What Does She Really Want?

Look at them.

Rachel Karen Green sat on a stool at a table behind the orange couch in Central Perk, a popular gathering place for her and her friends to talk and drink coffee.

Chandler Bing enjoyed "maintaining" Monica Geller, whom he had just described as not easy-going but passionate.

Now they were smiling and laughing with their friend Phoebe Buffay.

They fit so well together.

Chandler's arm draped around Monica's shoulders seemed so right. The comfortableness they shared was there for all to see.

What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she find that kind of simple happiness?

Maybe she'd had it with Ross Geller, Monica's older brother, and never realized it, but she didn't think so. Things had never really been simple between them. Unrequited love marked Ross' journey towards her, and then complications galore had arisen once they had been together and Ross had deemed they'd been "on a break" when he chose to sleep with another woman after they'd had a vehement argument over a man who, ironically enough, Rachel had not been sleeping with.

She shook her head as she tried to comprehend exactly what she would call her relationship with Ross. Not simple, she concluded sadly.

Had Monica and Chandler ever had a fight?

If they'd had, she'd never seen the effects of it. She admired Chandler. She'd lived with Monica. She knew she was not the easiest person to get along with, even though she loved her like a sister and would do anything for her.

Wouldn't she?

She grudgingly admitted she admired Monica, too. She knew how she had overcome her weight battle and the insecurities she'd had to endure while growing up in her brother's shadow.

Maybe that's why she and Chandler got along so well. They did have a lot in common, as far as troubled childhoods and insecurities were concerned.

When had this whole thing started between them anyway? Oh, she knew about London, but she also knew a layer or two more to their friendship had always existed than what their friends were privy to. He'd always treated her with kindness and gentleness. He seemed to hold Monica in somewhat higher esteem than he did either she or Phoebe and had shown her a bit of favoritism at times. Quite a bit, now that Rachel thought about it. Not that Rachel minded, of course. And she was sure Phoebe didn't either. Right? He'd comforted Monica after a rough break-up or a tough day at work where she was sometimes considered an outsider.

Why couldn't she have someone like that in her life? Why did everything suddenly seem to be a struggle? Would she ever be truly happy again?

Of course she would. This was just a slow time for her in the relationship department. She knew if she had someone in her life, she wouldn't give Chandler and Monica a second thought. After all, they were Chandler and Monica. So they were together and, from what she could see, deliriously happy. So what? Good for them. It would happen for her. Wouldn't it?

Of course it will. You're just too uptight to let anything happen. Take a chill pill. Relax. Monica is not the only one destined to be happy.

But did she really believe that? She had to. She had to believe there was someone out there for her. Her Chandler. That thought made her pause. Is that what she really wanted?

Yes. I want simple. I want fun. I want to know what it's like to just be with someone who doesn't drive me crazy. Who isn't thinking all the time. Who isn't wondering about my every move. I want easy. I want smooth-sailing. No rough spots. Just simple, easy, and comfortable. Was that too much to ask?

Apparently so, because when she saw Monica snuggling closer to Chandler and Chandler kissing the top of her dark tresses, she wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all.

Except what was truly unfair about two people expressing their love? Their happiness? The fact that fate had chosen to smile upon them?

She would not, could not begrudge her friends their path to happiness and love. She was and would be a better person than that.

Growing weary of her own thoughts, she slid off the stool and was about to leave the coffeehouse unnoticed when she ran right into the man who had been consuming almost every moment of her waking hours that day.

Ross.

While she allowed herself a moment to drink in his handsome face and his dark, expressive eyes as he held her by the arms to steady her from their collision, all thoughts of Chandler and Monica disappeared as quickly as they had come to be replaced by the ones she knew, in her very heart and soul, to be true no matter how much she tried to fight or ignore them.

It's never going to be easy, but that's not what I want.

She suddenly knew, without a doubt. No matter whom she met, no matter where she went, no matter what she did. Her life, her very existence would come down to these simple, yet powerful and somewhat terrifying but honest words:

It's always going to be you, Ross. It just is. And I never want that to change.

As she left Central Perk after acknowledging Ross and saying good-bye to the others, she felt lighter than she had in a very long time because she realized she was fine with the truth of those words because, after all, Rachel Karen Green, the woman who had left a groom at the altar and had basically started a whole new life with the friends she had now, had never done simple.

And deep down she knew she never would.

THE END