A/N: Hello guys! This is my first fic here, and to be honest, things here confuses me and my stupid head (TTwTT).. Anyway, let's get with the story! Enjoy! 'w'/

Disclaimer: Hunter x Hunter belongs to Yoshihiro Togashi-sama! If it's mine... ...uh, it's so hard to imagine

Warning: There might be some typos within (that passed my double checks), or OOC-ness (which I can't help), and many other mistakes ;; flames are acceptable, critiques are welcomed! Oh, just to remind you, italics are flashbacks~ :3

(I've revised this fic once again 'w'/ I hope its better now)

"Aniki!" a young boy with silver lock shouted as he tried to reach his so-called 'aniki' with his little hand. The older man turned to his little brother. "Hmm? What is it, Kiru?" he replied. Despite his expressionless face, there was a hint of interest in his eyes.

"Look!" The person he called 'Kiru' cheerfully showed his closed fist. After a while, he opened it and a blue butterfly appeared.

Illumi watched the insect flew past his shoulder.

"That butterfly species are pretty rare in our forest. How did you find it, Kiru?" Illumi asked. The younger one smiled in respond, his eyes are locked on the flying insect. "It just happened to pass by me, aniki! I wonder where it will go.." he mumbled and turned to look at the older man.

"..Probably somewhere we can't reach" Illumi said as he patted his little brother.

.

Years passed from that memory.

Now, Killua looks exactly like that butterfly.

Flying away to freedom.

To a place so far away from where his hand can reach.

.

Illumi embraced his loneliness.

To him, his younger brother is his sun.

His only sun that kept him warm in his cold world.

His only sun that lit his path in his eternal darkness.

His sun that left only memories and a little heat that fade with time— as he disappeared.

.

Illumi shrugs in discomfort. This thought is way too much for him to handle.

If Killua disappeared, he only need to find him again.

One day, when his hand is far enough to reach the lost butterfly.

.

'..Well, that only apply if death don't reach me first.'

Illumi chuckled at his thought.

Even if he died, he's pretty sure that God hate him.

..and thus, he's pretty sure he'll be sent back.

After finally swiping the thought of God and His Theorem, the young assassin let his thought wanders to the good old day.

Back then, his bond with Killua is warm and friendly.

His face is just as emotionless—and Killua is the only one who can guess what he felt.

The two of them would have competitions—if not death matches— everyday.

Starting from 'sprint' around their mountain — if not a marathon, until illogical stuffs like hunt the 'dog' — if not a giant beast.

The winner was obvious. But that won't stop the other from trying again.

This little 'game' would keep restarting, until the golden ray of the sunset showered their back.

From this point onward, Illumi would carry Killua on his back as he walked to their mansion.

.

"Ne, Aniki.." Killua mumbled to Illumi's shoulder.

The older man turned his head, "Yeah?" was the only reply he voiced.

Killua tightened his hug and buried his head in Illumi's shoulder.

"We will stay like this forever.. .. right?"

Illumi's eyes widened.

.

"..Baka Kiru"

.

After a soft push in the forehead from his brother..

...and that short, uncertain two-words answer, Killua looked up.

He was about to complain and threw his brother to the end of Milky way — if possible.

But he was too stunned to react.

.

"Of course we will.. Forever!"

.

There was a smile.

A smile that came from someone who never did.

The smile that came together with the real answer.

"ANIKI!" Killua laughed as he hug his brother even tighter. Tight enough until Illumi tripped and they both stumbled down the mountain.

And from this point onward, another warm journey started.

.

Illumi sighed.

Just how impossible does that memory sounds?

Frustrated, he slammed his head to his pillow — hard.

His eyes wandered around his room, and stopped at the end table near his bed.

On the edge of his table lamp, there's a dusty charm hanging.

..The charm Killua gave him before his first work as an assassin.

.

He can clearly remember how Killua cried.

How his little brother told him not to do anything stupid and get himself killed.

How he begged him to come back home safe and sound... ..and soon.

.

"Aniki.." Killua sniffed, the are still tears rolling down his cheek.

The older man knelt down, extending his hand to wipe his younger brother's tears.

"I'll be alright, don't worry about me, okay?"

He gave his brother one last hug before running to their father's side.

.

"Aniki—WAIT!"

The older man turned back, just to find his brother handing out something to him — with a fragile smile plastered on his face.

"Just a little.. lucky charm."

It's a mirror, framed with silver linings of the dragon and golden scales with the color of autumn.

Small and delicate, Illumi attached it to his clothes.

.

"Thank you, Kiru."

Illumi whispered and ran back to their father's side, walking away as Killua waved for their departure.

.

They returned home after two days with success.

And the first thing Illumi saw when they reached home was his brother. Bruised all over his body.

"Aniki, okaeri!" was all Killua said before hugging the older man tightly. Glad that his brother is alright.

The older man hugged him back, and whispered 'I'm home..'.

.

Illumi wanted to ask what happened.

'Did something bad happened? Did someone hurt you?'

'Why are you wounded, Killua?'

'..Something happened?'

'Are you alright?'

'...you okay?'

But those questions remained unsaid. Something inside him insisted that those wounds are only natural.

..And maybe, that was his biggest mistake.

.

.

Hundreds of missions are accomplished, and within the passing months, Illumi was now considered a professional.

His family — Killua is not an exception — are proud of him, but Illumi was not as happy as them.

Because lately, he felt that there's a small crack in his bond with his little brother.

A small crack that grew bigger with every interaction they made.

A gap that kept getting further with each breath they took.

A wall that was slowly building up, higher and higher, between the two siblings.

It was frustrating.

.

Within a bond that was slowly vanishing, where's the way out?

Every problems are supposed to have a solution, and Illumi could always figure it out.

But why can't he do it now?

Why can't he just gave up their dieing bond?

These stupid childhood promises — that will break as soon as it was made. Why can't he break it?

.

Illumi shook his head.

What was he thinking?

His brother is important to him. ..Maybe even more important to their family.

His precious little brother.

His precious little sun.

.

.

..Their family's precious future heir.

.

'TAP!'

.

Illumi turned over, only to find Milluki behind him.

"Father said he wants to see you."

The older man blinked and asked, "Where is he?".

Milluki turned his head to a random direction, "Probably in his room." he said.

And the moment he turned back, Illumi was gone.

.

"Father?"

"Come in, son!"

The door clicked as Illumi entered the room.

Illumi never fancied his father's choice of room, but he doesn't have any complaint against it either.

Silva motioned his son to sit in front of him, and started the conversation.

"How was your last mission, Illumi?"

"..it was easy."

"Good, as expected then."

"Thank you, father."

And after a moment of silence, Silva opened his mouth again.

"..Illumi, what do you think of Killua's improvements lately?"

.

...Ah, this topic.

.

"It was great, father."

"Do you think he's good enough to join the Heaven Arena?"

.

Illumi fell silence, deep in thought.

Heaven Arena is a dangerous place — ignoring the fact that he completed in the age of six.

But, is sending Killua there a right choice?

Because unlike him.

Killua could still climb up from this darkness. He could still free himself from this 'prison'.

And the Heaven Arena could just smash all this hope.

.

.

...what am I thinking?

.

Illumi mentally slapped himself.

What would happen to his brother are none of his concern.

If he died, that means he's not qualified enough to work as an assassin.

If he survived, then that's good!

As simple as that.

.

After all that thought, Illumi came up with a toneless answer.

"Yes, father."

Silva looked amused as he called in his other son.. ..Their main topic of conversation.

Killua entered the room with fear written over his face, its obvious, he can't believe what he had just heard.

"Kiru, I believed you heard everything. What other objection do you need?" Silva started.

Killua looked at his brother, the same fear written in his face.

'is that.. what you really said, aniki?'

Its what those eyes repeated, together with the feeling of getting betrayed and abandoned.

Illumi was too stunned to react.

He can feel something inside him falling apart — crumbling down to pieces.. and died.

Leaving him staring back with a cold, emotionless eyes.

.

That's the ending of the old Illumi.

Even he can't recall — When exactly did everything started changing?

He can remember Killua's gaze after he completed the Heaven Arena.

An icy and cold eyes.

A pair of eyes that shouts, 'do we know each other?'.

Illumi can't blame him, because after all, it was his mistake.

..But thinking about it again.. was it?

What he felt right now.. is that really guilt?

.

Illumi can't tell.

He's just an assassin.

Because as an assassin and an older brother, he have to protect his siblings.

Preparing them to live in this world made of darkness. Even though that translates as tortures and jail, that was fine to him.

Its his form of love.

An assassin's twisted love.

.

'...Aah.. I wasted my time again.'

Illumi sighed as he drift himself to another colorless sleep.

A/N:

My first fic TTwTT
So, how was it? I tried my best to write Illumi's inner feeling (which remain untouched and unnoticed)..

Please tell me what do you think about it in the review box! \(OwO)/

I have free cakes for those who reviews! /shot/