course not! You guys mean the world to me! I, someone like me normally doesn't have friends. We're social outcasts, shunned by society, looked down upon. It was a miracle Dumbledore let me into Hogwarts! I'm sorry I lied to you. It made me feel horrible every time, but I couldn't tell you, I just couldn't. Not when I could lose you guys and make my only friends ever hate me."

"Oh, Remus." Sirius shook his head sadly. "We would have never looked down upon you. Don't you see? We're your friends. We could never hate you. We're not angry at you being a werewolf. It's not even your fault! We're just angry you've been lying." Sirius trailed off.

"Yeah," James said. "How could we hate you for something that is out of your control? So what if you have a furry little problem every month?" The last words even made a small smile appear on Remus' mouth.

"Yeah, Remus. Just tell us next time something major is going on. Any other secrets we should know of?" Sirius said smiling. Remus shook his head no. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. His friends didn't hate him? Didn't fear him? He was dazed and prayed to God this wasn't a dream. That his friends were actually accepting him for who he was. The first people ever not to look at him differently when they found out his secret.

"Good. Now you have a lot of explaining to do mister!" Sirius said playfully, leading the overwhelmed boy to the couches where they'd been sitting before. "Does it hurt?" He asked softly.

Remus nodded and started explaining. And when he'd started, he couldn't stop. He explained everything. About him being bitten when he was a little boy, the transformations, how much it hurt, Dumbledore letting him into Hogwarts, the Whomping Willow, Madame Pomfrey, his lies, his life. Everything. They talked all night, the fire slowly dying, and his three friends listened attentively, sometimes asking a question. But most of the time just letting him speak.

The morning sun softly shone through the window by the time Remus had finished telling his friends about his life. Still amazed they hadn't run away screaming.

James sadly shook his head, staring at his friend intensively. "I'm so sorry, Remus. We'll help you. I don't know how yet, but I promise we will." Remus smiled brightly at him, feeling like the luckiest boy in the world.

Sirius cleared his throat nervously and said sheepishly: "And euhm… Remus? I'm sorry I punched you earlier."

Remus looked happily at his friend (his friend!). "Don't worry. It's fine."

James snorted, Peter let out a low chuckle and Sirius laughed nervously like a little boy, which just made his friends laugh even harder.

That early morning, sitting on the Gryffindor common room couches, laughing freely, the four boys became the Marauders.