Kaidan studied her, his eyes as warm and distant as they'd ever been. She could see him taking her in, reading everything—like he'd always been able to—in the downward slant of her shoulders, in the chaotic, unbound strands of her hair that cut into the softness of her face. Her muscles trembled under the weight of his stare, but she remained defiantly still; her eyes locked on his as if there were a bomb between them again, forcing her to choose.

He blinked, letting his gaze drift down in a brief admission of deferral, before glancing back up at her face. "You okay?

She couldn't help it; she laughed, maybe a little too loud. "Do I look okay? Sure. Why not? That's all anyone wants to hear anyway, isn't it?" Shepard leaned back in her chair with an exaggerated slowness; even that slight motion was enough to make the contents of her head tilt and roll like she was a green recruit experiencing zero-g for the first time.

"I don't think I've ever seen you like this before." He edged his chair in closer to the table, mercifully blocking her view of Garrus and Tali. "You don't seem… like yourself."

"I don't know who that is anymore." She wanted to say more, but she couldn't catch the words as they wriggled away, just out of her reach, deeper into the fog that muddled her thoughts.

Kaidan blew out a long breath. "I don't want to presume, but do you want to talk? You used to trust me, or, at least I thought you did. Maybe I was wrong…"

"I did trust you. None of you get it, do you? It's not you I don't trust. It's me." Shepard shivered as she coiled her arms around her chest. "Staying apart keeps me safe. Keeps everything inside where it has to stay." She stared at his face, looking through him with a vacant expression.

"It's too much for one person, Shepard." His eyes were sad, filled with pity, and it made her angry; rage blazing up in a white inferno of flames bursting through her skin and licking it raw. She wanted to scream, wanted to overturn the table and hurl it across the room. Instead, she shook, forcing huge gulps of air into her clenched lungs.

"You don't understand. Nobody understands." Her mouth wasn't cooperating, and her speech was as thick and slow as cold gun oil.

He stretched his hand out as if to touch her, but she flinched away and Kaidan let it fall to the table instead. "Then let someone in. I know why it can't be me, but—"

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because… I don't know." She shook her head, caving in on herself as she hunched forward, curling inward. "Because I did let someone—I tried—but it wasn't enough. Not far enough." Her voice quivered. "I don't know how. I'm alone and everyone is gone."

The suffocating darkness of the little cupboard in the kitchen on Mindoir; batarian voices guttural and low. The smell of her own vomit that lingered in the uncirculated air…

The screams—oh, God, the screams—that had slashed open the night on Akuze; flesh dissolving in the puddles of acid that hissed at her feet…

"Shepard."

She twitched backward in a hair-trigger movement to avoid the hand that reached out. "Don't touch me."

"Shepard. It's me."

Blue eyes—a hue that would have been unnatural in a human—met hers.

"Garrus?"

oOoOo

The evening had started off better than he'd thought, considering that he hadn't slept much the night before and that his day had been spent worrying about Shepard in addition to juggling calls from the Primarch along with his other duties. He needed to talk to her, before everything that had come between them drove them irreparably apart. That they could have come so far together, done so much, only to fall to pieces now…

It hurt.

It hurt like an ache building in his bones; the growing sense of distance carrying with it an echo of what it had been like to lose her the first time. When she'd found him, rescued him, on Omega, he'd sworn to himself that he would never leave her again. Never. Ironically, it was that promise that now left him paralyzed with cowardice about seeking her out. What if she cut him free? Demanded he go? He needed more time to think about how to approach this without hurting Shepard, without hurting Tali…

When the shore leave announcement had come over the ship-wide comm link, Tali had coaxed him out of his brooding. It would be good for him, she had said—for both of them—to take a few hours away, off the ship. Shepard was apparently swamped with meetings, so there was no point in him trying to talk to her until tomorrow at the earliest.

He had to admit that it had been nice, more than nice, to have some real food. Although the restaurant they had eaten at had only had a limited menu because of shortages and rationing, it had been a far cry from the nutrient paste Tali had been subsisting on, and certainly better than the dextro-friendly MREs he'd been eating.

They'd gone to Purgatory afterwards, and now Tali's warmth was curled into his side; his head feeling pleasantly lighter after a few drinks. He liked the way she laughed at his jokes; the fact that she teased him as much as he teased her… She was right. He had needed this. Time away to breathe a little and unwind.

Shepard never took shore leave, never took time for herself. Maybe that was why—

"Why so serious, Vakarian?" Tali poked his shoulder lightly. "No thinking about Thanix cannons tonight, got it?"

"I wasn't… I was thinking about…" His voice trailed off. "About Shepard."

"Oh." She fell silent, stirring her drink with the tip of her straw.

"Sorry. I'm sorry." Garrus slid his hand around her shoulders and pulled her in closer. "I didn't mean to ruin—"

"It's all right. I'm worried about her, too." Tali sighed and took a sip of her drink. "I… went to talk to her last night. About everything. About… us."

Garrus stilled, afraid to breathe, even as his heart began to thunder in his chest. "What did she say?"

"Not much. She…" Tali looked down and continued to fiddle with her straw, crushing the tube between her fingers. "She looked lost. Brittle. She always seemed so strong, you know. I admired that, wished I could be more like her." She paused, not meeting his eyes. "Keelah, I wish this wasn't so hard to say."

"You don't have to—"

"Yes, I do." Tali looked up into his face. "Garrus, I think Shepard is in love with you."

He sputtered, not sure what to say, and more than a little ashamed by the flutter of elation in his gut. "There's no way."

"It's the only explanation that makes sense with how she's been acting. Ever since she… walked in on us, the other day in the Battery."

"She's never said anything to me." He would have remembered if she'd had; after the way he'd clung for so long to the hope that those lilted, half-smiles had been only for him.

Tali shifted away from his side, her hands restless in her lap. "Look, Garrus… If you want to end things between us, I understand. I know you and Shepard have always been close. If you have feelings—"

"What? No." A sudden stab of fear shot through him. Whatever sort of might've beens existed with Shepard, this was real. Garrus pulled her back, brushing his forehead against her faceplate. "Shepard's my best friend, but I don't want to give up on us, whatever this could be, before we've even had a chance to figure it out."

Her fingers came up to caress the ridges around his eyes, feathering down his jaw and over his mandibles. "I don't want to give this up, either, but we need to help Shepard and I don't know how."

"I don't know, either. I wish I did."

They sat in silence, finishing their drinks, as the club pulsed around them.

Garrus squeezed her hand affectionately. "You want one more round?"

"Sure."

After several unsuccessful attempts to flag down a waitress, he shrugged. "I'll just go get them. Otherwise, we'll be here all night."

"Would that be such a bad thing?"

Her words filled him with warmth as he raised his brow plate at her. "Well, I did have some other ideas…"

Tali laughed. "Bosh'tet. Hurry back, then."

The crowds were thick as he pushed his way through to the bar. Even the bartenders were being run off their feet tonight, and he leaned back against the bar as he waited to order. He scanned the tables around him—reinforced habits of self-preservation—and then… the rest of the room fell away.

Shepard.

He wasn't sure if he thought her name or spoke it, but he was striding forward on instinct alone.

oOoOo

Shepard blinked. Once. Twice. "Hey, Garrus. Didn't know you were here."

Her hands were shaking as she reached for the glass in front of her, and she could barely hold it steady as she raised it to her mouth. She swallowed the last minute traces of liquid before setting it down with far too much force.

"Are you—?"

"I'm fine. Totally fine. Better. Good." Her eyes were glassy; her cheeks flushed a deep crimson. Clear signs of human intoxication. All too familiar with from his days at C-Sec.

He glanced helplessly back towards Tali, but she wasn't looking in their direction. "Shepard, I think we need to get you back to the ship."

"Nah, s'okay." She shuddered violently. "Don't need you… don't need... Don't need help. Besides, Kaidan's here. Great, huh? You should sit. Catch up."

His mandibles unconsciously flared open, and he clamped them tightly back against his jaw as he crouched down, bringing the height of his head down to match hers. Garrus kept his voice calm, just loud enough to carry over the thump of the music. "Kaidan's here?"

Shepard giggled; the wrongness of it made his stomach twist. "He's right there." She gestured at the chair across from her.

The empty chair.

He couldn't stop the stricken, high-pitched keen of his subvocals, inaudible to most other races, although every other turian in the vicinity swiveled to look at them. His protective instincts bellowed at him to gather her up, bring her close, shield her, even though he knew he couldn't for so many reasons.

"Shepard…" He murmured the words as gently as he could. "Kaidan's dead. He died on Virmire."

A/N: I'm currently beta-less, as the lovely Josie Lange is taking some much needed time off to have her baby (hopefully today!), so all mistakes are my own. Thank you so much to all of you out there reading and for your wonderful reviews/comments. I appreciate it more than you know.