December 28, 1992
Dear Friend,
I've decided to write letters to you again. But that's because something changed. It is now a few days after my birthday and Christmas and Sam called this morning.
'Charlie?'
'Sam!'
Hearing her voice just put me in a better mood, although this year I felt good anyway. I think the psychiatrist fixed me a little. I probably won't know unless things go far between Sam and I. She asked me if I wanted to go out, just the two of us and do something as she had been busy on my birthday and with Christmas, too. She told me how she wanted to call before, but unless she could've seen me, she decided she wouldn't. But she has called now, and I am happy because it is a nice surprise.
When Sam said she was going to drive over in her truck I got excited and put the phone down after she had said goodbye. I went out to the front yard and sat on the cool grass. I watched the road, waiting silently for Sam to arrive in the distance, her truck moving closer to me.
I heard the truck before it turned the corner and I could see Sam was at the wheel. I remembered now that I had never wanted to go out if Sam had to pick me up all the time, it still seemed unfair but I hadn't been alone with any girls since Sam and I almost had sex before she left for Penn State.
That thought made me feel bad. I thought then that I had ruined it for her, but then again I don't really remember much. Just being blank. Like paper before I write an essay for Bill. Or an essay I did write for Bill. He doesn't teach me anymore. But I'm getting away from Sam now.
When she pulled up outside my yard I got up and went to the truck. Sam smiled softly at me. It was that beautiful smile she had, the one I could never forget. I got in the truck and she reached across and gave me a half-hug with one arm. At the time I wished it could have been a proper hug. But by the end of the evening I didn't mind.
It was a nice feeling, the half-hug in the truck. And I wanted to hug her back. But there wasn't enough space unfortunately. When Sam let go I asked her where we were going.
'Where do you want to go?'
I shrugged. 'I just like being with you again.'
Sam laughed.
'How very Charlie-esque of you, Charlie.'
That musical laughter was back in my life and it made me want to cry. But I didn't. I actually managed a smile. And I remembered what Sam had said to me in her room before we started to touch each other. And only a few minutes after Sam had started the truck I said,
'Sam, stop the truck.'
I had spoken quite fast and sharply, which isn't like me really. So that would explain why Sam looked at me worriedly. But she did stop the truck. I looked out at the deserted road ahead, and then to her. I leaned over to her and kissed her soft lips. And Sam kissed back. She always kissed back I guess. Apart from that time we played truth or dare, but I don't want to remember that. And we broke apart. And then we kissed again. And the road was quiet. And everything felt fine. When we stopped, Sam whispered something to me.
'Happy Birthday, Charlie. I've missed you.'
I smiled. And I wanted to cry again. But I didn't. Same started the truck again and kept driving. We listened to tapes. When we reached the tunnel Sam stopped the truck and I got out and into the back. As she drove I stood up with my arms out. This time I didn't cry. I felt alive. Infinite. I was in the back of the truck and I wasn't crying. I could still taste Sam on my lips and that made everything better. She was here. I was here. I was shouting this fun shout and I could see Sam smiling when she turned back to me.
When we reached the end and could see downtown with all its lights, Sam stopped. I got back in the front again. She just smiled at me, and her lips were soft on my cheek. Sam started driving again and we went to the Big Boy. We ate and she sat next to me and we kissed more. It was nice. It was like what having a girlfriend must feel like. Sam was so close to me. I actually put my arm around her for a little while. That felt good too. And she didn't mind that either. I guess to the other people at the Big Boy we were just another couple. She smiled as we are and talked about how things had been since we had last seen each other. I had a lot to tell I guess. And I told her I wasn't ready to tell yet. She said that was ok and that I could tell her when I was ready, or write it to her in a letter if she had to go back to Penn State. Her eyes, those green eyes that didn't make a fuss about itself, looked lovely in the evening light.
'You look beautiful.'
I told her that and I think she actually blushed. It was like the time Mary Elizabeth had asked if she was pretty and I told her yes. But this was better because it was Sam.
'Thank you, Charlie. You're looking very handsome tonight, too.'
And I smiled. Because not a lot of people called me handsome. Only my Mom, maybe my sister once. And Aunt Helen. But I don't want to talk about her. Not yet. Not while I'm talking about this moment with Sam. We finished eating and we left. In Sam's truck we kissed more and then she drove.
She drove us to a quiet place. I liked it. All the tress and the sunset and the aloneness of it all. And we did what I had done with Mary Elizabeth in the basement. Sam was topless and braless. I was too. Topless, that is. I don't wear a bra. We did everything you could do topless from the waist up and it felt good. I felt good. Sam felt good. Especially her breasts.
I think she was nervous of going further though, because of what had happened before. I thought it would be a good idea to tell people, like Patrick. That way if anything bad happened, he could help. But Sam disagreed. She said she wouldn't until I was totally ready. Truth is I was ready then. But I didn't want my first real time with Sam, with anyone really, to happen in a truck. I thought it would be uncomfortable. So I helped Sam dress and she helped me. And she drove me home and got out of the truck and took me to the front door. We kissed again before saying goodbye. Sam said I could come and see her when I wanted until a few days after New Year when she had to go back to Penn State. And she told me Patrick would like to hear from me, too. But he was still in Washington. And then I kissed her again and she got back in her trunk. I watched her until I couldn't see her anymore. Then I went inside and smiled at my Mom, Dad, my sister and brother. Then I went to my room.
And I masturbated because I thought that now I was allowed to think of Sam like that.
Love always,
Charlie