Welcome to the tentative pilot episode to Hetalia's newest text based cooking show! This is the part where I try to justify my choices in life by telling myself probably everyone wants to watch all the nations make dessert. Let me believe.

Anyway, I'll gauge whether or not to continue based on your response. If you like it, comment. I have a butt ton of recipes I wanna try.

"Don't you think that's too much butter?" Canada asked, balking at the sheer volume of ingredients on America's counter.

"What? Dude, this recipe makes 24 brownies. It's all good!"

"You're just going to eat them all anyway. You're still putting half a pound of butter in your body."

"Relax," America laughed. "You can have some too!"

Canada sighed and looked into the camera.

"Why is Cro making everyone do this again?"

America patted Canada's shoulder. "Don't question it, bro. It's better than making us do porn."

"Ha! I guess that's true!"

America beamed at the camera. "Hey, everyone! Welcome to the pilot episode of the cool new text-based internet cooking show, Around the World 80 Desserts! Wow, 80? Is Cro serious?"

"It's a working title," Canada explained. "Bet you $20 she's just trying to see how many puns she can come up with."

"What a lame ass! Anyway, I'm your host this week, America! This is my brother, Canadia-"

"Hi."

"And this week we're gonna make an American favorite- chocolate brownies!"

Canada cleared his throat. "The brownie as we know it was first made in 1906 in-"

"No one cares about that!" America laughed. "We're hungry!"

Canada rolled his eyes. "Fine. Go ahead, hoser."

America gestured to a huge pile of ingredients. "We're gonna make a huge batch today. My birthday's coming up, and if you're not celebrating with a ton of people, you're doing it wrong!"

"Like we said," Canada pointed, "we're going to start with half a pound of melted butter, even though that's pretty much suicide if you eat the whole batch yourself."

"Mister Judgy. We also have flour, cocoa, baking powder, salt, eggs and vanilla!"

"And sugar," Canada pointed out.

"And sugar!"

"That's… a LOT of sugar, Al."

"Also walnuts, but you can substitute chocolate chips if you want!"

"Alfred," Canada said. "Are you using more sugar than flour?"

"THE DETAILS ARE UNIMPORTANT!" America shouted.

"This is a cooking show!"

"So pay attention! 1 ¼ cups of flour, 2 cups of sugar. It's genius!"

Canada groaned. "Al, this recipe is gonna kill us."

America laughed and grabbed a mixing bowl. "Mattie already set the oven to 325 degrees-"

"Obviously, that's Fahrenheit, because America is still using the retarded Imperial system everyone else abandoned."

"Hey, you use it too!"

"Only so you can understand me!"

"Assface!"

"Idiot!"

"Anyway," America groaned. "325 degrees Fahrenheit, and let that warm while you prepare everything. You need, like, a rectangle baking pan."

"13 by 9," Canada supplied. "Again, in inches. Stupid."

"Your face is made of ass. A big problem lots of people have with brownies is getting them out of the pan once they're done."

"Americans aren't good at waiting for food to be ready before sticking it in their mouths."

America punched his brother in the shoulder. "ANYWAY, a good way to make sure your brownies don't stick is to line your pan with aluminum foil."

"OR," Canada said, "wax paper, if you're not white trash."

"HEY!"

Canada neatly arranged two sheets of wax paper in the pan, letting it hang over all the edges. "This will also make cleanup way easier."

America winked and nudged Canada. "And knowing this guy-"

"THIS guy!"

"-we need all the clean we can get! So now we're ready to start the batter, right, bro?"

Canada took the electric mixer away from him. "Did you wash your hands?"

"Yes! When?"

"Wash your hands, Alfred."

"But we're taping, Matt!"

"I wasn't asking, bro."

America grumbled and washed his hands in the kitchen sink. Canada turned to the camera.

"You can never be too careful with stuff you put in your mouth."

"I'll bet you say that all the time," America snickered.

"Yeah, your mom's pretty forgetful."

"Zing! Good one, Mattie!"

"Yeah, that's what she said last night."

America splashed Canada with water in displeasure. "Too far, dude."

Canada shook the water out of his hair, annoyed. "Are your hands clean yet, goof?"

"As a whistle! Can I make brownies now?"

"Sure."

America picked up the mixing bowl. "You need 3 eggs and 1 ½ teaspoons of vanilla. Put them in the bowl-"

"But crack them, first," Canada interrupted.

America glared at Canada. "Americans aren't that stupid, Matt."

"We'll see. You still can't crack an egg without getting shells in the batter."

"That's just because my manly muscles of manliness are too strong for wussy stuff like cooking. Your arms are like noodles."

Canada reddened. "Yeah, huge noodles! Like if mostaccioli could dead lift a hundred kilos!"

America patted his brother's head. "Dude, a hundred pounds really isn't all that much."

"Kilograms!"

"Gesundheit. So crack your eggs in the- darn!"

Canada rolled his eyes. "If you get eggshells in the batter, you can use a bigger shell to fish it out. Just remember to be careful."

"I'm always careful!"

America fished out the shells and added the vanilla. "This part is fun," he grinned. "Take your electric mixer and beat the eggs and vanilla together until you've got a light, foamy mix."

"Gross."

"Shut it. The best brownies are made with a lot of sound effects, like Star Wars."

Canada shook his head. "Al, everyone knows racecar noises make the best brownies. The mixer even sounds like an engine!"

America harrumphed in annoyance and started beating the mix. "This is America week, Mattie! We're doing it the American way! Pew! Pew! Wubwubwubwub…"

Canada glared at the mixer. "Nyeeeeeeeeeewwwww, vrum, nnnnnyewwwwwwwww…"

"Is that foamy?"

Canada looked at the frothy mixture. "Yeah. See? Car sounds make brownies better!"

"What? That was obviously the laser guns, stupid! Laser brownies!"

"If they were laser brownies they'd look like crap!"

"So now that you have your laser brownie base, you can add the sugar!"

"Slowly," Canada emphasized. "Or else it doesn't mix right."

"Fine," America grumbled. "Slowly. Matt's gonna add two cups of sugar while I blend. Ready, Mattie?"

"Ready!"

Slowly, Canada poured sugar into the bowl and America beat it.

"Vroom, vrooooooooooooom!" said Canada.

"Doo doo doo, doo DOO doo, doo DOO doo!" sang America.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEE! Nyeeeeeeeeewwwww!"

"Wubwubwubwubwub…"

The mixing blades stuck in the thick mixture. America boosted the power.

"What are you doing?" Canada cried. "You'll overheat the motor! Stop!"

"Really? Oh, shoot!"

"No, don't take it out, DON'T TAKE IT OUT-!"

America splattered the kitchen with the still-running mixers and yelped in surprise.

Canada glared from behind his batter-splashed glasses. America slowly turned off the mixers and set them on the table, grimacing.

"So," America said cautiously. "Don't take running mixers out of the bowl."

"YA THINK?"

America wiped one of Canada's lenses clean and sucked the mix from his finger. "Eee! That's a lot of sugar!"

"Did you just eat raw egg?"

America ignored him. "So now's the time to add everything else! Your melted butter, your flour, ¾ a teaspoon of baking powder, and ¾ cup of cocoa powder! Make sure to mix slowly so you keep most of it in the bowl!"

Canada elbowed his brother. "Did you just learn something?"

"Nyeh- did you just learn something? That's what you sound like. Help me out, this batter is stupid thick."

Canada laughed and spooned the brownie batter around the mixers until they had a thick, creamy chocolate.

Canada held out the salt. "Just half a teaspoon of this stuff and you're done with the batter!"

America took it. "Hey, why do we add salt again? Salt isn't chocolate."

Canada rolled his eyes. "It's your stupid recipe. You tell me."

America shrugged and mixed the salt in. "Probably something about chemicals."

"Hey," Canada said. "I just thought of something I heard Japan say once."

"Yeah? That guy's pretty awesome!"

"Yeah," Canada nodded. "He said that sometimes, if a dish is really sweet, cooks add salt to make it more interesting. The two are so different, but the way the flavors mix, they complement each other perfectly and give it a unique taste."

America shifted uncomfortably. "I'm pretty sure it's just a chemical process, Matt."

"I mean, if you think about it…"

"Please don't let this be a metaphor."

"You're my salt," Canada grinned, wrapping his arms around America.

"Aw, Mattie, no." America groaned and slapped his forehead. "This is a manly cooking show. Our only emotions are hungry and violence. Snap out of the girly crap."

Canada smirked and touched America's face. "Oh, sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"Stop it."

"Do you not want everyone at home to see you have feelings? You don't want them to know you feel things?"

"Okay, enough."

Canada giggled. "I bet you'd hate it if everyone at home knew about that time in Arizona."

"WALNUTS!" America shouted, shaking his little brother off. "Walnuts are next!"

"Ha! You're blushing!"

America ignored him. "You've basically got your delicious laser brownie base already, so you can add anything you want to make it yours! Mattie and I like walnuts, but you can do chocolate, peanut butter, cream cheese, whatever!"

Canada nodded. "Last year for my birthday, he made brownies with bacon bits."

"They were awesome!"

"So awesome!"

"So you're only limited by your imagination here!" America beamed. "Just stir your walnuts or whatever into the batter and pour it into the prepared pan!"

"This is a pretty thick batter," Canada said as America poured. "So once it's all in, you should press it down so it covers the bottom evenly."

America looked fondly at the chocolate mixture. "The next time I see you, you'll be all grown up…"

"You need a moment, Mr Man?"

"Nah, bake the sucker!"

America threw the brownies in the oven and set the timer for 30 minutes.

Canada looked at the camera. "It's a good idea to clean up while you wait for the brownies. You can get it out of the way."

"Yay!" America cheered.

"Al," Canada said, confused. "You seem happy about cleaning."

"Yeah! I call the left mixer blade!"

Canada tried to stop America from putting the chocolatey whisk in his mouth. "That's raw egg! You're gonna get sick!"

"It'f fine," America said through the metal and batter in his mouth. "But if it boverf you, I'll protect you by eating yourf, too."

"No fair! Give it here!"

…22 Minutes Later…

"Al, they aren't ready! Wait!"

America beamed at the camera. "No way! They need to know this about brownies! People, this is one of the only desserts in the world that actively rewards impatience!"

A wave of heat filled the kitchen as America opened the oven and took out the pan of brownies. Canada's protests died in his throat when the smell hit him.

"Mother of God," he murmured.

America grinned. "Check to make sure no part of your brownies is liquid. If they're solid, undercooked brownies can come out. It gives us moist and gooey bars. You can bake until they're dry if you want, but I'm hungry!"

Canada raised his hand. "Can I have some?"

"Of course, bro! Go grab a big plate and some milk!"

Canada brought the supplies and waited.

America gestured to the pan. "One of the problems with gooey laser walnut brownies is getting them out of the pan. Luckily, we lined it with wax paper before we started, so all we have to do is lift them out!"

"Carefully," Canada said.

"Carefully," America agreed. "Ready? One, two, three!"

They lifted the edges of the wax paper up and transferred the brownie block to the plate. Canada admired every gooey brown inch as America cut it into clumsy squares.

He picked one up and winced. "Ooh! It's still hot!"

Canada rolled his eyes. "You think?"

"Doesn't matter, moment of truth! Ready, Mattie?"

"Hold on, wait two minutes!"

"No!"

"…man…"

Canada grabbed a brownie and clinked their milk together. They each bit half their brownies and-

"AUGH!"

"OH GOD!"

Canada drained his milk and America stuck out his burnt tongue.

"It taftef wike pain!"

"Awfwed, you fawkin hoseh, why!"

"Tune in nekft time to fee our favowit Gewman brovers make cookief! I've been Amewica and you've been awesome! Good night evewyone!"

1 1/2 tsp vanilla
2 c sugar
1/2 lb butter, melted and cooled
1 1/4 c flour
3/4 tsp baking powder
3/4 c cocoa powder
1/2 tsp salt
Like half a cup to a cup of walnuts, white chocolate chips, raspberries etc. You can add literally anything, this recipe is so American! There's a cream cheese variation, but it involves two more steps and I don't have that kind of attention span, lol!