Coulson was not having a good day. It started with getting stabbed, his collector cards getting ruined, and reached its peak about the time he woke up and it turned out Fury faked his death.

Well, faking his death wasn't necessarily a bad thing… if it weren't for Tony Stark. He had managed to keep his civilian life very well separated from his Shield life. Not even his wife had a clue that he wasn't actually a patent attorney. But when he got stabbed, Stark began digging deeply and came up with the fact that Coulson was actually married.

Now… Now he stared at the phone in complete and utter disbelief. The Avengers were staring at him in confusion, but he didn't really care. "Sweetheart- why are there sirens in the background?"

His wife's unhappy, very, very angry voice blasted out, "CALVIN! CALVIN WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU YOU'RE GOING TO BE- THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOUR STUPID X CHROMOSONE NOT MINE!"

"Wait, back up, what did Calvin do?"

"He dug a hole and hit the main water line!"

There was the faint sound of a cheer in the background. "Mom! Mom! Look! I can fly!"

"CALVIN COULSON IF YOU DO NOT GET OUT OF THAT WATER IMMEDIATELY YOU ARE GROUNDED!"

Coulson shifted uneasily beneath Fury's boring eyes, but kept the phone on determinedly. They could keep on debriefing, if they wanted. He was a little more worried about what Calvin was doing. "KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON YOUNG MAN!"

Oh no. Not again. Coulson hid his face in his hands, "The little nudist is doing it again."

"Yes." Coulson was forced to put the phone at arms length as there was a terrified scream from the other end.

"What-" He asked mildly, when his wife began to swear quietly under her breath.

"Phil, come home now." Her tone brooked no argument. "Your son has broken the main water line, and is currently riding the water like a miniature geyser, stripped naked, and has just thrown Hobbes at Susie-"

"I didn't throw him!" The tiny voice came from a distance, but was still distinctive in his protests. He sounded to be about six years old, "He jumped off when he saw Susie, the big scaredy-cat!"

"I can tell that my popularity polls are going to go down." Coulson murmured dryly, already calculating how long it would take to get back home, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Good. You can pull him out of the main water line. Oh no, it's the police."

"Mmm, which ones?"

"Uhhh, judging by the shape, I think it's Officer Grimm. Good, he's got a one-year-old as well."

"He usually answers calls in our area." Coulson agreed, ignoring the flabbergasted looks around him. "I'll be home as soon as possible."

He turned off the phone, and stood up, straightening his tie. That's when the Avengers decided to make themselves known.

"Nudist?"

"Water pipe?"

"Hobbes?"

"You get regular police officers?"

"Wait, why didn't you tell us you were married?"

"You named your kid Calvin?"

Coulson ignored them all- sometimes he wished that they were his kids instead of Calvin… it would make life so much easier.

At the very least he wouldn't have to listen to quarterly popularity reports that said how much Calvin hated him.

-end-