After years of unsuccessful searching for a priceless diamond necklace
hidden in the Atlantic Ocean, two guys finally came across something – an
old portrait of a beautiful woman. They realized it was on the Titanic
when it had sunk, and decided to show their finding on television.
An old lady named Tulip was watching the news one day when she saw that same portrait. "That's… that's…" she stuttered, "my picture!"
Her granddaughter laughed. "Yeah sure old woman, just like you were the woman in the Mona Lisa."
But Tulip was determined to get this picture. She went down to the TV station to talk to the people who found it.
"I'm the girl in that picture!" She said, gasping and choking from the walk. "Let me tell you a story…"
The men rolled their eyes. "I have a feeling we'll need some popcorn." They sat down to listen to Tulip.
"It all happened on April 12, on the year 1914… I was so young and pretty then. Now I'm just old and wrinkled."
"Duh," one of the men commented.
Tulip ignored him and continued. "I went on this cruise with my family… it was on a massive ship called the Titanic. They said it was an unsinkable ship."
The man interrupted again. "We all know about the Titanic. Does this story have a point?"
Tulip glared at him. "Yes, now shut your trap!" She cleared her throat and continued. "I was extremely bored on the cruise, and my jerk of a fiancée wasn't helping. All he wanted to do was steal my big blue diamond necklace. But I met this man… his name… was…"
***
"Zac," the young man said. "I'm Zac. You jump, I jump."
"You jump, I jump? What is that supposed to mean?" Tulip asked in confusion.
"I don't know, it just sounded cool and romantic." Tulip and Zac went up to the deck and he taught Tulip how to hork a lugee.
After several hours of spitting, Tulip was tired. "My throat hurts. Can we stop?"
"Okay, but you're still not Major League Spitting material," he answered in disgust.
"I'll survive."
They went somewhere else, and we don't know where because the camera did not follow them. Later that night, when the sun was setting, they went out to the front of the ship.
"Oh Zac," Tulip said dreamily, "the sunset is gorgeous. And yet we are the only two people out of about 2200 on this ship out here to watch it! Everyone must be watching Dawson's Creek."
"What the hell is Dawson's Creek?"
"Whoops, TV hasn't been invented yet… I guess they're playing cards or something."
Zac walked to the front of the ship and looked over at the water rushing underneath them. "Close your eyes and stand up on those slippery-looking rungs," He ordered Tulip.
Reluctantly, she got up and closed her eyes. Zac held on to her arms and spread them out like a bird's wings. "Open your eyes," he whispered hoarsely in her ear.
***
"It was so romantic," Tulip told the men. "It was like I had died and gone to heaven."
***
Tulip opened her eyes and screamed. "WHAT AM I DOING UP HERE? AND WHY ARE YOU HOLDING MY ARMS OUT LIKE I'M A BIRD? GET ME DOWN!"
"But… but-but-but…" Zac said. "This is supposed to be the romantic first kiss scene!"
Tulip jumped off the rungs and grabbed Zac. She kissed him. "There's your kiss, okay?" Then they went down to the boiler room, where it was very hot and dirty.
"I'm quite hot," Tulip said.
"You're pretty, but don't get a big ego!" Zac retorted.
"I meant my body temperature is hot, you dumbass!" She smacked him on the head.
They ran through the boiler room getting soot and dust all over their clothes. Tulip screeched. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS DRESS COST?" Tulip screamed. "JUST BECAUSE YOUR CLOTHES ARE OLD RAGS DOESN'T MEAN MY GUCCI DRESS CAN BE TREATED LIKE RAGS, TOO!" She ran out of there.
Then they were in the car park, where a whole bunch of ancient looking automobiles – if you can call them automobiles – were parked. Tulip opened the door of one car and hopped in, pulling Zac with her.
***
"I knew I was already engaged… but I couldn't help my actions. I was in love with Zac." Tulip said. The men gazed at her in anticipation.
***
A sweaty hand slapped up against the window. We can see this from the outside as that's where the camera was filming. Then the camera went inside the car, and Tulip and Zac were… playing a heated game of Poker. Tulip was losing and taking out her anger on the window.
"I GOT THREE OF A KIND! HOW ABOUT THAT!" she yelled.
Zac looked scared but replied, "Uh… I have three Queens and a wild card."
Flames of fire flamed in Tulip's eyes. "I AM FLAMING," her flaming voice flamed. The flames flamed up flamier.
"So is that freak fiancée of yours. He's a flaming homo!" Zac laughed uncontrollably.
***
"My fiancée and I always played Poker together. If he ever found out that I played it with Zac… he'd probably have strangled my little chicken neck right there."
"I'd like to strangle you… I've got to pee, lady!"
"NO! YOU SIT HERE UNTIL THE MOVIE… I MEAN, MY STORY IS FINISHED!"
***
"That reminds me… he wants to steal this big priceless diamond from me… but while it's still in my flimsy possession, I want you to draw me wearing it."
They went to Tulip's room and locked the door. Tulip went to the safe, opened it, and stupidly left it open after she took out the diamond necklace. "I want you to draw me wearing this… only this…"
Zac's eyes grew wide. "OKAY!"
"Wait, I wasn't finished. Just this… and this." She pulled out a huge yellow piece of clothing. "It is a Pikachu costume. I wanted to wear it for Halloween but then I remembered that Pokémon weren't invented yet."
Zac looked more confused than ever. "What is a Pikachu? And a Pokémon? I hope it's some sort of food, because I'm hungry."
Tulip put on the costume and the necklace and plopped down on the couch, making a ridiculous pose. Zac drew her using his cheap charcoal pencils.
When he was done, Tulip flung off the costume. "This thing is so hot! The guy who sold it to me said there were air holes…" while she searched for air holes, Zac signed his drawing and put it into the safe, along with the huge chunk of diamond on a string. Then they left.
***
"It was the most erotic experience of my life," Tulip explained, as the men stared at her with goofy grins on their faces. "There I was, in the Pikachu suit, sweating like a hog… and he captured my image on that paper." She picked up the drawing and she pointed to her eye. "That's where the tears would be if I could cry… but, you know, botched plastic surgery. I should've gotten the boob job like Britney Spears instead of the face lift."
***
Later that night, while Zac and Tulip found odd place after odd place on the ship to play tonsil hockey, the ship crashed into a gigantic iceberg. Pieces of ice fell into the ship and some dumb people, not knowing their lives were in danger, played soccer with them.
Zac and Tulip were kissing on the deck when they crashed. They ran about, aimlessly, not knowing what on earth to do except look frantic. "Oh, oh, oh… I look so frantic! Look at me being frantic!" Zac screamed.
Pretty soon there were over 1000 people on deck, racing for lifeboats. Meanwhile, Zac got tied up in some room because Tulip's jackass fiancée framed him for stealing the diamond.
Tulip was just about to get on a lifeboat when she finally realized that Zac was missing. She went to look for him, and surprisingly found him quite quickly. There are about 5000 rooms and halls and corridors in the whole ship, and yet she found him in a snap.
Being a fleshy bone bag of a human, Tulip could not break apart the metal handcuffs that Zac was tied up with. So she got out this cool sword thing and chopped it off. When she put it down, she looked at her hand and shrieked. "THAT @#$%*& THING BROKE MY @%#$&* NAIL! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MANICURE @#&*$% COST?" Zac ignored her and pulled her down the hall.
***
"The water was freezing cold. And but of course I was wearing a lightly colored dress… just so all those guys would go and see the movie… I mean… oh, shit." Tulip told the men. She looked up and noticed one was dozing off. She smacked them with the spatula she happened to be holding. "WAKE UP, NIMROD!" He jolted awake and continued listening.
***
"Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Zac… I-I-I-I-I-I'm c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cold-d-d-d-d…" Tulip shivered.
"I am too, but you don't see me complaining do you? NO! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!" Zac stuck his tongue out at her and they continued down the hall until they met a dead end. A huge fence and some guards on the other side blocked them.
Somehow they got through and they made it up to the deck, where they met up with Tulip's fiancée, who put his coat on her because she was cold… forgetting – like the idiot that he is – that he had slipped the diamond into the pocket of the coat. Then she spit in his face, which was really cool. By this time almost all the lifeboats were taken, but Tulip ran to one and jumped in. "See ya Zac, nice knowing you!" She waved as the boat lowered.
"B-b-b-but… but…" he stammered. He gave her a puppy dog look.
"Oh, @%$&. Not the puppy dog look. @%$&." She took a flying leap out of the boat and back onto the ship to be with Zac.
They ran frantically around searching for a boat that would except Zac as a man. "Come on, I'm weak and dumb just like a girl! LET ME INNNNNN!" He pleaded but it didn't do him any good.
Soon the ship's end sunk and the other end started to stand up in the air. Using awesome special effects and computer animation, the ship cracked right in half and a ton of people fell to their gruesome death. Somehow Tulip and Zac held on to the railing where they first met and survived. Zac said shiveringly to Tulip, "You jump… I jump. Right?"
"There you go again, with this jumping crap… and we're about to die here! Show some respect you fool!"
But eventually that half of the ship sank as well, and Tulip and Zac were sucked into the water. They swam to each other frantically and by some miracle – even though there were hundreds of other people right there beside them, clinging to their lives – Zac found a big piece of driftwood and climbed onto it.
"HEY!" Tulip yelped. "I'm the woman, I should be on the wood and out of the water!"
Zac sighed. "Fine…" he slid off and Tulip scrambled on.
Then they just drifted around for a few hours, their bodies slowly freezing and dying. Zac could sense that he was dying, so he told Tulip, "Never let go… never let go."
Eventually Zac stopped responding to Tulip. "Zac?" She called his name. "Zac? Zac? ZAC? Zac, ANSWER ME!" She screamed into his ear… but got no response.
She would've started crying, but she couldn't because of that surgery… oh wait, plastic surgery wasn't invented then. Okay, let's say that her tears were all frozen. Yeah, that'll work. So she didn't cry.
She ripped her hand off of Zac's and slowly let him fall off of the driftwood into the black water. "I'll never let go Zac… I'll never let go," she mumbled, even though she was in fact, letting go…
He slid down into the blackness. She lay there, silent, for a few moments, until there was a splash in front of her. Zac popped back up.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO LET GO!" He gasped for air and climbed up on the wood.
"I thought you were dead."
"I'm not."
"Oh."
Their stimulating conversation was interrupted by an odd whirring sound. They looked up and saw a light coming towards them. It was a helicopter.
"A HELICOPTER! WE'RE SAVED!" Zac exclaimed.
"Helicopter? Have those been invented yet?" Tulip replied.
"Who the hell cares, we're SAVED!"
Zac and Tulip climbed up the rope to the phantom chopper. The pilot asked, "Should we pick up more survivors?"
Zac and Tulip replied with a synchronized, "NO!" So the chopper took off and flew Tulip and Zac to the place where the Titanic was supposed to go.
And then they lived happily ever after.
***
"Are you done now woman? It's late and I want to go home!" The man said.
"Yes. That's it." The men got up to leave, but Tulip stopped them. "I want my drawing. That's what I came here for… I almost forgot!"
"Fine. That story was so long and boring I almost forgot my name! I'd do anything to get away from you right now." He grumbled, then handed her the drawing. "Take it, but promise never to contact us again!"
"It's a deal." She walked off to leave. But unfortunately, they were on a boat.
"OH, @%$&! YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO STAY ON THIS BOAT WITH HER UNTIL WE GET TO SHORE?" The man wailed and jumped off the boat, swimming furiously away.
Later, Tulip went out on the deck, and she climbed up on the shiny, slippery looking rungs. Her foot slipped and she fell down to the hard ground. "@%$&! MY BONY ASS!" She got back up and, this time more carefully, climbed up the railing.
She gazed out at the water and closed her eyes, recalling the day when she and Zac shared their first kiss. It was really corny.
Then she reached down in the pocket of her granny robe and pulled out that huge diamond necklace. Little did the men, who had been searching for the necklace for years, know that the annoying old woman had it all along.
She whispered to herself, "I'll never let go Zac… I'll never let go…" and she was about to chuck the necklace into the lake when she was startled by a voice behind her.
"What are you talking about, Tulip? I'm right here." It was Zac. Using his cane, he hobbled over to Tulip and hugged her.
"Think there's any cars in this boat's basement?" Tulip asked, grinning.
"Uh… I don't think this dinky boat has a basement…" He frowned, then looked at Tulip again. "Aw, what the hell." He pulled her down to the floor.
They played poker.
An old lady named Tulip was watching the news one day when she saw that same portrait. "That's… that's…" she stuttered, "my picture!"
Her granddaughter laughed. "Yeah sure old woman, just like you were the woman in the Mona Lisa."
But Tulip was determined to get this picture. She went down to the TV station to talk to the people who found it.
"I'm the girl in that picture!" She said, gasping and choking from the walk. "Let me tell you a story…"
The men rolled their eyes. "I have a feeling we'll need some popcorn." They sat down to listen to Tulip.
"It all happened on April 12, on the year 1914… I was so young and pretty then. Now I'm just old and wrinkled."
"Duh," one of the men commented.
Tulip ignored him and continued. "I went on this cruise with my family… it was on a massive ship called the Titanic. They said it was an unsinkable ship."
The man interrupted again. "We all know about the Titanic. Does this story have a point?"
Tulip glared at him. "Yes, now shut your trap!" She cleared her throat and continued. "I was extremely bored on the cruise, and my jerk of a fiancée wasn't helping. All he wanted to do was steal my big blue diamond necklace. But I met this man… his name… was…"
***
"Zac," the young man said. "I'm Zac. You jump, I jump."
"You jump, I jump? What is that supposed to mean?" Tulip asked in confusion.
"I don't know, it just sounded cool and romantic." Tulip and Zac went up to the deck and he taught Tulip how to hork a lugee.
After several hours of spitting, Tulip was tired. "My throat hurts. Can we stop?"
"Okay, but you're still not Major League Spitting material," he answered in disgust.
"I'll survive."
They went somewhere else, and we don't know where because the camera did not follow them. Later that night, when the sun was setting, they went out to the front of the ship.
"Oh Zac," Tulip said dreamily, "the sunset is gorgeous. And yet we are the only two people out of about 2200 on this ship out here to watch it! Everyone must be watching Dawson's Creek."
"What the hell is Dawson's Creek?"
"Whoops, TV hasn't been invented yet… I guess they're playing cards or something."
Zac walked to the front of the ship and looked over at the water rushing underneath them. "Close your eyes and stand up on those slippery-looking rungs," He ordered Tulip.
Reluctantly, she got up and closed her eyes. Zac held on to her arms and spread them out like a bird's wings. "Open your eyes," he whispered hoarsely in her ear.
***
"It was so romantic," Tulip told the men. "It was like I had died and gone to heaven."
***
Tulip opened her eyes and screamed. "WHAT AM I DOING UP HERE? AND WHY ARE YOU HOLDING MY ARMS OUT LIKE I'M A BIRD? GET ME DOWN!"
"But… but-but-but…" Zac said. "This is supposed to be the romantic first kiss scene!"
Tulip jumped off the rungs and grabbed Zac. She kissed him. "There's your kiss, okay?" Then they went down to the boiler room, where it was very hot and dirty.
"I'm quite hot," Tulip said.
"You're pretty, but don't get a big ego!" Zac retorted.
"I meant my body temperature is hot, you dumbass!" She smacked him on the head.
They ran through the boiler room getting soot and dust all over their clothes. Tulip screeched. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS DRESS COST?" Tulip screamed. "JUST BECAUSE YOUR CLOTHES ARE OLD RAGS DOESN'T MEAN MY GUCCI DRESS CAN BE TREATED LIKE RAGS, TOO!" She ran out of there.
Then they were in the car park, where a whole bunch of ancient looking automobiles – if you can call them automobiles – were parked. Tulip opened the door of one car and hopped in, pulling Zac with her.
***
"I knew I was already engaged… but I couldn't help my actions. I was in love with Zac." Tulip said. The men gazed at her in anticipation.
***
A sweaty hand slapped up against the window. We can see this from the outside as that's where the camera was filming. Then the camera went inside the car, and Tulip and Zac were… playing a heated game of Poker. Tulip was losing and taking out her anger on the window.
"I GOT THREE OF A KIND! HOW ABOUT THAT!" she yelled.
Zac looked scared but replied, "Uh… I have three Queens and a wild card."
Flames of fire flamed in Tulip's eyes. "I AM FLAMING," her flaming voice flamed. The flames flamed up flamier.
"So is that freak fiancée of yours. He's a flaming homo!" Zac laughed uncontrollably.
***
"My fiancée and I always played Poker together. If he ever found out that I played it with Zac… he'd probably have strangled my little chicken neck right there."
"I'd like to strangle you… I've got to pee, lady!"
"NO! YOU SIT HERE UNTIL THE MOVIE… I MEAN, MY STORY IS FINISHED!"
***
"That reminds me… he wants to steal this big priceless diamond from me… but while it's still in my flimsy possession, I want you to draw me wearing it."
They went to Tulip's room and locked the door. Tulip went to the safe, opened it, and stupidly left it open after she took out the diamond necklace. "I want you to draw me wearing this… only this…"
Zac's eyes grew wide. "OKAY!"
"Wait, I wasn't finished. Just this… and this." She pulled out a huge yellow piece of clothing. "It is a Pikachu costume. I wanted to wear it for Halloween but then I remembered that Pokémon weren't invented yet."
Zac looked more confused than ever. "What is a Pikachu? And a Pokémon? I hope it's some sort of food, because I'm hungry."
Tulip put on the costume and the necklace and plopped down on the couch, making a ridiculous pose. Zac drew her using his cheap charcoal pencils.
When he was done, Tulip flung off the costume. "This thing is so hot! The guy who sold it to me said there were air holes…" while she searched for air holes, Zac signed his drawing and put it into the safe, along with the huge chunk of diamond on a string. Then they left.
***
"It was the most erotic experience of my life," Tulip explained, as the men stared at her with goofy grins on their faces. "There I was, in the Pikachu suit, sweating like a hog… and he captured my image on that paper." She picked up the drawing and she pointed to her eye. "That's where the tears would be if I could cry… but, you know, botched plastic surgery. I should've gotten the boob job like Britney Spears instead of the face lift."
***
Later that night, while Zac and Tulip found odd place after odd place on the ship to play tonsil hockey, the ship crashed into a gigantic iceberg. Pieces of ice fell into the ship and some dumb people, not knowing their lives were in danger, played soccer with them.
Zac and Tulip were kissing on the deck when they crashed. They ran about, aimlessly, not knowing what on earth to do except look frantic. "Oh, oh, oh… I look so frantic! Look at me being frantic!" Zac screamed.
Pretty soon there were over 1000 people on deck, racing for lifeboats. Meanwhile, Zac got tied up in some room because Tulip's jackass fiancée framed him for stealing the diamond.
Tulip was just about to get on a lifeboat when she finally realized that Zac was missing. She went to look for him, and surprisingly found him quite quickly. There are about 5000 rooms and halls and corridors in the whole ship, and yet she found him in a snap.
Being a fleshy bone bag of a human, Tulip could not break apart the metal handcuffs that Zac was tied up with. So she got out this cool sword thing and chopped it off. When she put it down, she looked at her hand and shrieked. "THAT @#$%*& THING BROKE MY @%#$&* NAIL! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MANICURE @#&*$% COST?" Zac ignored her and pulled her down the hall.
***
"The water was freezing cold. And but of course I was wearing a lightly colored dress… just so all those guys would go and see the movie… I mean… oh, shit." Tulip told the men. She looked up and noticed one was dozing off. She smacked them with the spatula she happened to be holding. "WAKE UP, NIMROD!" He jolted awake and continued listening.
***
"Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Zac… I-I-I-I-I-I'm c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cold-d-d-d-d…" Tulip shivered.
"I am too, but you don't see me complaining do you? NO! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!" Zac stuck his tongue out at her and they continued down the hall until they met a dead end. A huge fence and some guards on the other side blocked them.
Somehow they got through and they made it up to the deck, where they met up with Tulip's fiancée, who put his coat on her because she was cold… forgetting – like the idiot that he is – that he had slipped the diamond into the pocket of the coat. Then she spit in his face, which was really cool. By this time almost all the lifeboats were taken, but Tulip ran to one and jumped in. "See ya Zac, nice knowing you!" She waved as the boat lowered.
"B-b-b-but… but…" he stammered. He gave her a puppy dog look.
"Oh, @%$&. Not the puppy dog look. @%$&." She took a flying leap out of the boat and back onto the ship to be with Zac.
They ran frantically around searching for a boat that would except Zac as a man. "Come on, I'm weak and dumb just like a girl! LET ME INNNNNN!" He pleaded but it didn't do him any good.
Soon the ship's end sunk and the other end started to stand up in the air. Using awesome special effects and computer animation, the ship cracked right in half and a ton of people fell to their gruesome death. Somehow Tulip and Zac held on to the railing where they first met and survived. Zac said shiveringly to Tulip, "You jump… I jump. Right?"
"There you go again, with this jumping crap… and we're about to die here! Show some respect you fool!"
But eventually that half of the ship sank as well, and Tulip and Zac were sucked into the water. They swam to each other frantically and by some miracle – even though there were hundreds of other people right there beside them, clinging to their lives – Zac found a big piece of driftwood and climbed onto it.
"HEY!" Tulip yelped. "I'm the woman, I should be on the wood and out of the water!"
Zac sighed. "Fine…" he slid off and Tulip scrambled on.
Then they just drifted around for a few hours, their bodies slowly freezing and dying. Zac could sense that he was dying, so he told Tulip, "Never let go… never let go."
Eventually Zac stopped responding to Tulip. "Zac?" She called his name. "Zac? Zac? ZAC? Zac, ANSWER ME!" She screamed into his ear… but got no response.
She would've started crying, but she couldn't because of that surgery… oh wait, plastic surgery wasn't invented then. Okay, let's say that her tears were all frozen. Yeah, that'll work. So she didn't cry.
She ripped her hand off of Zac's and slowly let him fall off of the driftwood into the black water. "I'll never let go Zac… I'll never let go," she mumbled, even though she was in fact, letting go…
He slid down into the blackness. She lay there, silent, for a few moments, until there was a splash in front of her. Zac popped back up.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO LET GO!" He gasped for air and climbed up on the wood.
"I thought you were dead."
"I'm not."
"Oh."
Their stimulating conversation was interrupted by an odd whirring sound. They looked up and saw a light coming towards them. It was a helicopter.
"A HELICOPTER! WE'RE SAVED!" Zac exclaimed.
"Helicopter? Have those been invented yet?" Tulip replied.
"Who the hell cares, we're SAVED!"
Zac and Tulip climbed up the rope to the phantom chopper. The pilot asked, "Should we pick up more survivors?"
Zac and Tulip replied with a synchronized, "NO!" So the chopper took off and flew Tulip and Zac to the place where the Titanic was supposed to go.
And then they lived happily ever after.
***
"Are you done now woman? It's late and I want to go home!" The man said.
"Yes. That's it." The men got up to leave, but Tulip stopped them. "I want my drawing. That's what I came here for… I almost forgot!"
"Fine. That story was so long and boring I almost forgot my name! I'd do anything to get away from you right now." He grumbled, then handed her the drawing. "Take it, but promise never to contact us again!"
"It's a deal." She walked off to leave. But unfortunately, they were on a boat.
"OH, @%$&! YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO STAY ON THIS BOAT WITH HER UNTIL WE GET TO SHORE?" The man wailed and jumped off the boat, swimming furiously away.
Later, Tulip went out on the deck, and she climbed up on the shiny, slippery looking rungs. Her foot slipped and she fell down to the hard ground. "@%$&! MY BONY ASS!" She got back up and, this time more carefully, climbed up the railing.
She gazed out at the water and closed her eyes, recalling the day when she and Zac shared their first kiss. It was really corny.
Then she reached down in the pocket of her granny robe and pulled out that huge diamond necklace. Little did the men, who had been searching for the necklace for years, know that the annoying old woman had it all along.
She whispered to herself, "I'll never let go Zac… I'll never let go…" and she was about to chuck the necklace into the lake when she was startled by a voice behind her.
"What are you talking about, Tulip? I'm right here." It was Zac. Using his cane, he hobbled over to Tulip and hugged her.
"Think there's any cars in this boat's basement?" Tulip asked, grinning.
"Uh… I don't think this dinky boat has a basement…" He frowned, then looked at Tulip again. "Aw, what the hell." He pulled her down to the floor.
They played poker.