Through the Beauty of the Burning Violin

By: RavenHeart101

Summary: "Noah was going away to war. And he might never come back." Blaine suffers through the fear of war with no one by his side but a teddy bear, his memories, and a series of letters.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't even want to own this. Why did I do this? The title belongs to The Civil Wars and their song "Dance Me To The End of Love".

A: N – Have some tissues on hand. This story is dedicated to all of the soldier out there that fight for our lives – or have fought for our lives. This story is dedicated to every LGBT or minority soldier that is told that they can't be themselves – that are told that they are different – that aren't given credit for risking their lives simply because of who they love. This story is dedicated to every soldier in the world. Thank you for all that you've done.

Dear Blaine,

One day you will read this, and you'll know that I'm gone.

Or maybe I won't be gone. Maybe I'll just be in the bathroom getting ready for our wedding or maybe we'll be in an old folks home together, our children visiting us for what will be the last time.

I just want to tell you that I don't regret it. I don't regret being with you. I don't regret choosing you over every other selfish bastard that tried to tear us apart.

I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. I was an idiot for not realizing it until later. I am still an idiot.

I'm sorry for getting into a fight with you over something as stupid as putting my clothes away right. I know you were stressed and didn't want to see me go. I know that – I knew that – but I didn't want to go either. I'm sorry I stormed out of the apartment and stayed out all night drinking even though I know you hate it when I drink. I'm sorry that I left you like that.

I'm sorry that I have ever hurt you by making this choice. But this is something that makes me feel whole. It makes me feel important. And the only other thing to make me feel like this is you.

I could live off you, but that would be selfish.

I guess this is just a letter to say goodbye – or perhaps to say hello. To tell you how much you are loved. To reassure you that even though I may be gone, it is not permanent. It's not forever. Either you'll see me when we're walking down the isle or when you go to bed or when we wake up or when I come back home or when you're in heaven by my side.

You are loved. You are special. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Noah.

When Blaine watched that bus pull away he was pretty sure he had some sort of mental breakdown. It was worry that he felt – worry and an uncontrollable sorrow. His heart jumped into his throat and if Quinn hadn't been holding him in place he's pretty sure he would have taken off after the bus, yelling at it to stop with all the lung power and volume he had gained over the years through vocal practice. Because Noah was going away.

Noah was going away to war.

And he might never come back.

Now Blaine wasn't stupid, he knew that was the situation of everyone that went to war. And he knew that Noah wasn't going to do something stupid like... well he knew Noah wouldn't do something stupid. And he remembered the day that Noah had told him that he was being shipped out and how it was his duty and how Blaine had just smiled at him and taken his hand and told him that it was okay. And that he understood.

He also remembered that Noah had promised him that he would come home in one piece. Noah always kept his promises.

But this may just be a promise that was too hard to keep.

That night he curled up in bed, his cell phone ignoring all calls, his eyes glued to the screen – no matter how watery they were, no matter how much the lighting was giving him a headache - and a teddy bear clutched tight in his arms. A picture of him and Noah stared back at him, Noah in his uniform and Blaine in his regular clothes. It was taken five days before Noah shipped out by Quinn. They were smiling. They were happy.

Blaine couldn't help wondering if it would be the last time they would ever be that happy.

Tears leaked down his cheeks and he wasn't sure if it was because of the pain in his heart or the dryness of his eyes. But they leaked all the same. His phone rang silently, his finger snapping out to press ignore. He didn't dare think of what Kurt would do when he found out that Blaine had ignored his call. But he didn't care.

Blaine hugged the teddy bear closer to his body and didn't dare let his eyes slip shut.

If this was the last time he would see Noah smiling he wanted it to last.

Dear Noah,

I miss you.

I know, it's corny as hell right? How many guys are getting letters telling them how much they're missed? But it's true. I can't sleep in our bedroom anymore knowing that you're not going to be home to hold me if I wake up with a nightmare. I've taken to sleeping on the couch or at Quinn's.

Kurt's stopped by. He told me to stop worrying. But I don't know how not to stop worrying. You know me. The worrywart.

I've been better lately. Going to work. Talking to people. Smiling. Laughing. I guess Cooper's visit made that possible. You should thank him as soon as you get back or I would probably be a fat mass sitting on the couch by the time you get back.

Yes, get back. I'm refusing to think that you won't. You have to. You aren't allowed not to come back, got it? We've got to get married. We've got to start a family. You have no choice in the matter.

I'm scared of what will happen to you there. I'm scared of what will happen to me here. But I trust you. And I trust you to know that all of my love is being sent to you while you're away.

I hope you're having better luck sleeping than I am. I know it's going to make you look like a wimp in front of all the other guys but I sent you a teddy bear I saw in the cafe we used to go to all the time. I hope he can help you sleep like the one you got me helps me sleep.

I love you so much.

Please be safe. I can't wait to see you again and hold you again.

Forever and always,

Blaine

Dear Blaine,

Things here are going good. We haven't really had to do all that much combat yet, but we've had to do enough.

I think of you all the time. Wonder what you're doing. I hope you're not letting this eat you up inside (even though I know you are.).

You need to stop worrying. You need to go out and do something fun. Let Kurt and Jesse take you to that bar they've been trying to get you to go to for months. Go take a week off and hang out with Cooper, get to know Hollywood some.

Keep an eye on Quinn. Don't let her worry herself like you're worrying yourself. Santana's doing fine. I actually saw her the other day when I was bringing in one of my team members to be bandaged by the doctors.

What am I doing? I'm simplifying the problems for you. I'm sorry. I know how much that annoys you.

The guy had been caught in a roadside bomb. He had no arm and he was bleeding out pretty fast. We were doing all we could but it still didn't seem enough. He had been screaming his head off, Blaine.

I hear his screams in my nightmares. His screams and yours.

I can't help thinking of what if it was you that had been blown up?What if it was you that was screaming because of the pain? What if it was you...?

Anyway, the guy asked me to give his wife this notebook full of letters. I guess that's what he's been doing the whole time he's away from her. Writing to her.

Maybe I'll do that to you. Maybe I won't.

I got the bear you sent.

None of the guys made fun of it. Some of them actually looked jealous.

Drop by to talk to my mom, yeah? Make sure to tell Sarah I love her and to stay strong in school.

Make sure not to let yourself miss me too much. I'll be home before you know it.

Forever and always,

Noah

He went back to work the moment he arrived back in New York – well, he did after a lot of prodding from Kurt and a surprise visit from Cooper. He was trying not to be a wreck, he really was. But he couldn't help thinking that everything felt too familiar. Even though Noah was no where around him everything felt too familiar.

It felt as though Noah was still there, half the time. It was as though Noah was just having a long day at work and Blaine would go out for lunch with Kurt or Quinn or Rachel or Carmen or Jesse. Quinn told him that she was going through the same thing with Santana so the two of them stuck together as much as they could.

Yet, the day always ended the same. Blaine would be home. Alone.

He could fool himself for a few days that Noah would be coming home. That he was just late. Even though the reality of the situation was tugging at the back of his mind, he could fool himself for a while.

Only it didn't happen and that just made it hurt more so he figured he should stop doing that.

So he went to work. He went home. He made enough dinner for two. He tried to sleep on his side of the bed but always ended up on Noah's. He hugged the teddy bear every time he felt alone – every time he woke up from a nightmare, every time he dreamed of a memory, every time the fear got so bad he felt as though he couldn't breathe.

To put it simply Blaine survived. He pushed through the days.

And he always fell asleep looking at Noah's picture or playing the last recorded voice mail he had from his fiance just so that he wouldn't forget his voice.

Dear Noah,

I saw on the news that they are sending in more troops. For what seems like no reason. Is there any reason for this war? I don't mean to sound disrespectful – everyone who's off risking their lives for my safety gets all of my respect and love – but I wonder if there's any real point to this war. But, then again, is there any real point to any war?

I guess that's just me, again, missing you.

Everyday seems like the same here. I can't really bring myself to care about the people on the street without you by my side.

I went to the park today, sat down under the tree and looked out across the pond. Just like we used to always do together. I didn't pack a lunch or anything really. I just sat there with my guitar.

I didn't play anything. That was your thing.

I hope you have some way to get your hands on one. You would bring the other guys so much entertainment and joy by playing for them. You always gave people joy by playing your music for them.

Do remember that song you wrote me in your sophomore year of college? You know, like a year before we got together?

I think of that song all the time, you know? It was probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. Friend or lover.

I think of the lyrics. I think of the way your voice sounds when you sing. The way you allow the music to fill you up and take control.

I think of it all the time.

It's like even though you're gone I can't get the song out of my head. It wasn't even that well written of a song!

I hope you know what you've done to me.

You know that old lady that sits on the bench like three feet to the left of our tree every day? Well she joined me on the grass today. Asked me to tell her all about you. I did. I told her everything.

She asked me to play for her. I did. I sang her that song we've been working on for our wedding. The song that was meant to be our song by the time we get married.

She loved it. Her name's Marie.

You're mother's doing fine. So's Sarah – though she has a new boyfriend. This one isn't a punk so you shouldn't need to waste time threatening him.

I miss you. It's like there's this part of me that's been forcefully taken away.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Blaine.

Dear Blaine,

I saw a little girl get killed today. By one of the men in my squad.

You know I don't even think he knew what he was doing. It was like he wasn't himself. He saw a little girl with a gun and he freaked. He shot her. Through the heart.

At least it was fast.

But the gun was a water gun. It was one of the fucked up ones made to look like real guns.

She was holding a teddy bear, B. It used to be light brown. Not it's red.

I can't bring myself to cry over it. Even though I want to. Does that make me a horrible person? I mean I must be a really bad – or fucked up – guy if I can't cry over a little girl being killed for no fucking reason.

Why are we even here Blaine? Why did I even come here? I swear I only know that I'm fighting for you now.

I'm fighting for you. For Sarah. For my mom.

Mostly for you.

I can't wait to be home again. I can't wait to hold you again. I can't wait to kiss you again. I can't wait to have sex with you again. I can't wait to be married to you. To start a family with you.

The other guys here have said a few things about me. They've tried to at least. I think the fact that I'm the sharpest shooter out of us has gotten them keeping their mouths shut a bit.

Don't worry about that. Please don't worry about it. Things will be okay. I promise.

I think of you when I go to bed every night. I think of you ever second of everyday. I miss you all the time.

But I can't think that this was a mistake. Because it wasn't. Even though I can't seem to figure out what I'm fighting for I do know that I'm doing some good. Fighting for you.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Noah.

Within the first three months Blaine's hit a lull. He misses Noah, yes of course he does. But that ache in his heart and head has sort of turned normal for him. It's as though he's back in Ohio where he's told not to be himself. Not that he's told that here – not that he's told that in New York. It still feels like he's back there, though.

He hates himself for a long time. He hates himself for getting used to life with Noah. He hates himself for being able to fall asleep without needed to hear Noah's voice. He hates himself for getting songs besides their song stuck in his head. He hates himself for laughing when Noah's out there suffering through a war to keep him safe.

He gets over that hate with some time though.

Now he just dislikes himself. Now he just feels guilty.

Blaine feels guilty every time that guy in his office flirts with him. He feels guilty every time he goes out with Rachel and Kurt for drinks. He just feels generally guilty.

Him and Quinn talk about it, and Quinn seems more well adjusted than he is. But he supposes she would be – even though Santana's out there in a dangerous area, even though being a doctor for the army isn't exactly safe, it's safer than what Noah's doing. It's so much safer than direct contact with who ever the enemy is this time.

Quinn understands his guilt though. She looks Blaine right in the eye and holds his hand and doesn't bother lying to him. She doesn't tell him that Noah will come home. She doesn't tell him that everything is going to be okay – not like everyone else. They just hold each other's hands and maybe they cry, and they talk. They talk a lot.

Quinn's becoming Blaine's best friend.

Kurt's jealous, Blaine knows he is. But Kurt doesn't understand. Kurt just doesn't understand the way that Blaine misses Noah. He tries, but he doesn't get it. Gregory is always there for Kurt. He's never leaving. He may be going to Colorado every few weeks for business but he will always come back.

But maybe that's Blaine being selfish again. Because Gregory could get into a plane crash or car accident or something. But it doesn't seem as likely.

Gregory's not out there dealing with gun fire and pain and sorrow and Blaine really wonders for a long time what it is that Noah dreams about. Does he dream about Blaine? Does he dream about coming back home? Or does he dream of death? Of pain and sorrow and guilt and everything bad?

Blaine still has nightmares sometimes. But they're not nearly as frequent as they used to be. They're still painful, though.

They're just so painful.

Sometimes he swears he can't breathe.

Dear Noah,

This guy at my office showed up when I was having drinks with Kurt the other day and asked me to dance. Rachel made me. I didn't want to. Please believe me.

We didn't do anything else. But he tried. I kicked his shin pretty hard – hard enough to leave a bruise – and stormed out. Kurt tried to stop me and I yelled at him. I guess I feel pretty bad about that now. Maybe like I shouldn't have. But Quinn told me that it was okay. That it wasn't a bad thing to get those emotions out.

I can't go back to the apartment alone, Noh. I'm so sorry. I just can't. It hurts too much. It's too empty.

Your guitar sleeps in the corner of the room. I clean it weekly, just to keep the dust off it.

I'm scared to wash your clothes. I'm scared to touch your things. I don't want to mess anything up to make you angry when you come home.

Jesse told me that I'm being pretentious and mourning you when you're not even gone. But does he even understand what it feels like? Do any of them?

I'm so tempted to just write them all off and just stay with Quinn.

Oh, I think I forgot to mention that she lives here half a the week. I live with her the other half. We don't want to be alone. We don't want to be stuck with people who don't understand.

We sat up all night when it marked the six months you've both been gone. We cried for a long time, but we were all right. We talked. We talked a lot about you two. She told me how her and Santana got together.

Did you know that Quinn used to work at a Zoo? I mean that's weird right? Why a Zoo? She said that she was working in the gift shop when Santana had wandered in with her little cousins hanging on her arms and bought each of them a stuffed animal to play with in the car. Quinn had slipped her phone number on one of the stuffed animal's tags. They went out to lunch two days later.

Do you remember how we got together? I will never forget that day.

It was so nice outside. And Kurt had been trying to get me to go to a bar but I hadn't wanted to. You had picked me up in your truck to go hang out with you and Quinn and Santana when your shitty truck had broken down. We stayed the whole time sitting in a car with a broken A/C when it was like 100 degrees out waiting for a tow truck that never came.

I secretly think you pretended that your car was broken down.

Quinn told me that it was true and Santana had given you the idea.

You're such a sap even though you say you aren't.

But, anyway, the two of us stayed up and talked and ate like three pints of ice cream – you know, rocky road and moose tracks, your favorites – and watched movies. A ton of movies. We watched Rent and Rocky Horror and Sherlock Holmes and all I could think about was seeing those movies with you. We fell asleep together on the couch.

It feel so good not to wake up alone again. Quinn's no you, and she's not a substitute. But she's a great person. She's a great friend.

I know what you had seen in her before.

I still miss you like crazy everyday.

I wear your shirts to bed every night.

I'm trying not to plan our wedding without you here but I'm thinking we should have red and blue tables. Have a red and blue theme. In honor of our respective schools and the fact that you're such a big strong army man now. Plus you look really sexy in red.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Blaine.

Dear Blaine,

So I've been dreaming of our wedding lately. I've been dreaming of walking down that isle and seeing you standing at the other end, this brilliant smile on your face.

I've pictured you in blue. I don't know why blue (though after getting your last letter I can see why). Maybe we should change the colors to a light blue and green. I think you would look so amazing in green.

But then again you would look amazing in anything.

I've been thinking about what we're going to name our first kid. I was thinking we could adopt, you know? There are so many kids out there already that don't have families. I think we could make a perfect family.

A little boy first, we could name him David Anderson-Puckerman. Or David Anderson. That sounds better. Next we'd have a little girl. She could be named Michelle Puckerman. Since you get one kid named after you I think I should get one too. Maybe we could have a third. Just to make things good. I don't know if this one would be a boy or girl. But we'd love them either way. Heather or Michael. Maybe we could name him Hank. You always had some weird liking for that name.

Promise me that even if I don't come home you'll do that.

You'll adopt three kids and love them.

Promise me you'll move on. You'll find someone else – someone better – than me. I know you don't think there's anyone better than me, but I assure you there is. I don't believe that people have just one soul mate. I believe God always makes a backup plan in case things don't work out the first time.

This isn't me saying that I'm going to die. I don't want you thinking like that. I just want you to promise me in case it does happen. I'm not about to lie to you either and tell you that I'm not scared it'll happen.

I'm just scared of what will happen to you if it does.

You have to promise me that you'll be happy. That you'll be loved. That you'll find someone new and that you'll let them love you as much as I do.

Not that anyone could ever do that anyway.

My best friend here died this morning. He was shot in the neck.

I didn't see it. But I got the notification from my Sargent.

I just want to come home.

I miss you so much.

I love you, baby.

Forever and always,

Noah.

Blaine finds out seven months in.

It's probably the worst moment in his life. He's sitting in his apartment with his whole family. They're all there. His mother and father and grandparents and Cooper and Cooper's wife and his niece and nephew.

And then there's a knock at the door and Blaine doesn't think anything of it until he opens the door.

Everyone's still talking inside, loudly. They're all still laughing. His father's telling a story about his work and how some guy tripped over a cable or something.

But there are two people standing in his doorway. Both in uniforms. One Santana. The other Blaine recognizes as Noah's recruiter.

They stare at him for a moment – no, they don't stare. Blaine knows they're talking. He can see their mouth's moving. Only they aren't saying anything that he can hear.

Santana is trying not to cry. Blaine knows that. And he knows that he should do something. So he invites them in for coffee or something. They decline and Santana hugs him and Noah's recruiter gives him a paper – a certificate or something and tells Blaine that he is so sorry for his loss and that, if he needs anything, he can call him.

And Blaine just nods. He nods slowly and lets the door fall shut. He turns around and his eyes find Cooper and there must be tears on his face because Cooper knows. His eyes are wide and his mother's asking him what's wrong but Blaine just stares at them. And his father and grandparents are still laughing and how can they be laughing?

He yells at them to leave. He yells at them to get the fuck out of his house.

They all shut up and stare at him and he just collapses right there. And he's not crying. He's not doing anything but sitting on the floor. Cooper comes to sit next to him but Blaine shoves him away.

He tells them to leave again. His parents do. His grandparents do. His sister in law and niece and nephew do. Cooper does after a while too.

And then he's alone. And he really feels it then.

Because he's alone.

Noah's gone.

He promised and he's gone.

He doesn't know how he manages it. But he somehow crawls onto the bed in their room and just hugs the bear Noah got him and just wants to die. He feels horrible. He feels as though he were the one that just died.

And he can't help but feel guilty. He can't help but feel like he cursed it by laughing at his father's stupid jokes. He cursed it by going out to bars with Kurt and Rachel. He cursed it by spending that week in California.

Blaine can't breathe. It hurts too much to breathe.

Dear Noah,

They tell me you're gone.

I don't believe them.

Or maybe I don't want to believe them.

I asked if I could bury you, because that's what you wanted.

They don't have a body.

How can they not have a body if you're gone? Doesn't that mean you're not gone?

Please come home.

Please be there when I wake up.

I don't think I can deal with this. Not again.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Blaine.

Dear Noah,

Kurt tells me that I need to try to move on. That I need to have a funeral for you and just move on. That dwelling on it isn't going to do anything but make this worse.

But how can he call our love "it"? Wasn't it enough? Wasn't it real enough?

We were going to get married. You can't leave me before that. You can't be gone.

We haven't even gotten married yet.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Blaine.

Dear Noah,

I'm know it's stupid to say that it's my fault but it feels like it is. It feels like I cursed it. That I cursed your chances.

Maybe if I hadn't been nearly as accepting of you going off to war this wouldn't have happened. You had told me that you would have stayed for me. You would have done anything for me.

What would happen if you were home? If you had made it?

Noah I can't breathe without you.

I don't know what to do without you.

It hurts so much.

Please come back home.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Blaine.

Dear Noah,

Everyone keeps expecting me to blame you. But I can't. It's not your fault.

It's not anyone's fault really.

I yelled at Santana the other day for not saving you. I feel horrible about it. I'm not angry at her.

I just want someone to blame.

But who can I blame? Can I blame God? Can I blame Satan? Can I blame you? Me? I don't feel like I can blame anyone.

I miss you so much.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Blaine.

Dear Noah,

I thought about killing myself the other day.

I didn't do it because you have been so angry at me if I had.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Blaine.

Dear Noah,

I went to a funeral home today. Picked out something to be buried in your casket. I decided your guitar would go in place of you.

That's the best description of you I have.

It's a nice casket. And you're going in a nice place. There's a name plate for me there. Waiting to be placed beside you.

I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Blaine.

Dear Noah,

I can't do this.

It's your funeral today and I can't do this.

I can't say goodbye. I can't put you in the ground and know that I'll never see you again.

It hurts too much.

I feel like this huge part of me is gone.

Why did you have to take my heart? Why couldn't it have gone to someone else?

Why did you have to be taken away?

Why did you have to go?

I don't know how to survive without you. I don't know how I've made it this far.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Blaine.

It takes them three years to find anything that is a part of Noah to bury. It takes Blaine eight years until he's in another relationship. Blaine and Aaron adopt a little boy and name him David Noah Anderson.

Blaine never really gets over Noah. That would be like getting over a part of himself. And that's physically impossible. Aaron knows that he's never going to be able to have Blaine exclusively to himself, but he doesn't try to.

Blaine and Aaron never get married and, ten years after Noah's death, in the middle of a rain storm a truck ends up skidding on the highway and hitting Blaine's car. The impact kills him immediately.

And there is no pain. There is only immense happiness. The kind that spreads all through your body and holds you in tight. He was a young star making it big in the world – making a difference in getting LGBT soldiers recognized as soldiers – making a difference in children's lives by being an inspiration for taking whatever shit life throws at you.

But, in the end, he's just Blaine Anderson. And Noah's just there. Holding his hand out for Blaine to take and, as their fingers lace together, Blaine feels whole again.

They walk on together – to live another life in another place. Together.

Forever and always.

"I'm want to get your opinion on something." Noah's voice is soft, caring in the light of the early morning, his hand on Blaine's bare chest and his lips hovering over Blaine's.

"What?" Blaine smiles up at him, his eyes darkened by the lull of sleep. His hand brushes over Noah's head, chuckling a bit when Noah nudges it away.

"All you have to do is tell me you don't want me to. And I won't do it."

"Well I can't tell you that unless you tell me what it is." Blaine laughs at him, their noses rubbing together before their foreheads rest against one another comfortably.

"I'm thinking about joining the army."

And maybe they both feel fear but Blaine knows that it's what Noah wants. "Is it what you want?"

"Yes. But all you have to do is tell me not to-"

Blaine puts a finger to Noah's lips, effectively shutting him up. "If it's what you want to do than you have my support." Blaine smiles up at him and Noah smiles down at him. "I love you. And no matter what happens I will always love you. Nothing can change that. And if being in the army is what you want than who am I to stop you?"

"I love you so much." Noah kissed him softly, holding him close and the two of them just breathed in the other.

They had forever.

So long as they were together.

A: N - Omg I am so sorry. Forgive me. I think I'm just... going to go cry in a corner.