{South Park Theme Song}
(Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are seen exiting the movie theatre)
Cartman: Jesus Christ, you guys, how many freaking superhero movies are they gonna make? I mean, they freaking rebooted the Spiderman franchise with that lame-ass Social Network hippie!
Kyle: For crying out loud, Cartman, it wasn't that bad!
Cartman: Oh really Kahl? Do NOT fucking tell me that you haven't seen this formula used before!
Kenny: Mph mphhmph? (What formula?)
Cartman: Oh seriously, it's ALWAYS like this dude is either a rich billionaire or a college student, and then some stupid-ass thing happens to him and he becomes some mutant freak who defeats a dumb villain at the end! I mean, how original is that? Rob Schneider does a better job pulling that off!
Stan: Well, I hate to say it, but fatass has a point. Aren't all superhero movies essentially the same thing?
Kyle: Well….yeah I guess.
Cartman: And then next, we'll have the next Batman movie to look forward to!
Kenny: Mph mpnhph mpfhph pmphf mphffph (Well they sure rake in the cash don't they?)
Cartman: Yeah but – Oh my Jesus Christ Monkey Balls!
Stan: What?
Cartman: Let's make our own fucking superhero film! We could totally get filthy rich with this, dudes!
Kyle: Yeah right, fatass, like that'll ever happen. Besides, where would we get money for it?
Cartman: Ah my stereotypically miserly Jewish friend, you just leave that to me. But first, who's gonna be the superhero? I volunteer The Coon…
Stan: Dude, The Coon sucks!
Cartman: No he doesn't The Coon is awesome! Ah well, if this movie's a bust, I don't want The Coon to suffer. Hey Kinny, you do it! Yeah, that Mysterion crap should rake in the moolah!
Kenny: Mmmp mph mphhh mph. (Okay fine whatever, fatass.)
(Scene cuts to school at recess. All the fourth graders are gathered by a tree.)
Stan: Okay everyone, we are really excited to announce that we are making our first superhero movie: Mysterion!
Clyde: So what the hell do you need us for?
Stan: Yeah, we need a team for the movie. So far, I'm the director, Kyle is the writer and cinematographer, Cartman is the producer and he gets a cameo as a pizza delivery guy and Kenny will be playing the role of Kenny McCormick/Mysterion.
Kyle: That's right. Now first we need someone to play the main character's crush. So we will give you girls 5 minutes to decide who has a crush on Kenny and get back to us. Now, who wants to be in charge of make-up.
Bebe: Oooh! I LOVE makeup! I'll do it, I'll do it!
Kyle: Okay, that's settled then. Now we need someone to play Mysterion's arch-enemy: Dr. Douche.
Butters: Mysterion's archenemy is Professor Chaos! That's me! I want to play Professor Chaos!
Kyle: Okay, how about this: You can be Doctor Professor Douche Chaos, ok?
Butters: Oh, all right then!
Wendy: Um, Stan? Can I talk to you privately?
Stan: Sure dude!
(Stan and Wendy go behind the tree)
Wendy: Um Stan –
Stan: Wait if this is about roles, I have a special one for you: You get to be assistant director!
Wendy: Oh really? That's so sweet of you! But yeah, there is a girl who has a crush on Kenny, but she doesn't want anyone to know…
Stan: Who?
Wendy: Red.
Stan: Woah, Jesus Christ! If I tell Kenny, he'll understand don't worry.
Wendy: I hope so…
(Cuts back to the front of the tree)
Kyle: Okay so Clyde and Craig get to be the Kike twins who always rough up Kenny. Then, we have Token as Kenny's supporting friend, Turdington. For the film's music, we have special arrangements. And for the film's secondary villain, we have Tweek as The Spaz.
Stan: I guess that's it then. We meet on Saturday. Um, Kenny may I talk to you alone?
Kenny: Mph mphhmph (sure)
Stan: Dude, the heroine is Red. She likes you.
Kenny: Mphmph mphphp mphfph (Woah dude sweet!)
Stan: Really?
Kenny: Mph Mph Mpphh Mpphph mphhph (Yeah dude she's hot!)
Stan: Okay then..Seeya on Saturday.
(Saturday. At some movie studio, the whole gang has gathered)
Kyle: Cartman, how did you afford all this?
Cartman: Hehehe. Universal Studios lent it to me.
Kyle: Yeah HOW?
Cartman: Let's just say my mom's occupation has its advantages. That and I threatened to kill the President's wife and feed her to him in some chili.
Kyle: Woah dude. Sweet!
Stan: OK, let's get to work.
Cartman: Ok guys, I'll be in the other room threatening Hans Zimmer…I'll seeya guys later.
Random Guy: Scene 1 … AND ACTION!
Kenny: Mphmph mphph mphphmp pmphpm pmpmpmp phmp mppmhf fhmpmh pmhf (School fucking sucks! I hate it! Im SO emotionally disturbed! ARGHH!)
Turdington: It's okay Kenny… Soon you'll conquer the world. Everyone has a purpose in this world, even Scott Malkinson.
Scott Malkinson: I do?
Pizza Delivery Guy: HAHA! He's such a dumbass! Stupid diabetic lisped assohole!
Turdington: Uh oh, here comes the Kike brothers…
Spike Kike: Hey Mike! Look its Kenny McCormick!
Mike Kike: HA! More like…um…uh…Kenny..uh… McDORMICK! HA!
(Spike pushes Kenny into a locker. Mike pulls down his pants and pushes him into the girls bathroom. Girls come running out. Kenny slips on the wet floor and lands head first into the sink where Red is washing her hands.)
Red: AAAAHHH! Get out of my sink asshole!
(Red pushes Kenny out of the bathroom.)
Kenny: Mph mphpmph mphpm mphpm (Woahhhh I'm dizzy…)
Turdington: Kenny, are you alright?
Kenny: Mphmph mphp mphph (I died and went to heaven)
Pizza Delivery Guy: That's a faggy thing to say!
Kenny: Mphp mph mph mph (Shut the fuck up!)
Random Guy: AND THAT'S A WRAP!
Stan: This is shaping out to be a great movie! And Kenny, great job with the emotional rant! The Academy practically gives away the Oscars to deep characters.
Kyle: Why is fatass in almost every scene!
Cartman: Because Kahl, I am in a cameo role, that means that I get lots of camera space.
(Stan pinches his nose bridge.)
Kyle: (sigh) Whatever.
Stan: Okay let's do the scene where Kenny turns into Mysterion.
Random Guy: Scene 2 ….AND ACTION!
(We see Kenny's silhouette talking)
Kenny: (in Mysterion voice) I will be made fun of no longer….I'll show them that I'm not a poor-ass piece of crap…
Pizza Delivery Guy: (yells from somewhere) Yeah you are, Kinny!
Kenny: I'm no longer Kenny… I…am….MYSTERION!
(Mysterion leaps out his bedroom window)
Random Guy: …AND CUT!
Stan: That was good.
Wendy: Bebe, come in we need to make up Butters!
(Bebe brings her make up kit and starts to apply make up on Butters)
Butters: Woweee! I've never been touched on my face by a girl before! This is fun!
Bebe: Shut up Butters.
Butters: Oh, all right then!
Wendy: Okay guys in this next scene, Dr. Prof. Douche Chaos meets with the Spaz.
Random Guy: And ACTION!
Chaos: Well Mr. The Spaz it's awfully nice to meet you!
Spaz: GAH!
Chaos: Will you help me defeat my enemy, Mysterion, I'll pay you 50 dollars if you help me!
Spaz: I don't know man, it's way too much pressure, GAH!
(Pizza Delivery Guy suddenly appears)
Pizza Delivery Guy: Both of you suck ass!
(Pizza Delivery Guy disappears)
Chaos: Oh come on, it'll be fun! And maybe we can get some girls to kiss us on the lips if we do it!
Spaz: Oh, Jesus, GAH! Ok fine I'll do it! GAH!
Chaos: Oh boy! This is gonna be fun!
Random Guy: AND CUT!
Stan: Well guys, that's good…let's continue tomorrow.
(Meanwhile, in Los Angeles. Tom Cruise's house)
Tom Cruise: (crying) THREE! Now THREE wives have left me! What am I doing wrong! I've always been the perfect husband. I am a very religious person, highly devoted to the Church of Scientology…Scientology…THAT BASTARD! It's all that fucker's fault! That stupid fake L. Ron Hubbard guy! I'll kill him! I'm taking a trip to South Park! Come on John!
(Tom Cruise's hand is dressed up as John Travolta)
John: Yeah, oh ma god, yeah!
(Meanwhile, in South Park)
Stan: Okay guys, I think we're done with our film. I'd like to thank everyone who was a part of this magnificent production.
Kenny: Mpphp! mphphp mpphphp mphph. (Wait! I have one request.)
Cartman: What?
(Scene cuts to premiere of movie at South Park theatre.)
Cartman: Dude this movie's gonna be kick – ass!
Stan: Hell yeah!
Kyle: Too bad we have wait for the stupid previews to get over.
Kenny: Shh!
(The trailer for a Rob Schneider movie starts playing)
Annoying Narrator Guy: Rob Schneider is a simple man, with a simple job, a simple girlfriend and a simple life! But he's about to get the shock of his life!
(Rob Schneider suddenly turns into Scott, the Dick)
Annoying Narrator Guy: Rob Schneider is about to find out that being a Dick ain't so slick!
Rob Schneider (in Canadian accent): I hate Americans! Those little assholes! You will all rue the day you asked for more money, buddy!
Annoying Narrator Guy: Rob Schneider is ….. SCOTT! THE DICK!
(Trailer ends)
Cartman: That was the worst trailer EVER Kinny! You make the stupidest conditions!
Kenny: Mphph Mph! (Fuck you!)
(The movie starts)
(It has a brilliant score by Hans Zimmer. Cartman looks at Zimmer, who is also present, deviously and Zimmer starts to sweat up.)
(Suddenly, Tom Cruise bursts in.)
Tom Cruise: Where is that son of a bitch, fake Hubbard?
John: Where is he, oh ma god!
Tom: There you are, you bastard!
Stan: Can I help you?
Tom: My wife left me because of you! You told me that Leonardo DiCaprio is better than me, so she left me! She'll probably run off to him because he's "better"! WAAHHHH!
(Scene cuts to Leonardo DiCaprios mansion.)
(DiCaprio and the other Inception cast members are having a party and Katie shows up.)
Katie: Hey Leo, what say you make an inception somewhere else other than my brain?
Leo: It's Mal!
(shoots Katie)
(Cuts back to the theatre)
Tom: So, what punishment shall I give you?
Stan: I really think you're a fucking retard. All you had to do was come out of the fucking closet!
Tom: Oh come out of the closet, come out of the closet? I AM out of the closet, you ballsac! I'm in a movie theatre, for Xenu's sake!
Stan: Dude, you need to come out of the CLOSET. Not literally, figuratively!
Mr. Garrison: I think I can handle this. You see Tom, "coming out of the closet" is a euphemism for announcing that you're gay.
Tom: What? I'm not gay!
Mr. Garrison: Oh yes you are! That hand puppet of John Travolta is the manifestation of your gay side! And believe me, there is NOTHING gayer than John Travolta!
Cartman: Except Justin Bieber!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, right.
Tom: No, no, no! This isn't possible! I'm not gay…or am I? I need to get out of here! You will rue this day, fake L. Ron Hubbard!
(Tom runs out of the theatre)
Stan: Jesus Christ, can we get back to the movie now?
(Everyone is watching the movie. When Kenny's romance scene comes, Red turns as bright as the color of her hair but Kenny grabs her hand reassuringly and she relaxes. Finally, the film's final fight scene arrives. Everyone in the theatre is on the edge of their seats.)
Mysterion: You're gonna get it this time Douche!
Chaos: I'm not a Douche! Oh …wait that's my name…never mind.
Mysterion: Now what do you plan to do!
Chaos: I…uh….I plan to….uh cut off your wiener!
Mysterion: What the fuck?
Chaos: Yes, and then I will invade South Park with my army of minions and your other arch nemesis, the Spaz!
Mysterion: The Spaz? HE KILLED TURDINGTON!
The Spaz: Gah! I did? Oh man, I'm gonna go to jail…they're gonna get me! Too much pressure! GAAAH!
(The Spaz explodes from pressure)
Chaos: Oh hamburgers!
(Pizza Delivery Guy arrives on the scene)
Pizza Delivery Guy: Here's a special delivery for Doctor Professor Douche Chaos.
Chaos: Oh, a delivery for me? Neato!
(Chaos opens the pizza box, and gets hit in the face by an anchovy pizza)
Mysterion: This is for Turdington!
(Mysterion beats Chaos up and electrocutes him)
(Red comes on scene)
Red: Oh, Mysterion! I know who you are! You are Kenny, the smartest, bravest person ever!
(Mysterion pulls Red into an embrace)
Mysterion: It looks like I can finally move on…
(Ending music comes on…Mysterion flies away)
(The whole audience gets up and applauds)
Stan: Guys, we have a hit on the cards!
(Meanwhile, Tom Cruise is back at his house, hiding in a closet)
Tom: So they think I'm gay, huh? I'll show them that I am NOT a silly goose! And I know exactly how…HAHAHAHAHA! (Evil Gay Laugh)
TO BE CONTINUED…