Sleepless Nights

He could wait out there for days. Even if he'd rather be inside, testing the feel of soft, supple skin against his fingertips. He had forbidden that. Not Ritsuka, Ritsuka hadn't forbidden it. But some rules didn't need to be made by his masters. Some rules came naturally.

Soubi's hair would get pushed off of his neck each time the wind came, and each time he would feel a chill brushing against his ears. It was cold out, a numbing cold that made him think a scarf would be nice. What would be nicer would be to go up into the room above him and snuggle himself into a warm bed, curled around his favorite heater. But he wouldn't.

He had just wanted to see the boy. Right now, more than anything Soubi wanted to see Ritsuka. But he couldn't. It wasn't allowed. He had made a mistake and left Ritsuka alone for too many days. He couldn't reward himself after making a blunder, it just wouldn't do. If he couldn't be punished then he wouldn't be rewarded either. Ritsuka had gotten steamed when he saw Soubi after two days, and it made Soubi wonder why he even attended school anymore. That stupid, stupid school. They kept threatening him, they wanted to take away his scholarship and he wasn't going to bother paying for it on his own. So he did his work, he had things to make up, paints to mix and swirl onto a canvas. All he really wanted to paint was Ritsuka.

Even now, as he stood outside in the dark, he imagined that it would be nice to paint Ritsuka.

When he sunk into bed that night it hadn't been relaxing. It hurt to lower his body onto the sheets that were stiff with cold, because he only turned the heater up when Ritsuka was around. It had hurt to feel the blankets crinkle and fold under his weight, and no one else's. He got up immediately. He didn't feel like sleeping, and frankly he hadn't to begin with. He started to pace around his room. It was so, so empty. The Zeros were there. But they didn't fill up any space when they were asleep. Things were a little better when they were running around with their contagious energy. Sometimes it was difficult to get them to bed but when they fell asleep they were just like the other kids their age, and they dropped off like logs not to wake until morning. Soubi actually liked to taking care of them, it gave him something else to do. His house had always been empty. In the past no one had been there. When he was with Seimei there was never a true feeling that Seimei could be there. Soubi had wished Seimei was there with him but it was never possible. But now, if he asked… Ritsuka might be there. It was that that made things worse. The possibility made things so much harder. If there was a chance that Ritsuka could stay then why wasn't he staying? Soubi didn't think he could live away from Ritsuka for much longer. He wanted to have Ritsuka always in his sight, but that was just too selfish. And he had been, on some nights Ritsuka had filled Soubi's entire room with his small presence. When everyone was around to eat dinner together, Kio, Youji, Natsuo, and Ritsuka, Soubi could only feel Ritsuka. He was the only one. He made Soubi feel whole.

But Ritsuka was cross with him. He felt neglected by Soubi. He was jealous. Soubi didn't really know how to identify or treat these feelings. Why did Ritsuka care that he was gone if he didn't have any desire to use him? Why would Ritsuka miss him if he didn't want any power over him? Why didn't he punish Soubi? Did he think Soubi could change without punishment? Didn't he consider that Soubi would just do it again if he wasn't corrected? No, Ritsuka just scowled at him when he saw Soubi waiting after school. He didn't take Soubi's hand and asked where he had been the past few days. He was a little quieter and said he wanted to go home and do his homework alone rather than spend time with Soubi. It was punishing, but not the same as a punishment. Ritsuka had been trying to be gentle. He hadn't yelled, he hadn't even told Soubi that he was unhappy about it.

Soubi was outside by a brick wall. There was a brick barrier outside of Ritsuka's house and he stood inside of it, because he knew Ritsuka's mother's room was on the other side of his house and the neighbors wouldn't see him from where he was. He was drowning in the shadows. He thought, it was so strange how there can be shadows in the night.

He wanted to fly up to the balcony above him and open its unlocked doors. He wanted to push aside the curtain and meet Ritsuka's lips in greeting. He wanted to stop standing outside so solitarily. But the blue curtains were made of iron and steel tonight. He would not, he could not, push them aside. He stared at them in longing, straining his eyes to see better in the dark. Blinking as few times as he could and imagining the forbidden thing that lay behind them.

He thought it was his imagination when the iron and steel parted and a small hand pressed against the cool glass. He thought it was a dream when a set of eyes partially masked by bedraggled hair looked out into the night. The curtains had been opened for him, by a boy who also did not feel like spending the night alone.

There's another example of my failure at naming things. It'll have to do. I've had this sitting around for a while, unsure what to do with it but I suppose I'll start postings things again and let's start with something neutral like this.