I was pretty hesitant about posting this… but, well, here we go…
WARNING: Extensive, repetitive use of cliché, sarcastic comebacks by so many people that I can't possibly name them all. (I'm lazy you see…)
If you are adverse to sarcasm, I warn you off this fic.
Now, please kids don't take ideas from this. PLEASE!
THE SD BULLET
Tsuna got up from the rubble, he raised his face already full of bruises and cuts, as well as one swollen black eye.
"I hope You enjoyed your life herbivore."
He squared his shoulders and faced the mass of people claiming for his blood.
"Kufufufu, when I'm done with you Sawada Tsunayoshi you will beg me to kill you."
"I'm going to shred you to ribbons! LION CHANEL!"
Really, people died all the time. It was not a big deal.
"Prepare yourself Vongola."
He even permitted himself a soft, bitter smile. He was now finally free of the mortal's chains of fear and panic. Untouchable.
"Sawada I'm going to extremely punch you once for that!"
His eyes were calm and completely serene, like a man who just found enlightenment and complete inner peace. He could almost hear soft chimes in the wind ruffling his hair.
"Fucking Trash, You- are-dead-meat!"
Fourteen years, he mussed, was a very nice life span, it had been more than he had expected lately really.
"VOOOOIII!, I will hold him down boss, you just beat the crap out of him!"
Would heaven be nice? It looked nice in pictures. Such nice and soft clouds…all fluffy.
"BAKA-TSUNA! Take this!"
What…? Oh! Those were grenades, supplied his brain in a final agonizing moment of clarity, he watched the weapons coming to him, the graceful arc of their perfect trajectory, Lambo really was getting better aim these days...
"Juudaime NOOOOO"
"TSUNA!"
"Dame-Tsuna wake up!"
24 HOURS previously….
Reborn watched with unconcealed glee the new bullet set sent form Italy. He appreciated the perfect proportion of the three bullets, all symmetrical and well balanced, the spiral grooves perfectly craved for a perfect shot. He felt a small tear almost escape his black eyes from the beautiful image.
"Ah! Reborn-kun, You got new Toys to play with?" Asked Nana with her usual brilliance, it reminded him that he needed some test subject.
"Yes mama, by the way, where is Tsuna?" Really, why should he look for a new victim when he had his favorite one so near?
"Ara? Tsu-kun is upstairs, sleeping I think…He seemed a little bit tired." Reborn smiled brightly; perhaps having that gang chasing him all around the town had wore him out?
He had such a weakling for a student; he should be only mildly tired, Reborn had only paid for three hours of chase after all…
With shift movements, he deposited his new bullet in his favorite gun, the cartridge smoothly engaging in the weapon. He climbed the stairs and opened the door, his victim was completely knocked out, half of the body out of the bed, it only took him a fraction of second to shot but something unpredictable happened, the prey reacted with a burst of flame to deflect the missile, but the bullet still managed to injury him before melting.
"HIEEE! W-what? Who's attacking?" He slipped out of the room letting the hysterical boy inside, the boy seemed unaffected but the bullet had clearly injured him.
Mmmm…He should observe him closely. Just in case.
Tsuna woke up the next morning with a massive headache and slightly nauseous, then he looked at his clock and screamed at the mocking face of the little evil thing, it was late, really late!
With scream of panic he launched himself to the door and noticed that he was still clad in his uniform from yesterday, it was dirty and torn in pieces but it was the uniform!
He launched himself out of his room and out of the door not even pausing to acknowledge his mother, while running and avoiding people, he looked at his watch; he could make it, he would get in time!
"Juudaime! Good morning!" Yelled the enthusiastic voice of Gokudera and he waved. The bomber caught up to him and Tsuna answered his greeting. "What is good about seeing you this morning?" Replied Tsuna in a deadpanned voice and both froze in the spot, Tsuna crashing against a lamppost in the process.
"Uh… sorry?" Gokudera was looking at his boss wide eyed and a little bit green.
"It's nothing personal, I just can't stand retards." Answered Tsuna in the same bored voice while inside panicking at his own words.
"j-juudaime… is calling me an idiot?" Almost sobbed Gokudera, staring in horror at his boss, who got the same glassy eyed look before replying. "Of course not!" Gokudera sighed. "Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people." And then crumbled down in desolation.
"Ohayo! Tsuna! Gokudera!" Yamamoto chose that moment to reach the pair and looked in curiosity the puddle of misery that was Gokudera and a pale faced Tsuna. "Guys? What happened?"
"Just two disasters: Morning and meeting you." Said the small boy now getting a nice red color and closing his mouth with a sharp snap.
"Woa? Are you fine Tsuna? Can I help you?" Asked the baseball player looking at the red face and panicked expression contrasting horribly with the bored voice.
"Suuure, but you're about as useful as the white crayon." Tsuna stared at his two friends and ran away as if being chased by the devil itself, while covering his mouth with both hands. Leaving behind a crushed right man and a very confused friend.
He ran until he saw the gates of the school and watched in dismay that there was not a soul in sight, only one, very noticeable, very scary prefect.
"Herbivore, you are late." Said the prefect in a menacing tone, the school watch loudly proclaiming the start of the classes.
"No, REALLY? Looks like I overestimated the number of brain cells you have…" He drawled while his inner self froze in absolute, horrible panic, Hibari's eyes got bigger at the answer for a second just to be replaced by a wide smile.
"You pathetic little animal, I'm going to bite you to death" He said in a low tone and took out his tonfas. "Please don't, I'm not sure you have all your vaccines" Came the reply from Tsuna, whom was now in the floor in a trembling mess, and tears where starting to form in his wide, terrified eyes at his own words. The prefect was now advancing at him with a very noticeable glint in his eyes.
"Do you have a last wish?"
"Wishing you away counts? HEY! If I throw a stick, will you leave?" Tsuna could feel his spirit escaping from his mouth and he was starting to see a black aura coming from Hibari, who proceeded to launch himself at the smaller boy with a cry of anger.
He scrambled backwards and run again. "Juudaime get down!" A pair of dynamites went over his head and he saw Hibari barely avoiding the explosion but he kept running into the street and kept running away. Not noticing a very amused Reborn recording everything with a small Leon-camera.
He stopped in the park and sighed in relief when ten minutes passed and he didn't see Hibari anywhere. What was wrong with him? He couldn't control his mouth, in fact it looked like his mouth controlled itself! He needed help, and fast!
"Hey you! Kid, shouldn't you be in class?" A policewoman was looking at him and Tsuna felt dread, he clasped bond hands above his mouth and nodded frantically, praying for her to leave him alone. "Well? What's your name? That uniform is from Nanimori-Chu isn't?"
"I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?" Came his voice and the woman stared at him in irritation. "Okay you smart-ass you're coming with me to your school!"
"Thank you, but I only hang out with others like me"
"Yes? And what are you?" She asked and felt the beginning of a headache, if the little idiot just started with something like a 'I'm the son of…' she was going to get really irritated.
"I'm a human, what are you?"
"What?"
"Oh you don't know? Well it must be hard looking like that…"
Tsuna was now trying to bit his own hand but his mouth kept moving, he could hear his words, he could feel his lips moving and he could feel his demise just seconds away, so he ran once more, taking advantage of the enraged woman, he needed to hide in a place with no people!
He finally stopped and found himself inside an abandoned pair of houses, he crawled through a hole in the boards blocking the entrance and started to hyperventilate in panic, he couldn't go home, what if he said something horrible to his mother, or even worse, to Reborn!
"Kufufufu… look what the cat brought in!"
No, no, no, no, no. NOT HIM!
He saw before him the kokuyo gang, at their side were three burly men, between them they had a casket of something and where seemingly in the middle of a deal or transaction of some kind.
"What are you doing here you Vongola idiot?" Asked an enraged M.M. who grabbed him by his shirt and Tsuna tried with all his might to escape and keep his mouth closed "Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?" He said and M.M. looked at him in slight shock.
"Did you just insult me?" Exclaimed the girl and Tsuna felt in dread as his lips parted and that horrible bored voice came out of his mouth.
"Wow, you're even dumber than you look. It took you long enough. You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity, right?"
Shocked silence appeared into the room, before Ken hysterical laugh cut it and M.M. now looked beyond pissed off, she was now looking at him with a very scary face.
"Wait M.M. This is clearly not Sawada Tsunayoshi, this must be a trap, step back!" Mukuro was looking at him in a clearly hostile way and Tsuna started to try to get out from the same hole but he found the wall covered in lotus vines.
"Now, did you really think you could fool me?"
"I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?" Said Tsuna and Mukuro smirked in a very dark menacing way.
"Now you're dead fucking shrimp!" Said ken and Mukuro was smiling widely at him, a sadistic smile that promised lots and lots of pain.
Tsuna locked eyes with Ken and moaned in pain when his trapped lips escaped through his teeth. "Wow! You must be the first one in your family born without a tail!"
"Don't let him provoke you Ken." Said Chikusa, while looking passively at him "This is clearly not Vongola. You better answer Mukuro-sama questions, or you're going to regret it."
"Aren't you just a ray of sunshine. By the way, nice hat! Which dwarf are you?"
"…Mukuro-sama, please let me kill him."
"Please don't be offended, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!"
"Oya, you think very much of yourself? Kufufu you obviously don't know who I am."
"That's so cute how you think I care. Can I ask you a question? The pineapple head is to get pity or monkeys?"
Tsuna felt like vomiting, HE-WAS-DEAD, so very, dead, he had said the 'p' word, THE 'P' WORD! He stopped breathing, hoping to staunch the next words.
"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed." And of course it didn't work.
Mukuro smiled, very, very widely. "Chikusa, I have Changed my mind…"
Tsuna sobbed, a pitiful resigned sob. "Excellent, so does the new one works better?"
He started pounding the vines, his poor lip was now bleeding from the abuse and the Kokuyo gang was now closing on him. All of them were pissed off; even Chikusa had a small tick under the eye. Tsuna started to pray inside. There was no way he could leave in one piece.
"GET HIM!" Ordered Mukuro and Tsuna screamed and ran to the window in the next wall, getting between the confused, other random men dressed in black who were in the room, who also were conveniently place as a shield to his escape.
HE NEEDED TO HIDE, HE NEEDED A SAFE HOUSE, NO! A BUNKER!
"There he is!"
Someone grabbed him by the waist, or more correctly something. When he regaining his breath he saw Dino's whip in his waist and he looked up, it was indeed Dino, Gokudera and Yamamoto.
"Hey little bro. Reborn called me to find and restrain you, It seems that a strange bullet accidentally hit you. He is in Italy right now to find the antidote."
Tsuna twitched, accidentally? Reborn had shot him while sleeping! What was accidental about that?
"Aren't you happy to see me?" Asked Dino and Tsuna shook his head while trying to retreat but the whip kept him in place. "I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me" He deadpanned and Dino looked at him with a half-smile. "Aw, don't say that! I'm sure you don't mean that!"
"Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion? You know, your village called looking for you. They want their idiot back. " He said and Dino now looked very, very down. He let go of him and went to a corner to sulk. "Snif, even Tsuna Thinks I'm stupid!"
"Don't be sad, Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!" He replied and once more tried to hide his mouth behind his hands looking in desperation at his friends who were looking at him in shock.
"Dino-san I think this what the little guy meant about his personality… I think…" Said Yamamoto while looking warily a Tsuna who was nodding wildly while trying to stop his response.
"Don't think, it may sprain your brain!"
Gokudera appeared before him, looking also very wary. "Y-yes, of course! Juudaime would never say these things. This is clearly the result of being shot with that strange bullet!" Gokudera smiled at him and clasped his shoulder in support. "I feel so stupid to believe otherwise!" and Tsuna almost cried in dismay when he felt his mouth open.
"It's okay to feel what you are. Really, 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?"
"Tsuna-kun! That was not nice!"
KAMI-SAMA Not them! Pleaded his small wailing inner self, when he saw Haru and Kyoko approaching them, Tsuna tried to run but Yamamoto impeded his scape.
"Ah! Please don't listen to him, he was drugged and now is talking funny things! The little guy went for some medicine to get him better." Said Yamamoto, Haru and Kyoko looked at the struggling Tsuna and a rock sculpture that seemed eerily like Gokudera and that was slowly crumbling in pieces.
"What are you doing here?" Asked Yamamoto and Tsuna shook his head and gestured trying to tell him to stop talking. Why couldn't they just stay silent!
"Ah? Haru-chan asked me to accompany her to pick up a new dress." Said Kyoko while looking in slight concern at the struggling Tsuna.
"Hahi! Look Tsuna- san! don't I look pretty?" Everybody froze and Tsuna trembled, he tried, really, really tried to stop his words.
"In comparison to what? Don't you need a license to be that ugly?" Haru gaped at him, Yamamoto gaped at Him, Dino went out of his sulk and frowned at him, Kyoko definitely frowned at him.
"Whaaaa! Tsuna-san is an idiot!"
Kyoko grabbed the crying Haru and frowned at him and Tsuna felt horror and dread as their eyes met. "Tsuna-kun please apologize! That was very mean!
"Gee, the dress she's wearing sure looks nice... but NOT on her"
Tsuna did the only thing he could, he slammed his head against the pavement and felt the blessed darkness coming for him.
"Shhh… He is waking up!"
"Shut up Baseball idiot! And you woman get the hell out of here!"
"I want to help to expel the evil spirits from Tsuna-san!"
"He is not possessed you stupid woman! He is drugged!"
"HAHI! Who are you calling stupid?"
Tsuna groaned and opened his eyes; he was lying down in the shade of a tree, they were in a park, he noticed. Above him was the concerned face of Kyoko and he felt like a small piece of heaven had come to earth to grace him with peace, then Kyoko decided to address him.
"Tsuna-kun! I thought you would never wake up!"
"I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?" Blurted out of his mouth and felt like crying when Kyoko's eyes went wide and them misty at the insult.
"Sawada! Why are you making my sister cry?" He turned his head and saw how Ryohei was looking very murderous, he jumped to his feet ignoring his still bleeding forehead and watched as Ryohei started come closer.
"Wait onii-chan! Tsuna-kun is sick! He didn't mean that!"
"I extremely didn't understand what he said! But he made you cry!" Said Ryohei. Tsuna saw everybody still around him, apparently they were waiting for something.
"Sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it? I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!" He said to Ryohei and he heard Gokudera choke on his laughter but he himself felt anything but amused, especially when Ryohei looked at him with narrowed eyes.
"WHAT? ARE YOU EXTREMELY MAKING FUN OF ME SAWADA?"
"I don't know whether to laugh at you or just pity you. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?"
There should be a way to cut his tongue with his teeth, Tsuna Mussed, Reborn had said so once.
"VOOOIIIII"
Tsuna's frayed nerves were now so abused that they were becoming numb, but he could manage one more scream when he saw Squalo and Xanxus coming out from a limousine behind him.
"You brats! The ninth sent us to retrieve your stupid boss! Apparently his condition is a dangerous one! He wants him in isolation ASAP! Something about mafia wars" Said Squalo, waving around an official letter with the ninth's seal.
"What the hell did you did now scumbag?" Roared Xanxus and Tsuna tried to run, but in front was a very pissed off Ryohei, he was trapped like a rat. A large hand grabbed him by the neck and he found himself face to face to Xanxus annoyed glare. "I asked you a question"
"How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?" There was, Tsuna mussed, someone up there that hated him, a lot.
"Squalo, call a doctor, we will need it!" Growled Xanxus while his flame ignited itself in preparation to obliterate the small brunette. "Aw, did I step on your poor, itty, bitty, little ego? It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor."
He barely evaded the punch directed at him and rolled to floor to end at Squalo feet. "Oi! You better apologize in your knees idiot! You are so fucked!" Said a slightly confused Squalo while his friends tried to stop Xanxus, Tried, being the word.
"What's with the hair?, I have seen drag queens more manly than you!" Squalo blinked, and Tsuna saw in fascination how a vein in his temple slowly got filled in blood. "What did you say? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Aw, Put on your big girl panties and deal with it! Really! If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you."
"Start running Sawada!"
He had never appreciated Squalo sword close enough, and now; he decided, it was not a good time for it, so he ran again, and saw how Xanxus blasted Gokudera and Dino away, as Ryohei finally managed to free himself from Yamamoto.
"THERE HE IS MUKURO-SAMA!"
He knew that female screech, he turned around and saw the Kokuyo gang coming from the other side, and he backpedaled to escape, only to collide to something very hard and very angry.
"Herbivore. Prepare yourself"
A tonfa collided painfully into his stomach and send him flying through the air, he landed into the park again and luckily, into a sand mound, a very large sand mound that was once a kind of castle, he noticed.
"WWAAAAHHHH BAKA-TSUNA! You destroyed Lambo-Sama fortress!"
He ignored the baby and got to his feet, for once grateful at Hibari's tendency to send his opponents flying through the air. The chase continued until he found himself into a dead end between two buildings with all his pursuers blocking the entrance. He slowly turned around and stared at the enraged faces, and made his last memorable words.
"Wow! Too many freaks, and not enough circuses."
Really, dear Kami-sama, why him?
Two weeks later…
"We are calling it the 'self-destruction bullet'" Explained calmly Reborn to his avid audience, while Tsuna sipped sullenly his food through a straw, his broken jaw not allowing for anything else.
"Apparently, it makes use of the hyper intuition to find the most effective sarcastic insult to enrage the opponent. It was supposed to make him grow a backbone, but then the idiot broke it"
His audience nodded with understanding while Tsuna continued to sip his liquid food in silent sorrow.
He was making a vote of silence after this, he vowed. A permanent one.
The author, coordinator, director and her devoted bunnies would like to assure the audience that there were not real Tsunas Hurt during the making of this.
(It was the bunnies that made me do this… the bunnies!) Any grammar mistake please report it to the bunnies, they need more work.
Thank you. Review?