A/N: Well, it's been a good couple of days without writing and I decided to try something different, to experiment (again), so, here you have it: a fic that starts out really sparse and grows wordier as things progress (and get fluffier).

Apologies in advance to Ms. Loveunderlockandkey and to those who are not too fond of very graphic wordings.

Thanks to its-mrs-hughes and mellastar and osusprinks for beta-ing! (see how I asked THREE people to give all of this the once over? That is how insecure I am about this - reviews and comments are very much appreciated!)

Chapter one
Wanting more than you can have

She turned her head away from him as he pulled out of her. This had been their routine for years now and it had never bothered her before. She knew it was the only way they could be together without complications. Since a few weeks though, she had started to hold on to him as she could feel him spasm, but he was stronger than she was and he always managed to break loose from her, letting go of himself somewhere on her body or even in his hand, soiling his wedding ring.

He laid down beside her and covered them both with the covers. She still couldn't bear to look at him, fearing she would cry. He wrapped an arm around her waist and nuzzled her neck and she reached out to him, her arm at a slightly strange angle, to stroke his cheek.

"What's the matter?" his voice sounded raw around the edges, a consequence of him holding back his cries as he reached his climax.

"Nothing." she answered.

"Yes, there is."

"I can't tell you." she said, her voice wavering slightly.

"Can't you?" He pressed at her side, willing her to turn to him and she moved to her back. When she had started out at Downton, she had wondered why the Housekeeper had a double bed instead of a single, but she soon found out when she was promoted. She had fallen deeply in love with the Butler and he with her - just like their predecessors had before them.

"No."

"You might try." He coaxed her and she sighed deeply.

"I just wish you wouldn't pull away at the end, it makes me feel..." she trailed off.

"Feel what?"

"Lonely." she replied. And terribly, terribly sad. To have a husband, to share a life, but to feel so disconnected every time their lovemaking drew to an end was taking it out on her. She held her breath to steer her mind away from the other thing.

Of course he touched upon it. He would. "If I don't pull away..." He pushed himself up on his elbow. "... you know what might happen."

Elsie nodded. "Oh, I do. Better than anyone, I suppose."

They laid together in silence. The clock ticked away the minutes and Elsie swallowed hard to get rid of the tears that were running down her cheeks.

"Is that what you want?" he asked.

She nodded again.

"It will change things." He contemplated.

"Yes." She scraped her thoat. "I could talk to Her Ladyship."

He didn't say anything. Elsie heaved a disappointed sigh.

"Let's go to sleep, they will wake us early enough." Or at least there would be an early knock on the door and signal that Charles would have to go back to the male quarters - even if the servants were aware of their marriage, they needed to chaperone their charges.

She turned back to her side and pulled up her knees, curling up like a ball, wrapping her arms around herself.

She didn't sleep a wink.

A/N: Like I said: a sparse first chapter. Tomorrow: chapter 2.