The Alphabet According To, a harry potter fanfic

Title: The Alphabet According To

Characters: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

Notes: This is set after the Deathly Hallows, pre-epilogue that has completely no plot and a lot of bad puns. I know you've all probably seen something like this, but I wanted to try my hand at it. I hope you enjoy!

This is the alphabet according to Harry J. Potter, Ronald B. Weasley and Hermione J. Granger. To be read with caution, and an emergency portkey.

Preferably not in the shape of a cup.

Harry!

He's right, 'Mione. Also, the graveyard is optional. Please see inside for further details.

Oh, Merlin. Without further ado or lover's spats, we present... our alphabet.

Avada Kedavra.

Acromantula.

And that's immediately what you think of?

The first one attempted to kill me, actually killed me, and killed Voldemort - it's pretty important! And Hagrid's spiders tried to eat us. Twice!

I don't want to tap da-

Bellatrix.

That monster of a woman was messed in the head, mate. Definitely thirteen players, two bludgers, one snitch, three hoops, fourteen brooms, one stadium, ten robes, half a Quaffle and five thousand fans short of a Quidditch match, that one.

She didn't do a lot of good, did she? And what she did to Neville! Oh, I hate that bi-

Hermione!

Moving on, moving on. C.

Camping.

Aww, did you have to kill the mood? Now Harry's got that twitch - you know the one, in his left eye. That means a wand is about to get snapped.

It does not! And we spent more time eating mushrooms that you did. I swear, if our kids even ask for a camping trip, some brooms are going to be flung from the Gryffindor tower...

Draco Malfoy.

I said that you were in love with the git! That's the first thing that springs to mind? Draco Bloody-Better-Than-Everyone Malfoy?

He did play a crucial role in our school lives, Ronald.

Yeah, well, I still don't like the git. He's got a wand stuck up his ar-

Elder wand.

Really, Hermione? You think of the elder wand?

Well, that was kind of the reason we were in that whole "Dumbledore's dead, Draco's a Death Eater, Snape's dead, Harry alive, alive, dead, alive, oh, look, Voldy's dead!" phase.

Thanks, mate. Real nice sum-up there.

It was just important! What with Professor Dumbledore and Professor Snape and the final battle, it was vital! Don't forget the cloak and the stone as well.

Master of Death sounds so nice... a bit of grave-robbing, forest-cleaning and trunk-searching and we're set...

Filch.

Filch, really? That's the best you can come up with, Ron?

I was going to say Fred.

Ginny.

Nice one there, mate. Hint to your girlfriend's brother justhow much you think about her...

Ginny was very important! Her and Harry are very sweet together. If you want us to stay together, I think you'd better be a lovely, supportive, best friend and older brother, don't you?

OW! Hermione, was it really bloody necessary to-

Well, I'd say Harry or me, but...

I think... Horcrux?

Mate, Horcruxes epitomise our whole lives, I reckon. First the diary. Then the ring. Then the locket. The whole fiasco with the cup, the almost-burning-to-death for the diadem, you, mate, and then Neville with Nagini, which was pretty damn epic right there...

Thanks for that, Ronald. I.

Ignatius, you know, the youngest Peverell brother?

Wasn't he your insane ancestor?

He wasn't insane, Ron, that was his brothers...

And here I thought insanity ran in the family, Hermione...

Well, it would be James, wouldn't it? Him and his "maturity" kind of started this whole thing...

Are you blaming my dad for my birth?

Kreacher, the slimy old git that he is.

Ron! I thought we had agreed to respect Kreacher and treat him like a proper being! Don't you remember S.P.E.W?

Hermione, that was Ron treating Kreacher like a proper being.

Luna.

We've gotten out of loads of scrapes 'cause of Luna. We'd probably still be in that cellar of Malfoy Manor counting bricks if it wasn't for her. And we wouldn't know about the thestrals and I'd end up in St. Mungo's in a nice bed next to Lockhart's.

Merlin. Though a lot of good he did us. Sometimes I think we'd be fine without magic.

Merlin's saggy left-

Neville? Nagini? Nympha-

Best not finish that one, Hermione. We don't want Tonks haunting us for the rest of our days and tripping over umbrella stands everywhere we go.

Well, Order of the Phoenix, of course. Where would we be without them?

I'd probably be sitting in the brain room, happily poking the stupid things and going coo-coo crazy whilst having a fine time...

Potions? I still hate to think of lessons with Snape. I don't know why you're going back for seventh year, Hermione. Slughorn's just as insane as ever, and the walrus has probably got a new person to fawn over anyway-

Jealous, mate?

I was going to say Patronus. We would have been finished by third year without it. Or Padfoot. Or Prongs.

Quidditch!

Definitely Quidditch.

What about, oh, I don't know, Quirrell? There are far more important things your little game...

It's not just a little game! It's Quidditch, 'Mione! Quidditch!

Well me, obviously.

Obviously.

What about Remus? He was pretty important the whole time. Basically a main "character." Ron's... well, you're just you, mate. We'd both be nothing without Hermione.

Snape. Slytherin. Snakes. Sirius. Snuffles. There's far too many. Stupid, slimy snakes...

I think we'll go with Snape on this one, right, Hermione?

Ugh. All I can think about it Tom Riddle and that horrendous diary in second year.

Not to mention that he's Voldemort, as well.

Maybe time turner would be more accurate? Or Teddy? Tonks? U.

Umbridge.

Umbridge.

Umbridge.

I think we're allowed Voldemort for this one, right, Harry? We have to fit him in somewhere.

Werewolf, maybe?

Or wand. Where would we be without those, after all?

Xenophilius. Jammy bastard.

Ron!

He's right. We wouldn't know about the Hallows without him, as well. And he's Luna's dad, and he just wanted to protect her.

Yule Ball.

Do you remember when I wanted to ask Cho out then? And me and Ron ended up dumping Padma and Parvati.

I remember. Distinctly.

Hey, they were fine in the end! They both went off with that Durmstrang lot, and left me and Harry to glare at you and Vicky.

I didn't take part in the glaring. I got glared at; apparently I was guilty by association. Z.

The boring moments we've had in our lives - zip.

The friends I wish I hadn't made at Hogwarts - zilch.

The moments where I wish I was still living at the Dursleys' - zero.

You've just read the alphabet according to Ron Weasley, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. Hopefully you found out a bit more about our lives along the way, and hey, maybe you even got a kick out of it. We sure as hell didn't.

Actually, you did, mate. I remember Hermione kicking you on at least ten separate occasions.

Unprovoked, I might add!

Thank you for reading, and please, when you submit us into St. Mungo's, could you ask them for a room with a view?