The characters herein are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Fox Studios. They are used without permission, expectation of profit or intent of infringement. This story contains some adult language and descriptions of violence; those who are squeamish or underage must use their best judgment. The story is set during the fourth season of BTVS, between the episodes "Doomed" and "A New Man," which I identify as the Christmas break of Buffy's freshman year, and refers to various events before that point. For ATS, this episode falls almost immediately after "Hero." I welcome any and all comments; send praise or flames to [email protected].
Thanks go to Shoshanna, who had a brilliant idea and was kind enough to let me use it, to Jessica, who provided a wealth of inspiration along the way, to the magnificent beta-reading team of Tara, Amanda, Amy, Ruth and Lacy, and to Rodney, who realized what Giles forgot to do on Christmas Day. Also, this fic was conceived (entirely) and written (just barely) before the season five episode "Real Me" aired. It represents my best efforts to explain some of the character development of Season Four.
Rating: R
Category: Angst, Drama
Archive: Wherever you'd like, but please let me know first
Summary: Moving from the past to the future isn't easy.
******************
IN HARM'S WAY
by Yahtzee
[email protected]
******************
"I'm just saying that you don't seem to -- listen -- anymore," Gregory said hesitantly. Tess rolled her eyes, and he sighed. "There you go again. Dismissing me."
"I don't see why we have to overanalyze this," Tess said. "Or why you're always the one with deep issues. I thought men were from Mars, women were from Venus, you know? Plus, I don't see why we have to fight in front of our friends."
"We're not fighting. We're discussing, in a calm, rational manner, why you won't share the simplest, most basic things with me."
"Oh, if you're going to make such a big deal about it --" Tess said. She shook her head and dropped the battered, semiconscious boy at Gregory's feet. "Have at it. Don't say I never gave you anything."
Gregory smiled. "I'm so glad we could be open about this," he said, before biting into their victim's neck. The boy made a small, strangled cry as he died.
Tess and Gregory's companion winced at the sound; Gregory didn't notice her, and Tess pretended not to.
When he was finished, Gregory hugged Tess and ruffled her dark hair. "This has been such a great night for us. I'm thinking we should follow this up back at the lair -- maybe with a little Kenny G --"
"Remember that I did not even bitch about the Kenny G the next time you start this do-you-love-me crap," Tess cuddled into his side but looked at their companion instead. "We can do that later. Right now, I think I'd like to watch Harmony hunt."
Harmony swallowed hard. "Me? Uh, I don't know."
"What's your problem, Harmony?" Tess jeered. "Come to think of it, I've never seen you eat a bite. What, are you scared of the humans?"
"Tess -- lay off a second," Gregory said, reaching out to touch Harmony's shoulder. "Harmony -- I hesitate to say this, but it's got to be said -- don't be scared to tell me the truth. We'll back you all the way. Do you have some kind of -- eating disorder?"
"What?" Harmony said. "No way. Anorexia is so '80s."
"Then what kind of loser are you?" Tess snapped. "You're tagging along after us all the time, ever since Spike dumped you --"
"I dumped him!"
"Uh-huh, right," Tess said. "An eight-month-old vampire dumped the Big Bad. And you're not lining the bottom of an ashtray. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it, Gregory?"
"Spike was not good at dealing with interpersonal conflicts," Gregory said.
"When are you going to get with the program?" Tess said.
"I'm with the program," Harmony said. "Honest. I am."
Tess and Gregory just stared at her, and she began to wish she'd asked Spike more about being undead. He'd always snapped at her for asking so many questions, but he did always answer them in the end. Spike would have told her, for instance, whether vampires ever drank the blood of other vampires.
"So what's your part of the program, Harmony?" Tess said with a smile Harmony liked even less than her usual smiles. "If you're not going to hunt something for my amusement, or kill something for my supper, what good are you, really?"
"Now, Tess, there's no reason to be unkind," Gregory said. "Then again, we do owe it to ourselves to surround ourselves with positive energy."
Harmony began reviewing as much as she could remember from what Spike had told her. This included a lot of information about Drusilla and the many evils of fungus demons, none of which seemed particularly useful. The things he used to rant about -- maybe she didn't miss him so much after all.
Gregory was looking skeptical. Tess was looking hungry. Harmony tried very, very hard to think. A solitary idea dropped into her head.. "I -- I think I might have a plan. A part of the program."
"A plan to what?" Tess asked. "Follow us around like a little puppy?"
"A plan to take care of the Slayer for good," Harmony announced proudly.
The other two vampires looked at her for a long moment, then burst into laughter. Harmony folded her arms in front of her chest. "It's a good plan!"
"Oh, this I have to see," Tess said. "Too bad the Master didn't have you around to protect him. Little Harmony's going to kill the Slayer."
"I'm not gonna kill her," Harmony said.
This, at last, got their attention. "So what are you going to do?" Gregory asked.
Harmony explained as quickly as she could, and she actually started to smile as she watched Tess and Gregory's faces change, slowly, into respect.
"Damn," Tess said. "That's a good idea."
"So what are we waiting on?" Harmony said, high on her unexpected success.
Tess pointed toward the east, which was becoming faintly pink. "Not sunrise, I guess."
"Uh, good point," Harmony said.
"But tomorrow, right?" Gregory said. "We can get everyone in on it today. This is going to be fantastic!"
"Yeah," Harmony said. "This is going to be -- fun."
And it had been way too long since she had had fun. She felt a grin spreading across her face as they began running through the last of the darkness, laughing.
"Do you have to go?" Buffy asked. "I mean, absolutely positively?"
"Absolutely," Riley said, dropping a quick kiss on her forehead. "Positively. Funny thing about Christmas. Your parents usually want you around."
Buffy tried to smile. "Most parents. Not mine."
Riley frowned; even though they were in public -- the Stevenson dorm lobby, filled with students dragging bags of dirty laundry to their cars -- he still moved closer to put his arm around her shoulder. "Buffy, what are you talking about?"
"Okay, my mom's off the hook," Buffy said. "She's on this once-in-a-lifetime trip to Africa to buy some pieces for the gallery. But my dad is -- my dad."
"Which means?"
"He's a busy guy," Buffy said. It sounded lame, sure, but not as lame as it had sounded when her dad said it.
"Buffy --"
"It's okay," she said reassuringly. "I've got Willow and Xander and Giles to keep me company. And after finals, I could use some crash time, you know?"
"Do you want to come with me?" Riley said.
"You mean to Iowa?" Buffy asked. "You're joking."
"I wouldn't joke about this," Riley said. "We could get you a ticket on the internet today; I'd be there waiting for you at the airport tomorrow."
"Wouldn't your parents think we're pretty serious? I mean, me coming to meet them and spend the holidays --"
"They'll probably think that," Riley said. "It's what I think, too."
"That's really sweet," Buffy said softly. "But I'm gonna pass. Some of my friends are alone for the holidays too. We ought to stick together."
"Thinking of your friends first. I shouldn't have expected anything less," Riley said, drawing her into his arms for a long, slow kiss.
The sensation of kissing Riley was still very new; Buffy turned her mind away from the strangeness and let herself enjoy the moment. To be standing out in the open, kissing a man while the sunlight poured in, not caring if the whole world could see -- how nice. How sweet. How -- weird.
Riley stepped away and took a deep breath. "Okay. That should leave me with pleasant memories to keep me amused on the plane."
"You're telling me goodbye for three whole weeks, and you're worried about being amused on the plane?" Buffy frowned.
"The last inflight movie I saw? 'Inspector Gadget.' Don't mock my pain."
"Point taken," Buffy said. "But hurry back, so I can amuse you for real."
Riley kissed her once more, then grabbed up his duffel and jogged out the dormitory's front door. Buffy watched him go, momentarily oblivious to anything besides how nice Riley could look leaving a building -- something to be said for a pair of jeans that fit a man just so --
"Someone's glazing over."
Buffy turned around to see Willow smiling knowingly. She rolled her eyes. "I'm not glazing. Maybe misting."
"Riley's mist-worthy," Willow agreed. "So, has this taken a boyfriendly turn?"
"I guess so," Buffy said. Her smile faded a bit as her expression grew more determined. "Yeah. Yeah, it has."
"That was very believable."
Buffy sighed. "It has taken a turn for the boyfriendly. Definitely. I mean, what's not to like? Riley's sweet, and he's caring, and he's dedicated, and it looks like he can deal with the whole Slayer thing."
"Don't forget the part about him being really hot," Willow said.
"Believe me, I was not forgetting that," Buffy said. She smiled a little as she flopped down on one of the dorm lobby sofas. Willow sat on the arm and looked down at Buffy inquisitvely.
"So why, when you're telling me all this, do you sound just a little too convincing?"
"It's just hard for me to compare what I'm feeling now for Riley to what I'm still feeling --" Buffy paused.
"For Angel," Willow finished.
After a moment of silence, Buffy blurted out, "I mean, it's been six months already. I've only seen him once in all that time, and that was only for a few minutes -- and it was enough to rip my heart open. God, Willow, when does it stop hurting?"
"Can't tell you," Willow said. "But when you find out, can you let me know?"
Buffy cringed. "I'm sorry, Wil. Here I am going on about my own problems, which consist of having a totally great guy interested in me, while you're still in Dumpsville."
"Population: Me." But Willow was smiling again. "Buffy, Angel was your first love. You're not supposed to get over him just like that."
"I know that," Buffy said. "I just want to know when I will get over him. Whether I ever really get to begin again."
Willow said, "I think you and Riley should just go with it. I bet you'll be starting over in no time."
"Starting over. God, it's wonderful."
"Are you telling me you're turning over a new leaf?" Xander said.
"It's a lot like my old leaf," answered Spike. He was rubbing his hands together enthusiastically as he paced the narrow confines of Xander's basement. "Only now I kill demons instead of you lot. No offense."
"None taken either way," Anya said, from her place on the inflatable chair.
"It's more challenging anyway, isn't it? I mean, humans. Slow, vulnerable, none too bright as a rule. Never had a bit of trouble offing them, at least before this blasted -- whatever the commando-boys did to me. Now, demons -- they're fast. They've got claws and lightning bolts and secret powers and what-all. That's a real man's prey, there."
"As interesting as this exercise in rationalization may be," Xander said, "it doesn't explain why there's wood all over my floor."
"I fetched that from the lumberyard last night," Spike said.
"Fetched, as in stole. Gotcha," Xander said. "Still doesn't explain why. I don't suppose you're making stakes? Contemplating another suicide attempt?"
"Sorry to dash your hopes, but no," Spike said. "I figure that, as long as I'm now a member of this crime-fighting unit, I'd better start getting settled in. As I don't fancy being lashed to your chair on a nightly basis, I was thinking of building a loft. That would suit me fine."
"You can't live here forever, Spike --" Xander said.
"Gotta back Xander up on this one," Anya said. "I like you, Spike. You're smart, and you're funny, and you're not confusing like humans. But while you're in the basement, Xander and I can't have sex. So when are you moving out?"
"There's nothing I'd like better than to leave you two to your dank basement of love," Spike said. "But until you can convince Buffy and Giles that I should draw a salary for my good deeds, I'm stuck here. With you."
"Why should you get paid?" Xander said. "I don't get paid. Buffy doesn't get paid. Giles -- well, I think he used to get paid --"
"Buffy has a daft and loving mum," Spike said. "Giles seems to be independently wealthy. You have a collection of little plastic name tags that speaks volumes about your employability. But the financial prospects for vampires are a bit bleak -- that is, if I leave off stealing, which I suppose I've got to, what with the being on the side of good and all." He frowned, then folded his arms across his chest. "And, of course, I am not beginning my new life as every demon's worst nightmare wearing this."
Anya looked at Spike's Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts. "I don't know. You're pretty nightmarish."
"These are my clothes you're talking about, Anya," Xander said.
"Exactly," Spike said. "I need some new threads. Preferably just like my old threads. And I'm not budging until I get the money for them. And a new place. And so forth."
"Excuse me?" Xander said. "This is my basement. If I say you have to go, you have to go."
"Try and make me," Spike said. "I'd rather be dust than be seen in your togs."
"You say this as though staking you would be a problem for me."
"Xander, I think that's an example of what you called 'needless hostility,'" Anya said. "You said we were supposed to avoid that around our friends."
"A category into which Spike does NOT fit."
"But he's one of the Scooby Gang now, right?"
Spike made a gagging sound. When Anya and Xander turned to face him, he shook his head. "'Sall right. I just -- hadn't thought of it in those terms before. Just need a moment to get used to it."
Xander ran one hand through his hair. "Against all our better judgment, yeah, I guess he's part of the team."
"So, that's settled," Anya said. "And all we have to do right now is get him some new clothes, so he's not ashamed to leave the house. He'll be out all night, and that leaves the basement for us. We can even take a trip to the mall tonight."
"Anya, I am not paying for Spike's visit to The Gap."
"What? Forget that," Spike said. "I'm not really the fleece-vest type, in case you hadn't noticed."
"It's on me," Anya said, holding up a credit card. "I filled out some little paper cards I got in the mail, and now I have about 30 of these things. And they're all as good as money."
Xander blanched. "How much have you used the credit cards, Anya?"
"Just for some new clothes. And the haircut. And the new color. And your Christmas presents. And some Christmas presents for me, too."
"Ohhh-kay. We have to talk about this," Xander said. "And the first thing I'm going to tell you about is the after-Christmas sale. If you're going to buy the peroxide pariah new outfits, at least make sure you get them on the cheap."
"I don't see why you're unhappy that I'm buying him some clothes," Anya said. "It's just so he'll leave, and we can have sex again."
"She makes a good point, doesn't she?" Spike said.
"I hate you," Xander said.
"How is it?" Giles asked.
Willow tried to smile. "Um, I'm sure that if you're, you know, into eggnog, it's great."
"I'm into eggnog," Buffy said. "It's the noggiest."
"Thank you, I suppose," Giles said. "Willow, perhaps you could bring some of your family treats over next time."
"I don't know. Challah has its place and all, but I think I'm going to stick with the little chocolate Santas," Willow said, resolutely biting off one Santa's head.
"Now, what is this next film we're going to see?" Giles said, settling down on the sofa beside Willow.
"I can't believe you've never seen 'A Christmas Story,' Giles," Willow said. "This is a classic. The classic of any American holiday season."
"What about 'It's a Wonderful Life?'" Giles asked.
"Out with the '90s," Willow said.
"An interesting definition of classic you Americans have," Giles said. "Buffy, aren't you joining us?"
Buffy, who had gotten to her feet, shook her head. "If you guys don't mind, I'm gonna pass."
"Buffy? You okay?" Willow asked.
"Sure. Just getting a little sleepy, I guess," Buffy said. "Tell Xander and Anya hi for me. What the hell -- Spike too. It's the holidays, right?"
"If the Christmas spirit applies to Spike, which I think is arguable," Giles said. "Good night, Buffy. We'll see you tomorrow morning, right?"
"Right," Buffy said, smiling as she went outside. But the smile faded as soon as the door swung shut.
It was cold by Sunnydale standards; the temperature had dipped into the low 40s, and Buffy tugged her coat around her a little more securely. The last time she'd felt this cold was last Christmas. God -- last Christmas.
She could still see Angel's face as it had looked then: tears on his cheeks, anguish in every shadow. Could still hear his voice -- "Just this once let me be strong."
And she could still hear her own. "I wish I wished you dead. I don't. I can't --"
There it is, Angel, she thought. If your turning evil and my sending you to hell didn't make me stop loving you, then what makes you think I'll stop because you took a trip to L.A.?
He'd gone to make her life better, he'd said. Buffy knew he believed it. And some things were easier; she'd admit that much. She didn't have to deal with the disapproval that had radiated from Xander or her mother any time she'd as much as mentioned Angel's name. She could make plans to go out with her friends without worrying about setting aside some time for Angel, who depended on her as his only real human contact.
But that mattered so little, compared to the loss she felt. Angel understood her -- as a person, as a Slayer. Willow and Giles and Xander did too, of course; they were part of her history, part of her life. Riley -- sweet and kind though he might be -- was not. He said he wanted to know everything about her, said it with a smile on his face. That should have warmed her to the core. Instead, she could only remember how Angel had known everything about her at first sight. Known, and loved --
Besides, how did you start explaining this stuff? Did she start with the Master? With the Mayor? Her first Watcher? Faith? Buffy cringed as she tried to imagine telling Riley that she'd stabbed someone and put her into a coma. Could he ever understand that? Could he really ever accept her?
She tried to picture Riley's face as it had looked this afternoon, when he'd drawn her close and kissed her. But the hours-old memory seemed more distant than the image of Angel, surrounded by falling snow, looking up in wonder.
"'Scuse me? Buffy? Is that you?"
Buffy shook herself from her reverie to glance over at whomever had called her; to her surprise, Harmony came toddling out on kiwi-green platform shoes. "Oh, hey, it is you. You look great -- which is more than I can say. Can you believe these things?" Harmony said, gesturing at the absurdly high shoes. "Like, I was so praying that the 70s retro thing would die a quick death. No such luck, huh?"
"Harmony, you're kinda new at this whole vampire thing, so take a tip from an old pro," Buffy said tiredly. "If you're a vampire, and you see a Vampire Slayer, don't call her over to check out your wardrobe. Run the other way." She pulled a stake out from her coat pocket, more annoyed than anything else. "I don't expect you to live long enough to put this advice to good use. But, these last few seconds before I dust you, consider it food for thought."
"I have other plans for dinner," Harmony said, her face morphing into a vampire's scowl.
"Ooooh. Eeek," Buffy said, straight-faced. Well, this wasn't going to be any fun -- staking people she'd known during their lives was never easy, but she'd done it often enough, and to people she'd liked a lot better than Harmony.
But as she drew her arm back for her first blow, something hit her, a white-hot dart of pain in the shoulder. "Ow!" Buffy yelled, wheeling around to see what had hit her.
Far behind her was a small cluster of vampires, all huddled around one vamp who had -- was that a gun? She hadn't been shot -- she was strong, but she couldn't be standing after that, could she? --
Buffy reached behind her to feel her back; her fingers brushed against something sticking out of her, something hard, maybe plastic. She tugged it out -- funny, she didn't feel anything as she did that -- and looked at it.
A tranquilizer dart.
"Maybe you shouldn't be giving advice so much, Buffy," Harmony said. Buffy looked up at her; Harmony's face was going in and out of focus. Buffy knew she ought to care about that, ought to care even more about the vampires she could hear approaching behind her. But she didn't. She felt nothing in her heart, nothing in her body -- nothing besides a warm, rushing sensation that was almost pleasant, really --
"Maybe you ought to look out for yourself," Harmony said.
And that was the last thing Buffy heard. The last thing she felt was her body thudding into the pavement; it should have hurt, but it didn't. Nothing hurt any more.
The last thing she saw was Harmony's face, humanlike once again, smiling down at her.
END PART ONE
Thanks go to Shoshanna, who had a brilliant idea and was kind enough to let me use it, to Jessica, who provided a wealth of inspiration along the way, to the magnificent beta-reading team of Tara, Amanda, Amy, Ruth and Lacy, and to Rodney, who realized what Giles forgot to do on Christmas Day. Also, this fic was conceived (entirely) and written (just barely) before the season five episode "Real Me" aired. It represents my best efforts to explain some of the character development of Season Four.
Rating: R
Category: Angst, Drama
Archive: Wherever you'd like, but please let me know first
Summary: Moving from the past to the future isn't easy.
******************
IN HARM'S WAY
by Yahtzee
[email protected]
******************
"I'm just saying that you don't seem to -- listen -- anymore," Gregory said hesitantly. Tess rolled her eyes, and he sighed. "There you go again. Dismissing me."
"I don't see why we have to overanalyze this," Tess said. "Or why you're always the one with deep issues. I thought men were from Mars, women were from Venus, you know? Plus, I don't see why we have to fight in front of our friends."
"We're not fighting. We're discussing, in a calm, rational manner, why you won't share the simplest, most basic things with me."
"Oh, if you're going to make such a big deal about it --" Tess said. She shook her head and dropped the battered, semiconscious boy at Gregory's feet. "Have at it. Don't say I never gave you anything."
Gregory smiled. "I'm so glad we could be open about this," he said, before biting into their victim's neck. The boy made a small, strangled cry as he died.
Tess and Gregory's companion winced at the sound; Gregory didn't notice her, and Tess pretended not to.
When he was finished, Gregory hugged Tess and ruffled her dark hair. "This has been such a great night for us. I'm thinking we should follow this up back at the lair -- maybe with a little Kenny G --"
"Remember that I did not even bitch about the Kenny G the next time you start this do-you-love-me crap," Tess cuddled into his side but looked at their companion instead. "We can do that later. Right now, I think I'd like to watch Harmony hunt."
Harmony swallowed hard. "Me? Uh, I don't know."
"What's your problem, Harmony?" Tess jeered. "Come to think of it, I've never seen you eat a bite. What, are you scared of the humans?"
"Tess -- lay off a second," Gregory said, reaching out to touch Harmony's shoulder. "Harmony -- I hesitate to say this, but it's got to be said -- don't be scared to tell me the truth. We'll back you all the way. Do you have some kind of -- eating disorder?"
"What?" Harmony said. "No way. Anorexia is so '80s."
"Then what kind of loser are you?" Tess snapped. "You're tagging along after us all the time, ever since Spike dumped you --"
"I dumped him!"
"Uh-huh, right," Tess said. "An eight-month-old vampire dumped the Big Bad. And you're not lining the bottom of an ashtray. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it, Gregory?"
"Spike was not good at dealing with interpersonal conflicts," Gregory said.
"When are you going to get with the program?" Tess said.
"I'm with the program," Harmony said. "Honest. I am."
Tess and Gregory just stared at her, and she began to wish she'd asked Spike more about being undead. He'd always snapped at her for asking so many questions, but he did always answer them in the end. Spike would have told her, for instance, whether vampires ever drank the blood of other vampires.
"So what's your part of the program, Harmony?" Tess said with a smile Harmony liked even less than her usual smiles. "If you're not going to hunt something for my amusement, or kill something for my supper, what good are you, really?"
"Now, Tess, there's no reason to be unkind," Gregory said. "Then again, we do owe it to ourselves to surround ourselves with positive energy."
Harmony began reviewing as much as she could remember from what Spike had told her. This included a lot of information about Drusilla and the many evils of fungus demons, none of which seemed particularly useful. The things he used to rant about -- maybe she didn't miss him so much after all.
Gregory was looking skeptical. Tess was looking hungry. Harmony tried very, very hard to think. A solitary idea dropped into her head.. "I -- I think I might have a plan. A part of the program."
"A plan to what?" Tess asked. "Follow us around like a little puppy?"
"A plan to take care of the Slayer for good," Harmony announced proudly.
The other two vampires looked at her for a long moment, then burst into laughter. Harmony folded her arms in front of her chest. "It's a good plan!"
"Oh, this I have to see," Tess said. "Too bad the Master didn't have you around to protect him. Little Harmony's going to kill the Slayer."
"I'm not gonna kill her," Harmony said.
This, at last, got their attention. "So what are you going to do?" Gregory asked.
Harmony explained as quickly as she could, and she actually started to smile as she watched Tess and Gregory's faces change, slowly, into respect.
"Damn," Tess said. "That's a good idea."
"So what are we waiting on?" Harmony said, high on her unexpected success.
Tess pointed toward the east, which was becoming faintly pink. "Not sunrise, I guess."
"Uh, good point," Harmony said.
"But tomorrow, right?" Gregory said. "We can get everyone in on it today. This is going to be fantastic!"
"Yeah," Harmony said. "This is going to be -- fun."
And it had been way too long since she had had fun. She felt a grin spreading across her face as they began running through the last of the darkness, laughing.
"Do you have to go?" Buffy asked. "I mean, absolutely positively?"
"Absolutely," Riley said, dropping a quick kiss on her forehead. "Positively. Funny thing about Christmas. Your parents usually want you around."
Buffy tried to smile. "Most parents. Not mine."
Riley frowned; even though they were in public -- the Stevenson dorm lobby, filled with students dragging bags of dirty laundry to their cars -- he still moved closer to put his arm around her shoulder. "Buffy, what are you talking about?"
"Okay, my mom's off the hook," Buffy said. "She's on this once-in-a-lifetime trip to Africa to buy some pieces for the gallery. But my dad is -- my dad."
"Which means?"
"He's a busy guy," Buffy said. It sounded lame, sure, but not as lame as it had sounded when her dad said it.
"Buffy --"
"It's okay," she said reassuringly. "I've got Willow and Xander and Giles to keep me company. And after finals, I could use some crash time, you know?"
"Do you want to come with me?" Riley said.
"You mean to Iowa?" Buffy asked. "You're joking."
"I wouldn't joke about this," Riley said. "We could get you a ticket on the internet today; I'd be there waiting for you at the airport tomorrow."
"Wouldn't your parents think we're pretty serious? I mean, me coming to meet them and spend the holidays --"
"They'll probably think that," Riley said. "It's what I think, too."
"That's really sweet," Buffy said softly. "But I'm gonna pass. Some of my friends are alone for the holidays too. We ought to stick together."
"Thinking of your friends first. I shouldn't have expected anything less," Riley said, drawing her into his arms for a long, slow kiss.
The sensation of kissing Riley was still very new; Buffy turned her mind away from the strangeness and let herself enjoy the moment. To be standing out in the open, kissing a man while the sunlight poured in, not caring if the whole world could see -- how nice. How sweet. How -- weird.
Riley stepped away and took a deep breath. "Okay. That should leave me with pleasant memories to keep me amused on the plane."
"You're telling me goodbye for three whole weeks, and you're worried about being amused on the plane?" Buffy frowned.
"The last inflight movie I saw? 'Inspector Gadget.' Don't mock my pain."
"Point taken," Buffy said. "But hurry back, so I can amuse you for real."
Riley kissed her once more, then grabbed up his duffel and jogged out the dormitory's front door. Buffy watched him go, momentarily oblivious to anything besides how nice Riley could look leaving a building -- something to be said for a pair of jeans that fit a man just so --
"Someone's glazing over."
Buffy turned around to see Willow smiling knowingly. She rolled her eyes. "I'm not glazing. Maybe misting."
"Riley's mist-worthy," Willow agreed. "So, has this taken a boyfriendly turn?"
"I guess so," Buffy said. Her smile faded a bit as her expression grew more determined. "Yeah. Yeah, it has."
"That was very believable."
Buffy sighed. "It has taken a turn for the boyfriendly. Definitely. I mean, what's not to like? Riley's sweet, and he's caring, and he's dedicated, and it looks like he can deal with the whole Slayer thing."
"Don't forget the part about him being really hot," Willow said.
"Believe me, I was not forgetting that," Buffy said. She smiled a little as she flopped down on one of the dorm lobby sofas. Willow sat on the arm and looked down at Buffy inquisitvely.
"So why, when you're telling me all this, do you sound just a little too convincing?"
"It's just hard for me to compare what I'm feeling now for Riley to what I'm still feeling --" Buffy paused.
"For Angel," Willow finished.
After a moment of silence, Buffy blurted out, "I mean, it's been six months already. I've only seen him once in all that time, and that was only for a few minutes -- and it was enough to rip my heart open. God, Willow, when does it stop hurting?"
"Can't tell you," Willow said. "But when you find out, can you let me know?"
Buffy cringed. "I'm sorry, Wil. Here I am going on about my own problems, which consist of having a totally great guy interested in me, while you're still in Dumpsville."
"Population: Me." But Willow was smiling again. "Buffy, Angel was your first love. You're not supposed to get over him just like that."
"I know that," Buffy said. "I just want to know when I will get over him. Whether I ever really get to begin again."
Willow said, "I think you and Riley should just go with it. I bet you'll be starting over in no time."
"Starting over. God, it's wonderful."
"Are you telling me you're turning over a new leaf?" Xander said.
"It's a lot like my old leaf," answered Spike. He was rubbing his hands together enthusiastically as he paced the narrow confines of Xander's basement. "Only now I kill demons instead of you lot. No offense."
"None taken either way," Anya said, from her place on the inflatable chair.
"It's more challenging anyway, isn't it? I mean, humans. Slow, vulnerable, none too bright as a rule. Never had a bit of trouble offing them, at least before this blasted -- whatever the commando-boys did to me. Now, demons -- they're fast. They've got claws and lightning bolts and secret powers and what-all. That's a real man's prey, there."
"As interesting as this exercise in rationalization may be," Xander said, "it doesn't explain why there's wood all over my floor."
"I fetched that from the lumberyard last night," Spike said.
"Fetched, as in stole. Gotcha," Xander said. "Still doesn't explain why. I don't suppose you're making stakes? Contemplating another suicide attempt?"
"Sorry to dash your hopes, but no," Spike said. "I figure that, as long as I'm now a member of this crime-fighting unit, I'd better start getting settled in. As I don't fancy being lashed to your chair on a nightly basis, I was thinking of building a loft. That would suit me fine."
"You can't live here forever, Spike --" Xander said.
"Gotta back Xander up on this one," Anya said. "I like you, Spike. You're smart, and you're funny, and you're not confusing like humans. But while you're in the basement, Xander and I can't have sex. So when are you moving out?"
"There's nothing I'd like better than to leave you two to your dank basement of love," Spike said. "But until you can convince Buffy and Giles that I should draw a salary for my good deeds, I'm stuck here. With you."
"Why should you get paid?" Xander said. "I don't get paid. Buffy doesn't get paid. Giles -- well, I think he used to get paid --"
"Buffy has a daft and loving mum," Spike said. "Giles seems to be independently wealthy. You have a collection of little plastic name tags that speaks volumes about your employability. But the financial prospects for vampires are a bit bleak -- that is, if I leave off stealing, which I suppose I've got to, what with the being on the side of good and all." He frowned, then folded his arms across his chest. "And, of course, I am not beginning my new life as every demon's worst nightmare wearing this."
Anya looked at Spike's Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts. "I don't know. You're pretty nightmarish."
"These are my clothes you're talking about, Anya," Xander said.
"Exactly," Spike said. "I need some new threads. Preferably just like my old threads. And I'm not budging until I get the money for them. And a new place. And so forth."
"Excuse me?" Xander said. "This is my basement. If I say you have to go, you have to go."
"Try and make me," Spike said. "I'd rather be dust than be seen in your togs."
"You say this as though staking you would be a problem for me."
"Xander, I think that's an example of what you called 'needless hostility,'" Anya said. "You said we were supposed to avoid that around our friends."
"A category into which Spike does NOT fit."
"But he's one of the Scooby Gang now, right?"
Spike made a gagging sound. When Anya and Xander turned to face him, he shook his head. "'Sall right. I just -- hadn't thought of it in those terms before. Just need a moment to get used to it."
Xander ran one hand through his hair. "Against all our better judgment, yeah, I guess he's part of the team."
"So, that's settled," Anya said. "And all we have to do right now is get him some new clothes, so he's not ashamed to leave the house. He'll be out all night, and that leaves the basement for us. We can even take a trip to the mall tonight."
"Anya, I am not paying for Spike's visit to The Gap."
"What? Forget that," Spike said. "I'm not really the fleece-vest type, in case you hadn't noticed."
"It's on me," Anya said, holding up a credit card. "I filled out some little paper cards I got in the mail, and now I have about 30 of these things. And they're all as good as money."
Xander blanched. "How much have you used the credit cards, Anya?"
"Just for some new clothes. And the haircut. And the new color. And your Christmas presents. And some Christmas presents for me, too."
"Ohhh-kay. We have to talk about this," Xander said. "And the first thing I'm going to tell you about is the after-Christmas sale. If you're going to buy the peroxide pariah new outfits, at least make sure you get them on the cheap."
"I don't see why you're unhappy that I'm buying him some clothes," Anya said. "It's just so he'll leave, and we can have sex again."
"She makes a good point, doesn't she?" Spike said.
"I hate you," Xander said.
"How is it?" Giles asked.
Willow tried to smile. "Um, I'm sure that if you're, you know, into eggnog, it's great."
"I'm into eggnog," Buffy said. "It's the noggiest."
"Thank you, I suppose," Giles said. "Willow, perhaps you could bring some of your family treats over next time."
"I don't know. Challah has its place and all, but I think I'm going to stick with the little chocolate Santas," Willow said, resolutely biting off one Santa's head.
"Now, what is this next film we're going to see?" Giles said, settling down on the sofa beside Willow.
"I can't believe you've never seen 'A Christmas Story,' Giles," Willow said. "This is a classic. The classic of any American holiday season."
"What about 'It's a Wonderful Life?'" Giles asked.
"Out with the '90s," Willow said.
"An interesting definition of classic you Americans have," Giles said. "Buffy, aren't you joining us?"
Buffy, who had gotten to her feet, shook her head. "If you guys don't mind, I'm gonna pass."
"Buffy? You okay?" Willow asked.
"Sure. Just getting a little sleepy, I guess," Buffy said. "Tell Xander and Anya hi for me. What the hell -- Spike too. It's the holidays, right?"
"If the Christmas spirit applies to Spike, which I think is arguable," Giles said. "Good night, Buffy. We'll see you tomorrow morning, right?"
"Right," Buffy said, smiling as she went outside. But the smile faded as soon as the door swung shut.
It was cold by Sunnydale standards; the temperature had dipped into the low 40s, and Buffy tugged her coat around her a little more securely. The last time she'd felt this cold was last Christmas. God -- last Christmas.
She could still see Angel's face as it had looked then: tears on his cheeks, anguish in every shadow. Could still hear his voice -- "Just this once let me be strong."
And she could still hear her own. "I wish I wished you dead. I don't. I can't --"
There it is, Angel, she thought. If your turning evil and my sending you to hell didn't make me stop loving you, then what makes you think I'll stop because you took a trip to L.A.?
He'd gone to make her life better, he'd said. Buffy knew he believed it. And some things were easier; she'd admit that much. She didn't have to deal with the disapproval that had radiated from Xander or her mother any time she'd as much as mentioned Angel's name. She could make plans to go out with her friends without worrying about setting aside some time for Angel, who depended on her as his only real human contact.
But that mattered so little, compared to the loss she felt. Angel understood her -- as a person, as a Slayer. Willow and Giles and Xander did too, of course; they were part of her history, part of her life. Riley -- sweet and kind though he might be -- was not. He said he wanted to know everything about her, said it with a smile on his face. That should have warmed her to the core. Instead, she could only remember how Angel had known everything about her at first sight. Known, and loved --
Besides, how did you start explaining this stuff? Did she start with the Master? With the Mayor? Her first Watcher? Faith? Buffy cringed as she tried to imagine telling Riley that she'd stabbed someone and put her into a coma. Could he ever understand that? Could he really ever accept her?
She tried to picture Riley's face as it had looked this afternoon, when he'd drawn her close and kissed her. But the hours-old memory seemed more distant than the image of Angel, surrounded by falling snow, looking up in wonder.
"'Scuse me? Buffy? Is that you?"
Buffy shook herself from her reverie to glance over at whomever had called her; to her surprise, Harmony came toddling out on kiwi-green platform shoes. "Oh, hey, it is you. You look great -- which is more than I can say. Can you believe these things?" Harmony said, gesturing at the absurdly high shoes. "Like, I was so praying that the 70s retro thing would die a quick death. No such luck, huh?"
"Harmony, you're kinda new at this whole vampire thing, so take a tip from an old pro," Buffy said tiredly. "If you're a vampire, and you see a Vampire Slayer, don't call her over to check out your wardrobe. Run the other way." She pulled a stake out from her coat pocket, more annoyed than anything else. "I don't expect you to live long enough to put this advice to good use. But, these last few seconds before I dust you, consider it food for thought."
"I have other plans for dinner," Harmony said, her face morphing into a vampire's scowl.
"Ooooh. Eeek," Buffy said, straight-faced. Well, this wasn't going to be any fun -- staking people she'd known during their lives was never easy, but she'd done it often enough, and to people she'd liked a lot better than Harmony.
But as she drew her arm back for her first blow, something hit her, a white-hot dart of pain in the shoulder. "Ow!" Buffy yelled, wheeling around to see what had hit her.
Far behind her was a small cluster of vampires, all huddled around one vamp who had -- was that a gun? She hadn't been shot -- she was strong, but she couldn't be standing after that, could she? --
Buffy reached behind her to feel her back; her fingers brushed against something sticking out of her, something hard, maybe plastic. She tugged it out -- funny, she didn't feel anything as she did that -- and looked at it.
A tranquilizer dart.
"Maybe you shouldn't be giving advice so much, Buffy," Harmony said. Buffy looked up at her; Harmony's face was going in and out of focus. Buffy knew she ought to care about that, ought to care even more about the vampires she could hear approaching behind her. But she didn't. She felt nothing in her heart, nothing in her body -- nothing besides a warm, rushing sensation that was almost pleasant, really --
"Maybe you ought to look out for yourself," Harmony said.
And that was the last thing Buffy heard. The last thing she felt was her body thudding into the pavement; it should have hurt, but it didn't. Nothing hurt any more.
The last thing she saw was Harmony's face, humanlike once again, smiling down at her.
END PART ONE