So…. I just watched Enchanted and was INSPIRED. So I wrote this. It's unrequited SB/RL and GL/RL. NO ANGST THOUGH. It is very funny though (hopefully). Keep an eye out for the references! There are some from Enchanted, Monty Python, AVPM/S and the AVENGERS. :) Please enjoy! Oh, and this is for lilithaofsherwood. Because she's awesome. And I sort of want to see if she finds this without my mentioning it. XD If she doesn't I'll just bring it to her attention tomorrow. :D

SUMMERY: James is having a bad day and Sirius Black and Gilderoy Lockhart unfortunately ingest some BertiBotts Every Flavor Candy Beans that are infused with particularly strong Amortentia that hold a strong dose of Essence of Remus John Lupin. Oh Dear.

RATING: This is rated T for Shakespearian and Medieval insults. And for Toaster Ovens.

James was not having a good day. Mainly because he had been thwarted (once again) in his attempts to subject some ickle Slytherin first years to Public Humiliation by one very angry and furious Professor McGonagall… he had no idea how lips could get that thin... The second reason was that he had lost a bet against Peter. And the third was that he had misplaced a pack of BertiBotts Every Flavor Candy Beans that were infused with some particularly strong Amortentia that held a strong dose of Essence of Remus John Lupin. He was going to sneak it to the Slytherins for a jolly good laugh, but somehow it had gotten lost. James was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice Evans until he had crashed into her and knocked all of their things to the ground.

"Watch it, Potter." Evans snapped.

"Sorry…" James said distractedly. "Say, you haven't seen a jumbo box of BertiBotts Every Flavor Candy Beans anywhere, have you?"

Evans looked confused. "Yeah… Black and Lockhart from Hufflepuff were sharing them in the library a few moments ago."

James felt the color drain from his face. "What?"

"Yeah… they're partners in that Charms pro- Potter are you alright? You look as if you're about to lose your lunch."

James tore down the hall towards the library, leaving Evans in the figurative dust. When he reached the library, James burst inside and found himself face to face with two furious teenaged wizards. One was a tall ridiculously handsome Hufflepuff boy with Shiny blonde hair, glittering blue eyes, and a blinding white smile. He practically glowed with cleanliness. The other boy was also tall and ridiculously handsome. He had lusty dark hair, smoldering grey eyes and a sly smirk. These boys were Gilderoy Lockhart and Sirius Black. They both were named well in a way. With Gilderoy being all gold and clean and such and Sirius being all dark and broody and whatnot.

Somehow, they had both gotten a hold of swords and were furiously waving them at each other.

"You idiot!" Lockhart was screaming at Sirius and thrusting his sword. "You goat dung! Sheep dung! Horse dung! You cow dung! You pig filth! You human dung! You dog dung! Fox dung! Cat dung! Chicken droppings! You donkey dung! You fox cub of all fox cubs! You fox tail! You fox BEARD! You skin of a fox cub! You idiot and halfwit! You buffoon!"

"I am superior!" Sirius shouted "I am better than you! If I am dung then you are no more than the speck of dust that tickles my left nostril! And I'm not just a just better Wizard than you either... You are dirt beneath my feet… Scummy jam between my toes… You are the film the House Elves scrub from my toilet bowl every week, you thrasonical tripe-visage'd jack-a-nape!"

"Oh my God, they did eat them…" James muttered to himself.

Sirius spun around and grinned widely at James before turning back to Lockhart. "I don't want to talk to you any more, you Empty Headed Animal Food Trough Wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries and he is a Gorbellied Codpiece! " Lockhart gave a loud cry of anger and lunged at Sirius, who danced out of the way, laughing. "You don't frighten me, Hufflepuff Pig Dog. Go and boil your bottom, you Son of a Silly Person. I blow my nose at you, you so-called Wizard!"

"What's going on?" The worst voice that could speak up at this particular moment in time, spoke up behind James.

"Remus…. Lupin…."

"MOOOOONYYYYYYY!"

"James…"

"…Remus."

"Potter!"

"Evans!"

"Lily?"

"Why are we all saying each others name?" Remus demanded. "And why does Padfoot have a sword?"

"Um…"

"Fear not, Princess Moonshine! I shall rescue you!"

"Rescued? Since when do I need to be- Oh my lord!" Remus' eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets when Sirius started to vigorously make out with his hand.

"Thank you for taking care of my bride, Peasants." Sirius said nobly to James and Evans, before turning towards Lockhart clutching his sword with both hands. "NOW… PREPARE TO BE VANQUISHED, YOU SLUBBERDEGULLION!"

"Bride?"

"What the hell is a Slubberdegullion?"

"NEVER!" Lockhart roared. "You have met your match, you foul bellowing beast! Now, suck my rooster like the female dog that you are!"

There was a loud gasp from everyone watching and Sirius' face turned an alarmingly violent shade of red. "HOW DAAAAARE YOUUUU? I am Invincible!"

"You are a Loony! You speak an infinite deal of nothing, you tottering clapper-clawed Barnacle!"

"Did he just call me his bride?"

Sirius ignored Remus' question and started to advance on the other boy. "Now, Have you any last words before I dispatch you, you lazy pig of big hairy man and eater of shit-eaters and a eater of blasphemers?"

"Yes… and those words are…. I shall NOT be dispatched! In fact, you are the one who shall be dispatched, you yellow bellied cur!"

"LIES! You shall not dispatch me, because I shall be the one dispatching you, you currish base-court bladder."

Lockhart's lip curled confidently. "Why that's absurd! The only dispatching anyone will be doing is that of me to you."

"…Your Mother is absurd!

"What?" Lockhart suddenly looked very dangerous. "Say that again to my face, you frothy dismal-dreaming Baggage."

"YOUR MOTHER IS ABSURD!"

"THAT'S ABSURD! You shall pay DEARLY for that slur, Black."

"Bring it on, you Floppy-Wanded-Dementor-Boggerer." Lockhart dropped his sword and stalked forward, shoving Sirius hard in the chest. A horrified look passed over Sirius' face. "You are NOT permitted to TOUCH!" He whipped his hair back and slowly drew his wand. "Prepare to be punished for your insolence you Mushroom-Headed Arse-Kissing Cunt."

James covered his ears, Evans covered her mouth, and Remus covered his eyes. This was a nightmare.

Lockhart turned the color of an over ripe tomato. "Your… your… your Mother was a Toaster Oven." There was a scandalized gasp from everyone except Evans who just looked deeply confused.

"Wait, a toaster oven? That makes no sense-"

"You… take that back!" Sirius shrieked. "My Mother may be a lot of horrid things, but she is no Toaster Oven. Y-y-your baby-making juice is much like a plump roast duck, and your houselves love the taste!"

Lockhart laughed manically. "Face it Black… your MOTHER is an OVEN of TOASTINESS. Now, if you'll excuse me I'll be in the drawing room with Lupin… Painting a picture of the stupid look on your face." Lockhart laughed manically again, grabbed a still shocked Remus by the hand, and dragged him out of the library.

Sirius didn't move. He could only stare at the space where Remus had been a few moment's ago. "H-he called my mother a toaster oven…. A toaster oven, Prongs!"

"I heard him." James said seriously.

"Do either of you even know what a toaster oven is?" Evans demanded. "It makes no sense."

"It doesn't matter!" Sirius howled dramatically. "That horrid little man, that pox-strewn Gundy-Gut has stolen my life partner, my one coquette, the answer to my love's duet! My life is over! I shall never love again, and my heart shall shrivel up like that fuzzy green man's in that book by that muggle healer! It will be two sizes too small!" Sirius collapsed to the floor in a sobbing heap.

"Mr. Black!" A stern faced woman stalked into the library. "I have just received several complaints about muggle sword fighting and nonsensical words in the library, and I demand to know what's going on."

"Minnie!" Sirius threw himself at McGonagall's feet. "I seek a beautiful boy. My life partner, my one coquette, the answer to my love's duet."

"…excuse me?"

"I must find him! I must find My Precious Princess Moonshine. He needs me! I shall find him and I shall give him a Moniker… I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine… and he shall be my Squishy…"

McGonagall sighed. "Mr. Black… I don't know what you're talking about, but-"

"SILENCE, YOU MEWLING QUIM!" Sirius roared, startling everyone. "You lying, murderous Wench! All of Hogwarts shall know of your treachery. Your days as Queen will be over!"

McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "'Queen'? Mr. Black, don't you think that's a bit melodramatic?"

There was a long pause. "I don't know what 'melodramatic' means, but you will be removed from the throne, Minnie... I will see to it. Mark my words… I WILL SEE TO IT!"

"Yes…" McGonagall said slowly. "Mr. Black, do you feel all right?"

"No, I am suffering from the painful pangs of heartbreak and unrequited love." Sirius said seriously. "Only my precious Princess Moonshine, and the destruction of that evil Golter-yeded Gawpsheet can cure me of my love sickness."

"I see…" McGonagall frowned slightly. "Mr. Potter, Ms. Evans… please see Mr. Black to the hospital wing. I need him to see Madame Pomfrey as soon as possible."

"Hey, I feel like that all the time!" James exclaimed. "Why don't you ever send me to the hospital wing?"

Unsurprisingly, McGonagall ignored James. "Just make sure that Mr. Black makes it to the Hospital Wing in one piece."

"Lets go…" James muttered.

"I SHALL NOT ACCOMPANY YOU!" Sirius screeched. "I MUST WAIT HERE FOR MY MOONSHINE!"

"He's in the hospital wing." Evans blurted. "Lockhart took him there because of the… because of the private rooms there. You know how… crowded the dormitories can be."

Sirius gasped. "That Puking Beetle-Headed Scullion…" Sirius whispered in horror. "That Slobbery Swag-Bellied Tickle-Brain… how dare he? How DARE he? He plans to debauch my precious Princess Moonshine, doesn't he? DOESN'T HE?"

"I think so." Evans said calmly. "Horrible isn't it?"

Sirius seemed to inflate in rage. "WE MUST STOP THEM!" He started to charge down the corridor, knocking innocent people out of the way. James sighed and ran after him. After a few seconds of hesitation, Evans decided to follow too. Just to make sure that Sirius didn't kill anyone other than Lockhart, of course. Because in all honesty, that boy was just an honest to Merlin Butter-Face.

The three of them ran through the castle, ducking through passages and doors and hallways that Evans didn't even know existed. They made it to the Hospital wing in a little under two minutes, which was a near miracle in Evans' opinion. They had barely caught their breaths when Lockhart rounded the corner with Remus, tripped over his own feet and accidentally flung Remus face first into James crotch while he crashed into Hospital Wings' door.

"HANDS OFF JAMES!" Sirius shrieked. "You'd better get your bits out of Moony's face!"

"My bits aren't in his face! His face is in my bits!"

"Meh…" Remus struggled to his feet and was immediately tackled by Sirius and carried off into the sunset… er… down the hall and far far away from the hospital wing.

"WHERE IS HE TAKING HIM? WHERE IS THAT WET-EARED WHELP TAKING MY ONE TRUE LOVE? !" Lockhart howled, unpeeling himself from the statue and staggering to is feet.

"I don't-"

"LIARS!" Lockhart screamed and ran away, following Sirius and Remus, screaming "May barbarians invade your personal space!" at a certain greasy haired Slytherin who just happened to be on his way to Madame Pomfrey to ask for special shampoo. (because, despite the rumors, he did wash his hair, thank you very much. The grease was just genetic.)

James saw Snape and moaned. "This is just not my day…" He glanced at Evans and noticed an evil evil look in her eye.

"Severus!"

Snape jumped so violently that he fell to the ground in a heap of swoopy black and green robes. "Lily." He said calmly from his place on the floor. "What do you want?"

"Oh, not much." Evans said slyly. "It's just that Potter and I need a small teeny tiny itsy bitsy favor from you."

Snape narrowed his eyes and glared up at Evans. "Why should I help him?"

"Yeah, why should he help me?"

James was ignored.

"Lets' make a deal, yeah?" Evans said calmly, helping Snape to his feet. "If you help us, than we'll give you something that will make Sirius black blush like a second year girl. Imagine the humiliation you could subject him to!"

"Hey!" James yelped. "That's my best friend that you're talking abou-"

"Shush." Evans waved her hand at James, effectively shutting him up. "So, Sev… do we have a deal?"

After a moment, Snape nodded.

Evans beamed. "Good. Now what we need is an antidote…"

Later, during dinner, everything was as it should be. Gilderoy Lockhart was back with his one true love (himself), Evans was ignoring James, and Remus wasn't being called 'Princess Moonshine' or being carried down halls. The only thing that seemed different was Sirius. He was almost silent as he nudged his dinner around his plate, but… that may just have been the embarrassment of having photographs of himself popping up all over the school. This normally wouldn't be a bad thing, but in these photographs Sirius was attempting to do highly inappropriate things with a certain Marauder's hand.

HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED! :D Whoever doesn't review is a Mewling Quim XD