funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving

I felt obsessed with Ichigo. Ironically, later I found out that I actually was obsessed with him. Still am. Deep inside, I knew that something was wrong with me. The tiniest thing could throw me off my stride. For example, when I was sixteen, one of my cousins, accidently or not, pulled at my hair. I felt like killing her. Instead, I somehow pierced her hand with a pair of scissors. I don't remember much of it, except for the fact that there was a lot of yelling. Ichigo was the only one who could never piss me off. Until he could. But let's keep that story for later.

Luckily for me, Grimmjow is the dumbest fuck I've ever met. It only took a small talk with him, reminding, how he hurt Ichigo once, and the redhead was all mine. The blue idiot even agreed on pushing Ichi away. Thanks to that, we had some really amazing angry sex, 'cause that was one of the ways Ichigo let of steam. The other one was gym. Which reminds me another little story. I called my boyfriend to ask him to hang out or something but he had a meet up with his study group to prepare for upcoming finals. Understandably, I said it's okay, 'cause I knew how important his studies are for him and how he wanted to become a teacher. I also declined his offer to join them, 'cause: A. I hate sitting in front of an uninteresting book for longer than fifteen minutes and B. I kinda don't really like his study group. Particularly this one guy, I can't remember his name now. I just didn't like him. Like, he gave me some dislike vibes. So, since I had nothing better to do, I decided to take my punching bag on a date. I was doing some warm-up punches when an image flashed through my mind- that disgusting dude from study group wrapping his disgusting arms around my Ichigo. Anger set me ablaze and I threw one really really hard punch into the bag. Too bad, in the process my arm deflected and I pinched the fucking wall. Three cracked knuckles and half-asses excuses.

There were a lot more small happenings like that. Couple of broken noses. Ichigo's lack of time for me somehow sending me into weird limbo between sadness and numbness. But whenever my redhead would show up, my life was the most perfect thing again. I never told him about that, though. And then it happened.

"I think we should break up."

I tried to fix it. But I couldn't move in with him then. I had stuff to do in my hometown. Our hometown. The place where we both grew up. A part of me could not believe that Ichigo is betraying me - us - like this.

"Shiro, how many couples do you know that handled long distance relationships? Exactly."

But baby, just because all of our friends are losers, doesn't mean that we should be. We can be first ones and keep us alive, right? The facts were not in my favor, though - we tried to still be together for three or so months after he started studying in Tokyo - and it was me, who started all the fights, it was me, who was jealous not only of people who were with him; I was jealous of him, because he was improving, because he had a life and I was decaying here, in fucking Karakura, helping my folks with the hardware store. It was me, who knew that Grimm is also there, I saw his shadow over Ichigo in my dreams every night.

"Please be rational about this."

Rational? How can I- how can anyone be rational when love is involved? That is exactly when I completely understood. He never truly loved me more than a friend. I'm sure, if it would've been Grimmjow instead of me, Ichigo would have stayed. Or at least tried to keep the relationship alive. From that exact moment I knew - Grimmjow was always there, in the corner, of my,now ex-boyfriend's mind. He was there, watching through memories, laughing. Because he won in the end. I never truly had Ichigo. Now I'm sure, the blue haired bastard was always with us - hell, probably on my face when we had sex. Godamnit, how could I be so stupid!

I tried to visit him once. But he moved somewhere else. When I asked about his current address, one of his neighbours just scoffedand sneered:

"That faggot? I hope he's dead somewhere."

He won't smile so openly anymore without his front teeth .

From when Ichigo left me, everything turned into a spiral of nightmares. My parents died, the store went bankrupt, I started drinking heavily, and I mean heavily, got arrested for battery several times. Once or twice I got into a fight with bigger and stronger, got my arm broken, few concussions. I never forgot the redhead though. I think that is the only thing that kept me away from suicide. I just imagined his smile in my lowest moments...

Now that I think about it, I wish that we would have never met again. Because now I am robbed of his smiling image too. At nights, I wake up screaming. Screaming, bcause in my dreams Ichigo isn't smiling. In fact, during the dream I only hear hollow thuds and my own scream. It's him kicking the shit out of me. I did deserve it. I deserve the beating. But I did not deserve seeing that angry face everyday after I wake up. I see it in everyones face here, even my own.