Gentle Fist On Shafting Kunai:

Respected Lady Hyuuga,

PLEASE DO NOT FAINT!

Despite the letter-head, this letter is not written nor is it connected in any way to Uzumaki Naruto. I am writing on behalf of Naruto. Er. Not exactly correct, since the baka is crawling around the Hokage-sama's office with a dazed look and with a filthy trail of droll down his chin.

But. If he knew, I was writing this then he would be extremely sorry too. As am I. For the rather questionable letter which you have received by now. Naruto doesn't mean anything by it. We had a huge party and all of us are in a haze and nothing is making any sense right now.

But. The news is true! Naruto is our new Hokage-sama! That's the reason for our drunken state and that stupid letter.

I'm really sorry. Please don't be offended. Please.

Yours,

Haruno Sakura.

P.S. I hope your diplomatic tour to the Daimyo's is going well. Can't wait to see you.

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Haruno,

Your useless apologies arrived too late. My cousin has lost conscious on reading that filthy letter yesterday night. She has yet to wake up.

Please inform Naruto that if he even thinks about doing any one of those filthy things he wrote to my cousin. I will pull out his guts and nail his corpse to the gates. I am an ANBU captain and certainly have no inhibitions about playing dirty. You and I both know this.

Hyuuga Neji.

P.S. The tour's going well. And Hinata-sama is no doubt eager to see you too. Many congratulations to Uzumaki Naruto on becoming Hokage-sama.

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Dear Hyuuga Neji-kun,

As your superior, I demand that you return back the letter we sent to Lady Hyuuga yesterday. Immediately.

(It's the best piece of porn I had laid an eye on in nearly years. I would like to laminate it and read it day and night and night and day. It's that good. Jiraiya-sama taught Naruto well indeed.)

Oh. And you should probably not take it so seriously. We were all here when my way-ward student wrote it, Sasuke was shouting encouragements even. And I happen to remember that before things got interesting, Naruto had dedicated almost two useless paragraphs to define Lady Hyuuga's fine pale eyes. Eyes, which are very similar to yours I must say.

So who knows? Maybe Naruto wrote that to you? You know how weird he can be.

Yours truly,

Hatake Kakashi.

P.S. I'm waiting for that letter. Send it now.

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Hyuuga,

Bring it on.

Uchiha Sasuke.

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Hinata-chan,

Gomenasai dattebayo. I would never do anything to offend you.

Uzumaki Naruto.

P.S. I'm yours. Completely. Utterly. I'm yours.

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Uchiha and Uzumaki,

Fuck off. My cousin has lost conscious after reading your letter. Again.

This is war.

Hyuuga Neji.

P.S. please inform Kakashi-sempai that I do not care if he is a superior I think he's a complete lunatic.

P.S.S. Naruto, since you are most unfortunately my Hokage-sama now, I think we should be mature and diplomatic (despite our war) so that the relationship between my clan and your position will be affable and continue to be loyal.

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Yo Neji,

Excellent plan! I love it. Let's all be diplomatic and mature. Whatever you need.

Your Hokage-sama (don't you forget this),

Uzumaki Naruto.

P.S. I know mature means responsible and adult-like...and not..hehe, you know, that.

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Neji,

I think and Gai-sensei agrees with me that, Naruto-kun's passionate passion for Hinata-san is a testimony of the powers of the green suit.

I wish that you take note of the fact that Naruto-kun was wearing it, and so while he was severely intoxicated, he didn't have any trouble penning down that most passionate letter to his delicate white flower. The suit gave him power of the youth.

May their love bloom peacefully.

Rock Lee and Gai-sensei

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Neji,

I don't know whether laugh or cry at you. Konoha's renowned genius is having trouble decoding a bit of porn?

This is too hilarious.

Which part of "...use your Gentle Fists on my Shafting Kunai" did you not get?

I have decoded the entire letter for you and yeah you can thank me later, when you return. Between you and me, I think we should never let Hinata into Naruto's sight again. Ever.

That stuff he wrote was hot! I was sweating just reading it.

Yours,

Ten-ten.

P.S. When you return, perhaps you can use your gentle fists on my milky-ways.

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Author's notes:

Yeah. Team-7's nuts.

review please.